Self Harm and Emotions

Self harm ... why do we do it?

During my recent hospital stay, I self harmed quite regularly, in fact at least once every day. It wasn't until one of the nurses decided to dress my arms that I largely stopped. By covering up my "canvas" with dressings, I found it difficult to quench my self harming desires/needs.

My poison, so to speak, is burning. I find burning particularly effective because it seems to provide the release I apparently seek. When I am in the "zone", the pain feels incredibly good. Cutting doesn't do it for me. I can't cut deep enough and it generally doesn't give me the same sensation as the burning does.

So why a post on self harm? Because I engaged in a little earlier on in the evening and I have, for once, a strong awareness of why I had to do it.

I was just beginning to cook dinner. When I reached into the pantry to pull out a packet of pasta, I discovered that the packet on which I laid my hands had been previously opened and no attempt had been made to secure it shut again. Consequently, as I lifted the packet out of the pantry pasta spilled out everywhere. It made my blood boil. I stomped down the hallway to the computer room where my husband was and accused him of being careless etc.

Then I got to thinking. Boy had I overreacted. It was only a little bit of spilt, dry pasta for goodness sake and I had just about lopped my husband's head off because of it. Good grief! Anger is okay if justified and dealt with appropriately, but my little spat was completely over the top.

So, as I finished my cooking I continued to mull over what I had done. By the time I finally slid the casserole dish into the pre-heated oven, I was desperate to SH. After all, I had dealt with a situation inappropriately and allowed myself to feel anger far too intensely.

Sometimes it can be hard to understand self harm. Sometimes I do it to calm down. Sometimes I do it to come back to the real world. Sometimes I do it to escape from the real world into the fake one. Other times I seem to just do it for the hell of it. A lot of the time, I have no concrete knowledge of why I allow myself to indulge in it. In an odd way, it is good to finally exactly know why I SH'ed tonight.