Don't quote me on this one, but a few short weeks ago my pdoc off-handedly mentioned that I feel anger rather intensely and frequently (or something along those lines). At the time I remember thinking, "Great, I probably have a personality disorder or something on top of everything else. Gee, aren't I lucky!" Tonight, as I sit here burning again, I've got to wonder if the pdoc had something there (about feeling emotions "abnormally", not the personality disorder thing).I've not long arrived home from an incredibly short social gathering, a free BBQ and public event organised by GBF as a part of his work. GBF had invited both Hubby and I, but only I went as Hubby did not want to go. Hubby whinged that I had not given him enough time to get ready and that he did not want to go out because "people sucked".
I couldn't stay any length of time at the social gathering. I felt really disappointed that Hubby had chosen not to attend. It felt like he and I never did anything together. I felt lonely in amongst the small crowd. I wandered off a little to have a cigarette and all that I could think about was how sad I felt, how much I felt like escaping and how much I felt like burning.
Anyway, the thing that I have been hiding from my blog through writing the type of posts I have lately is that I still feel like crap. I feel lost. I feel like nothing has changed since I was an adolescent. I'm still as lonely and still as non-worthy as I was then. I'm afraid that I have taken on too much with both the study and the job. I'm afraid that I will fall apart under the pressure and fail. I'm afraid that I will get overly stressed because Hubby is now on holidays for a month and he seems to constantly "joke" about how hungry he is (and that it is my responsibility to fix something for him to eat). His offhand comments on how he had managed to keep the kitchen clean when I was in hospital and how it is dirty again now I am responsible for cleaning it and further comments on what I should do over the coming days/week, grate tremendously on me. I feel like exploding, like kicking and screaming like a small child in the middle of a tantrum. Yet, it is impossible for me to get rid of these feelings without burning and without acting like a complete cranky bitch when Hubby approaches me.
Ugh! Tell me again how life is worth living.
Above photograph courtesy of stock.xchng.
Ohhhh dear...HUGS!!!!! It is hard right now isn't it? I wish I could wave a magic wand and take it all away. I understand the feeling like nothing has changed. I often say that I'm 30 years old and I feel like I haven't done a thing.
ReplyDeleteI guess though staying alive is the best and only thing that we can do or honestly be required to do.
Your husband is being unfair and I hope that he will ease up on you.
Well I do know that I was told I had anger issues too, which surprised me. Other people I talked about it to agreed. I did self harm back then too. Stop blaming yourself, put the anger out there in a productive way. Your hurting yourself might actually have something to do with those emotions. Just an observasion, and please stop hurting yourself - there are enough people out there that do it on a daily basis to everyone.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. Lately I've been having a lot of "my life is fucked" days. And then, so has Mel Gibson. I find that "getting out of my mind" helps. Not by drinking myself into the corner, but my stopping and asking myself this question:
ReplyDelete"what is wrong with my life right now until I think about it?"
I normally find the bad stuff is contained in thought only and the thoughts aren't real. Only thoughts. And they pass.
Hang in there.