Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Sleep, Dumb Sleep

Scrap that last post. Sleep is good and all when you get it but it completely sucks when you have trouble getting to sleep.

I am so awake yet so extremely tired. Pure exhaustion is what I feeling but can I fall asleep? Noooooo!

What an absolute prick of a state to be in! I long for the release of sleep but it just isn't happening. Believe me, I've been trying for that elusive sleep. I've been in bed for hours but when I turn off the TV and cuddle up to my pillow that's as far as I get.

Worse still, I'm so tired I can't bring myself to do anything useful. My whole house is filthy but I don't have the energy to clean it. I can't even be bothered doing something that I would usually enjoy ... working on one of my websites for example.

Ugh!

Maybe I shouldn't complain too much. After last night's limited sleep and feeling incredibly dopey all morning, I did fall asleep in the afternoon. In fact, I slept for around three hours. I guess that is part of the reason I am still awake tonight but unfortunately it doesn't make me feel any better about the predicament I find myself in now.

I am really missing my crazy meds. At least while taking Seroquel I was guaranteed of a good night's sleep. I could drink as much coffee as I wanted in the evenings. I could do whatever I wanted before going to bed. With the help of the Seroquel I slept regardless.

And while I am busy complaining, what is with feeling just as crappy now I am off the pills as I felt when I was on them? That is so not friggin' fair! I still feel down almost constantly. I still can't get excited about life by any stretch of the imagination. I still ... *insert any number of things here*.

*Sigh*

Maybe all I need is to have something to sink my teeth into. If that is the case I can't wait until the TAFE holidays are over and my next term of study begins. Let's hope that is all it is.

Update: Okay, I relented. It's now 2:15am and I have just finished sawing one of my Seroquel tablets in half. Half a one is better than a full one, right? Anyway, it is down the hatch now so hopefully I will be getting some sleep in a hour or so. Thank goodness for that!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

Last night I actually slept without the aid of Seroquel. How about that! Okay, well, it was an incredibly short sleep (maybe four hours) but it was a good sleep … no tossing or turning at all. Oh, and yeah, I still feel tired this morning but ya get that. I guess there is just no pleasing me. *smiles*

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I Want, I Want, I Want!

I want my own domain! I want, I want, I want!!! * insert childlike foot stomping here *

For a few days now I have been mucking around with a WordPress blog over on my centralqueenslandcemeteries.com domain. (Yes, that's right ... I already have my own domain). I set up a new blog on a subdomain just for fun, found myself a cute little WordPress template (be stuffed if I can write my own ... that php stuff is just too much of a mystery to me), and even made a couple of posts.

The problem is that the subdomain thing just isn't working for me. To begin with adding a personal blog to the centralqueenslandcemeteries.com domain feels plain weird considering the type of stuff I write in my blog. It doesn't fit with the original website that sits on that domain. Additionally, half the time the blog doesn't load. Now that's a pain and a half when I want to write a post or just take a look at the cute little cartoon characters that appear on the template.

So ... I want, I want, I want!!!

Is it silly to pay for another domain (not that it's all that expensive * smiles *) just to plop a blog on it when blogger works perfectly fine? Mind you, I could always move my Central Queensland Cemeteries website over to the new domain and just let the centralqueenslandcemeteries.com domain lapse when it is due for renewal. That way I could have my website and my blog. I would just need to pick a good all-rounder type of domain name that suits both my blog and my website.

Mmmm ... choices, choices, choices.

I want, I want, I want!!!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Breathe Me

During my travels around the Internet yesterday, I stumbled across a song which sums up how I have been feeling a lot over these past few weeks. The song is Breathe Me by Sia and the lyrics are as follows:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me


What a powerful little song! Over the past few weeks I have felt terribly alone, even if in reality I haven’t been. I’ve felt like I have lost myself. I felt like I was breaking apart. I have definitely felt unsafe.

Sometimes it is hard to express oneself. In it’s own way, coming across such a song helps to let it all out.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

No Brainer

no brain needed
GBF travelled up north for a conference this week. He took my camera with him and, as a result, arrived home with a bunch of photographs from his travels. Here's my favourite photo though. It's my new motto!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Something a Little More Lighthearted

The following is stolen from the current issue of Australia's "That's Life" magazine (issue 38, September 20, 2006) and appears in the "Your Letters" section. It really is one of those Homer Simpson "D'oh!" moments. Kinda funny! *smiles*

My partner and I had to attend a ball but being heavily pregnant, I didn't want to spend a fortune on a new gown. So I rang around a few formal hire outlets to ask if they had maternity formal wear. A male voice at one particular establishment asked, "For women?"

Reminds me of a song ... "Folks are dumb where I come from ..." LOL

Some "Light" Reading and Way Too Many Thoughts

"It is impossible to know who we are unless we can remember where we’ve come from (Middleton, 2005). We are defined by the journey that thus far has brought us to here. The more readily we can access the past that shaped us, the more that we can own and share with those we trust the feelings and vulnerabilities that have accrued from our life experience, then the more likely it is that we will be empathically receptive to others. The less we have 'no go' zones in terms of what has happened to us or the feelings associated with such events, the more likely it is that we will have assembled functional personal boundaries, affective stability, healthy self-esteem and be self-activated enough to aim high in the pursuit of love, work and play. The capacity to remember, and the capacity to process pain lie close together."
(Middleton, 2006. p.23)

Last night and this morning I have been doing some "light" reading (a whole 112 pages worth ... eek!). When I googled "dissociation and depression in the non-traumatized population" I stumbled across a paper, written by the Australian psychiatrist Warwick Middleton (whom I was actually "head shrinked" by when I stayed in a Brissie hospital for a few weeks a couple of years ago), entitled "Reconstructing the Past: Trauma, Memory and Therapy". It is actually a background paper to a seminar he held earlier this year representing an extension to the exploration of some themes covered in the paper: Middleton W, De Marni Cromer L, Freyd JJ (2005). Remembering the past, anticipating the future. Australasian Psychiatry,13:3, 223-233. My pdoc gave me a copy of that particular article a few months ago (which reminds me, I have to get the thing back to him) in order for me to gain a better understanding of dissociation which, unfortunately, it didn't. (Hello? Where's my traumatic background? Did I traumatise myself by overdosing or something? Why does everything I read have to be related to trauma? It doesn't make any sense for my situation. There has got to be something out there that I can relate to ... surely).

Anyway, why am I quoting the above text? In a sick, perverted way I almost wish that I did have some sort of past trauma to contend with (my apologies to anyone who has lived through the hell of an abusive situation). If that were the case then it would give some meaning or reason to the way that I am now. Depressed ... yep. Dissociative ... I don't know. Traumatised ... nope. It just doesn't make sense.

"The less we have 'no go' zones in terms of what has happened to us or the feelings associated with such events, the more likely it is that we will have assembled functional personal boundaries, affective stability, healthy self-esteem and be self-activated enough to aim high in the pursuit of love, work and play."

Yes please! I wish I felt stable. I wish I had a healthy self-esteem. I wish I was self-activated (actualized ?) enough to aim high in the pursuit of love, work and play. Sounds great, doesn't it? These things sound like the ingredients to a happy, healthy and productive life.

Instead I am sitting here wondering why the hell I am so useless, thinking that Hubby would be much better off with someone else besides me in his life, and wondering why I have been reacting so negatively (especially in relation to my pdoc's therapeutic endeavours ... medication and otherwise) over these past couple of weeks.

The scary thing is that there is no causal relationship with anything for me. I am the way I am. The old argument of nature vs nurture (did I do too many psych 101 classes or what!) appears to tip significantly to the side of nature in my case and I don't like that. It means that I am a flawed individual who just needs to pull herself up by the boot straps, stop whinging and whining and get on with life. Mmmm!

Anyway, I have been thinking way, way too much since my last pdoc appointment. I have today and tomorrow in which to finish my TAFE work for the term otherwise I will fail. There is no doubt about it, I need to spend today finishing off the last of my TAFE work. Anyone got the recipe to turning off the wandering mind and focusing on what has to be done?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Phase Three But Close To Failure

Well, I've still been following my little "decreasing my medications to nothing" plan but it is becoming harder and harder to keep a hold of my resolve to do so. It's been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. I'm either experiencing the lowest of lows or almost dancing around the house making up silly little songs to sing over and over again. In short, I feel like I am losing control of me.

Despite the glaringly obvious disadvantages (which I have been writing almost constantly about in my long-hand, offline journal ... stuff which is just way too dark and rambling to publish here), there are advantages to not taking as much medication.

Yikes! What are they now? I've forgotten them in the time that it took me to write the preceding sentence. Geez! Okay ... try to get back on track here.

The advantages:
  • regaining the ability to cry
  • the up periods, despite being somewhat of a mixed state, can almost be described as wonderful
  • despite the pain, feeling, even the negative emotions, seems like it might be more normal than the constant and unreal suppression of feelings and emotions due to taking medication.
  • I seem to be dreaming far more regularly
Then there is the hope that if I can manage to withstand the roller coaster ride of "withdrawing" from my medication dependence, then I might just find "me" again, that the depression will somehow just magically fall by the wayside and maybe this nightmare will simply vanish into thin air.

As an aside, I rang up the local public adult mental health service a short while ago, primarily to ask them if they knew of any other private psychiatrists in the region. Apparently my pdoc is the only one. I suspected that to be the case though.

The woman who answered the phone was very docile to say the least. I had to tell her several times that I was already a patient of my pdoc's. It was like, "Hello! I'm not just a person who is ringing up your service to get an appointment with your pdoc for the hell of it! In fact, I'm not even ringing up to get an appointment with your pdoc at all for goodness sake." In amongst all her rambling about either needing to get a doctor's referral or having to go through the service's ACT (Acute Care Team, I think) which apparently is a long and drawn out process (who the hell cares ... I'm not trying to get an appointment, remember!), she mumbles something about there not being another private psychiatrist in the region. Yay! Access to the tiny bit of information that I was actually after, albeit almost hidden in amongst her verbal diarrhoea. *Sigh* And they wonder why people just give up.

Anyway, enough of that aside.

So yeah ... I guess my point is that I am not so sure about going off the medication any more. It's been a hard thing to do. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I was kind of hoping to show my pdoc what I was like sans medication. After all, he has never seen me off medication. I don't think I will be able to hold out until our next appointment though.

I'm still mystified about this therapy business too. It would appear that my pdoc does not know how to deal with my silences during therapy appointments. He is unable to draw me out and get me speaking. Believe me, I have tried to do this on my own, but I can't do it either. I don't know if the goal of therapy is to discover why life sucks so much for me, but I'm certainly unaware of the pdoc and I discovering any of my issues, why I feel this way almost constantly ... yadda yadda yadda. Consequently, I am still depressed. I still would, quite frankly, rather be dead than having to live this so called life of mine for however long I have left to walk on this godforsaken earth.

I don't know. Maybe I should just forget the whole thing. Screw the medication. It doesn't work. Screw the pdoc and his therapy. It hasn't worked either. I don't have a real psychiatric illness anyway, so maybe I just need to get over myself, stop thinking that there will be a moment when suddenly I will understand why I live with constant depressive feelings and that by knowing this, that the depression will go away forever. It's never going to happen. There must be millions of other people who live with depressive feelings every day of their lives, but they have learnt to cope, that it is not an issue anymore for them and that they actually contribute to this world instead of hiding out in their lounge room in front of their computer doing nothing like I do.

*Sigh* Get over it, K. Your mother was right when she called you pathetic. I'm a pathetic, spoilt little bitch that just needs to get a freakin' life no matter how much I don't want one.

I'll regret this post later. In fact, I think I will regret the whole blog. I should rename it to, "The Pathetic Little Immature Bitch's Constant Whinging That Nobody Deserves To Have To Be Subjected To".

Friday, September 08, 2006

Bloody Hell! Who's Next?

First it was Steve Irwin and now Peter Brock. Shit! How many more Aussie icons have to pass away this week?

I've just heard on the news that Peter Brock, an Australian champion racing car driver, was killed in a racing accident while competing in Western Australia's "Targa West" rally. Apparently the accident occured around 1:50pm AEST today.

I'm in shock! I grew up watching Brockie race around Brisbane's Lakeside Raceway. Dad used to take my brother and I to watch every race when the touring cars rolled into town. I was even lucky enough to be present at Lakeside in 1997 when Brockie farewelled full-time racing.

At least he died doing what he loved, I suppose. R.I.P. Brockie! You were my icon!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Phase Two Started

Well, I have to say that these past few days have been absolute hell. My general mood has been really low and I've been thinking about harming myself ... not just the usual benign self harm either, but thoughts of overdosing again. It is only because of Hubby that I have stopped myself. I am reluctant to put him through it again. It wouldn't be fair. At least, by thinking of his side of things, I must still have some logical thought swarming around in my head somewhere.

Dispersed within the low mood have been moments of feeling completely out of it, like I'm stoned or something (dissociation?) and even moments of a sort of fake elevated mood where all I can do is giggle. I must admit that I kind of liked the fake elevated mood. It's nice to have a bit of a giggle about anything and everything. Feeling a little out of control during these times is the downside though. As for the stoned feeling, well, I am used to that.

Another notable thing that has been happening is I am crying. Who would have thought, hey. I am actually able to cry again. It's been so long since I have been able to release my emotions in this way. The medications that I have been taking have definitely blocked that ability. It sucks feeling so distraught and hopeless that I have been crying, but it is nice to be able to do it again.

Despite the rollercoaster, I've decided to persist with the decreasing of my medications plan and ultimately becoming medication free by my next appointment with my psychiatrist. If he has given up on me, then I am within my rights to give up on his medication, right? (I realise that's probably faulty thinking, but hey, I can't be completely logical ... it's not my style).

Perhaps something that has renewed my determination to stick to the decreasing of my medications plan is I woke up this morning feeling, well, alive. The world seemed real for the first time in a long, long time. The sun was bright and there were little things happening all around me like birds chirping and the like. I even feel like I have enough energy and motivation to finish off my TAFE assignments today. Cool, huh. Let's hope this feeling continues and I don't crash later on in the day. I have my fingers crossed.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Its a Strange One

Today has turned out to be one heck of a strange day. This morning I woke up just after 6:30 to my husky alarm clock. I spent the morning on the computer, primarily compiling an alphabetical list of names for my Central Queensland Cemeteries website. It was a hard slog though, so I didn't get much done. Even during the morning I felt a little tired and unmotivated.

The afternoon saw me watching a little television, snoozing on the couch for a spell and spending a little more time aimlessly wandering around the Internet. The tiredness definitely had a grip on me by the afternoon and even though I really needed to get stuck into my last TAFE assignment for the term, I just didn't have the motivation to even begin work on it, let alone focus on it for any length of time. It almost goes without saying that I didn't have the drive or energy to get off my butt and cook a meal for Hubby's crib tonight. Thank goodness for takeaway, even if it does cost a fortune.

Tonight is just plain weird. I've gone beyond the tiredness I think yet I can't bring myself to do anything. I tried cleaning up the kitchen, but I only got half way through clearing the clean dishes from the dishwasher before I stumbled back to the couch. I feel strange too. The weather is hot and sticky. I feel like lead. I'm as sluggish as a sloth. My mind is devoid of thought. I am totally not with it. I could barely converse with GBF when he was trying to talk to me earlier. It was just too strange trying to keep up with what he was saying.

So, is the decrease in medication finally catching up with me? Damn, its hard to tell. I have the potential to feel as off as I do now any old time I guess.

I'm still a bit concerned about going off the medication like I planned to do. The medication feels like my crutch and I am scared of loosing it. I just have to keep focused on the end result I am trying to achieve.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Karaoke Murri Style

Tonight saw NAIDOC week's final event, "Murrioke", a night of singing and drunken revelry. Although only a small crowd was in attendance, it was a spirited group which was ready to party. Consequently, I would say that a good night was had by all.

I must admit though, that when it comes to karaoke and singing in front of a crowd, I am a huge piker. There is no way anybody would be able to get me up to that microphone and I managed to give it a wide berth tonight too, thank goodness. My dubious singing voice is better left to the confines of the shower.

Although it was a good night and I was surrounded by a bunch of wonderful people, I can't say that I actually enjoyed myself. I don't know what is wrong with me. I tend to feel lost and inadequate in a crowd. My inability to loosen up and just enjoy myself is incredibly frustrating. I think I need to bash my head up against a brick wall several times and just get over myself or something. Grrr at me!

Don't get me wrong though. Tonight certainly didn't suck by any stretch of the imagination. I'm starting to get to know these people quite well and I truly admire them and they are a joy to be around. I think I am just firmly entrenched in my non-feeling, non-emotional state at the moment, hence the ambivalence.

Friday, September 01, 2006

First Day Went Okay

I went ahead with the decrease in my medications as I outlined in yesterday's posts. So far so good too. I don't feel any difference whatsoever, so that has got to be a good thing.

I am feeling really tired though. Mind you, I have been feeling tired and unmotivated for about a week now which is kind of annoying, but I suppose that will pass. At least I hope it will. I would really like to finish up this term's TAFE work by the end of next week, so it would be nice to get some energy and motivation back. By doing so I will have an extra week up my sleeve until the end of the term just in case I need to take another look at any of my assignments.

Despite the tiredness and lack of motivation, I attended my town's NAIDOC (National Aboriginal and Islander Day of Celebration) celebrations today. I got to admit that I turned up really, really late though. I didn't wake up until after 10:00 this morning, the time when the celebrations were scheduled to kick off. Bugger! Waking up so late and taking so long to drag myself away from the computer and my cup of coffee and cigarettes made me miss all the speeches and stuff. I did get to see the dancing though, which was cool.

On the way home from the NAIDOC celebrations I had an urge to stop by the nursery to see if there were any nice plants to put in my new(ish) garden. I ended up buying some very cute little begonias. I'm not usually into little flowering plants, but these begonias had the coolest little waxy leaves. I ended up planting a whole heap of them around the edge of the garden, so once they grow a little and flower some more they should make a colourful garden edging.

Speaking of buying new plants, I bought this fantastic Kangaroo Paw plant yesterday. It is absolutely gorgeous and will make a wonderful addition to my front garden. I'm going to have to plant it tomorrow while the soil is moist from the rain we've had over the past night or so.

Actually, it is kind of funny me writing about plants. Who would have thought that I would get interested in gardening. Now that is a shock! I sound like an old nanna sitting here talking up my gardens and new plants. How scary is that! I must be getting old or something.

Anyway, that is enough from the rambling old nanna tonight. *smiles*

Thursday, August 31, 2006

More on the Medication

Continuing on from my previous post regarding going cold turkey on my medications, I must admit that I am feeling rather dependent on them and I am more than a little apprehensive about quitting them altogether. I wonder if it is an intelligent thing to do considering last time I tried to decrease my medications (that time with my pdoc's approval and support), I went down hill. I am determined to find out what I would be like sans medication though. Consequently, instead of just going cold turkey, perhaps it would be better just to slowly decrease them over a few weeks. I wouldn't go through any major withdrawal symptoms then.

I've sat down and written up a short "decreasing the medications schedule" which I will adhere to over the next few weeks.

Current medications:
  • 300mg Seroquel
  • 40mg Lexapro
  • 100mg Solian
Decreasing the medications schedule:

Week 1:
  • 200mg Seroquel (2 tablets)
  • 30mg Lexapro (1½ tablets)
  • 50mg Solian (½ tablets)
Week 2:
  • 100mg Seroquel (1 tablet)
  • 20mg Lexapro (1 tablet)
  • Nil Solian
Week 3:
  • 50mg Seroquel (½ tablet)
  • 10mg Lexapro (½ tablet)
  • Nil Solian
Week 4:
  • Medication free!!!
I think the above schedule is reasonable and as responsible as it can be given that my pdoc doesn't know anything about my intentions.

So, tonight is the night! I'm going to start decreasing my medications as of tonight. By my next pdoc appointment I will be medication free and hopefully feeling more like my old self. Then I can tell my pdoc what I have done. Wish me luck!

Frequency Changes Have Me F**ked

Here's the deal. During yesterday's appointment my pdoc suggested that we give the weekly appointments the flick and start on monthly appointments instead. The reason why? We have been going nowhere during our therapy appointments apparently since my last hospitalisation. I have apparently shut myself off to therapy. The pdoc is frustrated.

I cannot even begin to describe the thoughts that have been going through my head. One incredibly strong one is to go cold turkey on all my medications. I realise that it is going to be difficult initially, but there really is no point to taking them. Its not like I have a real psychiatric illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

Aside from having a major death wish at the moment, I want to be myself again. I want to have a sense of self. I want to feel again, regardless of whether those feelings are toxic or euphoric. I want to be able to remember things properly. I'm not going to achieve these things through medication. I wonder if it was through the medication that I lost them. Before medication I had emotions and feelings. I used to be able to cry to let my feelings out. I never self harmed (apart from a couple, incredibly superficial times here and there when I was a kid). I don't remember ever dissociating. So what is the point of continuing on with the medication if it, in fact, has made things worse.

The cessation of weekly appointments has also confirmed my thoughts about therapy. It doesn't work. There will be no time when, all of a sudden, I will realise that life is worth living. There will be no cathartic moment. Therapy doesn't change a thing. The underlying sadness that I have lived with all my life is not going to go away. I only have two choices. Get used to that fact and just live with it or do something drastic to make everything go away. To be honest, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can live like this for another 40 years until I finally snuff out due to old age.

So where does all this leave me? I'm probably overreacting. People become used to therapy and the (dubious) hidden support received through it, right? Maybe I am only reacting like many other people would when faced with the same situation. It doesn't make it right though. Overreacting like this is f**ked. Therapy doesn't work, so what is my problem?

I'll tell you what the problem is. Deep down, somewhere inside of me I held out hope. I wanted therapy to work. I wanted that moment of realisation that life could indeed be worth living. Facing up to the realisation that I will never have that moment is devastating. What the hell do I do now?

Friday, August 25, 2006

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Great Gazebo Construction

Step one: The instructions! This has got to be easy!

Step two: How do these fit together?

Step three: Three sides up! Only one to go! Woohoo!

Step four: Mmmm ... I think that goes there.

Step five: The furries lend their support ... err ... play.

Step six: Starting on the roof.

Step seven: Continuing with the roof ... how the heck does that go on there?!?

Step eight: Success!!!

Step nine: The aftermath!

I Was a Little Bit Naughty

First of all I've got to say ... two posts in one day ... wow! What is the world coming to? But now onto the real reason for this post.

I was a little naughty the other day. I gave up on the census work I'd been doing over the past few weeks. I guess giving up on it was always on the cards. I mean, it did drive me absolutely crazy and completely stuffed me physically.

I had a real reason for quitting though. Pain! For years now, I've gotten this funky pain in my leg when I walk for any distance. It didn't bother me too much when I was delivering the census forms, but collecting them was a whole different story. My leg hurt like hell! Worse still, at the same time it somehow became numb as well. I guess when collecting forms I tended to walk faster than when delivering them. The whole process was just a little bit quicker, hence the pain blowing out of proportion.

I struggled on with collecting forms for a couple of days, but when my area supervisor dropped in for a visit to see how I was going, I told her exactly what was happening and quit the job. Luckily, she responded to my news without emotion, so I didn't really feel all that guilty about quitting with only the collection period to go.

I'm actually a little surprised with myself. I would have thought that I would feel bad about quitting the job, but in reality I don't. I have actually enjoyed (if that is the right word to use) catching up with a few little things around the house, like laundry, washing the dog and watering the garden and such. I have also completed a TAFE assignment and created a poster for GBF to help him out with his work. Its good having my time to myself again and being able to work on stuff that I actually want to do.

It is good to have an alright sort of a day.

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

Now that summer is drawing near and the sun is rising a little earlier in the morning, my husky is waking me up an hour or so earlier than what was the norm during the winter months. Despite that being a bit of an adjustment to handle, this morning it helped me to remember a dream that I must have been having when the dog acted as my own personal furry alarm clock. So, without further ado, here is my dream as I remember it.

I had been admitted into a hospital which closely resembled the hospital that I have been in a few times now. In reality, psych patients generally get a private room, but in the dream I was sharing with a woman who was probably in her late 40's. For some bizarre reason, a group of wasps were building a huge, intricate nest over my room mate's bed. She didn't seem to notice or care about the nest's presence, but eventually I decided that I couldn't sleep in a room that harboured a huge wasps' nest.

The pest exterminators were called and the nest was eradicated. I remember another patient commenting on how she noticed, when the nest was being removed, that it was filled with some sort of fatty, sludgy substance. Yuck!

Upon removal however, a small number of wasps were left behind. I lay on my bed watching them scurry about on the roof, collecting the remaining vestiges of the nest and setting about building a new nest.

When I awoke the next morning, the wasps had managed to rebuild a surprisingly large amount of nest, this time on the roof above my bed. In its own way, it was just as intricate and beautiful as the original nest.

It was the final straw for me, however. I couldn't stay in the room any longer with the wasps busily buzzing around their nearly constructed nest, making their final touches on their construction. I headed outside to have a cigarette or five.

Outside there were quite a number of people milling about in small groups, chatting or smoking. I wanted to be alone, so I wandered off a little and found a seat which sat some way away from all the other people. After sitting down, two men approached the back of my seat. I turned towards them and basically told them to go away, which thankfully they did.

After a short time I re-entered the hospital building and made my way down the corridor to my room, except during my short walk down the corridor I completely forgot which room number I was staying in. I passed my room mate and asked her which room was ours. She indicated that it was room 1, but as we both entered the room, I realised that it didn't look like the correct one. At that stage, she mentioned how she didn't like sharing with other people, to which I agreed. We then agreed that we were in the wrong room, exited it and set about finding the proper room.

And that was the end of the dream as I remember it.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Updating

Quick! It's time for an update. Hubby is sleeping in the bedroom. GBF isn't home from work yet. I'm taking a break from my census work today. As a consequence I actually have some time to myself in front of the computer. Yippee!

The good news is that I finished delivering all my census forms late Tuesday afternoon. Thank goodness for that. We were supposed to have finished delivering forms by Monday evening. Oh well. Better late than never I guess. The whole exercise had left me physically exhausted and ready to chuck the whole job in.

The bad news is that census night (the 8th of August) is over and it is time to wander the streets again to collect all the forms I previously delivered. Yuck! The merry-go-round starts spinning again! There's nothing left apart from gritting my teeth and getting out there I guess. I'll start tomorrow though. I think I deserve a day at home today.

When I have finished with this whole census thing at least my butt will have gotten tighter, what with all the walking and all. Go the tighter butt, I say. Additionally, I am now sporting a new tan from all the time I have been spending out in our surprisingly strong winter sun. There's got to be a couple of good things about being a census collector.

I attended my first pdoc appointment in a month yesterday. The pdoc was ill for a couple of weeks and I cancelled last week due to being too busy with my census work, so the weekly appointments didn't exactly turn out to be weekly by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know if I really have anything to comment on from yesterday's appointment. I didn't re-read my journal before attending the appointment so I had a hard time remembering what on earth had occurred during the previous month when the pdoc was referring to what I had written. Woops! Silly me! Note to self ... remember to re-read my journal entries before attending an appointment. I'm sure that would help the appointment to flow a little easier.

During yesterday's appointment the pdoc suggested that I get the old burns on my leg looked at. Apparently they looked a little suspect. This morning I set about trying to get into one of the local doctors. I tell you, trying to get into see a doctor in this little town of mine can be an incredibly difficult thing to do. My usual GP was off attending to some sort of family crisis (eek ... poor bugger!) and the community health centre was booked out because of it. The other doctor in town I would have to be dying to bother making an appointment. The one and only time I saw the man for a mine medical he was just plain rude. Anyway, I eventually made my way to the local hospital (I guess we are lucky to have one of those) and, after a bit of a run around, saw the doctor there. I'm now on another round of antibiotics (I'm the antibiotic queen lately, I swear) to prevent infection and I have to keep the wounds covered for another five days. Good grief! What a pain! I guess there is a bad side to self harm no matter how much better it makes you feel at the time.

Anyway, that's all my news for now.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Pounding the Pavement

Today saw my second day out pounding the pavement delivering census forms. I managed to deliver a whole 28 forms in around 2½ hours. Gawd, it's slow going!

After returning home from delivering, I sat down to work out just how many hours I will have to put in over the nine days that are left to deliver all the forms. It worked out, with an average of nine forms delivered per hour, to be 6 hours a day. Eek! How full on is that! I'm going to be busy, that's for sure and I've got to say, I am dreading it. Yuck!

The good news is that today wasn't as horrendous as yesterday. Things seemed to flow a little better and because I didn't leave the house to start delivering until 3:00pm, it wasn't as hot as yesterday when I delivered during what was essentially the middle of the day.

It looks like I will have to do a "split shift" when it comes to delivering the forms. I will have to go out for a couple of hours or so in the mornings, then return to the streets for a few hours in the afternoon. Hopefully, with quite a bit of pushing myself, I can get all of the forms delivered by the cut off date, which is Monday, 7 August.

At least now I know NOT to apply for a census collector's position next time around. Wish me luck!

Above photograph courtesy of stock.xchng.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Ouch! My Feet Hurt!

What on earth was I thinking? My feet hurt, my leg hurts (grrr ... I think the burns are infected), I'm dehydrated and I'm exhausted!

Today was my first day out delivering the 2006 census forms. After organising 100 forms last night thinking that I would easily be able to deliver that amount, I only delivered 24 today! The worst of it is that delivering those 24 took 2 hours! Ugh! This census stuff is going to be hard work. I've got just over a week to deliver what must be at least 500 forms. Eek!

What possessed me to say yes when I was offered a collector's position, I'll never know. It must have been a momentary lapse of reason, that or I had no idea it was going to take so long. I can only put my head down and bum up and work my guts out for the next week or so to get everything done on time. Help!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I've Been Hiding Something

Don't quote me on this one, but a few short weeks ago my pdoc off-handedly mentioned that I feel anger rather intensely and frequently (or something along those lines). At the time I remember thinking, "Great, I probably have a personality disorder or something on top of everything else. Gee, aren't I lucky!" Tonight, as I sit here burning again, I've got to wonder if the pdoc had something there (about feeling emotions "abnormally", not the personality disorder thing).

I've not long arrived home from an incredibly short social gathering, a free BBQ and public event organised by GBF as a part of his work. GBF had invited both Hubby and I, but only I went as Hubby did not want to go. Hubby whinged that I had not given him enough time to get ready and that he did not want to go out because "people sucked".

I couldn't stay any length of time at the social gathering. I felt really disappointed that Hubby had chosen not to attend. It felt like he and I never did anything together. I felt lonely in amongst the small crowd. I wandered off a little to have a cigarette and all that I could think about was how sad I felt, how much I felt like escaping and how much I felt like burning.

Anyway, the thing that I have been hiding from my blog through writing the type of posts I have lately is that I still feel like crap. I feel lost. I feel like nothing has changed since I was an adolescent. I'm still as lonely and still as non-worthy as I was then. I'm afraid that I have taken on too much with both the study and the job. I'm afraid that I will fall apart under the pressure and fail. I'm afraid that I will get overly stressed because Hubby is now on holidays for a month and he seems to constantly "joke" about how hungry he is (and that it is my responsibility to fix something for him to eat). His offhand comments on how he had managed to keep the kitchen clean when I was in hospital and how it is dirty again now I am responsible for cleaning it and further comments on what I should do over the coming days/week, grate tremendously on me. I feel like exploding, like kicking and screaming like a small child in the middle of a tantrum. Yet, it is impossible for me to get rid of these feelings without burning and without acting like a complete cranky bitch when Hubby approaches me.

Ugh! Tell me again how life is worth living.

Above photograph courtesy of stock.xchng.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Back to It

Today I re-entered the world of being a full-time student.

I haven't done any work on my TAFE certificate since I was admitted into hospital in early June. Thankfully, I subsequently received an extension for last term's work (the stuff that I didn't quite finish) up until the end of this current term. Today I decided to get a wriggle on and start studying for this term which officially started last Tuesday, but hey, better late than never.

I should have a relatively easy time with my TAFE study this term. Since I completed about half of my workload last term, I only have to work on three more modules to finish everything off by the end of term on 22 September. If I continue to steadily work on the remaining modules, I should have everything well and truly finalised by the cut off date. Better yet, I shouldn't have to rush so I can spend more time on getting things just how I like them. Cool!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Me? Employed? Eek!

Call me insane (oh, hang on ... I am! *smiles*) but I have joined the ranks of the employed again. I don't know what I was thinking considering the whole working thing and me hasn't been a happening thing over the past couple of years, but a couple of months ago I applied for a position as Census Collector for this year's nation-wide census. Last week, the Area Supervisor rang me and offered me a position. Yikes! I mean, yay! Eek! Whatever. I can't be certain.

So, as of next Friday I am officially employed again. A collector's position seems to be a hell of a lot of work for only a smallish financial gain but I guess it is money I wouldn't have otherwise. The whole census concept is somewhat interesting too ... being counted so the area in which you live has a chance of receiving necessary services ... the time capsule option where the information is archived for years and years and years, only to be opened up to family researchers and the like in the distant future. Then there is the personal challenge aspect of the job. If I am successful with it then perhaps I am not as useless as I think. It has the potential to be all good. *Cross fingers*

Anyway, bring on the census I say. If all else fails at least I will be a little fitter with all the walking door to door dropping census forms off to people.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

I'm a Suburbanite!

I've joined the ranks of the average suburbanite. I now have an outdoor sitting area. Go me!

I've wanted one forever. Well, I wanted a pergola area forever, but that wasn't going to happen so I splurged on my little outdoor sitting area instead.

It's even got one of those green outdoor umbrellas which towers over my little two seater timber table and chairs set. It's so cool though. I bought a couple of really cool plants (see piccie to the left) and a peace inspiring Thai style Buddha statuette which is very similar in colour to my new plants.

I'm so happy. I've been sitting out there having cup after cup of coffee and cigarette after cigarette. It's so peaceful out there.

Now I just have buy more plants so I can make a little garden around it. I also have to buy a really groovy candle holder and candle too for night time sittings. I'm definitely going to visit Loot on my travels into the semi-big smoke on Wednesday. Loot is the best store for really cool little niknaks.

Anyway, I'm so happy! My gardens are almost complete. Now if I can just get Hubby to remove all his old crap in the backyard ...

Monday, June 26, 2006

Busy Busy Busy!

Now that I (hopefully) have an extension for last term's TAFE work due to my hospital stay, I have quite a bit of spare time on my hands at the moment. To keep busy, I have been creating a website for Hubby which I promised him some time ago. I've been ultra focused on building the site too. Apart from the odd commitment I've had to fulfill, I have been working non-stop on the site, so much so I think my eyes are turning the shape of my computer's monitor! Mmmm ... maybe I should put my contact lens in or something. *smiles*

Although just a simple table layout, the website seems to be coming along nicely. There is still a huge amount of work to be done on it though. Hubby wants the site to have quite a few pages ... six so far, as well as a forum. He seems to be overly keen on the site sporting a whole lot of graphics too. I feel sorry for anyone trying to open the page on a dial-up connection. They haven't got a hope in Hades! Hubby doesn't like to do things by halves, that's for sure.

Apart from building the website, I have done the social outing thing a couple of times and even tried to attend a regional museums' conference over the weekend. It's a long story, but suffice to say crowds of people and me just don't get along. *mumbles something about being too disso-y and panicky ... grrr*

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Stuff You eBay

It's official! I'm a sucker for eBay, especially when there are dog breed products involved. Below is an Australian Shepherd fridge magnet that I will be the proud owner of within the week.

australian shepherd fridge magnet
And here is another purchase which I am considering ... a Siberian Husky garden sign.

siberian husky garden sign
Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute!!!!!!!!

No prizes for guessing the breeds of my furry kids. *smiles*

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Dreaming: Night Time Mind Movies

Dreaming is such a bizarre concept. It's like we are our own little movie directors, every night weaving together a story out of our subconscious.

Even more strange are the dreams which aren't entirely remembered. These dreams are largely forgotten as soon as we open our eyes, but all it takes is just a whisper within a morning conversation for the fragments to return to conscious memory.

That is what happened to me this morning. Upon waking I was aware that I had dreamt last night, but it wasn't until I was talking with GBF over my first cup of coffee for the day that the penny dropped and I remembered a part of last night's dream.

It was night time. I was visiting a family that I didn't really know. The family was, however, relatives of Heather, my boss from last year. The mother, one of her children and I were sitting in the family's kitchen. As the mother and I chatted, the child saw a face appear in a nearby window. The face belonged to the child's father, who was a violent man and no longer lived with the family. In fear, the mother told the child to leave the kitchen and go hide in another section of the house. Once the child had fled, the father broke through the fly screened window with an ax and entered the house.

From there, the details of the dream become sketchy, however I believe that the father attacked the mother with the ax. The spirit of the family's grandmother then entered the dream. She was incensed. I could feel the spirit's ominous presence however I knew that I was safe from her wrath. It was the violent father whom the spirit wanted to kill.

That's all that I remember. What a bugger! It was certainly an "entertaining" dream to say the least. I hope the spirit was able to exact her revenge on the murderous father.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Self Harm and Emotions

Self harm ... why do we do it?

During my recent hospital stay, I self harmed quite regularly, in fact at least once every day. It wasn't until one of the nurses decided to dress my arms that I largely stopped. By covering up my "canvas" with dressings, I found it difficult to quench my self harming desires/needs.

My poison, so to speak, is burning. I find burning particularly effective because it seems to provide the release I apparently seek. When I am in the "zone", the pain feels incredibly good. Cutting doesn't do it for me. I can't cut deep enough and it generally doesn't give me the same sensation as the burning does.

So why a post on self harm? Because I engaged in a little earlier on in the evening and I have, for once, a strong awareness of why I had to do it.

I was just beginning to cook dinner. When I reached into the pantry to pull out a packet of pasta, I discovered that the packet on which I laid my hands had been previously opened and no attempt had been made to secure it shut again. Consequently, as I lifted the packet out of the pantry pasta spilled out everywhere. It made my blood boil. I stomped down the hallway to the computer room where my husband was and accused him of being careless etc.

Then I got to thinking. Boy had I overreacted. It was only a little bit of spilt, dry pasta for goodness sake and I had just about lopped my husband's head off because of it. Good grief! Anger is okay if justified and dealt with appropriately, but my little spat was completely over the top.

So, as I finished my cooking I continued to mull over what I had done. By the time I finally slid the casserole dish into the pre-heated oven, I was desperate to SH. After all, I had dealt with a situation inappropriately and allowed myself to feel anger far too intensely.

Sometimes it can be hard to understand self harm. Sometimes I do it to calm down. Sometimes I do it to come back to the real world. Sometimes I do it to escape from the real world into the fake one. Other times I seem to just do it for the hell of it. A lot of the time, I have no concrete knowledge of why I allow myself to indulge in it. In an odd way, it is good to finally exactly know why I SH'ed tonight.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Home and Changes

Well, I'm home from hospital. Actually I've been home for a few days. I left hospital around lunch time on Thursday and arrived home that evening.

Thanks to everyone who left comments on my last post. It's great to know that there are people out there in blog land who care and have been in similar situations, even more so since I have been so slack with blogging of late. You guys rock!

After an increase of meds that helped lessen my constantly "stoned" feeling, I found hospital to be incredibly relaxing. Meals brought to your room, nothing to do except watch TV, read a book or sit outside smoking cigarettes watching the birds flutter around the garden ... it was great! Towards the end of my stay, despite the remaining underlying feeling of sadness, I definitely felt more calm and together.

Unfortunately, just after leaving hospital, my stress levels climbed dramatically. Gawd knows why. I don't have much to be stressed about in my daily life. I guess some things don't make a lot of sense. Mind you, being home and feeling like I should be keeping busy with "wifely duties" and a husband that seems to enjoy reminding me of that fact regularly does tend to make me feel pretty inadequate. Oh well. You get that, hey.

I haven't been completely idle since returning home though. Yesterday saw another trip into the semi big smoke because Hubby had an appointment to attend. Apart from the trip, I have been playing around with making my very own blog template from scratch. I think I might just have it working properly now too. *does a happy dance* I decided to keep it black and grey because, well, you can't screw that up too much. *smiles* I'm pretty happy with the result also.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Hospital Bound

I'm off to hospital. Within a handful of hours I will be in the car travelling to the semi big smoke to be admitted into hospital. I've been disso'ing a lot of late, which was neither here nor there really. I'm getting used to that sort of thing and to be quite frank, I'm beyond giving a toss.

Things have turned pear shaped now though. I disso'ed big time in front of the pdoc during our appointment this afternoon. As a result, that part of me lost its mind and uttered what it had been thinking. The pdoc wanted to admit me then and there, but luckily I had a friend with me who wouldn't have been able to get home without me there to drive the car. So, I got to come home and pack which is good.

Ahhh, but 'sigh' on the hospital thing I guess. It's been a year since I was last admitted ... and then a year before that. I wonder if this is going to become a yearly thing?

Monday, April 24, 2006

I Must Be Mad

I must be a sucker for punishment. Today I embarked upon designing a website for Hubby's Guild Wars guild. (For the uninitiated, Guild Wars is an online role-playing game similar to World of Warcraft).

Hubby is going to be a difficult "client" though I think. He wants his guild's website to emulate Guild Wars' professionally designed site, including the latest news section on the site's homepage. The only way I can think of doing it so that the news section is updatable by all the guild leaders is to set it up as a blogger template. Yikes! Coding my very own blogger template so that it looks like the Guild Wars website. That's certainly going to prove a challenge!

Speaking of web designing, I started stage two of my TAFE certificate today. I learnt how to slice images, something which I have never bothered trying before. It was surprisingly simple once I worked out how to do it using Adobe ImageReady. It's kind of cool to learn something new too.

As for the age-old "how's things going" question, I'm doing okay. I've been incredibly busy this past week and as a result I am feeling quite drained. The upside is I haven't been alone with my thoughts very much which has kept my emotional life completely at bay. It was incredibly refreshing to finally have a day virtually all to myself today though. I definitely needed it.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Dreams are Weird

Welcome to last night's dream! (and my second post in two days ... go me!)

The time was shortly after Christmas. I was trying to send a belated Christmas card to someone ... my father I think. I couldn't get the postage stamp to stick to the envelope properly so I didn't want to pop it into the post box for fear that the stamp would fall off. I tried to place more moisture (spit ... ewww) on the back of the stamp to no avail. I entered the post office, thinking that perhaps they had sticky tape available for customer use on one of their shelves. I spied the sticky tape at the far end of the post office.

While I was still on the street, trying to fix the stamp to the envelope, a bus rolled past. A couple of the bus's passengers were apparently staff members of the school where I used to work. An elderly lady who was standing beside me struck up a conversation about one of the teachers. She told me that the woman in question had been teaching for approximately ten years now (in reality she had been a first year teacher when I had worked at the school last). I began to tell the elderly lady as such, but she was adamant that the woman had been teaching for years, so I gave up.

All of a sudden, I found myself at a friend's workplace, but for some reason it was a mixture of his real workplace and one that I had previously worked at for a short, unsuccessful stint. I must have walked straight past the reception area without announcing myself, because I was sitting at my friend's desk using his sticky tape to adhere the stamp to its envelope. From the next cubicle, my friend acknowledged my unannounced presence. I apologised for not informing him of my being there. My friend introduced me to two of his work mates, one of whom had apparently worked there during the short time that I had worked there. This particular work mate didn't say anything about how useless I had been in the position though. Both work mates then left the room so that my friend and I could have some privacy.

Somewhere in amongst all this, I sat in on the end of a job interview for a town doctor and a water treatment plant employee. Gawd knows how I had managed to do that. There were two applicants for the doctor position and one for the water treatment plant employee. One of the applicants for the doctor's position was either Korean or Malaysian. He was a cute, youngish man who seemed much better than the other applicant, a rough around the edges white guy. During the interview, the Korean or Malaysian doctor stated that his English was not perfect, but to me he seemed to have a wonderful grasp of the English language. When meeting up with my friend at his workplace later on in the dream, I told him about the interview and how I thought the Korean or Malaysian doctor was better suited to the position. My friend agreed (somehow he had talked to the applicants as well) and we joked about how he would have to brush up on his Korean language skills.

And that was the end of my dream, or all that I can remember of it anyway. How bizarre was that! It's funny how certain snippets of reality can make it into a truly weird dream.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Blog Neglect

haloed feet?My poor little blog! It's been ages since I posted and even longer since I posted regularly. What a serious case of neglect! It's amazing that my blog is still breathing! I should be arrested or something!

The truth is that things have been pretty sucky for a while now. There's been no real reason for it. There never is. I just fell into a bad head space and it's been bloody near impossible to claw my way out of it. The dreaded "D's" returned with a vengeance. I've been feeling really down and I still feel like someone else has invaded my body and is doing all the moving and talking for me. Grrr! Stupid brain! I just wish it would end!

a bizarre yoga position?So, what's the best treatment for being in a sucky place? Getting together with a friend who is damn near close to being as insane as you are, laying in the slightly overgrown and moist grass in his back yard in the middle of the night and taking the most bizarre photos of anything and everything.

And here are the results! Top left are my feet which apparently come with their very own green halo. Middle right is me in the middle of some sort of bizarre yoga position. Finally, bottom left is my friend's and my version of a full moon etch-a-sketch.

full moon etch-a-sketchingMmmm ... there was definitely substance abuse happening that night I think. *smiles*

Weirdness aside, I am now officially on Easter break from my TAFE course. Despite everything, I was able to successfully finish off all my assessment pieces before the end of the term. I've even already enrolled in the next stage of the course which either starts on the 19th according to my TAFE tutor or on the 24th according to the TAFE customer service person whom I spoke to when I re-enrolled. Hey, you got to love how TAFE operates!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Freaky Shit That Happens

I've just received a SMS from a mate of mine who's currently sitting in a hospital waiting room. In explanation, she is pregnant but suffering from preeclampsia. As a consequence, doctors are playing a huge role in her pregnancy because of the great risks that the condition poses to both mother and baby.

Now here's the weird bit. In the SMS, my friend told me of how a woman had stopped her in the hospital's car park, completely out of the blue. The woman said that she "knew things", then pointed to my friend's tummy and said, "He's safe." Then the woman said, "The police don't know it yet, but they've got Daniel Morcombe's abductor in a Brisbane jail, so you don't have to worry. Your boy is safe now." She smiled, said, "Have a good day," and left.

*insert Twilight Zone music here*

How bizarre is that! What exactly did this mystery woman mean by what she said? Was she just a nice, misguided (or possibly really eccentric) old lady or is she like a super psychic or something? How incredibly eerie!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Tagged! Woohoo!

Hey, it's been a while between tags (thanks Seraphism). This one is all about the seven songs which have formed the soundtrack to my recent days. Since I drove into the semi big smoke yesterday, I had quite a few to chose from because I played CD after CD to make the trip seem shorter. Anyway, without further ado (stifles a giggle) here are the seven songs which resonated to me:
  1. Face the Day - The Angels
  2. Numb - Linkin Park
  3. Hit the Floor - Linkin Park
  4. Shit Towne - Live
  5. Photograph - Nickelback
  6. My Immortal - Evanescence
  7. Left Outside Alone - Anastacia
Oh oops! I nearly forgot to tag some people. Ummm, let's see. Oh, I dunno. Anyone who stumbles across this post and wants to have a go. How does that sound? :)

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

How To Clean The House


  1. Open a new file on your PC
  2. Name it "housework"
  3. Send it to the recycle bin
  4. Empty the recycle bin
  5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete housework permanently?"
  6. Calmly answer "yes" and press the mouse button firmly
  7. Feel better?
It works for me. :)

I found the above on WELSHPERCYS wide open spaces and couldn't resist posting it myself.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Dissociative's Eye

a dissociative's view of the world
Sometimes the world becomes blurry as has been the case for me over these past couple of weeks. Just occasionally, that evacuation sign is all that can be seen. It stands out so clearly from the surrounding swirling mess. It can be ever so alluring. All that you want to do is to reach out and embrace it because then you know that all this could stop, or at least you hope that it would.

But the path to the sign is twisted. You think you are firmly set upon it, then something blocks your way and you end up falling off its spongy edges. All carefully laid plans fall to pieces. Realistically, it's probably for the best. It's a path that probably shouldn't be traversed. But my god, you want to reach that sign. It is all that you can think about, all that you desire, all that you have planned for.

There comes a time when you realise that you have once again fallen off that path. It's devastating! You try to claw your way back on the path but things block your passage once again; a friend's cry, the thought that maybe this isn't all there is and you will be stuck working on shit even if you reach the sign and step over to the other side.

It's not fair! But you haven't completely given up on the prize that lies at the foot of that sign.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Where To From Here?

So, so you think you can tell,
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field,
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade,
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange,
A walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Freakin' Funny Ad


I stumbled across the above video (click to be taken to the link) while aimlessly surfing the internet today. Apparently the cat herding ad was played during the US Super Bowl a few years ago. I hadn't seen it before though. Mind you, that probably has something to do with not ever seeing the US Super Bowl because I'm an Aussie and all. Anyway, the ad is hilarious! Watch for the cowboy that is allergic to cats. I'd view the ad over and over again just for that. Too funny!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Self Harm Aftermath

The following is related to burning as a method of self harm, self injury or whatever you want to call it.

After a few short days, your blistery creation will eventually spring a leak. It will start weeping (hopefully) watery liquid (if it is not infected). This liquid runs! Everywhere! If you burnt your arm, it will run down the length of your forearm and around to the underside of your arm. The watery liquid will transfer to anything it touches, like a computer keyboard for example. It will drip everywhere.

At the same time, it will start to itch. Really itch! Although you know that you probably shouldn't, you will want to rip open the blister/s and scratch the living daylights out of the wound. You will try your hardest to resist the urge as you know that if it is an open wound, it runs the risk of getting affected. Not that you particularly care about the possible infection. You just don't want to have to bother about taking care of the wound or taking any more medication. You're on enough already.

So, you will sit there for ages desperately wanting to scratch but you are unable to. Intermittently, you will wipe the leakage from your arm and the computer keyboard or whatever else it has touched. You will seriously consider burning the area again. After all, it will stop the itching temporarily and to be brutally honest, it will feel good.

But it doesn't stop there. Your loved one will eventually notice the new wound no matter how much you tried to hide it from him/her. Initially you will be cautious about hiding it from them, but you will drop your guard. After all, the wound and scars become natural after a while. They are just "one of those things" and you don't consider their presence to be different. When your loved one finally notices the new wound, s/he will stare at it. Really stare at it! S/he will say something along the lines of, "Not again! You were doing so well." You will think to yourself, "Yeah, right! I was doing so well ... not."

By chance you leave the house (not that you want to but sometimes it can't be avoided), there will be at least one stranger that draws attention to your scars and current wound. This stranger will say something like, "Wow! What happened to your arms?" For a brief moment, you will be taken aback. "What?" you think to yourself. But then it suddenly dawns on you and you realise what they are referring to. You mutter some semi-prepared excuse about having a drunken cooking accident and getting burnt by cooking oil. After all, your previous experience has taught you to have some inane excuse prepared.

So, that's it. A day in the life of someone who has to burn. Fun, hey!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

An Oldie But a Goodie

Just Fucking Wonderful!

Warning! Strong language following!

I just received an email from my TAFE tutor. Essentially he has accused me of cheating in my last assignment. He thinks I used an authoring program to code the html. WTF!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck, it took me ages to code that shit by hand and ages pawing through books on how to achieve the desired result. And for gawd's sake, I am not a come-by-lately when it comes to creating and managing websites. I created and maintained my last workplace's site for fuck sake.

What else can possibly go wrong? Over the past couple of days I have been writing my "real" journal entries out in longhand because, well, they have been rather disturbing and probably better not published here on this blog. Can anything else happen to make this fucking depression worse? I'm almost at the end of my tether as it is.

*Insert scream here*

Updated: Well, I've discovered how I can finally shed a tear ... out of frustration and anger. Unfortunately it leads to SH as well. Oh well. At least it was done over existing scars. :S

Eek! "Scary" Dream

Okay, maybe it wasn't a scary dream per se, but it certainly had its very own "WTF!" aspect.

Last night's dream centred on the school where I used to work and its acting DP (yep, the scary wench herself). For some godforsaken reason, I had accepted a job there again. This particular job was supposed to be a on a very casual basis. It didn't seem to turn out that way however. On my first day, I sat in on a class. Then came my conversation with the incredibly fake DP. She was acting all friendly and such, but I knew she was just faking her way through her niceties. I asked her about the kids I would be working with and the hours I would be working. Of course the acting DP had not organised anything. She gave me the impression that I would be working many more hours than had originally been agreed upon. She didn't have a clue about what classes I would be assisting in and which kids I was there to help. She was the definition of incompetent.

Thankfully that is all I remember from the dream. Why I would dream about her and the school is beyond me. I think I need to have a shower just to cleanse myself. Ick!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Endless Stormy Road

endless road headed towards storm
No words today. The title and the picture say it all.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Total Smoking Ban in Cars?

Now it is getting ridiculous!

I should say from the outset that I am a smoker.

Okay, I agree with the whole no smoking around children thing. It's irresponsible and endangers children's health, so don't do it! What concerns me regarding the following news report is that some of the wording is not entirely centred on the issue of smoking around children. For example, "Health Minister John Hatzistergos said the government would support a parliamentary inquiry assessing a private member's bill proposing a complete ban on smoking in cars."

Oh, come on! If I want to slowly commit suicide by smoking in my own car then that is my problem, not anybody else's. As the article continues on to say there is no research that suggests that banning people from smoking in their own cars reduces road accidents.

Recently Australian governments have introduced laws which prohibit smoking within four metres of a doorway to public buildings, ten metres from a children's playground and other laws which centre around restaurants and pubs. I have a proposal though. If the governments in Australia are so concerned about how smoking negatively impacts on their citizens' health, how about a total ban on smoking anywhere? Let's prohibit the sale of cigarettes and tobacco completely. Despite being a smoker myself, I would actually welcome that.

Oh, hang on. There is one huge problem when it comes to a total prohibition on tobacco and cigarettes. The almighty tax dollar! Let's face it, governments rake in a lot of money through taxes placed on tobacco and cigarettes. Maybe they don't want to totally ban the sale of such products because it is a massive revenue booster.

Am I being too cynical here?

NSW govt to look at smoking ban in cars
Tuesday Feb 28 00:15 AEDT
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=64589

The NSW government supports a ban on smoking in cars containing children and says it will look at the issue when parliament resumes next week.

Health Minister John Hatzistergos said the government would support a parliamentary inquiry assessing a private member's bill proposing a complete ban on smoking in cars.

The bill was put forward by Christian Democratic party MP Fred Nile.

Mr Hatzistergos said the health department and non-government partners had run a campaign to stop parents smoking around young children in cars as well as at home, but the issue needed more public discussion.

"Most adults are responsible when it comes to their child's health but the few that smoke with children in the car are placing their child at considerable risk from passive smoking," Mr Hatzistergos said in a statement.

"I encourage open public debate on the issue and will look forward to the findings of the parliamentary inquiry."

Mr Hatzistergos pointed to World Health Organisation research that found children were particularly at risk from second-hand smoke because they were still developing and breathed faster than adults.

He said similar proposals to ban smoking in cars with children had been rejected in America and German for privacy reasons and because there was no evidence it reduced road accidents.

The ban was just one of several tobacco issues to be considered when parliament resumed, Mr Hatzistergos said.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Thinking Out Loud

Mmmm ... maybe I am not so much thinking out loud as thinking in type. Oh well, it sounded like a good idea for a post title anyway.

In short, I feel like death this afternoon. Something clicked in my head a few hours ago, opening the floodgates wide and allowing the depressive thoughts to roll on in. Ugh! Why does this sort of crap happen? I wasn't thinking negatively at the time or anything. I had just finished working on my TAFE assignment and then bang, it happened.

During my aimless wandering around the Internet, trying to keep the sadness at bay, I visited a bookmarked employment website for the first time in ages. While browsing the available jobs, one of them caught my eye. The particular position is part of a community visitor program for children in some form of out-of-home care. Employment is only on a casual basis too.

Through the gloom which has descended on my head, I must admit that the position sounds somewhat interesting. To begin with, it is only casual. Surely I can keep up with casual employment and it wouldn't interrupt my current studies. This sort of position is what I trained for too, although admittedly many years ago now. Through my past work at the school, I know that I like working with kids. Also on the bright side is that it pays thirty bucks an hour plus expenses. That is definitely nothing to be sneezed at. Hubby and I could use the extra cash now and then.

There is a down side however and unfortunately it is all about me. I don't feel strong enough. I suck at being employed ... always have. I doubt my ability to do ... well, any job really. Gawd, I could go on forever but it is just too overwhelming.

Maybe I shouldn't think about it and just try writing up an application. It has to be down in Brissie by Monday so I only have a couple of days in which to write the thing. Chances are I wouldn't get a look in anyway, so what's it gonna hurt, sending off an application.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

I'm Obsessed

Today was a day where time just seemed to fly. I was completely obsessed with working on the website templates for my TAFE assignment. I spent the vast majority of my waking hours working on the assignment. I've now finished my third template and although it is just a basic, table-based design, I am really quite happy with it. The plan for tomorrow is to fine tune the other two templates and then get stuck into the not-so-pleasant report task.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Another Seemingly Dull Day

On a surface level, I guess today was a fairly dull day. Although after a morning hiccup, I did get quite a bit done. However it was all work and no play for me today.

This morning I woke up with a massive Seroquel hangover. I don't really know why. Although I took last night's meds a little later than usual, I did sleep in until about 10am or so. When I woke up and stumbled outside to let the furries out for their morning "wee walk", the familiar surrealness was definitely upon me. The sky was weird. I was moving through jelly. It was not a comfortable experience.

In order to break out of the surrealness, I tried eating some breakfast and having a cup of coffee. It didn't help though. I ended up going back to bed and lazing around watching TV for a while.

Sometime after lunch time, I decided to have another go at the whole "let's start the day" thing. This time I was successful. I spent quite a few hours working on my TAFE certificate. I got quite a bit done too. I created two out of the three website templates that are required for my next piece of assessment. I'm even a little more organised when it comes to the report that has to be submitted along with the templates. I've only just decided that it was time to quit for the night.

So that was my day. I know I titled this post with the words "dull day", but I don't view working on my TAFE certificate as particularly dull. I quite like it. I like creating and learning about website design.

Friday, February 24, 2006

This and That

In amongst organising the dogs' dinner, hanging out the washing and doing the dishes, I have been watching the Winter Olympics women's figure skating finals. I'm mesmerised! These women are graceful, athletic and incredibly amazing. My favourite skater so far has been Shizuka Arakawa from Japan. Her program was just lovely and beautifully skated. (Oh wow! Shizuka just won the gold.) I've always much preferred the Winter Olympics over the summer ones. In fact, I can miss the Summer Olympics entirely and not bat an eyelid, but it is always nice to catch a little bit of the Winter Olympics on TV.

My interest in the figure skating aside, today has been an exceedingly average day in terms of my mood. I might just be tired though. I'm not sure. I had a late one last night, which was cool because I got to chat to a mate on the phone for ages. It had been a while since we had spoken as I am the slackest person in the world when it comes to picking up the damn phone.

Despite the late night, I woke up early to drive Kara over to the vets in the small smoke for her last injection. That was the last injection in the course and she has certainly improved. Apparently the coolness of winter can have a negative effect on dogs with osteoarthritis, so we just have to keep an eye on her when the weather finally starts to cool down to see if she would benefit from any further injections.

After returning home from the small smoke and eating a huge lunch, I ended up falling asleep for several hours this afternoon. I finally awoke early this evening feeling like death warmed up which I guess hasn't helped the mood situation at all.

So, what can one do when they are feeling quite bleh? Go to bed, sleep and hopefully wake up to increased brightest tomorrow. That is exactly what I plan to do now.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Colourful Spider

I decided to cross post this entry from my Photographic Journeys blog because I sort of surprised myself by writing what I did about the spider image. Taking an interest in my surroundings? Who would have thought!

I need to sit down and write about what happened during my pdoc appointment today. It's getting quite late though and I'm still mulling things over, so I will endeavour to make sense of everything tomorrow.

colourful spider in web
I find it amazing how this new found photography obsession of mine is slowly teaching me to take a closer look at my surroundings. Before, I wouldn't have seen this little spider in amongst the bushes and by chance I did, I would have given it a very wide berth. Today I noticed it and immediately took my camera out of the carry case. I held the camera lens literally centimetres from the scary arachnid, marvelling at its beauty. Mind you, I did compromise a little. By looking at my camera's LCD screen rather than peering through the viewfinder, I was still able to keep a little bit of a distance. Arachnophobia still lives. :)

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Yikes! Embarrassment!

picture of an electricity meter boxGawd! The things that happen!

A short time ago, I was sitting in front of the computer engaged in research for my next TAFE assignment when I heard someone mucking around in the carport. I then heard the electricity meter box open. "No problems," I thought to myself. "It must be an Ergon Energy employee who had come to read the meter for the next bill cycle." The noise continued however.

By this stage, I was becoming suspicious about what was going on. I got up from my spot in front of the computer and made my way into the kitchen. Through the window, I noticed a car parked outside the house. Then I saw a woman walk out of the carport, round to the front of the house, stand in front of the house looking back at it and then disappear back into the carport. What was going on? Ergon Energy meter readers take a minute to peer inside the meter box, record what they need to and then they are on their way.

Still dressed in my nightie and over shirt, I ventured out to the back landing to investigate what was going on. Sure enough, there was a woman standing in the carport with her head in the electricity meter box. I asked if she was a meter reader. She replied that she was not a meter reader, but was there to disconnect our electricity supply.

What!?!

The woman showed me her work order which stated that Hubby and I owed over $700 to Ergon Energy because the last bill had gone unpaid. Eek!

When I paid the household bills last week, I had noticed an old Ergon Energy late payment notice. Because it was a couple of months old, I had even tried to call the accounts information phone number at the top of the bill to ensure that I had already paid the account in full. Unfortunately though, in this age of automated phone systems, I had not been able to work out what number I had to press to get an account balance or, failing that, how to talk to an actual person. Consequently, I threw the late notice in the filing cabinet in amongst the other paid bills, assuming that because it was so old, I had already paid it. Apparently, that was a mistake.

The woman from Ergon Energy told me that I had about twenty minutes to pay the outstanding fee and to organise reconnection of the electricity before she left town. I raced into the computer room where our main telephone is, removed my sleeping husband's carcass from the chair, fended off the cries from my now awake, pissed off husband about what was going on and hurriedly set about paying the outstanding account and calling Ergon Energy.

Luckily I acted quickly enough. The woman from Ergon Energy returned to reconnect our electricity supply about fifteen minutes after she had initially disconnected it. Phew! Crisis aborted!

Despite the whole situation being pretty damn funny, in all honesty, I'm actually quite upset. I find myself thinking that I'm not even able to smoothly run a household, that I didn't try hard enough to contact Ergon Energy when I paid the bills last, and that I am generally hopeless. Grrr at the internal dialogue! How destructive is that!

Mind you, if I try to look at the situation in a more objective manner, it's just "one of those things". Yes, I neglected to pay the initial bill, however Ergon Energy screwed up as well. Obviously their automated phone system could be more user friendly. The Ergon Energy telephone customer service officer whom I spoke to regarding reconnecting the electricity supply told me that the company usually contacts customers via telephone a couple of days prior to electricity supplies being physically disconnected. They definitely did not contact us.

So, I guess the moral to my little story is to try to think of the situation objectively. However in-grained and difficult to ignore that destructive internal dialogue is, ignore it! I'm not labelling it as destructive for no reason!

Mmmm!

Monday, February 20, 2006

Did the Beach Thing

lonely shell on beachI did the beach thing yesterday. Yesterday's plan was to hop in the car, with GBF in tow for company, and drive somewhere for a photography expedition. When GBF and I were discussing possible destinations, the heat of the day was already upon us, so we decided to head to the coast in search of a cooling sea breeze. I only took a handful of photos during our trip, which was far less than I would have liked, but things like eating, resting and shopping kind of got in the way of photo taking. Not to mind. I may head back to the same spot this coming Wednesday morning as I now have some ideas on the images I would like to capture.

As for today, I spent the vast majority of it working on my TAFE certificate. I finalised my second piece of assessment and submitted it. I then did some base work on my third piece of assessment. This third assessment piece is quite a bit more involved than the initial two pieces. It involves firstly writing a report comparing two web authoring systems which offer graphical templates and secondly designing three website templates for a fictitious client. It should prove to be quite challenging and fun.

That's it for me tonight. I'm off to bed early.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Been Sleeping

*Yawns*

Ugh! I've wasted the last couple of days by sleeping through them (not that that is a bad thing, mind you). That's what you get when you don't take those little yellow pills until after midnight. Oops!

This morning I woke up from the silliest dream. I wish I had noted the details down upon waking because I think it was a doozy. Unfortunately I can't remember what happened now. Basically though, it featured an ex of mine. I haven't seen or spoken with the man for many years, so goodness knows why he would suddenly pop up in a dream. I think the dream may have been set back quite a few years ago too because, if I am not mistaken, I was still living down in Brissie with my family (eek!). Mind you, I think it was just the thought of the ex that featured in the dream. Despite going to great efforts to meet, I think we eventually missed each other. Awww!

Pushing my dream life aside to get back to my real life, there isn't a whole lot to tell considering the whole sleep thing over the past couple of days. Last night, GBF visited for a few hours. We had a few drinks and talked our usual shit. Today my boredom factor was rather high so I decided to break out the camera and play around with taking photos of candles and drinking glasses. For the first time ever, I experimented with my camera's manual setting, with the above image being the result. There's also another, better image over on my Photographic Journeys blog.

Mmmm ... what else? I received an email from the TAFE tutor regarding my first assessment piece. According to his email, my piece was spot on. There was no mark given though, which I find a tad frustrating. I guess that must be a TAFE thing though, so I will have to get used to it. I finished my second assessment piece a couple of days ago. Within the next couple of days I will do a final check of the coding and submit it for review.

Well, that is all my news. I'm considering going on one of my photography expeditions tomorrow, so I will have to be a good girl and take those little yellow pills on time tonight so I can actually experience daylight tomorrow.