Friday, June 18, 2010

Monday, January 25, 2010

Still Around

I can't believe that this blog is still here. It's been so many years since I last posted.

I'm still alive and (somewhat) kicking. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with the dissociation and depression stuff, kinda big time actually since therapy stepped up a notch or two mid-September last year. I've been travelling into the "big smoke" to see the pdoc weekly and staying overnight in hospital. Just last week we started with two appointments per week: on the Wednesday, then the overnight stay in hospital and an appointment the following day. Don't know how that will work out in the long run. Just have to wait and see I guess. Every week seems to bring up the same crisis feelings though ... suicidal ideation, dissociation, intense hopelessness etc etc. Let's hope the old adage, "It has to get worse before it gets better," is true.

In amongst the whole head space crap, I'm going to try to loose some weight. Signed up with Weight Watchers online this morning after thinking about the weight issue for some weeks. I really don't know how successful I will be in the long run. Making bad health choices has been a mild form of self harm for me for years ... the whole if I smoke heaps and eat bad stuff, I will shorten my life considerably. So, I have all that stuff to fight against, but I'm going to give it a go anyway.

That's about it for the moment, my little blog. Write in you in another couple of years perhaps? Or maybe a week or two ... who knows.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Sleep, Dumb Sleep

Scrap that last post. Sleep is good and all when you get it but it completely sucks when you have trouble getting to sleep.

I am so awake yet so extremely tired. Pure exhaustion is what I feeling but can I fall asleep? Noooooo!

What an absolute prick of a state to be in! I long for the release of sleep but it just isn't happening. Believe me, I've been trying for that elusive sleep. I've been in bed for hours but when I turn off the TV and cuddle up to my pillow that's as far as I get.

Worse still, I'm so tired I can't bring myself to do anything useful. My whole house is filthy but I don't have the energy to clean it. I can't even be bothered doing something that I would usually enjoy ... working on one of my websites for example.


Maybe I shouldn't complain too much. After last night's limited sleep and feeling incredibly dopey all morning, I did fall asleep in the afternoon. In fact, I slept for around three hours. I guess that is part of the reason I am still awake tonight but unfortunately it doesn't make me feel any better about the predicament I find myself in now.

I am really missing my crazy meds. At least while taking Seroquel I was guaranteed of a good night's sleep. I could drink as much coffee as I wanted in the evenings. I could do whatever I wanted before going to bed. With the help of the Seroquel I slept regardless.

And while I am busy complaining, what is with feeling just as crappy now I am off the pills as I felt when I was on them? That is so not friggin' fair! I still feel down almost constantly. I still can't get excited about life by any stretch of the imagination. I still ... *insert any number of things here*.


Maybe all I need is to have something to sink my teeth into. If that is the case I can't wait until the TAFE holidays are over and my next term of study begins. Let's hope that is all it is.

Update: Okay, I relented. It's now 2:15am and I have just finished sawing one of my Seroquel tablets in half. Half a one is better than a full one, right? Anyway, it is down the hatch now so hopefully I will be getting some sleep in a hour or so. Thank goodness for that!

Monday, September 25, 2006

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

Last night I actually slept without the aid of Seroquel. How about that! Okay, well, it was an incredibly short sleep (maybe four hours) but it was a good sleep … no tossing or turning at all. Oh, and yeah, I still feel tired this morning but ya get that. I guess there is just no pleasing me. *smiles*

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I Want, I Want, I Want!

I want my own domain! I want, I want, I want!!! * insert childlike foot stomping here *

For a few days now I have been mucking around with a WordPress blog over on my domain. (Yes, that's right ... I already have my own domain). I set up a new blog on a subdomain just for fun, found myself a cute little WordPress template (be stuffed if I can write my own ... that php stuff is just too much of a mystery to me), and even made a couple of posts.

The problem is that the subdomain thing just isn't working for me. To begin with adding a personal blog to the domain feels plain weird considering the type of stuff I write in my blog. It doesn't fit with the original website that sits on that domain. Additionally, half the time the blog doesn't load. Now that's a pain and a half when I want to write a post or just take a look at the cute little cartoon characters that appear on the template.

So ... I want, I want, I want!!!

Is it silly to pay for another domain (not that it's all that expensive * smiles *) just to plop a blog on it when blogger works perfectly fine? Mind you, I could always move my Central Queensland Cemeteries website over to the new domain and just let the domain lapse when it is due for renewal. That way I could have my website and my blog. I would just need to pick a good all-rounder type of domain name that suits both my blog and my website.

Mmmm ... choices, choices, choices.

I want, I want, I want!!!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Breathe Me

During my travels around the Internet yesterday, I stumbled across a song which sums up how I have been feeling a lot over these past few weeks. The song is Breathe Me by Sia and the lyrics are as follows:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

What a powerful little song! Over the past few weeks I have felt terribly alone, even if in reality I haven’t been. I’ve felt like I have lost myself. I felt like I was breaking apart. I have definitely felt unsafe.

Sometimes it is hard to express oneself. In it’s own way, coming across such a song helps to let it all out.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

No Brainer

no brain needed
GBF travelled up north for a conference this week. He took my camera with him and, as a result, arrived home with a bunch of photographs from his travels. Here's my favourite photo though. It's my new motto!