Now that I (hopefully) have an extension for last term's TAFE work due to my hospital stay, I have quite a bit of spare time on my hands at the moment. To keep busy, I have been creating a website for Hubby which I promised him some time ago. I've been ultra focused on building the site too. Apart from the odd commitment I've had to fulfill, I have been working non-stop on the site, so much so I think my eyes are turning the shape of my computer's monitor! Mmmm ... maybe I should put my contact lens in or something. *smiles*
Although just a simple table layout, the website seems to be coming along nicely. There is still a huge amount of work to be done on it though. Hubby wants the site to have quite a few pages ... six so far, as well as a forum. He seems to be overly keen on the site sporting a whole lot of graphics too. I feel sorry for anyone trying to open the page on a dial-up connection. They haven't got a hope in Hades! Hubby doesn't like to do things by halves, that's for sure.
Apart from building the website, I have done the social outing thing a couple of times and even tried to attend a regional museums' conference over the weekend. It's a long story, but suffice to say crowds of people and me just don't get along. *mumbles something about being too disso-y and panicky ... grrr*
Monday, June 26, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The Stuff You eBay
It's official! I'm a sucker for eBay, especially when there are dog breed products involved. Below is an Australian Shepherd fridge magnet that I will be the proud owner of within the week.
And here is another purchase which I am considering ... a Siberian Husky garden sign.
Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute!!!!!!!!
No prizes for guessing the breeds of my furry kids. *smiles*
And here is another purchase which I am considering ... a Siberian Husky garden sign.
Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute!!!!!!!!
No prizes for guessing the breeds of my furry kids. *smiles*
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Dreaming: Night Time Mind Movies
Dreaming is such a bizarre concept. It's like we are our own little movie directors, every night weaving together a story out of our subconscious.
Even more strange are the dreams which aren't entirely remembered. These dreams are largely forgotten as soon as we open our eyes, but all it takes is just a whisper within a morning conversation for the fragments to return to conscious memory.
That is what happened to me this morning. Upon waking I was aware that I had dreamt last night, but it wasn't until I was talking with GBF over my first cup of coffee for the day that the penny dropped and I remembered a part of last night's dream.
It was night time. I was visiting a family that I didn't really know. The family was, however, relatives of Heather, my boss from last year. The mother, one of her children and I were sitting in the family's kitchen. As the mother and I chatted, the child saw a face appear in a nearby window. The face belonged to the child's father, who was a violent man and no longer lived with the family. In fear, the mother told the child to leave the kitchen and go hide in another section of the house. Once the child had fled, the father broke through the fly screened window with an ax and entered the house.
From there, the details of the dream become sketchy, however I believe that the father attacked the mother with the ax. The spirit of the family's grandmother then entered the dream. She was incensed. I could feel the spirit's ominous presence however I knew that I was safe from her wrath. It was the violent father whom the spirit wanted to kill.
That's all that I remember. What a bugger! It was certainly an "entertaining" dream to say the least. I hope the spirit was able to exact her revenge on the murderous father.
Even more strange are the dreams which aren't entirely remembered. These dreams are largely forgotten as soon as we open our eyes, but all it takes is just a whisper within a morning conversation for the fragments to return to conscious memory.
That is what happened to me this morning. Upon waking I was aware that I had dreamt last night, but it wasn't until I was talking with GBF over my first cup of coffee for the day that the penny dropped and I remembered a part of last night's dream.
It was night time. I was visiting a family that I didn't really know. The family was, however, relatives of Heather, my boss from last year. The mother, one of her children and I were sitting in the family's kitchen. As the mother and I chatted, the child saw a face appear in a nearby window. The face belonged to the child's father, who was a violent man and no longer lived with the family. In fear, the mother told the child to leave the kitchen and go hide in another section of the house. Once the child had fled, the father broke through the fly screened window with an ax and entered the house.
From there, the details of the dream become sketchy, however I believe that the father attacked the mother with the ax. The spirit of the family's grandmother then entered the dream. She was incensed. I could feel the spirit's ominous presence however I knew that I was safe from her wrath. It was the violent father whom the spirit wanted to kill.
That's all that I remember. What a bugger! It was certainly an "entertaining" dream to say the least. I hope the spirit was able to exact her revenge on the murderous father.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Self Harm and Emotions
Self harm ... why do we do it?
During my recent hospital stay, I self harmed quite regularly, in fact at least once every day. It wasn't until one of the nurses decided to dress my arms that I largely stopped. By covering up my "canvas" with dressings, I found it difficult to quench my self harming desires/needs.
My poison, so to speak, is burning. I find burning particularly effective because it seems to provide the release I apparently seek. When I am in the "zone", the pain feels incredibly good. Cutting doesn't do it for me. I can't cut deep enough and it generally doesn't give me the same sensation as the burning does.
So why a post on self harm? Because I engaged in a little earlier on in the evening and I have, for once, a strong awareness of why I had to do it.
I was just beginning to cook dinner. When I reached into the pantry to pull out a packet of pasta, I discovered that the packet on which I laid my hands had been previously opened and no attempt had been made to secure it shut again. Consequently, as I lifted the packet out of the pantry pasta spilled out everywhere. It made my blood boil. I stomped down the hallway to the computer room where my husband was and accused him of being careless etc.
Then I got to thinking. Boy had I overreacted. It was only a little bit of spilt, dry pasta for goodness sake and I had just about lopped my husband's head off because of it. Good grief! Anger is okay if justified and dealt with appropriately, but my little spat was completely over the top.
So, as I finished my cooking I continued to mull over what I had done. By the time I finally slid the casserole dish into the pre-heated oven, I was desperate to SH. After all, I had dealt with a situation inappropriately and allowed myself to feel anger far too intensely.
Sometimes it can be hard to understand self harm. Sometimes I do it to calm down. Sometimes I do it to come back to the real world. Sometimes I do it to escape from the real world into the fake one. Other times I seem to just do it for the hell of it. A lot of the time, I have no concrete knowledge of why I allow myself to indulge in it. In an odd way, it is good to finally exactly know why I SH'ed tonight.
During my recent hospital stay, I self harmed quite regularly, in fact at least once every day. It wasn't until one of the nurses decided to dress my arms that I largely stopped. By covering up my "canvas" with dressings, I found it difficult to quench my self harming desires/needs.
My poison, so to speak, is burning. I find burning particularly effective because it seems to provide the release I apparently seek. When I am in the "zone", the pain feels incredibly good. Cutting doesn't do it for me. I can't cut deep enough and it generally doesn't give me the same sensation as the burning does.
So why a post on self harm? Because I engaged in a little earlier on in the evening and I have, for once, a strong awareness of why I had to do it.
I was just beginning to cook dinner. When I reached into the pantry to pull out a packet of pasta, I discovered that the packet on which I laid my hands had been previously opened and no attempt had been made to secure it shut again. Consequently, as I lifted the packet out of the pantry pasta spilled out everywhere. It made my blood boil. I stomped down the hallway to the computer room where my husband was and accused him of being careless etc.
Then I got to thinking. Boy had I overreacted. It was only a little bit of spilt, dry pasta for goodness sake and I had just about lopped my husband's head off because of it. Good grief! Anger is okay if justified and dealt with appropriately, but my little spat was completely over the top.
So, as I finished my cooking I continued to mull over what I had done. By the time I finally slid the casserole dish into the pre-heated oven, I was desperate to SH. After all, I had dealt with a situation inappropriately and allowed myself to feel anger far too intensely.
Sometimes it can be hard to understand self harm. Sometimes I do it to calm down. Sometimes I do it to come back to the real world. Sometimes I do it to escape from the real world into the fake one. Other times I seem to just do it for the hell of it. A lot of the time, I have no concrete knowledge of why I allow myself to indulge in it. In an odd way, it is good to finally exactly know why I SH'ed tonight.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Home and Changes
Well, I'm home from hospital. Actually I've been home for a few days. I left hospital around lunch time on Thursday and arrived home that evening.
Thanks to everyone who left comments on my last post. It's great to know that there are people out there in blog land who care and have been in similar situations, even more so since I have been so slack with blogging of late. You guys rock!
After an increase of meds that helped lessen my constantly "stoned" feeling, I found hospital to be incredibly relaxing. Meals brought to your room, nothing to do except watch TV, read a book or sit outside smoking cigarettes watching the birds flutter around the garden ... it was great! Towards the end of my stay, despite the remaining underlying feeling of sadness, I definitely felt more calm and together.
Unfortunately, just after leaving hospital, my stress levels climbed dramatically. Gawd knows why. I don't have much to be stressed about in my daily life. I guess some things don't make a lot of sense. Mind you, being home and feeling like I should be keeping busy with "wifely duties" and a husband that seems to enjoy reminding me of that fact regularly does tend to make me feel pretty inadequate. Oh well. You get that, hey.
I haven't been completely idle since returning home though. Yesterday saw another trip into the semi big smoke because Hubby had an appointment to attend. Apart from the trip, I have been playing around with making my very own blog template from scratch. I think I might just have it working properly now too. *does a happy dance* I decided to keep it black and grey because, well, you can't screw that up too much. *smiles* I'm pretty happy with the result also.
Thanks to everyone who left comments on my last post. It's great to know that there are people out there in blog land who care and have been in similar situations, even more so since I have been so slack with blogging of late. You guys rock!
After an increase of meds that helped lessen my constantly "stoned" feeling, I found hospital to be incredibly relaxing. Meals brought to your room, nothing to do except watch TV, read a book or sit outside smoking cigarettes watching the birds flutter around the garden ... it was great! Towards the end of my stay, despite the remaining underlying feeling of sadness, I definitely felt more calm and together.
Unfortunately, just after leaving hospital, my stress levels climbed dramatically. Gawd knows why. I don't have much to be stressed about in my daily life. I guess some things don't make a lot of sense. Mind you, being home and feeling like I should be keeping busy with "wifely duties" and a husband that seems to enjoy reminding me of that fact regularly does tend to make me feel pretty inadequate. Oh well. You get that, hey.
I haven't been completely idle since returning home though. Yesterday saw another trip into the semi big smoke because Hubby had an appointment to attend. Apart from the trip, I have been playing around with making my very own blog template from scratch. I think I might just have it working properly now too. *does a happy dance* I decided to keep it black and grey because, well, you can't screw that up too much. *smiles* I'm pretty happy with the result also.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Hospital Bound
I'm off to hospital. Within a handful of hours I will be in the car travelling to the semi big smoke to be admitted into hospital. I've been disso'ing a lot of late, which was neither here nor there really. I'm getting used to that sort of thing and to be quite frank, I'm beyond giving a toss.
Things have turned pear shaped now though. I disso'ed big time in front of the pdoc during our appointment this afternoon. As a result, that part of me lost its mind and uttered what it had been thinking. The pdoc wanted to admit me then and there, but luckily I had a friend with me who wouldn't have been able to get home without me there to drive the car. So, I got to come home and pack which is good.
Ahhh, but 'sigh' on the hospital thing I guess. It's been a year since I was last admitted ... and then a year before that. I wonder if this is going to become a yearly thing?
Things have turned pear shaped now though. I disso'ed big time in front of the pdoc during our appointment this afternoon. As a result, that part of me lost its mind and uttered what it had been thinking. The pdoc wanted to admit me then and there, but luckily I had a friend with me who wouldn't have been able to get home without me there to drive the car. So, I got to come home and pack which is good.
Ahhh, but 'sigh' on the hospital thing I guess. It's been a year since I was last admitted ... and then a year before that. I wonder if this is going to become a yearly thing?
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