Thursday, August 31, 2006

More on the Medication

Continuing on from my previous post regarding going cold turkey on my medications, I must admit that I am feeling rather dependent on them and I am more than a little apprehensive about quitting them altogether. I wonder if it is an intelligent thing to do considering last time I tried to decrease my medications (that time with my pdoc's approval and support), I went down hill. I am determined to find out what I would be like sans medication though. Consequently, instead of just going cold turkey, perhaps it would be better just to slowly decrease them over a few weeks. I wouldn't go through any major withdrawal symptoms then.

I've sat down and written up a short "decreasing the medications schedule" which I will adhere to over the next few weeks.

Current medications:
  • 300mg Seroquel
  • 40mg Lexapro
  • 100mg Solian
Decreasing the medications schedule:

Week 1:
  • 200mg Seroquel (2 tablets)
  • 30mg Lexapro (1½ tablets)
  • 50mg Solian (½ tablets)
Week 2:
  • 100mg Seroquel (1 tablet)
  • 20mg Lexapro (1 tablet)
  • Nil Solian
Week 3:
  • 50mg Seroquel (½ tablet)
  • 10mg Lexapro (½ tablet)
  • Nil Solian
Week 4:
  • Medication free!!!
I think the above schedule is reasonable and as responsible as it can be given that my pdoc doesn't know anything about my intentions.

So, tonight is the night! I'm going to start decreasing my medications as of tonight. By my next pdoc appointment I will be medication free and hopefully feeling more like my old self. Then I can tell my pdoc what I have done. Wish me luck!

Frequency Changes Have Me F**ked

Here's the deal. During yesterday's appointment my pdoc suggested that we give the weekly appointments the flick and start on monthly appointments instead. The reason why? We have been going nowhere during our therapy appointments apparently since my last hospitalisation. I have apparently shut myself off to therapy. The pdoc is frustrated.

I cannot even begin to describe the thoughts that have been going through my head. One incredibly strong one is to go cold turkey on all my medications. I realise that it is going to be difficult initially, but there really is no point to taking them. Its not like I have a real psychiatric illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

Aside from having a major death wish at the moment, I want to be myself again. I want to have a sense of self. I want to feel again, regardless of whether those feelings are toxic or euphoric. I want to be able to remember things properly. I'm not going to achieve these things through medication. I wonder if it was through the medication that I lost them. Before medication I had emotions and feelings. I used to be able to cry to let my feelings out. I never self harmed (apart from a couple, incredibly superficial times here and there when I was a kid). I don't remember ever dissociating. So what is the point of continuing on with the medication if it, in fact, has made things worse.

The cessation of weekly appointments has also confirmed my thoughts about therapy. It doesn't work. There will be no time when, all of a sudden, I will realise that life is worth living. There will be no cathartic moment. Therapy doesn't change a thing. The underlying sadness that I have lived with all my life is not going to go away. I only have two choices. Get used to that fact and just live with it or do something drastic to make everything go away. To be honest, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can live like this for another 40 years until I finally snuff out due to old age.

So where does all this leave me? I'm probably overreacting. People become used to therapy and the (dubious) hidden support received through it, right? Maybe I am only reacting like many other people would when faced with the same situation. It doesn't make it right though. Overreacting like this is f**ked. Therapy doesn't work, so what is my problem?

I'll tell you what the problem is. Deep down, somewhere inside of me I held out hope. I wanted therapy to work. I wanted that moment of realisation that life could indeed be worth living. Facing up to the realisation that I will never have that moment is devastating. What the hell do I do now?

Friday, August 25, 2006

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Great Gazebo Construction

Step one: The instructions! This has got to be easy!

Step two: How do these fit together?

Step three: Three sides up! Only one to go! Woohoo!

Step four: Mmmm ... I think that goes there.

Step five: The furries lend their support ... err ... play.

Step six: Starting on the roof.

Step seven: Continuing with the roof ... how the heck does that go on there?!?

Step eight: Success!!!

Step nine: The aftermath!

I Was a Little Bit Naughty

First of all I've got to say ... two posts in one day ... wow! What is the world coming to? But now onto the real reason for this post.

I was a little naughty the other day. I gave up on the census work I'd been doing over the past few weeks. I guess giving up on it was always on the cards. I mean, it did drive me absolutely crazy and completely stuffed me physically.

I had a real reason for quitting though. Pain! For years now, I've gotten this funky pain in my leg when I walk for any distance. It didn't bother me too much when I was delivering the census forms, but collecting them was a whole different story. My leg hurt like hell! Worse still, at the same time it somehow became numb as well. I guess when collecting forms I tended to walk faster than when delivering them. The whole process was just a little bit quicker, hence the pain blowing out of proportion.

I struggled on with collecting forms for a couple of days, but when my area supervisor dropped in for a visit to see how I was going, I told her exactly what was happening and quit the job. Luckily, she responded to my news without emotion, so I didn't really feel all that guilty about quitting with only the collection period to go.

I'm actually a little surprised with myself. I would have thought that I would feel bad about quitting the job, but in reality I don't. I have actually enjoyed (if that is the right word to use) catching up with a few little things around the house, like laundry, washing the dog and watering the garden and such. I have also completed a TAFE assignment and created a poster for GBF to help him out with his work. Its good having my time to myself again and being able to work on stuff that I actually want to do.

It is good to have an alright sort of a day.

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

Now that summer is drawing near and the sun is rising a little earlier in the morning, my husky is waking me up an hour or so earlier than what was the norm during the winter months. Despite that being a bit of an adjustment to handle, this morning it helped me to remember a dream that I must have been having when the dog acted as my own personal furry alarm clock. So, without further ado, here is my dream as I remember it.

I had been admitted into a hospital which closely resembled the hospital that I have been in a few times now. In reality, psych patients generally get a private room, but in the dream I was sharing with a woman who was probably in her late 40's. For some bizarre reason, a group of wasps were building a huge, intricate nest over my room mate's bed. She didn't seem to notice or care about the nest's presence, but eventually I decided that I couldn't sleep in a room that harboured a huge wasps' nest.

The pest exterminators were called and the nest was eradicated. I remember another patient commenting on how she noticed, when the nest was being removed, that it was filled with some sort of fatty, sludgy substance. Yuck!

Upon removal however, a small number of wasps were left behind. I lay on my bed watching them scurry about on the roof, collecting the remaining vestiges of the nest and setting about building a new nest.

When I awoke the next morning, the wasps had managed to rebuild a surprisingly large amount of nest, this time on the roof above my bed. In its own way, it was just as intricate and beautiful as the original nest.

It was the final straw for me, however. I couldn't stay in the room any longer with the wasps busily buzzing around their nearly constructed nest, making their final touches on their construction. I headed outside to have a cigarette or five.

Outside there were quite a number of people milling about in small groups, chatting or smoking. I wanted to be alone, so I wandered off a little and found a seat which sat some way away from all the other people. After sitting down, two men approached the back of my seat. I turned towards them and basically told them to go away, which thankfully they did.

After a short time I re-entered the hospital building and made my way down the corridor to my room, except during my short walk down the corridor I completely forgot which room number I was staying in. I passed my room mate and asked her which room was ours. She indicated that it was room 1, but as we both entered the room, I realised that it didn't look like the correct one. At that stage, she mentioned how she didn't like sharing with other people, to which I agreed. We then agreed that we were in the wrong room, exited it and set about finding the proper room.

And that was the end of the dream as I remember it.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Updating

Quick! It's time for an update. Hubby is sleeping in the bedroom. GBF isn't home from work yet. I'm taking a break from my census work today. As a consequence I actually have some time to myself in front of the computer. Yippee!

The good news is that I finished delivering all my census forms late Tuesday afternoon. Thank goodness for that. We were supposed to have finished delivering forms by Monday evening. Oh well. Better late than never I guess. The whole exercise had left me physically exhausted and ready to chuck the whole job in.

The bad news is that census night (the 8th of August) is over and it is time to wander the streets again to collect all the forms I previously delivered. Yuck! The merry-go-round starts spinning again! There's nothing left apart from gritting my teeth and getting out there I guess. I'll start tomorrow though. I think I deserve a day at home today.

When I have finished with this whole census thing at least my butt will have gotten tighter, what with all the walking and all. Go the tighter butt, I say. Additionally, I am now sporting a new tan from all the time I have been spending out in our surprisingly strong winter sun. There's got to be a couple of good things about being a census collector.

I attended my first pdoc appointment in a month yesterday. The pdoc was ill for a couple of weeks and I cancelled last week due to being too busy with my census work, so the weekly appointments didn't exactly turn out to be weekly by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know if I really have anything to comment on from yesterday's appointment. I didn't re-read my journal before attending the appointment so I had a hard time remembering what on earth had occurred during the previous month when the pdoc was referring to what I had written. Woops! Silly me! Note to self ... remember to re-read my journal entries before attending an appointment. I'm sure that would help the appointment to flow a little easier.

During yesterday's appointment the pdoc suggested that I get the old burns on my leg looked at. Apparently they looked a little suspect. This morning I set about trying to get into one of the local doctors. I tell you, trying to get into see a doctor in this little town of mine can be an incredibly difficult thing to do. My usual GP was off attending to some sort of family crisis (eek ... poor bugger!) and the community health centre was booked out because of it. The other doctor in town I would have to be dying to bother making an appointment. The one and only time I saw the man for a mine medical he was just plain rude. Anyway, I eventually made my way to the local hospital (I guess we are lucky to have one of those) and, after a bit of a run around, saw the doctor there. I'm now on another round of antibiotics (I'm the antibiotic queen lately, I swear) to prevent infection and I have to keep the wounds covered for another five days. Good grief! What a pain! I guess there is a bad side to self harm no matter how much better it makes you feel at the time.

Anyway, that's all my news for now.