What Is It With Pharmacists?

Today's post is about exactly what the title says ... what is it with pharmacists?? I popped down to my one and only local pharmacy today to fill my Seroquel prescription. While I was waiting for it to be filled, one of the attendants called out to me from behind the back counter, asking if I was still taking Efexor XR. There weren't that many people in the pharmacy at that time, but geez ... surely a bit of privacy/confidentiality is called for in such situations. I mean, I don't want the whole town knowing that I take anti-D meds for goodness sake. Small town grapevines work too bloody well for that sort of thing. Perhaps the scary thing is that this is not the first time this has happened to me either. Mmmm.

Could you imagine if you had some sort of "embarrassing" condition ... let's say haemorrhoids? Wouldn't it be just peachy if the pharmacist yelled out, in front of everyone in the store, "Just how bad of a breakout of haemorrhoids do you have this time, Mrs Smith? I want to make sure I give you the correct strength ointment." Good grief! Wouldn't that be just great!

Winter Storms and Darkness

I drove to the "semi big smoke" for my weekly pdoc appointment today. It's a four hour round trip ... gotta love it! The drive home was actually quite surreal. It was so dark, with no moon visible at all. It was like driving with tunnel vision, having to focus on just where my car's headlights were shining. For at least an hour and a half of my journey, I was travelling towards and then through an electrical storm. It was odd driving with all the lightening piercing the darkness around me. Luckily though, when it started to pour down with rain I neared the back of a road train. I was able to follow its tail lights throughout the duration of the downpour. Once the rain had stopped, the road train turned into a road house so I had the highway to myself again. How uncanny is that?

My pdoc appointment was really difficult. He asked me about a childhood memory I had referenced in an earlier post in this blog. It's such an insignificant memory in some respects, but it was incredibly painful to have to voice it. Gawd knows why. It seems so stupid. What is so hard about saying, "I remember such and such event when I was a kid." When? I've got no idea. What did you feel at the time? Buggered if I know. What happened? I truly haven't got a clue. It was just a random visual flash. Get over it.

For a short time I wondered if the pdoc was going to let me drive home. He gets all quiet and serious looking. It was a bit of a scary thought really. I've probably only been out of hospital this time around a month or so. I don't know if I really could have cared less if he hadn't let me walk out of his office though. It's hard to tell.

I felt rather freaky after I left the appointment and ended up having to phone a friend just so that I could ... ummm ... feel real again. Thanks Joey. You bought me back from wherever my brain was going.

Oh, my meds are getting upped again too. Yay.

Anyway, that was my day. I definitely won't be sad when this day comes to an end. It was my third wedding anniversary today too, so today's happenings kinda put a dampener on that, dammit. My hubby gave me the most wonderful gift to celebrate our anniversary too ... an angel worry box where you can play the music and shut all your cares away. How amazing is that!

Housewifey Stuff & Mental States

It's been a busy day ... well for me anyway. I vacuumed up half a husky from the carpet and furniture. I've still got another half a husky to go but I think I will leave that for tomorrow now. You can only unclog a vacuum cleaner a certain number of times in one day. I also did some laundry, watered the garden and picked up some groceries from Woolies.

I've still got the kitchen to clean up though. It's been a mess since yesterday because I wasn't really in any state to do housework last night. I am a master procrastinator though, so I am waiting for as long as I can before I have to get up and do something about it.

Mood-wise, I have remained in my agitated/anxious (whatever it is) state throughout the day. It's been a little more bearable than last night though, thank goodness. I wish I could describe adequately how I feel when in this state, but as per always, I find it difficult. Essentially though, it's been really hard to sit still and concentrate on anything all day, hence me resorting to doing some housework to try to kill off some of the nervous energy. It also feels like my heart is racing within me, although I imagine that in reality it isn't. After a while the thoughts start to run wild too, which can be a problem. In short, it's like you're all churned up inside and there is no way to calm down.

Tonight however, I am much calmer which is kinda nice.

Doin' the Loopy Thang

I'm weirding out a little here tonight. The urges to SH are back. Damn, I miss it. I know that it sounds silly, but I can't help it. It used to calm me down. Sometimes it used to make me feel more real. At other times it actually used to help me dissociate. Who would actually want to dissociate, right? Well, sometimes it is just easier too. Shoot me.

Everything is kinda annoying me tonight. One of the furry kids is laying at my feet. She's licking and licking and licking her paw. Fark! My hubby woke up earlier this evening. The first thing he did was come out to the lounge room where I was sitting watching TV and surfing through blogs, and ask me question after question. Even the little circle thing that's going around and around at the top of my browser window is giving me the sh#ts. For fark sake!! Why doesn't this page just load properly already?? Damn, I'm even rocking back and forth like a psycho as I type this. I've got to calm down a little. Geez.

Okay, what the hell have I done today to encourage this state? Ummm ... nothing really. It's been an average day. I did a load of laundry, ironed for an hour or so, then popped around to *C*'s place to help her with a computer program that I installed for her yesterday. She's one of those computer illiterates. It was a good visit, although I suppose it was "another me" talking during my visit. I still felt like me though. Does that make any sense?

I dunno. I think I will just go and make myself a cup of tea or something. I've already taken my meds tonight so hopefully things will calm down soon.

Eek! I'm a Murderer!

Can I just say .... ewwwww! A few minutes ago I popped out to the kitchen to grab a Coke. There was none in the fridge, so I opened up the pantry door to grab myself a bottle to chuck in the fridge. As I pulled the bottle out of the pantry I was presented with a half-squished mouse. Eek! (Or is that eek ... splat?) The recently deceased mouse had scuttled past my strategically placed no-kill mouse trap straight into the jaws of the old fashioned mouse trap I had set inside of the pantry. Maybe my plague of feral mice aren't quite as intelligent as I gave them credit.

I'm a mouse murderer! Waaahhhhhh! Poor, little mouse dude. Oh, I mean woohoo. Got another one. Yay. Yuck!!

Winter Snow Again!

Husky fur sofa.

Well, it's snowing in sunny Queensland again. Unfortunately it's not that fluffy white cold stuff that you can make snowmen out of. Instead, it's husky fur! Nikita, my husky, is starting to blow her coat after her bath the other day. Why the silly critter starts blowing her coat in the middle of winter is beyond me, but she always does it.

Okay, I must admit that it's not really beyond me at all. When she blows her coat depends on her seasons. It still seems silly to me that bitches blow their coat in winter though. Brrrr.

Anyway, for the next few weeks I have to brush the fur-losing critter constantly, in addition to vacuuming the carpet repeatedly. To top all that off, she blows her coat so bad that the vacuum clogs up with her fur. Let me just say that it is lots of fun unclogging the vacuum cleaner every few metres.

Perhaps the scary thing is that I don't give a toss about having fur covered carpet and furniture. It's part of the joy of owning a Sibe and I wouldn't have it any other way. She's just such a cutie.

Still Not So Good

I would rather be writing a fun, light-hearted post tonight about mice or dogs or anything really. If truth be known though, the depressed mood I've been experiencing on and off since Tuesday is really starting to weigh me down. I woke up late this morning feeling like crap and have struggled with the feeling throughout the entire day.

Going shopping today was its own form of hell. Sometimes I wish I didn't live in this small town so that everytime I stepped outside the house I didn't have to run into someone I know. Having to say, "Fine thankyou," to the obligatory "Hi, how are you's," today made me feel like curling up into a tight ball to sob uncontrollably in the middle of the grocery store. Of course I just continued on with my shopping like nothing was wrong.

I hate having to live this lie. It's been a year and a half since I was first officially diagnosed with major depression. The concept of dissociation came later when the pdoc became involved. The major depression has largely gone I think, but I am as sure as hell that the dysthymia and dissociation remain. The longer mental illness continues, the more it feels like you have to hide its impact from your friends and family. They just seem to tire of it. It's bloody hard to keep that public mask up, and days like today, it is damn near impossible.

So What's Today Really Been Like?

On a whole I have felt pretty good today. This morning a really low mood was threatening to steal my day away from me. The comment that *C* made the other day was still weighing heavily on my mind I think. Thankfully the low mood did not survive through to the afternoon, probably due to the furry kids entertaining me with their loony behaviour after their baths. I love watching them hoon around the backyard like a couple of mad things. Pity they were still slightly damp from their baths and ran back inside with incredibly muddy paws and legs. D'oh!

Anyway, bring on the good mood for tomorrow too.

No TV & Dogs Washing Humans

I was woken up at sparrow fart (well, sparrow fart for me is 8:00am these days ) by my hubby arriving home from night shift. Still half asleep, I stumbled out to the kitchen to make a cuppa, sat down on the lounge room sofa and turned on the TV to catch the morning news. What was showing on the TV instead? Nothing! There was only the hiss and fuzz of static on every single channel.

I didn't give up on my morning entertainment though. I was certain that the TV channels would start airing again soon. Hours later however, the TV was still nothing more than static. Just what is an unemployed person supposed to do without the relentless drone of the TV sounding all day to soften the silence? Housework? Yuck, no way! Sit in front of the computer surfing blogs on the Internet. Well yeah ... that goes without saying. What I decided to do though was wash the dogs.

Now I must admit that one of my furry kids is a gem to wash. She jumps into the bathtub all by herself and stands there while I scrub in the shampoo and then rinse it out. Towel drying is a different story though. She much prefers to use my legs as her personal towel. By the time she dried herself off, my jeans (yes, I was silly enough to wear jeans even though I know what she does) were completely soaked. Ick!

On to my second furry kid. Now Nikita is a Siberian Husky and as every husky owner knows, they have a mind of their own and are way too intelligent for their own(ers') good. When I called her inside for her bath, she ran straight past me and into her crate in the bedroom. She sat there, peeking outside her crate as I called her and called her ... and called her and called her. The look on her face said, "Haha Mum, there is no way you are going to give me a bath!" Finally I gave up, reached inside her crate and pulled her out. She got her revenge on me though. She shook so many times during her bath that I'd swear, if I didn't know better, that I ended up way wetter than she did. At least I won't have to worry about getting infested with fleas any time soon. *grumble grumble*

OMG, I know this is totally unrelated but I just saw on the nightly news that it snowed in southern Queensland today. (Yep, the TV channels finally came back on this evening). Damn, you know you're in the middle of a super cold snap when it snows in Queensland. Brrrr!

Thinking "Aloud"

Wednesday faded away and Thursday dawned. Thank gawd! I'm feeling better for it too. No more having to think about what I am feeling or how I am going.

It's funny how quickly mood states can change. Yesterday, when driving home from my pdoc appointment, I was eyeing off the road trains and taking notice of just about every place a car could run off the road. It's something that I do after nearly all of my appointments. The drive takes a couple of hours too. Sometimes it can be comforting knowing that I have an out if I choose to take it. Other times it can be downright scary when I catch myself doing it. Yesterday was one of the scary times.

However tonight I'm pretty much back to "normal" again. I'm not really feeling anything. I'm just here, sitting in front of the 'puter and that is about it. Nothing more. On occasions I get frustrated with this non-feeling state, but tonight I am going to revel in it. Sweet peace again!

Beer, Cigarettes, Pink Floyd & Depression (don't read any further kiddies)

Shine on you crazy diamond ... do do do do do do

Damn, I haven't cracked open a beer all this year, but I really need one tonight. I feel like crap. Just one more step and I will be outside myself. Bring it on! If I let myself go enough, I will be able to make the red flow. I haven't been able to do that properly since leaving hospital. I just lost the ability to, well, you know. I want that ability back tonight. I need it. I miss my most successful coping mechanism.

I always seem to fall apart after a pdoc appointment. I guess I had forgotten how disgusting I could feel since I missed my regular appointment last week. Having to try to connect with my emotions and talk about how I have been going depresses the hell out of me. The main problem is that I can't talk about emotions and shit. How the hell can I when I don't have them? It sucks!

Add the above to a telephone call I received from *C* tonight, letting me know that she arrived home safely from her trip down to Brisvegas earlier today. We spoke a little about my pdoc appointment. Then, for some godforsaken reason, we got onto what things were like for us as kids. I have very little memory of my childhood ... just the odd memory that pops up occasionally and they are always the fucked ones. Why the hell my brain doesn't let me remember any of the good times I had is beyond me. Those memories must be hidden away somewhere in my mind too ... surely.

Anyway, *C* said something to me that left me shattered. She meant it in the kindest way but sometimes she just calls a spade a spade. The words that she uttered were, "You probably won't like hearing this, but you have got to stop feeling sorry for yourself". Dammit. She's probably right. After she said it though, I came the closest I have come in months and months to crying. Nothing makes me cry anymore.

Tonight I wanted to write about what my pdoc and I discussed during my appointment today. I haven't got the energy to go into it though. Hopefully I will be able to later.

Come On People ... Geez!

It's not often that you'll see me write what I suppose is a rant here (maybe its because I am in a bad mood today), but I've just seen the silliest story on the nightly news. Apparently a "gentleman's club" by the name of Playmate Mansion has been taken to court because one of their exotic dancers exposed her breasts. The business actually lost the court case and has to pay a bunch of fines and stuff. The exotic dancer in question has been given the sack.

WTF?!? Maybe I have been living underneath a rock or something, but come on! Not that it is my cup of tea, but if you choose to spend a night out at a place called Playmate Mansion, wouldn't you except to see a breast or two?? Geez!

I dunno ... maybe some people are just insane (not counting me of course )

So Not My Life Plan

Today is just not one of my best days. I'm not myself. I'm feeling quite down. I have a headache looming in the background which is threatening to make my head hurt like hell. I guess I am feeling a little tired too. Blah!

Maybe I feel like crap because its the winter solstice today. It's been overcast all day too, so there hasn't been much sun around.

Urgh! I just want today to be over. I'll definitely be taking my meds early tonight. Hopefully that will knock me out early and Tuesday will be no more.

Rain, Mice and Lazy Days

I've so little to write about tonight, but here goes anyway.

First of all, it's raining! Yippee! Everything is going to be so green soon. How exciting!

Okay, okay. What's so exciting about it raining, I hear you ask. I live in a reasonably dry part of the world, so I am allowed to get overly excited when it rains. It just doesn't rain all that often here. I'm sure it's going to make the farmers happy too, so a little celebration is in order.

Oh, and Joey, this is for you! My mouse count is now up to a HUGE 4! Another reason for celebrating! I got one last night and two the night before. I am the mouse trapping queen! The little buggers are just so cute though. I'm almost tempted to keep them as pets. Mmm ... I guess that would be defeating the purpose though. Hehe.

After staying awake all last night, I finally got to sleep about 6:00am this morning. Man, I slept like a log. I didn't rise until 1:00pm when the alarm clock sounded. I promised a friend of mine that I would help her son with his resume this afternoon, so that kept me busy for a couple of hours. Apart from that, and a quick visit to the shops to pick up a couple of supplies, I have been sitting in front of my laptop. Now that is a surprise, isn't it. Can anyone say 'addicted'? Mmmm.

Anyway, that was my day. It was just an average, low key day which I seem to be handling reasonably well these days. My only problem was my usual hint of "omg, people ... urgh!" when I was at the shopping centre, but I was only there for a few minutes, so the discomfort was only minimal. Other than that, I guess I am feeling okay. Phew!

Children Learn What They Live

It's been an average sort of day really so I don't have much to report. I awoke about 10:30 and spent most of the day mucking around on my computer. Mind you, I wasn't totally lazy. I did do a couple of loads of laundry and cooked a roast dinner.

Anyway, here's a quote from a book I read some time ago. I was so touched by these words at the time, that I noted them down in my old, written journal. Unfortunately I did not write down the reference, so I can't cite it here. If you recognise the excerpt and know which book it is from, please let me know.

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

However,

If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.

These words seem amazing to me, but I can't sufficiently explain why. Perhaps I still mourn for a perfect childhood. I doubt that the "perfect childhood" exists though. That's kind of sad.

Anyway, if I ever become a parent (and I'm not planning to anytime soon) I hope I will remember to print out the above words and stick them onto my fridge. In that way I will be able to remind myself on a daily basis just how important parenting is.

Mouse Hunt

You wouldn't believe what movie is showing on TV tonight! Mouse Hunt. Yep, that's right! I can't believe it!

For those that don't know, Mouse Hunt is a movie made in the late 1990's. Basically the story-line is about a couple of inept brothers who inherit an old mansion. They soon discover that there is an incredibly intelligent and resourceful mouse inhabiting the mansion. From there, the war begins as they try to dispose of the mouse. The little mouse thwarts all their attempts however. Now what is up with that??

I'm starting to think that the mice of the world are banding together in an attempt to overthrow humans and gain world domination. Mmmm ... if I didn't know better, I would be worried that I am becoming just a tad paranoid here!

Anyway, Nikita (my Siberian Husky) is sitting beside me on the couch. Her stare is fixated on the corner where my display cabinet meets the wall. OMG, I just saw a little furry head pop out from behind the cabinet. Aaaahhhhh!

That's it! I am setting all my mouse traps tonight!

Grocery Shopping is Evil

I hate grocery shopping with a passion!

How many entries has it been since I whinged about there being too many people in the world? Probably not all that many. I swear to gawd though, I wish I never had to step foot outside my little suburban block again. It's just too hard!

Actually, as I was walking around the grocery store this afternoon, I was doing pretty well. I had timed my visit just right. There weren't that many people around. In fact I didn't really start to think about the people around me and my social discomfort until I was nearing the last few aisles. I was going to make it through my entire shopping expedition without feeling too anxious. Yay me!

As I was unloading my trolley at the checkout, another shopper lined up behind me. She picked up a magazine to flip through while waiting. She then uttered a gasp of surprise. The checkout operator and I looked at her and she showed us a picture of Paris Hilton's huge engagement ring as an explanation for her gasp.

The friendly shopper began chatting about her husband and how he hadn't given her an engagement ring when they got engaged. He was at university at the time and as such money had been incredibly tight. She continued by mentioning how her husband was off work with a shoulder injury and how much of a sook he was when he was sick.

Our brief conversation carried on as we discussed how, in general, the male subspecies are all an incredibly sooky lot when they are not feeling the best. The conversation continued that is, until I finally snapped out of my daze and understood just who I was speaking to. The friendly shopper was in fact the local doctor's wife.

Quick explanation ... I live in a small town of a few thousand people or so. The local newspapers of late have run several stories on how our town has been left without a doctor for the hospital because he has been off work for a month due to illness and how the government health department has not adequately replaced him. In addition to this, last year wasn't one of my best years. During the first half of the year I took several medication overdoses. I therefore got to know both the local doctor and the interior of the hospital fairly well.

As soon as I clicked to who the friendly shopper actually was, an incredible wave of guilt overtook me. Lawd knows why really. She had no way of knowing who I was and why should I feel guilty anyway? I'm far from the first person in the world to take a handful of pills a few times to see if I could not wake up the next day.

Despite these couple of things, the guilt remains. Guilty of what, I'm not entirely certain. Do I feel guilty about taking the pills and thus wasting the hospital staff's time and resources? Do I feel guilty because of the hurt I caused my husband? Or is it because, somewhere deep inside me, I still wish that I had been able to do the job properly ... to have not woken up the next day. I don't know. I just can't feel anymore!

OMG ... The Stench!!

Humans: 1
Mice: 1,000,000

OMG ... it's official. The mice are winning the war in a big way!

I noticed a really funky odour coming from my kitchen last night. I spent half of my waking hours last night wandering around the kitchen sniffing. Oh my gawd, it was bad! Try as hard as I could, I just couldn't pinpoint the origin of the offending smell. Eventually my meds kicked in and I had to go to bed defeated.

Unfortunately this morning when I awoke, the stench had gotten worse. It was wafting from the kitchen, down the hallway, into the lounge room ... just everywhere! Yuck!

Once again I circled the kitchen sniffing in vain. That is until I lent down behind the refrigerator and took one great whiff. Urgh! I nearly chundered. I had finally found the stench's source.

I desperately tried to slide the fridge away from the wall. Succeeding, I grabbed a torch to take a better look behind the refrigerator. At the back of the fridge there is a receptacle that was full of water (probably as a result of our recent "no power" situation). Problem is, it wasn't full of clean water. Rather the mice had obviously been in the receptacle when it was dry and pooped everywhere. Consequently, the water was this murky sludge of decaying mouse poop!

OMG, I am in the middle of cleaning it now. It's absolutely disgusting! Save me!

I am definitely going to set up the mouse trap behind the fridge tonight. I may have been defeated in this battle, but I will win the war!

First Battle of War Won

Humans: 1
Mice: 0

I finally caught one!

Through my fog this morning, I remembered to check the mouse trap I set last night (amazingly enough). I gave the trap a little shake and felt the tiny body move around within it. The successful trap was one of those non-kill ones so the mouse was still alive.

I immediately took the trap to my hubby, to show him my prize. He ventured a look inside the trap and confirmed the existence of a trapped mouse. He then promptly took the trap outside and dropped the mouse into our wheelie bin. Disposed of mouse! No worries, right?

I have a problem though. I feel sorry for the little critter.

I actually didn't think that much about it until I went to clean out the trap tonight in order to set it up again. All's I can say is the poor little mouse must have panicked quite a lot throughout his captivity because he pooped everywhere inside the trap! Eek!

Anyway, I have to remain strong! I guess war is not for the faint-hearted. So tonight I have to set up that trap again. There are many more little furry terrorists out there.

* * * * * * * * * *

Final note: I'm still feeling pretty strange tonight. I just feel a bit out of step with myself ... not 100% here in a way. I'm starting to feel quite fidgety too. I guess it is a left-over from this morning's weirdness.

It kind of sucks. I've tried eating. I've tried writing journal entries. I've even spoken with a couple of friends on the phone tonight. The only thing I haven't tried is SH, but hubby is home tonight so that is not an option. I guess I will have to wait until the feeling goes away by itself. Dammit.

Outside of Myself

I woke up outside of my body ... seriously! I'm putting it down to a Seroquel hangover, but I must still be in bed or something because I can't be sitting here in front of my laptop at the moment. This is too weird!

Anyway, I'm counting on this typing to snap me out of it, so here goes ...

It's 3:00pm. In the distance, a phone rings. There is movement beside me. It must be my hubby getting up to answer that phone. A voice comes from the next room. "What's your phone number?" More movement bedside me. My hubby returns.

Now, a serious amount of moving beside me. My hubby is stirring the dogs. Apparently Nikita is laying across his pillows. Shakara is cuddled up beside me. It doesn't last for long though. Once Nikita hops up, its time to take them outside. Urgh! I have to get up. I have to wake up properly.

So I get up out of bed. I must still be asleep though, because I really feel like I have left my true self back in bed. My body is going through the motions of taking the dogs outside, but I must still be in bed sleeping ... surely. It's just so surreal!

My body comes back inside. My hubby starts asking it questions. It mutters something to him about needing a coffee; that it will start responding to his questions properly in just a little bit.

However, my body has had the coffee. It's eaten a bowl of microwaveable oats. I haven't quite caught up with it yet. I'm in the hallway, somewhere between the bedroom and the loungeroom where my body is currently sitting in front of the laptop.

Note to self ... I must ring *C* after 7:00pm. Hopefully committing it to words will help me remember.

Come to think of it, I must ring my family tonight too. Since leaving hospital my step-mother has been making me promise to ring her and Dad on a regular basis. I haven't yet, so I really have to remember to phone them this week.

Damn! When will this bizarre sleeping-walking thing end?

The War Begins!

I'm feeling really tired tonight. I finally got to sleep this morning around 5:00 or so, but by 10:30am I was wide awake again. Mmm ... five and a half hours sleep. Probably not too bad compared to what some people get on a nightly basis I guess, but my eyes are feeling really heavy.

Anyway, I'm happy to report that yesterday's electricity debacle is over. Thanks to a visit from a couple of incredibly cute electricians (sorry hubby) all lights and power points are in safe, working order again. It turns out that our current unwelcome house guests (mice ... yuck!) had well and truly chewed through an extension cord that was virtually hidden behind the wardrobe in our bedroom.

I think mice are really cute and all, but now that they are chewing our electrical cords (eek!), this means war! I popped down to the local hardware store and stocked up on a couple of different types of mouse traps. The greater number of different types of traps I have, the better the chance of catching the little terrorists, I reckon.

You see, a couple of months ago, I invested in the traditional wooden, snap type mouse trap. Let me just say that the mice that are infesting our house (double yuck!) must be a new ultra-intelligent subspecies because every time I set the trap, the next morning I would find the bait gone and the trap untripped. I swear, I must have had the fattest mice around with all the extra food I was feeding them.

However tonight the war begins! All the mouse traps will be set up in strategic places. I fully expect complete and utter victory in the morning.

On a final note, after writing about my social anxiety thing during a previous entry, I am delighted to say that when I left the house today to go to the hardware and then on to the service station to pick up some milk and cigarettes, I didn't feel overly anxious at all. Thank goodness!

I must admit that I chose to purchase the milk and cigarettes from the servo because I didn't want to face going to the shopping centre. I actually drove past the first servo and continued on to the second one too. (The old story ... the first servo was too busy ... woops.) But I wasn't that bad, honest. By doing what I did, I avoided the uncomfortable feeling I get around too many people and successfully conversed with both the hardware and servo's customer service people. Yay me!

The Inner Flame

I came across a wonderful analogy written by Flame in her blog, "My Ramblings". It reads as such:

The Burning Flame

Each of us is born with a flame inside of us ... pure and uncontaminated. Our experiences alter this flame. It can be intensified, taught how to glow so brightly and passionately, or it can be diminished until there is nothing left except an ember of what we could have been.

The trick is to rekindle your own flame.

I must admit that I really quite like the thought of an inner flame and that no matter how diminished it becomes, it still survives as an ember.

Flame, I hope that your road to rekindle your flame is a short one.

You Know You're Hooked When .....

What's with only having ONE working power point in an entire house in this day and age!?!

It's just gone midnight. I'm fanging for a cup of coffee but I only have one working power point in the house. Of course, being the Internet addict that I am, I've plugged my laptop into the sole-surviving power point and dusted off the old dial-up modem. Wallah! Instant, if not a little bit slower than usual, Internet connection.

Mmm ... I've just had an idea! I still have reasonably cool milk left in the fridge (thanks to several bags of ice) and I think I still have enough hot water to dissolve a teaspoon of coffee into a mug. It must be time for an iced coffee.

Okay, I'm back now with my caffeine fix and feeling just a tad better, so let's actually start this entry.

Today has been one of those days where you just have to try to smile, otherwise you would lose it. Scarily, I actually did lose it a little earlier, but let's leave that to later in this entry. I woke up at my usual late hour (somewhere around 3:30pm I think) to find most of the power off in the house. Thankfully, the lights are still working, along with my lone, trusty power point. I guess one of the electrical appliances is tripping out the power all the time. Sadly, I haven't been able to work out which one it is, so tonight is going to be very-little-electricity night. Bummer!

Despite the power fun, I saw my hubby off to work earlier this evening. Thanks to the local Red Rooster takeaway, he actually had some dinner to take with him too, which I am sure he really appreciated. So now it is just me and the furry kids left in our relatively darkened house.

Anyway, back to the losing it part. Have I mentioned somewhere before in this blog that I have some sort of annoying social anxiety thing happening? I first became aware of it at the beginning of last year. At the time I blamed it on a particular anti-D drug I was taking. (I have a tendency to want to blame these sort of things on the drugs I think). Unfortunately though, it seems to be escalating in severity this year. Thankfully I don't experience full-on panic attacks. I couldn't even begin to wonder how horrible they would be. Rather, I just feel extremely uncomfortable when I am around people, to the point where I greatly prefer to flee a situation so that I can calm down.

Tonight at Red Rooster, I was kind of stuck. I had to organise my hubby's crib for work so there was no way I could escape the situation. I just had to sit there in amongst the other customers while the Red Rooster staff took ages to prepare the orders. I swear I was sitting in the store for 20 minutes and all the time silently freaking within myself. Finally though, my order was ready. I almost ran to the car and sped home. Safe at last!

When I arrived home, it was time to wake my hubby up so he could get ready to go to work. The bad thing was, by this time I was feeling frustrated with my inability to ... well ... not be scared witless in social situations. Unfortunately my poor hubby wore my frustration when he was helping me get his crib ready. To his credit, he came over and gave me a comforting hug, which was really kind of out of character for him, so it was nice and surprising.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. I don't have my regular appointment with my pdoc so I can sleep in as much as I want. Although, maybe it would be a good idea to call an electrician.

Soulless

I've

become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much less aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you

Numb
Linkin Park
(with my apologies for changing one of the words)

I realise this is a bit of a change from tonight's earlier entries, but I'm still having difficulties coming to terms with losing so much of myself. I'm still numb in a way. Not that soul-destroying numbness that I have felt in the past, but numb nevertheless.

Essentially, this sense of numbness is the loss of my ability to feel properly, to experience a real emotion that doesn't smack of fakeness. I'm at the point where my persona around my family and friends is more often than not that giggling person that I used to be. (Actually she was quite annoying in her own right ... like the doctor in The Simpsons that laughs after everything he says even if it is, "You only have 24 hours to live, Homer.")

However that persona is not me. The real inner me, is very different. I lack depth, empathy and the ability to really feel both what is going on around me and within me. I could walk past the greatest masterpiece in the world and not be moved.

Do I miss who I was? I don't know. It's difficult for me to understand who that person was, to really remember her, with all her dimensions. All that I know is that in some bizarre way she has been lost forever and replaced with the person that sits in front of the laptop now. My name is still Kym. I still have her memories (well, most of them anyway). She is gone though and I am left to continue on.

What a Cutie!

One of my babies ... Nikita, the Siberian Husky. I just wish she didn't wake up so damn early in the mornings!

Just Another Day

Today was just another average day. I woke up early to my Siberian Husky jumping around the bedroom saying, "I need to go for a wee walk ... I need to go for a wee walk!" Of course, my hubby wasn't about to get up out our warm, cosy bed to let her outside. Mmmmm, I am certain that on the pedigree papers it says that she is HIS dog. Surely that means HE should be the one getting out of bed, not me.

After tending to the dogs' needs, I got myself some breakfast and sat down to watch a bit of morning television. Next thing I know it was about 3:30pm! Looks like I slept through the majority of another day. Woops.

Since 3:30, I saw my hubby off to work and have spent the vast majority of the remaining time on the Internet. Consequently my day has been nothing to write home about, that's for sure.

The friend I spoke about during my last entry (i.e. the local one) rang me earlier tonight. What a coincidence that she rang when I was only thinking of her last night. As is her style, she told me off for not calling her after my last pdoc appointment on Wednesday. I think she likes to know that I get home safely after the appointments because its a four hour round trip and I do have a tendency to eye off those semi-trailers on the way home. My friend is a bit of a mother hen when it comes to that sort of thing, but I must admit that I really, really appreciate the mother hen in her.

Anyway, onto the $99 question ... how have I felt today? I guess I have been alright. Apart from a short spell of feeling ... well ... not myself earlier this afternoon, I have been fine. I don't feel particularly down. I don't feel elated. I just am.

Inside Looking Out

I'm sitting here in front of my laptop listening to my drunken neighbours. They are having one of their semi-regular barbeque evenings with their family and friends. Sounds, sights and smells! Sounds ... drunken bravado and adults and children enjoying themselves. Sights ... their outdoor lights shining through my open window. Smells ... of sausages barbequing away.

Earlier this afternoon, I chatted briefly with a friend who lives down in the 'real world' (i.e. in S.E. Qld). She spoke of the fun she had last night when she went out with her sister. She also said that she was going out tonight for dinner with some friends and then hopefully onto the local night clubs with her netball buds. She's been through a hell of a lot lately. I hope she has a great time.

But ...

I must admit that I am feeling a little out of step with the world tonight. I just can't seem to live in it at the moment. There are just too many people out there. Even stepping foot into a shopping centre is a scary thing. I can remember a time when window shopping and people watching were two of my favourite activities. Hey, I was a student then, so didn't have a lot of money to do much else.

Since leaving hospital weeks ago, I haven't even been visiting a close friend in town. I have only been around to her place once, yet I used to visit her incredibly regularly. She has been there for me through everything I have experienced over this past year or so, so why does it feel so strange visiting her?

So, I hide away inside the house which I share with my husband. I am awake most of the night and I sleep most of the day. Simple things like having a shower and getting dressed are a struggle. I have to force myself to leave the house, even if it is to go out into the front yard and water the garden.

I must admit that I'm getting better with those day-to-day things ... slowly. Heck, I even did a couple of loads of laundry over the past couple of days. I might even consider cleaning the kitchen and doing some ironing later tonight. Now that is challenging myself! No wonder my husband gets frustrated with me.

Speaking of my husband, he will be home from work in a few minutes. Time for my mask to raise again. I'm fine. Tomorrow is another day. :S

Med Changes ... OMG

Tip No. 1 for newbie psychiatric patients ... never, EVER suggest to your psychiatrist that you think your medications are making you worse! The mongrel may actually feel like testing your little theory and slowly start weening you off them.

Okay, so I see a psychiatrist (pdoc) on a weekly basis .... eek! I was feeling just a tad frustrated with the whole mental health thing a couple of weeks ago and mentioned to my pdoc that I thought that all the medication I was taking was making me worse (e.g. too out of touch with my emotions and way to much weight gain etc). In my defence, I had only been out of hospital for a couple of weeks after a bunch of med changes. In my stupidity (and perhaps retrospectively), the new meds actually had me feeling the most 'normal' I had felt in ages! What's with that?!

Anyway, in his infinite wisdom, my pdoc actually took into consideration what I had suggested and decided to start lowering some of the doses of my medication. The first week, I came off of 1500mg per day of Epilim with no problems. In fact, I didn't feel any changes at all. The second week, I dropped 10mg of Lexapro (now on just the base dose of 20mg) and 100mg of Seroquel (now only on 300mg). It's been 3 days since I dropped the Lexapro and Seroquel doses and I'm starting to feel like I could climb up the walls and zoom around the ceiling. Unfortunately at the same time (if that is at all possible) my general mood has really lowered and those wonderful urges to SH are back with a vengeance. Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

So what is the moral to the story? Unless the meds that you are taking are giving you the funky bad side effects that some psychiatric medications are known for, and thus are really making you feel worse, DON'T, under ANY circumstances, tell your pdoc that they are! S/he has you on that level of medication for a reason! You just could find yourself on the rollercoaster of med changes before you are actually well enough to start coming off them.

100 Childhood Memories: Part Two

This is a continuation of my 100 Childhood Memories: Part One post. Once again, I am writing this list in January 2006 despite the date on top of the post.

1. When I was very young my family had a pet cat. The cat vomited on the lounge room floor. The stain remained on the carpet for quite some time. I was apparently allergic to the cat.
   
2. Prince, the family dog, would chase blue tongue lizards.
   
3. When my mother and father were still married, the family used to go on an annual summer vacation to Cotton Tree on the Sunshine Coast. We stayed in our caravan. From a certain age my brother would sleep on a stretcher in our caravan's annex.
4. At Cotton Tree there was an old pinball parlour that we used to go to.
   
5. During one of the annual holidays I remember my mother saying that she saw the silhouette of two naked people in a tent.
6. My mother was a really basic cook. Our dinners almost always consisted of three different types of vegetables and meat. The vegetables were usually the frozen variety. I hated them and would try to eat them all combined with the meat.
7. When my mother and father were still together, Dad would go on shooting trips with his mates and/or one of his brothers. After the marriage fell apart, Dad would take my brother and I on some of the trips as well.
8. The site of these shooting trips was a property just south of the Queensland/New South Wales border. Dad and his mates had built a small iron cabin where they used to camp. Generally, my uncle's family stayed in the cabin while Dad and I, and sometimes Wayne, stayed in tents nearby. One night it rained and a huntsman spider kept coming into the tent. I was terrified of it and kept asking Dad to throw it outside.
9. During one of the shooting trips when I camped in the tent I woke up in the middle of the night dying to go to the toilet. If I remember correctly, I could hear a wild dog howling. I was scared to go out in the dark so I held on that night!
10. Also during one of these trips I watched my aunt make peanut biscuits in the cabin's old wood fired oven.
11. Occasionally Dad would allow me to use his little pellet air gun during these trips. I would shoot at the dragonflies that perched on a nearby barbed wire fence.
12. On one of these shooting trips (shit, I seem to remember these trips quite well, don't I) the men shot a wallaroo. I remember thinking how beautiful and dark the wallaroo was.
13. My brother or father would call the big bulls on the property "Ferdinand". Every time we drove past one, he would say, "There's Ferdinand".
14. I remember sitting in Dad's 4WD as we drove past the property owner's beautiful old house on the way to our campsite.
15. On one of the latter shooting trips, Shirley, my father's then girlfriend (now wife) accompanied us. I took a photo of her dressed in her "shooting trip finery" coming back from the camp toilet as a joke.
16. I also took another photo of my brother and one of our cousins felling saplings on a small hill close to our campsite.
    
17. Here's my final memory regarding these shooting trips. While out on one of the hunts, one of the men shot a kangaroo. Dad would not let me go near the carcass. I subsequently learnt that the reason Dad did not let me near the site was that the dead kangaroo had a joey in her pouch and that the men had killed the joey.
18. I felt proud of my good marks I received when I was in primary school.
    
19. When I was a junior student, there was a senior student at my high school who already had facial hair. One day he was kicked in the balls when mucking around with a friend. I remember him rolling around on the ground in agony.
20. My mother made an appointment for me to see the school's guidance counsellor regarding subject selection when I was entering grade nine. He indicated that shorthand would be a good subject for me to take because I could use it to take lecture notes later on when I went to uni.
21. When it was decided that I would leave school at the end of grade ten, my mother told me that there was no need to continue school because I would get married and therefore didn't need a high education. I wanted to leave at the end of grade ten because I didn't have many friends who were continuing on with their studies.
22. When I enrolled in Kelly Commercial College at the end of grade ten, I could not apply for TEAS (now Austudy) because my mother had given false information to the tax department in her tax return and she didn't want to be found out.
23. Whilst at Kelly Commercial College, I used one of Apple's original computers. I remember the computer's start up screen being a little smiling computer graphic. I thought it was cute.
    
24. During one of my classes at Kelly Commercial College, the teacher was discussing personal grooming with us. I remember the teacher singling out one of the students who had lovely finger nails.
    
25. On a camping trip to Bargara with my father and his friend Cliff's family, I remember sitting in the tent telling Dad about my perfect man.
26. I tried to have a similar discussion with my mother after talking to Dad about it. I think she told me that I was being too picky.
    
27. On a trip to Bribie Island with my mother and one of her friend's family, my tog's crotch area became filled with sand. I was very embarrassed and would not go into the nearby bush to get the sand out. I wanted my mother to take me to the nearest public toilets which would have meant driving there. My mother refused to take me. I was primary school age at the time
    
28. On another trip with my mother and this friend's family, we swam in a tea coloured lake (over on Moreton Island I think). It was quite a secluded spot. My mother and her friend were sunbaking topless. The friend's daughter and I decided to go topless as well. Despite being a pre-teen, I felt embarrassed to go topless. God, I was such a prude as a kid. I guess I still am.
    
29. After she had split with my father, my mother would hold card nights with her friends at the house. I remember one night venturing into the inner sanctum and my mother allowing me to have a small glass of Bacardi and Coke.
30. Whilst still in early primary school a small tornado made its way through Redcliffe. I remember going to someone's birthday party. The family's carport had been flattened by the little tornado.
31. My mother threw me a birthday party at my house when I was young. I had a bunch of friends come over and we played party games in the back yard.
32. Just after my mother left Dad and she, my brother and I were living in my uncle's house, I used too much toilet paper and clogged up the toilet. I remember getting in trouble from my mother for it.
33. In the lower section of my uncle's house, there was a locked door. The door led to a bedroom which led to the back yard of the house where my uncle and aunt lived. I remember the locked door being a bit of a mystery.
34. Across the road from my childhood home there was a corner store. My mother would allow my brother and I to buy a snack every afternoon after coming home from school. Sometimes I would also buy cigarettes and matches for my mother.
35. As a kid I would "shoot hoops" by using the clothes line in the back yard.
36. I also played tennis by hitting the tennis ball on the wall that separated our driveway and the neighbouring butcher's shop.
37. I remember my mother driving me home from primary school one day. A bolt of lightning hit the side of the road quite close to the car. We both shit ourselves.
38. My mother was in a single car accident when rushing around to her brother's house after hearing that my grandmother had taken ill. She lost control of the car when taking a bend and ploughed into a bus stop. She was alone at the time.
39. Just after she and Dad split, my mother used to take me down to the beach at Scott's Point. She must have spent hours out in the sun because I remember her being incredibly tanned at the time.
40. At some stage during primary school, my mother used to pick me up at the end of the school day. She would park on the street at the back of the school. I remember one of my fellow classmates going through a stage where he would say, "Hey Kym!" all the time. When I responded he would say, "Nothing!" This particular afternoon he caught me out with this game when I was walking out of the school yard to meet up with my mother. It was a fun game and I enjoyed the attention from a boy.
41. During one of our holidays spent only with Dad, my Dad drove my brother and me up to Cairns. I remember Dad wanting to leave early one morning. I sat in the back of the car watching the glow that the car's tail lights were making on the side of the road. My brother told me that when you could see the glow, it meant that a spirit of an Aboriginal person who had been buried under one of the trees on the side of the road was following the car.
42. During one of our Sunday day trips with Dad, Dad tested how fast his new Sigma could go. At the time we were just below the Queensland border in New South Wales. The road was signed with an unlimited speed limit so Dad took the car up to 140km/hr. I made the mistake of telling my mother about it after Dad dropped my brother and I home. She became enraged.
43. I used to go bike riding with my brother occasionally. He used to play the Space Invaders machine at a seaside fish and chip shop. One day while playing the game, my brother placed a cardboard box which he kept on the back of his bike on the machine because the sun was shining on the screen. When we went to leave, a couple of kids took over playing the game. I had to take the box off the game's screen because Wayne wanted to take it with him. The kids started yelling at me. My brother rode away with me hastily following up the rear.
44. I remember having a school girl crush on one of my brother's teenaged friends.
45. My brother had a stormy relationship with my mother after he left the family home to go out on his own. I remember my mother accusing my brother of making prank phone calls to the house when a caller would ring but hang up as soon as the phone was answered.
46. I remember my mother thinking that someone else (Ernie's ex wife or a friend my mother had a falling out with ... I'm not sure) used to do the same thing.
47. On the day that I first moved out of home at around eighteen years of age, my mother was going off at me.
48. Before my maternal grandmother passed away, we used to spend Christmases with my mother's extended family. After Nan passed away, my mother no longer wanted to celebrate Christmas so we spent it quietly at home. When she was still with my father, well before Nan passed away, I have the impression that my mother didn't like spending Christmases with Dad's extended family.
    
49. I used to like going roller skating as a kid. I went with a friend of mine, Jenny. Jenny was a few years older than me. She had a slight intellectual disability.
50. One summer as a young teen, I toyed with the idea of joining a junior ten pen bowling league. The day of the league sign ups, I chose to go with my brother, his mate and Jenny (who was my brother's mate's sister) for a drive up to Bribie Island. My brother already had his driver's license. While I wanted to join the ten pin bowling league, it was easier to go on the trip than to attend the league sign up because I only vaguely knew some of the other kids who were signing up and I didn't want to feel left out.
    

Wow! What a random set of memories these two "100 Childhood Memories" posts turned out to be. Unlike I first suspected, compiling this list has not been therapeutic at all. The only thing I really discovered, and I kind of knew this already, is that I do not like referring to my mother as Mum. Oh well! At least when put to the test, I was able to recall a hell of a lot of memories. That's got to be a good thing.

100 Childhood Memories: Part One

This post is actually being written in January 2006. I'm hiding it back here in the archives so that it remains somewhat under the radar and out of the way of my current posts. My rationale for writing the list can be found here.

So, without further ado, here is my "100 childhood memories" list:

1. Probably one of my earliest memories is of going to school. I must have been in grade one. My mother used to walk me up to the school gate as I think I was nervous about going in by myself. I must have been bawling my eyes out or something. I'm not sure.
   
2. Another early school memory is of an exchange I had with another student. I think I was in grade one. The other student was an Aboriginal boy and for some reason I thought he was "dirty". I guess racism starts early. Thank god I've grown a brain since then.
3. Grade 2 (1977): My teacher was Mrs Stafford. I remember getting in trouble from her for some reason. I think I was next to her desk with a slate. She smacked me.
4. Grade 3 (1978): I made a macrame plant holder.
5. In either grade 3 or 4, my teacher (Miss Ewart?) read the novel, "Against The Wind" to the class. I must have liked it because I eventually bought the novel.
6. A childhood recurring dream that I think I had several times involved an intruder coming into the house. The intruder chopped off each family member's leg up to the knee. I don't know if I was included in that though. It could have just been my father, mother and brother. The family members would lie on the floor with their legs missing.
   
7. My mother and father separated when I was in grade 4 I think (1979). I remember my mother moving my brother and me, and herself too of course, into a house owned by my Uncle Dick (her brother). While living at the house, my father came to visit. I remember looking out the lounge room window on the second storey and seeing my father on the front verandah.
8. One night while living in Uncle Dick's house, my mother wanted me to go downstairs to collect the dog's bowl. My mother was standing with me at the top of the house's back stairs. She was getting incredibly frustrated with me because I didn't go and get the bowl. I didn't tell her the real reason for not going down stairs, that of being scared of the dark. Instead I told her that I could not see the bowl.
9. Also while still living in Uncle Dick's house, I lost my Snoopy broach on the way to school one morning. I'm pretty sure that I found it lying on the footpath on my way home from school that afternoon.
10. My Uncle Dick and his wife lived in a house which was directly in front of the house where my mother took my brother and me to live after leaving my father. This house had a pool which my brother and I swam in occasionally. The family Christmas Day get together was often held at this house as well. One day whilst at the house swimming in the pool, I tried to eat a dried apricot. I thought it tasted disgusting and brought it back up in the bathroom sink. I remember desperately trying to hide the evidence, but I think I eventually just left it in the sink. Yuck!
    
11. When my mother, brother and I returned to the family home after Dad had moved out, I remember it being dark and musty.
12. My brother and I used to visit Dad on Sundays. Dad was living with his father and mother until she passed away. We would sometimes go to the house, but more often than not I think Dad used to take us ten pin bowling and then we would go on a drive in the afternoon.
13. During one of those drives, I remember trying to sit in the front seat of the car on the way home. My brother pulled me from the front seat. I had to sit in the back, which was my usual position anyway. I felt angry at my brother for physically pulling me from the front of the car.
14. I never learnt to tie my shoe laces until rather late in my childhood. During one of my mid primary school years I remember having to take my shoes off for a particular class. I was one of the very few (I think there may have been one other student) that couldn't put my own shoes back on. I remember it being a bit of a drama.
15. During primary school I liked buying packets of "Ollos" from the tuckshop. Ollos were cheesy round chips. I used to share a few of these chips with a friend of mine (Amanda). She would put a chip on each of her fingers.
16. I tried out for my primary school choir one year. I got in. One day the music teacher was trying to teach the choir a new song. The song contained a section of whistling. A section of the choir, including me, couldn't whistle well enough, so we hummed the section instead.
    
17. I was definitely not a sporty kid whilst attending primary school. During the school's sports carnival when I was in year 7, the last year of primary school, I was in the ball sports team. The ball sports teams were basically made up of students who where really bad at athletics. I remember a teacher suggesting that perhaps I would like to join one of the running teams in lieu of the ball sports team. Under no circumstance was I prepared to do so. Since I was in grade 7, I wanted to be the captain of the ball sports team.
    
18. One day I was playing with my brother at the front of my childhood home. I think we had our little play tent erected in the front yard. My brother and I were eating grass. My mother must have been listening to us from inside the house. When we went inside my mother asked us if we had been eating grass. I think we told her that we hadn't. She got very angry and yelled at us.
19. After washing our childhood dog, a welsh corgi named Prince, we would play with him out the front of our house. His chest looked so white and clean as he raced down the footpath.
20. My childhood home was next to a butcher's shop. Prince would wait at the front gates for the meat delivery truck. The people who drove the truck would give Prince a bone.
21. When Prince got older he developed some sort of skin disease that caused him to lose fur on a section of his back.
22. Prince disappeared under mysterious circumstances. My mother thought that he had been taken for "bait" by someone who had racing greyhounds.
23. I remember sitting on the back stairs with Prince one day, listening to my mother belt the shit out of my brother. She used to use a cane on him. She very rarely hit me however, maybe only once or twice.
24. I remember wetting the bed one night. I was actually quite old to be wetting the bed. I'm not sure of my exact age at the time, but I was in primary school. I was getting up constantly that night to go to the toilet. At the end I got sick of getting up, so I just peed then and there. Yuck! My mother was angry at me for wetting the bed.
25. My Nan (maternal grandmother) lived in quite a large two bedroom, two storey house. The house had the longest toilet I've ever seen.
26. My Nan's house also had a large back verandah. One night I watched the flying foxes in a tree from the verandah.
27. My Nan took in a gentleman border who lived in the granny flat underneath her house. He killed himself by shooting himself in the face. I remember my mother telling me how she had found him.
28. My Nan bought a plush bear which she thought was a dog. My mother laughed at her and told her that it wasn't a bear but actually a dog. I still have that plush bear to this day. It's one of the very few things that I have of my grandmother's.
29. My Nan passed away after a stroke in early 1983 (I think). My mother would not let me go to the funeral. My mother was very upset that the family chose to cremate my Nan and scatter her ashes in a crematorium's rose garden. I did not visit where my Nan's ashes were scattered until well into adulthood.
30. My mother told me that when my Nan passed away her eyes suddenly opened. My mother took this as my Nan's soul leaving her body. My mother looked at it as an unpleasant and non-peaceful death.
    
31. I had very few friends at school. Whilst in high school I dreaded my friends being absent from school because I felt so out of place.
    
32. I remember standing at the bike racks at what was probably the first day of high school for me. I had long, white socks on and felt nervous and daggy.
33. I was bullied by a few of the "in girls" during high school. At the start of grade 9 I remember attending my first home economics class, where a student drew on my uniform shirt with a pen. I quickly changed from the home economics class into a history class.
    
34. Shortly after I left school and was working as a junior administration assistant I saw one of the girls that used to bully me. She was working as a check out chick at KMart. In the immortal words of Nelson from "The Simpsons", "HA HA!"
    
35. My mother told me that my father had held a gun to her. I can't remember when she told me this however.
36. I was so sad one night that I went into the bathroom and cut my hands many times with one of my mother's old style razors. The wounds were very superficial though.
37. Another time, I went into the bathroom and hit my hand continually on the window. I wanted it to hurt and bruise, which it did.
38. I remember scavenging around my mother's bedroom one day and finding a Cleo magazine. At that stage, Cleo's had a male centrefold, which I looked at.
39. After my mother and father split, my mother attended a social group called "Parents Without Partners". She used to take me along to the family days.
40. She met her de facto husband, Ernie, at Parents Without Partners. He moved into our childhood home to be with my mother.
41. When Ernie first moved in with us, he owned a old green Chevy, complete with fins. It was a gorgeous car.
42. One morning whilst in high school, I rushed off to the bathroom to shave my legs because I thought they were looking a bit yuck. My mother laughed at me for doing so.
43. Ernie's two children, Chris and Sarah used to come to our place for the odd custody visit. During one of these visits one of them broke my "Slinky", which I wasn't too happy about.
44. I don't think my mother used to like Ernie's children, or for that matter Ernie's ex wife. The children certainly didn't visit all that much. I think my mother's low opinion of Ernie's family influenced my own opinion of them.
    
45. My mother used to make me give a father's day card and present to Ernie. I resented it but did it anyway.
46. One night when my mother, Ernie and I were still living in my childhood home, someone lobbed a brick through the neighbouring butcher shop's window. That night was seen as a bit of a drama in the household. I remember saying something to both my mother and Ernie that night, but my mother basically told me to shut up and that it wasn't my concern. That was the only time that Ernie ever stood up for me. He told my mother that she was being unfair and that I was a part of it too.
47. I broke a glass in the sink once. A shard of glass cut quite deeply into my thumb. I felt all cold and clammy after it happened. My mother took me to the doctor to see if the wound needed stitching but it didn't.
    
48. One night when my mother had driven me over to Ernie's ex wife's house I had quite a large asthma attack. I wouldn't settle, so my mother rushed me home and filled me full of Ventolin. It took ages for me to recover my breathing.
    
49. My mother used to whinge about her friends. I remember her having a friend called Shirley who was my brother's best friend's mother. My mother whinged about Shirley coming around all the time for coffee and burdening her with her problems. I remember my mother having similar whinges about a couple of her other friends.
50. I remember my mother telling me about my brother's best friend. About the time one of the Mad Max movies came out, this friend took to wearing one long sleeve and one short sleeve like the Mad Max character. My mother told me that she thought this friend was weird.
    

Wow, this post is becoming incredibly long. I think I might split it up into a part one and a part two.

~ End of part one ~

Dissociation!! ... WTF?

Dissociation: the splitting off of certain mental processes from the main body of consciousness, with varying degrees of autonomy resulting. (The Macquarie Concise Dictionary, 1982)

Let me just say that I am relatively new to this dissociation thing and still getting used to the fact that I apparently do it. Apparently? Well, apparently everybody dissociates from time to time to some extent. You know that feeling when you are driving along the highway for a while and you suddenly stop and think, "I don't remember passing such and such"? Apparently that is dissociation in one of its simplest forms. Having a dissociative disorder is when the dissociation becomes a greater part of one's life, as a unconscious coping mechanism. For a proper look at what dissociation is from a psychiatric point of view, see "What is Dissociation".

Dissociation for me is:

• Losing time / doing things I don't remember (thankfully I am only aware of this happening a couple of times);
• Having no access to my emotions or feelings ... feeling completely numb or void, unable to connect with any feelings regarding certain situations, unable to have normal thought processes;
• Feeling like I am an incomplete person ... like I am one-dimensional;
  
• Feeling like I have been taken over by another entity ... I still exist somewhere within my body, but this entity has forced me so far down within my own body that I don't control it anymore;
• Feeling unconnected with my past, like it was another me that lived it;
• Having a really bad memory;
• Feeling like I'm somehow out of wack with my surroundings ... they are colourless, barren.

Gotta say ... it makes life interesting.

Entering the Realm

This is for you, Joey! You've talked me into this blogging thing, so I found a place of relative obscurity from you-know-who. So here is where I am going to let my mind spill out into words. Kind of scary, hey, especially since it is going to be public and all!

uploading piccies