What a wild ride! This afternoon's drive home from the semi big smoke was certainly eventful. I drove through the biggest storm. There were bits of trees flying everywhere. The sound of hail hitting the car was nothing short of scary (my poor car!). A whole bunch of cars and trucks, including me, had to stop on the side of the highway because the pelting rain reduced visibility to almost nothing. Summer storms, hey! They can certainly pack a punch!
After the rain had eased and I was on the road again, I thought to myself how wonderful the pelting rain had been. It's not often that my poor car gets any type of wash. I was thinking to myself that the car would now be sparkling clean due to all the water that had just rushed over it.
Alas, it wasn't to be. A short distance up the road I became stuck behind the bane of my driving existence. Not one, but two cattle road trains blocked my path. By the time I managed to pass the both of them, my poor car was covered in cattle pee and poop. Disgusting! And, oh my gawd, the stench was hideous!
Ack! The joys of living in and driving around central Queensland. I must be nuts!
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Wednesday's Head Shrink
As appointments with my pdoc go, this afternoon's one was quite tame. The main topic of conversation was what had been recently occurring at my workplace. No surprises there I guess, considering how much I have written about it during the past week.
Towards the end of the appointment, my pdoc said something that perhaps I've needed to hear since all of these troubles with work began. He indicated that what has been happening sounded like workplace bullying which had developed from the initial incident.
In a way, I feel vindicated. Someone outside of the issue has read it in the same way as I have. It is okay that I feel anger about what has transpired. I'm not overreacting. I feel a tad relieved about this. It has been such a huge issue over this past week.
Towards the end of the appointment, my pdoc said something that perhaps I've needed to hear since all of these troubles with work began. He indicated that what has been happening sounded like workplace bullying which had developed from the initial incident.
In a way, I feel vindicated. Someone outside of the issue has read it in the same way as I have. It is okay that I feel anger about what has transpired. I'm not overreacting. I feel a tad relieved about this. It has been such a huge issue over this past week.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Grrrroooowwwwl
Huge, mega growls!(Hehe ... not one of my most flattering photos)
More incredibly frustrating shenanigans occurred at work today. Thankfully they weren't directed at me this time. Unfortunately though, they were directed at my coworker.
Every time something ridiculous occurs I become even more annoyed and disillusioned with my workplace. Grrr, grrr, grrr and grrr! My poor line manager had to listen to me swear my head off in her office this afternoon. Bring on the summer holidays. Please!
For better or worse, I have decided to let things slide as much as I can. The nasty truth is that if I decide to take anything further, I risk any remaining possibility (however slim now) of gaining a bit of work there next year. Ahhh, self preservation! I am such a wimp!
There is a "funny" side to all this however. After my explosion in my line manager's office, I apologised for making a scene. My coworker turned to me and said, "Don't worry. You are allowed to have emotions". I had to have a silent giggle to myself. Isn't this whole depression, dissociation, loss of self thing related to me not allowing myself to experience emotions properly? What an insightful response to my apology!
Monday, November 28, 2005
What a Shock!
I can't believe it! Am I dreaming? Do I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm awake? I actually had a good day at work today! Woohoo!I woke up this morning completely dreading the thought of having to go to work today. With all that has been going on at work of late, and due to the fact that it is the second last week of school and teachers are notoriously famous for not planning anything other than watching DVD's after all the assessment has been finalised, I thought today would be the start of a horribly boring and tedious week. How mistaken was I though! The teachers of all my classes today had thoughtful, productive and interesting lessons planned for their students. I was greatly surprised and incredibly thankful. For the remainder of the week, I am definitely crossing my fingers that the teachers continue to use their imaginations as well as they did today. I can only hope, hey.
Even better still, now that I am home from work for the day, my relatively good mood seems to be sticking around. How great is that! It's wonderfully refreshing to experience what can be described as a good day. It certainly breaks the gloomy monotony.
Photo credit: stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site
Sunday, November 27, 2005
I Got a Couple!
A nice, little summer storm blew through town this afternoon. For the first time ever, I decided to break out the camera to see if I could snap a couple of photographs of lightning. I can't believe I actually got a couple of half-decent shots! *pats self on back*
There's no stopping me now! Every time a storm threatens I'm going to sit myself on the front verandah of my house and snap away. Who knows! There may just be a spectacular lightning strike with my name on it.
There's no stopping me now! Every time a storm threatens I'm going to sit myself on the front verandah of my house and snap away. Who knows! There may just be a spectacular lightning strike with my name on it.
Only On Days That End In "Y"
I'm feeling depressed. Oh, it's a day that ends in "y". That must be the reason. *sigh*
When is this going to end? It's becoming so damn monotonous. I'm tired of feeling that inner ache of sadness. Enough is enough already! At the very least, please bring back that consistent numbness. At least that is bearable.
I went out last night. Two of my coworkers and I got together around at one of their houses and drank the night away. We laughed, chatted and sang drunken songs. It should have been fun, and considering I laughed until my tummy hurt several times, I'm sure that it was. It doesn't feel like it was now though. What I remember feeling is that insipid sense of sadness within me. It just never bloody well goes away.
When is this going to end? It's becoming so damn monotonous. I'm tired of feeling that inner ache of sadness. Enough is enough already! At the very least, please bring back that consistent numbness. At least that is bearable.
I went out last night. Two of my coworkers and I got together around at one of their houses and drank the night away. We laughed, chatted and sang drunken songs. It should have been fun, and considering I laughed until my tummy hurt several times, I'm sure that it was. It doesn't feel like it was now though. What I remember feeling is that insipid sense of sadness within me. It just never bloody well goes away.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Why Personal Blogs Rule!
While surfing through blogs today, I stumbled upon the following informative entry at The Psychology of Combating Stress, Depression & Addiction blog.
What a great incentive to keep writing about our life experiences and how we react to them. I am certainly not surprised to read something along the lines of the above. For me, writing down what I have experienced has been my outlet.
When I first felt like I was losing touch with myself, my feelings and my emotions, I put pen to paper virtually straight away (although maybe it would be more correct to say that I put fingers to keyboard). I have been journaling in some form or another for well over a year now. Sometimes I worry that I write far too frankly or far too darkly, especially for such a forum as an online personal blog, however without writing I doubt I would be where I am today. Perhaps I wouldn't have reclaimed the parts of myself that I have. I certainly wouldn't have been able to express what I am feeling. Things are still tough, especially at the moment, but thankfully, because of personal journaling, I have at least made some headway.
So, here's to blogging, and in particular personal blogging!
The personal reflection and exploration of journaling can be extremely beneficial for your health, according to researchers from the University of Texas.
"Research suggests that when people write about emotional upheavals in their lives, improvements in physical and psychological health can result," said James W. Pennebaker, chair of the department of Psychology.
By enabling clearer thinking, expressive writing helps individuals get past trauma. It also helps them improve their social relationships as they get better at talking, laughing and being more at ease with others, Pennebaker said.
Through writing, people are able to observe their patterns of behavior and how they handle various situations, said George Holmes, a psychologist at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine.
"If you have to write something, you have to sit down, reflect on the events, put them in some kind of order," he said. "And as you're doing that, there's a certain level of mastery of the situation or anxiety that occurs."
What a great incentive to keep writing about our life experiences and how we react to them. I am certainly not surprised to read something along the lines of the above. For me, writing down what I have experienced has been my outlet.
When I first felt like I was losing touch with myself, my feelings and my emotions, I put pen to paper virtually straight away (although maybe it would be more correct to say that I put fingers to keyboard). I have been journaling in some form or another for well over a year now. Sometimes I worry that I write far too frankly or far too darkly, especially for such a forum as an online personal blog, however without writing I doubt I would be where I am today. Perhaps I wouldn't have reclaimed the parts of myself that I have. I certainly wouldn't have been able to express what I am feeling. Things are still tough, especially at the moment, but thankfully, because of personal journaling, I have at least made some headway.
So, here's to blogging, and in particular personal blogging!
Yikes! Where's My Sense of Humour Gone?
Don't ya love it when somebody, who shall not remain nameless, writes a cute, little ditty which features both you and a good mate.
Bad Mothy! Bad Mothy! *Looks around for a HUGE moth swatter*
Here's the little ditty in question ...
In explanation, my mate's name is Jo/Joey/Jogirl and I am "K". Oh, and to paraphrase some long dead British monarch, "We are not amused!"
Grrr at the Moth! You definitely owe me that over-priced pizza now.
Bad Mothy! Bad Mothy! *Looks around for a HUGE moth swatter*
Here's the little ditty in question ...
Nice Jo, nasty Jo, who is she today?
Funny Jo, sombre Jo ... likes guys, geeky and gay
Happy Jo, sad Jo ... never too tired to play
Oh Jo, woe is Jo ... why can't things go your way?
Joey, K is going crazy and blogs it every night
Joey, K has a bark that's much worse than her bite
Sometimes the nice Jogirl is placid and much milder
Other times as the addy says simply the girlgoeswilder.
In explanation, my mate's name is Jo/Joey/Jogirl and I am "K". Oh, and to paraphrase some long dead British monarch, "We are not amused!"
Grrr at the Moth! You definitely owe me that over-priced pizza now.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
More On Work
Today I have been focusing once again on the issues I have been having with work. I've been continuing the research I have been doing about my ITAS funded role. I have managed to find the funding documents relevant to my position on my workplace's website. According to these documents I should be being paid a level higher than I actually am. What an interesting piece of information to have stumbled upon!
I have also been made aware that the position description the DP referred to during Tuesday's meeting is more than likely the one that I was originally furnished with as a part of my application package. A certain person in my workplace has informed me that this particular position description is the incorrect one and was only mistakenly sent out with the application package. That is another interesting piece of information for me to have on hand. Apparently the DP chewed me out while referring to the incorrect document.
Finally, today during one of my classes where I had to sit there like a lump because none of my students were present and the class was only watching a movie, I had the opportunity to make detailed notes on what happened during Tuesday's meeting with the DP. Apparently it is my right to type these out officially and keep a copy of them in my personnel file at my workplace. Excellent! I will be typing out my notes tomorrow during my break and dropping them into my file.
As for how I have been managing today, it has certainly been a mixed bag. At times I have been feeling exactly the same as I was yesterday afternoon and evening. I have been wondering what the point is and feeling utterly useless and downright depressed. When I was not depressed, the rage about what has happened overtook me again. I have been swinging from one extreme to the other. I am struggling with my inability to cope with something that shouldn't be affecting me so greatly. It's frustrating.
I have also been made aware that the position description the DP referred to during Tuesday's meeting is more than likely the one that I was originally furnished with as a part of my application package. A certain person in my workplace has informed me that this particular position description is the incorrect one and was only mistakenly sent out with the application package. That is another interesting piece of information for me to have on hand. Apparently the DP chewed me out while referring to the incorrect document.
Finally, today during one of my classes where I had to sit there like a lump because none of my students were present and the class was only watching a movie, I had the opportunity to make detailed notes on what happened during Tuesday's meeting with the DP. Apparently it is my right to type these out officially and keep a copy of them in my personnel file at my workplace. Excellent! I will be typing out my notes tomorrow during my break and dropping them into my file.
As for how I have been managing today, it has certainly been a mixed bag. At times I have been feeling exactly the same as I was yesterday afternoon and evening. I have been wondering what the point is and feeling utterly useless and downright depressed. When I was not depressed, the rage about what has happened overtook me again. I have been swinging from one extreme to the other. I am struggling with my inability to cope with something that shouldn't be affecting me so greatly. It's frustrating.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
What Is It About Wednesdays?
I experienced another "numbing out" episode this afternoon. (Oh great, I just lit up two cigarettes in quick succession of each other. Now I have two lit, full cigarettes sitting in the ashtray beside me. 
) I sort of disappeared into myself. My surroundings sort of faded out. I felt completely and utterly numb. I felt like my movements were impeded by some sort of murky soup. I ended up burning. When the worst of the deadness subsided, my thoughts were exceedingly dark. These thoughts are still with me now. I swear if I had access to a firearm, I would be dead ten times over. It would be so easy and quick. That's what I want.
I'm scared that I won't be able to make it through the remaining two weeks and two days that I have to work at the school. I know that it doesn't sound like a long time but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope. Each week is just getting harder and this thing that happened on Tuesday has prodded me even further down into the abyss. The anger is gone and I am left with nothing but a sense of foreboding.
Even though Hubby is sleeping in the other room, I don't feel 100% safe. I'm beginning to feel like some sort of stereotypical psychiatrist's patient who falls apart if I miss one week of therapy. It ludicrous! I'm beginning to feel like a complete failure, that I am not meant to live in this world. How much longer do I have to endure? May I restate the question I asked my pdoc during our last appointment? I know that you can't tell me, but please! I can't take this roller coaster ride any longer.
) I sort of disappeared into myself. My surroundings sort of faded out. I felt completely and utterly numb. I felt like my movements were impeded by some sort of murky soup. I ended up burning. When the worst of the deadness subsided, my thoughts were exceedingly dark. These thoughts are still with me now. I swear if I had access to a firearm, I would be dead ten times over. It would be so easy and quick. That's what I want.I'm scared that I won't be able to make it through the remaining two weeks and two days that I have to work at the school. I know that it doesn't sound like a long time but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope. Each week is just getting harder and this thing that happened on Tuesday has prodded me even further down into the abyss. The anger is gone and I am left with nothing but a sense of foreboding.
Even though Hubby is sleeping in the other room, I don't feel 100% safe. I'm beginning to feel like some sort of stereotypical psychiatrist's patient who falls apart if I miss one week of therapy. It ludicrous! I'm beginning to feel like a complete failure, that I am not meant to live in this world. How much longer do I have to endure? May I restate the question I asked my pdoc during our last appointment? I know that you can't tell me, but please! I can't take this roller coaster ride any longer.
Changing Pace
I'm still feeling angry, disappointed, disillusioned and frustrated. I'm now also finding that I desperately want to SH so that I could have a go at turning off all these friggin' thoughts running around in my head today. Grrr!
It's definitely time for a change of pace then. I saw this over on miz e's blog and thought it looked like fun ... you know, something to try to take my minds off things. (Haha! Minds! Is that a Freudian slip?) I just had to steal it. I hope you don't mind, miz e.
Name: Disso, although in real life it's Kym
Age: 35
Hair colour: dark brown
Eye colour: dark brown
Height: 172cm, or so it says on my driver's licence
Favourite colour: black
Favourite food: umm, so much to choose from ... probably pasta
Rap or rock: rock
Punk or pop: definitely punk ... most popular songs played on mainstream radio stations just make me want to puke
Emo or ska: *reaches for a dictionary*
Drink? occasionally
Smoke? heavily ... eek!
Drugs? only the prescription kind *looks around for some gungja*
Favourite band/singer: Pink Floyd!
Favourite song: mmm, at the moment "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park (and I'm about to break ... grr!)
Brothers? yep, two ... one older although I haven't seen/heard from him in freakin' years, and one a lot younger than I am
Sisters? nope
Date of birth: 18 October 1970
Favourite holiday: I'm not big on holidays
Music or TV? either, depending on my mood
Billie Joe or Billie Joel? Who the hell is Billie Joe? I'm going to have to go with Billie Joel here.
HIM or Bam? Umm ... errr * feels completely out of step with popular culture *
New York or Los Angeles? mmm ... never been to the USA
Winter or summer? Oh, definitely winter! Summers are just way too hot here.
Spring or fall? Autumn ... means there is another season before I start sweating like a pig again.
Single? nope ... married
In love? umm ... I don't believe in being "in love", although that doesn't mean that I don't feel love for someone ... when I can actually feel things, that is
Led Zeppelin or The Doors? either or ... both are pretty cool
AC/DC or The Rolling Stones? definitely AC/DC. After all, I am an Aussie
Green Day or Good Charlotte? Green Day is cool. I haven't heard any Good Charlotte songs
Pets? Definitely! I love my furry kids and can't live without them ... 2 dogs, 1 cat and 1 peace face
Gifts or money? hey ... either sounds great *begs*
Skates or skateboard? ice skates all the way!
Rain or snow? both are great
AIM or AOL? I use MSN the most
What city do you live in? a dirty little coal mining hell hole
My Chemical Romance - good or bad? errr
Blink 182 - good or bad? ummm
Slipknot - good or bad? *looks around for some clues*
HIM - good or bad? oh crap! I'm sooooooo out of step. Geez!
Green Day - good or bad? finally ... a band name I recognise! Good!
Favourite album? Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon
Favourite album cover? see above
Do you like Nirvana? Hell ya!
Pepsi or Coke? either
Do you believe in God? once upon a time in the distant past ... not now though
Do you go to church? hell no
Do you pray? yikes! What's the point?
Chocolate or vanilla? mmmm ... chocolate *drools*
Favourite ice cream flavour? spearmint
Dress or skirt? skirt ... dresses look like shit on me
Do you use eyeliner? not any more ... kinda glugs up the contact lenses
If so, a lot? (If not, why not?) see above
Shoes or sandals? sandals
Short socks or long? preferably none ... the socks with sandals look just doesn't work
Pink or black? oh, definitely black
Blue or green? both are cool ... as long as we are not talking pastels
Do you have a cell phone? we call 'em mobile phones Down Under and yep, I do have one
Do you use it a lot? nah ... not that much
Do you have more than 5 friends? *counts* close friends that are going be in my life for a long period? nope
Are you hungry now? just a little bit *runs off to boil jug again*
Are you tired? considering I was naughty and only took 1/3 of my Seroquel dose last night and consequently slept like shit, yes I am but I can't seem to drop off to sleep today dammit
Do you have a headache? nope ... although don't tell my husband ... he might want sex and I've just blown my only excuse
Are you drunk? nope ... although intoxication sounds like a wonderful thing at the moment
Are you smoking a cigeratte? my packet just run out bugger it
Are you straight/gay/bi? what do you call people who no longer have sex again?
Wear glasses? not any more ... I can't get a strong enough prescription in glasses to correct my increasingly shitty vision
Contacts? yeah ... they still work thank goodness
Do you have long or short hair? ummm ... kinda shoulder length
What color shoes do you have? only black and tan
What color shirt do you have on? white ... complete with stains
Do you think Colin Farrell is hot? hell yeah
What about Brad Pitt? not so much
Are you happy this is over? hey, I could go on answering mindless questions all damn day
Check out the quiz here.
It's definitely time for a change of pace then. I saw this over on miz e's blog and thought it looked like fun ... you know, something to try to take my minds off things. (Haha! Minds! Is that a Freudian slip?) I just had to steal it. I hope you don't mind, miz e.
Stuff People Should Know About You
(Although I can't imagine why)
(Although I can't imagine why)
Name: Disso, although in real life it's Kym
Age: 35
Hair colour: dark brown
Eye colour: dark brown
Height: 172cm, or so it says on my driver's licence
Favourite colour: black
Favourite food: umm, so much to choose from ... probably pasta
Rap or rock: rock
Punk or pop: definitely punk ... most popular songs played on mainstream radio stations just make me want to puke
Emo or ska: *reaches for a dictionary*
Drink? occasionally
Smoke? heavily ... eek!
Drugs? only the prescription kind *looks around for some gungja*
Favourite band/singer: Pink Floyd!
Favourite song: mmm, at the moment "One Step Closer" by Linkin Park (and I'm about to break ... grr!)
Brothers? yep, two ... one older although I haven't seen/heard from him in freakin' years, and one a lot younger than I am
Sisters? nope
Date of birth: 18 October 1970
Favourite holiday: I'm not big on holidays
Music or TV? either, depending on my mood
Billie Joe or Billie Joel? Who the hell is Billie Joe? I'm going to have to go with Billie Joel here.
HIM or Bam? Umm ... errr * feels completely out of step with popular culture *
New York or Los Angeles? mmm ... never been to the USA
Winter or summer? Oh, definitely winter! Summers are just way too hot here.
Spring or fall? Autumn ... means there is another season before I start sweating like a pig again.
Single? nope ... married
In love? umm ... I don't believe in being "in love", although that doesn't mean that I don't feel love for someone ... when I can actually feel things, that is
Led Zeppelin or The Doors? either or ... both are pretty cool
AC/DC or The Rolling Stones? definitely AC/DC. After all, I am an Aussie
Green Day or Good Charlotte? Green Day is cool. I haven't heard any Good Charlotte songs
Pets? Definitely! I love my furry kids and can't live without them ... 2 dogs, 1 cat and 1 peace face
Gifts or money? hey ... either sounds great *begs*
Skates or skateboard? ice skates all the way!
Rain or snow? both are great
AIM or AOL? I use MSN the most
What city do you live in? a dirty little coal mining hell hole
My Chemical Romance - good or bad? errr
Blink 182 - good or bad? ummm
Slipknot - good or bad? *looks around for some clues*
HIM - good or bad? oh crap! I'm sooooooo out of step. Geez!
Green Day - good or bad? finally ... a band name I recognise! Good!
Favourite album? Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon
Favourite album cover? see above
Do you like Nirvana? Hell ya!
Pepsi or Coke? either
Do you believe in God? once upon a time in the distant past ... not now though
Do you go to church? hell no
Do you pray? yikes! What's the point?
Chocolate or vanilla? mmmm ... chocolate *drools*
Favourite ice cream flavour? spearmint
Dress or skirt? skirt ... dresses look like shit on me
Do you use eyeliner? not any more ... kinda glugs up the contact lenses
If so, a lot? (If not, why not?) see above
Shoes or sandals? sandals
Short socks or long? preferably none ... the socks with sandals look just doesn't work
Pink or black? oh, definitely black
Blue or green? both are cool ... as long as we are not talking pastels
Do you have a cell phone? we call 'em mobile phones Down Under and yep, I do have one
Do you use it a lot? nah ... not that much
Do you have more than 5 friends? *counts* close friends that are going be in my life for a long period? nope
Are you hungry now? just a little bit *runs off to boil jug again*
Are you tired? considering I was naughty and only took 1/3 of my Seroquel dose last night and consequently slept like shit, yes I am but I can't seem to drop off to sleep today dammit
Do you have a headache? nope ... although don't tell my husband ... he might want sex and I've just blown my only excuse
Are you drunk? nope ... although intoxication sounds like a wonderful thing at the moment
Are you smoking a cigeratte? my packet just run out bugger it
Are you straight/gay/bi? what do you call people who no longer have sex again?
Wear glasses? not any more ... I can't get a strong enough prescription in glasses to correct my increasingly shitty vision
Contacts? yeah ... they still work thank goodness
Do you have long or short hair? ummm ... kinda shoulder length
What color shoes do you have? only black and tan
What color shirt do you have on? white ... complete with stains
Do you think Colin Farrell is hot? hell yeah
What about Brad Pitt? not so much
Are you happy this is over? hey, I could go on answering mindless questions all damn day
Check out the quiz here.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Screw Confidentiality!
Beware: Frequent coarse language and an incredibly frank explanation as to why I posted Simple Plan's "Shut Up" lyrics earlier today.
Hey! I'm getting in touch with my damn emotions and bloody, gawd awful feelings. Let's see. What have I experienced today? Oh, that's right. Here's a list:
- Anger
- Disappointment
- Disillusionment
- Despair
- Sadness
- Rage
- Drawn out crying spells
- Laughter (yay, something positive at least)
Fuck, I'm pissed off!
Teachers are a close knit community. If you dare criticise something they have done in their classroom, you are fair game. They will go out of their way to bring you back into line and remind you that you are just scum. Why? Because you do not have an education degree. You are therefore worthless. You therefore are not allowed to take any initiative whatsoever. It's not just teacher aides they do this to. It's all support staff, from cleaners, to general admin staff, to school registrars (who are in management positions themselves but hey, they don't have a fucking piece of paper with a signature on it that says, "Bachelor of Education"), to school nurses, and to school-based student and community welfare personnel.
I've had a gutful!
Here's the deal, or some of it at least. The whole story would take too long to type out in its entirety. Apparently, as teacher aides who are employed to assist indigenous students, my coworker's and my line manager is the CEC. (Gee, thanks for clearing that up for us on our third last week of working there, you fuckwit of a DP). Except get this, and this is exactly what we were told today when we were hauled into the DP's office for being bad, little teacher aides, we are not to discuss any issues we have regarding what is happening in the classroom with our line manager. Apparently that's breaking confidentiality. *Insert scream of frustration here*
What? You are fucking kidding me! My dear DP, maybe you should take out your policies manual and reacquaint yourself with basic staff management and conflict resolution principals. After discussing any issues you have with the particular person in question, you are well within your rights to discuss it with your line manager. It's not a breach in confidentiality. It's called debriefing, you friggin' ignorant cow.
Furthermore, I know that my position is called a "teacher" aide, but what about the students? Where do they fit in with all this? Well, apparently they don't! My dearest DP told me that I am there for the teachers, not the students. Those were her exact words.
According to what she told me today, I am in the wrong. When students have sought me out to help with their assignments, I have blown off the class that I was scheduled to be in to give the student a hand. However, in the vast majority of cases I have asked the teachers for their permission first. I won't be as bold to say that I have done so 100% of the time. I think I have, but sometimes I don't remember stuff too well.
Of course, where I get all pissy is the vast difference between what I was told today and what I was told in my initial interview for the position. During the initial interview, I was told by the school's other DP (who was the co-ordinator for the program, but went on maternity leave as of yesterday) that because the Indigenous teacher aide was a new position, there was a lot of scope and that I could use my initiative to make the position as beneficial to the students as I could. Now she is gone, this is apparently not the case. *Sigh*
* Several hours pass as I go to have a few drinks with a work mate whom I thought was my line manager up until today and whom just happens to be a good friend *
I just arrived home from having a very interesting "off the record" chat with my old boss. It turns out that the document which outlines the funding and expectations of Indigenous teacher aides spells out quite a different picture to what I was told by my dearest DP today. It turns out that we are there for the students after all. (Big shock there!) Best of all, a copy of this funding document is going to mysteriously fall into my lap by the end of the week. Apparently it is a public document anyway. I also now have an interesting bit of information on how coworker's and my confidentiality was breached this week. Ha! Stick that in your eye you stupid DP.
Anyway, where to from here? (I knew I changed the title of this blog for a reason!) Despite all the anger, disappointment and disillusionment I have expressed throughout this blog entry, I'm actually thinking of rocking up to work on Thursday and acting as if nothing has happened. Given my state of mental health at the moment, I hope that I can actually do so. However, I do plan to arm myself with as much information as I might need. The organisation for which I work kindly publishes their policy manual on the Internet so I have everything I need at my fingertips if I do need to stand up for myself on Thursday.
Ahh, what a day hey! Apart from my stint off work earlier this year and last year due to health reasons, I have worked for this place for five years. I have never had any issues regarding my work performance with management before. It's just wonderful to receive such a kick in the guts today and to finally gain an understanding why the morale in the workplace is so friggin' low.
Today's Theme Song Is ...
Simple Plan's
Shut Up
There you go
You're always so right
It's all a big show
It's all about you
You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time
To criticize me
It seems like everyday
I make mistakes
I just can't get it right
It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today
So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down
There you go
You never ask why
It's all a big lie
Whatever you do
You think you're special
But I know, and I know
And I know, and we know
That you're not
You're always there to point
Out my mistakes
And shove them in my face
It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today
So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down
Is gonna bring me down
Will never bring me down
Don't tell me who I should be
And don't try to tell me what's right for me
Don't tell me what I should do
I don't wanna waste my time
I'll watch you fade away
So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down
Shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down
Bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Won't bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Bring me down
{shut up, shut up, shut up}
Won't bring me down
Shut up, shut up, shut up
Okay, well it certainly brought me down, but this is my empowerment theme song for the day. Teachers suck! Management staff who used to be teachers suck!
SCHOOL SUPPORT STAFF RULE!
Shut up, shut up, shut up, you freakin' self-important wankas!
Monday, November 21, 2005
They Better Get A's for This
I've just spent the better half of this afternoon and this evening doing music assignments for a few of my students and dealing with the guilt of not getting their butts into gear more effectively for the assignment "D Day" tomorrow. Thank gawd they all chose the same instrument. It cut down on "their" research time. 
All that I really did though was to pull all their information together and make it look pretty so they can make a poster out of it. It's up to them to get up in front of the class tomorrow and present the information. Hopefully I can con them into seeing me at lunch time to glue their information on a piece of poster cardboard.
While I am on the subject of school, I need to have a bit of a whinge about (the majority) some of the teachers. They seem to be running around as grumpy as hell and it is pissing me off to the max! Take a chill pill people! I know it is the end of the year and it is an extremely busy time for them, what with all their marking and such, but it is getting beyond a joke. Surely it wouldn't kill them to try to fake a smile in greeting or something. Geez.
Mmm, it looks like I have gone from feeling depressed to being really pissy.
All that I really did though was to pull all their information together and make it look pretty so they can make a poster out of it. It's up to them to get up in front of the class tomorrow and present the information. Hopefully I can con them into seeing me at lunch time to glue their information on a piece of poster cardboard.While I am on the subject of school, I need to have a bit of a whinge about (the majority) some of the teachers. They seem to be running around as grumpy as hell and it is pissing me off to the max! Take a chill pill people! I know it is the end of the year and it is an extremely busy time for them, what with all their marking and such, but it is getting beyond a joke. Surely it wouldn't kill them to try to fake a smile in greeting or something. Geez.
Mmm, it looks like I have gone from feeling depressed to being really pissy.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
The Abyss
When will I be able to climb out of this friggin' abyss? It's insane how I have plummeted since last Wednesday. Just when you think you are starting to crawl out of the hole, that perhaps there is a greyish light up in the sky, something happens to make you lose your footing and you fall right down to the bottom again.
I think the problem is that every time you are knocked back down, the hole becomes slightly deeper. It becomes impossible to even sense a top to the abyss. There is no light anywhere. All there is, is a murky darkness that completely envelopes you. Its tendrils grope at you until even despair is lost and there is nothing left but emptiness, a gaping hole where your essence used to be.
So here I am, back at the bottom, too apathetic to even want to stand up and dust myself off from the fall. What does it matter anyway? Nobody else is down here with me. It's so dark that I can't be seen. Who the hell cares if I am covered with dust? Who the hell cares that I am even down here.
Gawd, I can't believe that I have to struggle through another three weeks of work until the end of the school year. I desperately want to give up now. Surely I don't have to see it through until the end. What does it matter?
Mmm, it's better to write in analogies. It doesn't seem so real.
I think the problem is that every time you are knocked back down, the hole becomes slightly deeper. It becomes impossible to even sense a top to the abyss. There is no light anywhere. All there is, is a murky darkness that completely envelopes you. Its tendrils grope at you until even despair is lost and there is nothing left but emptiness, a gaping hole where your essence used to be.
So here I am, back at the bottom, too apathetic to even want to stand up and dust myself off from the fall. What does it matter anyway? Nobody else is down here with me. It's so dark that I can't be seen. Who the hell cares if I am covered with dust? Who the hell cares that I am even down here.
Gawd, I can't believe that I have to struggle through another three weeks of work until the end of the school year. I desperately want to give up now. Surely I don't have to see it through until the end. What does it matter?
Mmm, it's better to write in analogies. It doesn't seem so real.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Time For a Cool Change
As much as I liked my old template, it was driving me batty that the sidebar had slipped down to the bottom when viewed with Internet Explorer. Of course it still looked fine when viewed with both Opera and Firefox, but you get that. *Insert under-the-breath growl at IE here*
As a result of the side bar problem, I spent ages trying to rebuild the old template this morning. Unfortunately I had no luck. Everything still looked skewy. In desperation I searched the Internet for free blogger templates and found Blogger Templates By Caz. She has some lovely linkware blogger templates for use by all.
Although I am usually a fan of the darker templates, this one captures a sort of spiritual, protective ambiance, something that I have lost in my life during this current journey I'm on. Perhaps looking at this template every day will help me regain some of what has been lost.
Also, to celebrate the new look is a new name, "Where To From Here". With all the horrible negative posts I have been writing lately, this is my attempt to be positive. I guess I can only hope.
As a result of the side bar problem, I spent ages trying to rebuild the old template this morning. Unfortunately I had no luck. Everything still looked skewy. In desperation I searched the Internet for free blogger templates and found Blogger Templates By Caz. She has some lovely linkware blogger templates for use by all.
Although I am usually a fan of the darker templates, this one captures a sort of spiritual, protective ambiance, something that I have lost in my life during this current journey I'm on. Perhaps looking at this template every day will help me regain some of what has been lost.
Also, to celebrate the new look is a new name, "Where To From Here". With all the horrible negative posts I have been writing lately, this is my attempt to be positive. I guess I can only hope.
Friday, November 18, 2005
TGIF!
I'm on to my fourth Vodka Mudshake and have another four Cowboys in the fridge. Oh, and there is heaps of beer in the other fridge if needed. It's Friday night. There is no better night to get completely shit faced. Hubby doesn't want to go out to pick up a pizza though, the rotten bugger.What a day! I did go into work like I said I would. It turned out to be perhaps one of my worst plans ever though. I lasted about ten minutes in my first class for the day. For the vast majority of that time I was sitting down with one of my students listening to the special needs teacher blast the crap out of him. Friggin' teachers! Once she had finished with him and he went back into the classroom, I excused myself. There was no way I could stay in that class. I had to escape.
Actually, I pretty much blew off the majority of my classes today. I wasn't coping very well so I hid in the CEC's office. Between the two lunch breaks, however, a student and I hung out in one of the computer rooms to work on a couple of his assignments. He wanted me to spend the latter half of the day with him too, but his teacher for that lesson and I had a chat with him and he said he would go to that lesson. I heard later that he went home for second lunch and didn't come back to school for the rest of the day. The same teacher that chewed him out this morning was going to be assisting him in the class, so I guess I can understand his reluctance to attend. Still, it's a bugger that he chose to wag.
Anyway, screw today. It's been a joke. I'm glad it's almost over. Bring on that alcohol buzz!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Blah Blah
Umm, where do I start tonight?
I chucked a sickie today. I couldn't face going into work at all. Instead, I stayed at home, lay on the bed all morning feeling completely out of it and finally fell asleep shortly after midday.
I woke up to my mobile phone ringing around 4:30pm. It was Craig, the other teacher aide who works with the indigenous students at my school. He was a complete sweetie. He asked how I was going and if he could do anything to help. He then filled me in on what happened at work today.
After hanging up from the call, I went straight out into the front yard to water the garden. It's my therapy. Unfortunately it wasn't particularly good therapy today, as the thoughts quickly invaded my head again. Jo rang, however. Talking with her for a short while did help a little.
As a result of yesterday's experiences and today's ongoing thoughts, I don't feel overly safe. I don't know what to do. Yesterday, my pdoc told me to phone him if I continued to be, well, like I was during yesterday's appointment. Part of me wants to phone him and tell him that everything has gone to hell. Part of me wants to retreat to the relative safety of a nice hospital room. I'm not making solid plans though. It's just a strong desire, knowing that I probably have the means to follow up on this desire at the moment.
What about work though? I can't fuck up with work again, can I? I think I will see how things go tonight. It's time to take my meds and go to bed anyhow. Tomorrow I will go to work regardless and take it from there.
I chucked a sickie today. I couldn't face going into work at all. Instead, I stayed at home, lay on the bed all morning feeling completely out of it and finally fell asleep shortly after midday.
I woke up to my mobile phone ringing around 4:30pm. It was Craig, the other teacher aide who works with the indigenous students at my school. He was a complete sweetie. He asked how I was going and if he could do anything to help. He then filled me in on what happened at work today.
After hanging up from the call, I went straight out into the front yard to water the garden. It's my therapy. Unfortunately it wasn't particularly good therapy today, as the thoughts quickly invaded my head again. Jo rang, however. Talking with her for a short while did help a little.
As a result of yesterday's experiences and today's ongoing thoughts, I don't feel overly safe. I don't know what to do. Yesterday, my pdoc told me to phone him if I continued to be, well, like I was during yesterday's appointment. Part of me wants to phone him and tell him that everything has gone to hell. Part of me wants to retreat to the relative safety of a nice hospital room. I'm not making solid plans though. It's just a strong desire, knowing that I probably have the means to follow up on this desire at the moment.
What about work though? I can't fuck up with work again, can I? I think I will see how things go tonight. It's time to take my meds and go to bed anyhow. Tomorrow I will go to work regardless and take it from there.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Broken
It was a bad, bad day today. I drove into the semi big smoke for my usual pdoc appointment, except today Hubby and a work mate of mine came in with me. The day started with me essentially yelling at my husband to get off the computer. He was busy playing the computer game that he is totally obsessed with and wouldn't leave the game to get ready to go into town.
Once we arrived at the semi big smoke, we went straight to the biggest shopping centre. For the first time in quite a while, I became incredibly anxious. There were just too many people out shopping. I escaped out to the front to have a cigarette. Unfortunately that didn't help. Even the few people milling around the front door were enough to make me feel very uncomfortable.
From the shopping centre, I went to my appointment. As soon as I stepped into the pdoc's office, I felt totally suicidal. For the first part of the appointment all that I wanted to ask the pdoc was how many pills I would have to take to successfully overdose. I eventually did work up the guts to ask him, but then I think I dissociated. It felt like I was somehow retreating into my body. My hands took up all of my vision. My peripheral vision just went away somewhere. I felt like I could barely speak, let along move. It felt bloody awful.
Now that I am home, I feel completely drained. Maybe I am still feeling a bit out of it. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear forever.
Once we arrived at the semi big smoke, we went straight to the biggest shopping centre. For the first time in quite a while, I became incredibly anxious. There were just too many people out shopping. I escaped out to the front to have a cigarette. Unfortunately that didn't help. Even the few people milling around the front door were enough to make me feel very uncomfortable.
From the shopping centre, I went to my appointment. As soon as I stepped into the pdoc's office, I felt totally suicidal. For the first part of the appointment all that I wanted to ask the pdoc was how many pills I would have to take to successfully overdose. I eventually did work up the guts to ask him, but then I think I dissociated. It felt like I was somehow retreating into my body. My hands took up all of my vision. My peripheral vision just went away somewhere. I felt like I could barely speak, let along move. It felt bloody awful.
Now that I am home, I feel completely drained. Maybe I am still feeling a bit out of it. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear forever.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
When the Cat's Away
This is what teacher aides do when the teachers go on strike and only a handful of students turn up for school. They write the silliest songs for their "Secret Santa" victims, who in this case happens to be Teresa, a pregnant teacher. Teresa's partner is another teacher called Mr Kronk. *stifles giggles*Unfortunately I can't claim authorship for this little ditty. My partner in crime penned it during the last class for the day. It's way too good not to share though.
So, without further ado, here is the song in question. If you would like to sing along, it goes to the tune of the Christmas carol, "Ding Dong Merrily On High".
Ding dong merrily on high,To make matters worse, my partner in crime's dare to his "Secret Santa" victim is to sing the song at tomorrow's staff morning tea, in front of all the teachers and school support staff. What a bugger I don't work Wednesdays.
I've noticed you are pregnant.
Ding Dong! Possibly know why,
you're dressed just like a peasant.
Ter er er er er er er er er er er er er er er er resa,
gee, you did a good job of it!
Ding dong merrily on high,
are they your ankles swelling?
Ding Dong! Who's the lucky guy?
It's Kronk! I know! I'm telling!
Ter er er er er er er er er er er er er er er er resa,
I hope it gets your head, not his!
Ding dong merrily I'm high,
at the Christmas smells you're making.
Ding dong pheromones waft by.
What's in that oven baking?
Ter er er er er er er er er er er er er er er er resa,
Is that a turkey baster or are you just glad to see me?
Ding dong merrily on high,
yes, I'm your secret Santa.
Ding dong hot hot Christmastime is nigh.
Let, "Get it out of me!" be your mantra!
Ter er er er er er er er er er er er er er er er resa,
and, "I want total sensory deprivation and back up drugs!"
Monday, November 14, 2005
Pouring It Out
Today has been a bit of a mixture of thoughts, emotions and feelings. Where did my numbness go? I miss it.
Although it can be very difficult to switch into work mode, I am finding more and more that the time I spend with the students at school has become my saving grace. When busy, I have to stay focused on the students. This pushes my darker thoughts to the back of my mind and thus gives me a reprieve from feeling low, if only for an hour at a time.
Its the times where I am not busy at work or am at home that remain a struggle. When I arrived at work this morning, I retreated into the CEC's office before the start of my first class. Sitting there alone I felt sad, hopeless and desperately wishing that I did not have to face another day. These thoughts and feelings were instantly pushed to the back my mind when the students entered the classroom.
Now that my work day is over and I am once again at home, I've found that the darker thoughts have returned. Everything seems hopeless again. I feel stuck. I wish I could escape. I know that it is virtually impossible to do so.
I'm not fond of the return of "me". I'd rather be gone and replaced with whoever had taken my body over in the past. Being me again means I feel things. It means I experience emotions. It means that I am bloody unhappy with my life the way it is. I still would rather it be over.
Joey, I got to get my butt down there for that pizza. I think I need a bit of an escape too.
Although it can be very difficult to switch into work mode, I am finding more and more that the time I spend with the students at school has become my saving grace. When busy, I have to stay focused on the students. This pushes my darker thoughts to the back of my mind and thus gives me a reprieve from feeling low, if only for an hour at a time.
Its the times where I am not busy at work or am at home that remain a struggle. When I arrived at work this morning, I retreated into the CEC's office before the start of my first class. Sitting there alone I felt sad, hopeless and desperately wishing that I did not have to face another day. These thoughts and feelings were instantly pushed to the back my mind when the students entered the classroom.
Now that my work day is over and I am once again at home, I've found that the darker thoughts have returned. Everything seems hopeless again. I feel stuck. I wish I could escape. I know that it is virtually impossible to do so.
I'm not fond of the return of "me". I'd rather be gone and replaced with whoever had taken my body over in the past. Being me again means I feel things. It means I experience emotions. It means that I am bloody unhappy with my life the way it is. I still would rather it be over.
Joey, I got to get my butt down there for that pizza. I think I need a bit of an escape too.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Homework Assignment 2
I don't know why I hate you. In fact, I don't know if I really do hate you. I don't know why I sometimes think you have hurt me deeply, beyond repair. I remember very little about our relationship. I don't know what I ever did to you. All that I do remember however, seems to be negative. I don't remember you ever saying that you loved me.I don't remember when you told me this, but why did you tell me that my father had held a gun to you? Why did you lie? Why does Dad think that as kids, during our access visits with him, my brother and I were "under fear of death" if we told him anything about our lives with you.
Why do I remember sitting on the back steps with the family dog, listening to you beating the living shit out of my brother? Did you use your cane on him that day? I don't remember you ever hitting me!
Why did my brother become the black sheep of the family? You excluded him from your will. You told me that he was phoning you all the time and then just hanging up without saying anything. Now I think of it, you thought your partner's ex-wife was doing the same.
As a young adult, I remember sitting down with my brother and discussing our relationships with you. The conversation stemmed from the last episode of "Family Ties" that we had just viewed. I think we were equating the mother's actions in that episode to your own; how the show's mother was having difficulty coping with her children becoming young adults and was therefore behaving in a negative manner. That's all I remember from that conversation though.
When I first moved out of your house, I remember us having some sort of fight. I guess I was around eighteen at the time. I suppose the fight was about me moving out. I really can't remember. I didn't last out in the big, wide world for long though. I remember you and your partner helping me move back into your house after I became freaked out by one of my flatmates' attentions.
During my last year at uni I moved back into your home to complete my last work placement in Brisbane. I remember having a huge fight then. I even dreamt about the fight the night before it happened. How weird is that? What was the fight about? I haven't a clue. All that I remember is fleeing to my Dad's house for the remainder of my placement.
You telephoned me after I returned to Townsville to complete the last few subjects of my degree. I was living with Jo and her future husband at the time. I can't remember what was said during the phone call, but it resulted in me running out into the back yard and screaming.
After I graduated and moved to Dysart for my first community worker position, I remember receiving a letter from you. It said that you no longer wanted anything to do with me. I can't remember the specifics. I got drunk that night and burnt the letter. I remember telling my workmate the following day what had happened. I must have been hung over or something. Years later, why did you deny ever writing such a letter? The fact is that you did. Surely you can take responsibility for your own actions.
Why didn't you try your hardest to attend my wedding? You said you couldn't come due to your ill health. I understand that you had a cancer scare. I understand that you had to undergo major surgery to remove the tumor from your pancreas. I understand that, although the tumor was benign, you lost some of your bowel and intestines due to the operation. The surgery was a year before the wedding though, wasn't it? Were you really still in too much pain to drive the couple of hours necessary to attend the ceremony? Could you have not driven up the night before and rested in a motel over night? You didn't even have to go to the reception if it would have been too much for you. Just the ceremony might have shown me that you actually cared even a little bit about me.
Then again, I am sort of glad that you never came. It would have been uncomfortable having you there. You asked my brother to video tape the wedding, but to make sure that he did not get any footage of my father on the tape. You and Dad had been divorced for years and years. Do you still hate the thought of him that much?
I probably should have dropped everything and rushed to your side when I was told you were in hospital. I didn't though. I don't really know why. I do remember speaking with your partner on the phone though. I was wondering what hospital you were in and where to send flowers. He said that it would be better not to send anything as the flowers that were already in your room were bothering you.
I don't think that you were a bad mother to me when I was young. You kept all my school report cards and class photographs. You organised "play dates" with my friends. You fed and clothed my brother and I despite only being on the pension.
The question is, were you actually a bad mother to me as I reached into adolescence and early adulthood? I don't know. I don't know if I have a right to be angry with you. I don't know if I have the right to feel hurt.
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, there it is. The end of my homework assignment. I don't get it though. Maybe my mother and I haven't had the most positive of relationships, but it has been certainly nothing out of the ordinary. Let's face it, our relationship could have been far, far worse. Why do I react so negatively when I speak with her? Why have I become who I am?
Friday, November 11, 2005
Homework Assignment 1
I might start this therapy homework assignment with the letter I wrote to my mother at the beginning of last year. I wrote this after the last phone call I ever received from her. At the time, I worded the letter reasonably carefully as it was my intention to send it to her. I never did send it, however.
I remember being rather taken aback by the question. For years I had felt that our communication, which was very rare anyway, was incredibly strained. She wanted a definite reason though, so I stumbled out with something about a letter that she had written me years before (in 1995 I think) that stated she no longer wanted anything to do with me. She denied ever writing such a letter and then called me pathetic.
I lost it at that point. I slammed down the telephone, except instead of hanging up, the phone fell on the floor with the receiver still off the hook. I raced into the kitchen and started screaming incomprehensibly. It's not the first time a telephone call from my mother resulted in me doing the same thing. Unfortunately she would have heard it all, a fact that still makes me pretty annoyed to this day.
Hubby ran out to the kitchen, however, and hung up the phone for me. She rang again straight away, but neither my husband nor I answered the call. She left a long message on our message bank, but Hubby deleted it straight away. The only thing that Hubby has ever said to me about the message is that my mother sounded like she believed she was talking into a proper telephone answering machine and therefore thought that we could hear what she was saying as she was saying it.
13 January 2004Maybe I should take a quick moment to explain what happened during the phone call in question. My mother rang me in January 2004. Initially she tried to make small talk, but all of a sudden she took on an accusatory manner and came out with the question, "Why don't I care?"
Dear Mother
During your recent telephone call to me, you asked why I didn't care for you. If you take the time to read through and understand this letter hopefully you will gain an understanding of what happened in our relationship.
It is not that I don't care for you. If I did not have any feelings for you, talking to you would not negatively affect me the way that your last phone call did. Rather, it is that I am reluctant to contact you any way other than through writing. The reasons for this, I will attempt to explain throughout the rest of this letter.
Firstly, from my point of view, every time we speak it seems that your behaviour is quite abusive and accusatory. For example, during our recent telephone call, you called me "pathetic" when I began to explain to you why I did not contact you via telephone. This is what caused me to get upset and slam the phone down. Historically, this has often been the case in other voice contacts as well. This behaviour extends to my husband too. You described my future husband as "controlling" during a telephone call around the time we were married.
Secondly, you may deny it, but you did send me a letter when I was living in Dysart which stated that you no longer wanted any contact with me. I did not keep this letter, so unfortunately I have no proof that you did this. Instead, I burnt the letter in order to dispel its "negative energies".
The above are only a few instances I can pick out of many of which have occurred in the past. It seems from my end, ever since I reached young adulthood and moved away from South East Queensland, you have had difficulty relating to me in a positive manner. I am clueless as to why you act in this way. All I can tell you is that your behaviour has hurt me deeply and I am affected by it even now that I am in my mid thirties.
So, in essence, I am reluctant to contact you via telephone as I am trying to protect myself from your negative behaviour. All that I ask, if you are able to do so, is for you to begin to take responsibility for your own actions and not lay total blame on others. No-one's actions in a relationship are totally without blemish.
My apologies if this letter offends you in any way. To offend is not the reason why I wrote this letter. Rather it is hopefully to give you some insight on why I am reluctant to contact you via telephone.
I wish you well for your future and hope that your health is holding up adequately.
Regards
Kym
I remember being rather taken aback by the question. For years I had felt that our communication, which was very rare anyway, was incredibly strained. She wanted a definite reason though, so I stumbled out with something about a letter that she had written me years before (in 1995 I think) that stated she no longer wanted anything to do with me. She denied ever writing such a letter and then called me pathetic.
I lost it at that point. I slammed down the telephone, except instead of hanging up, the phone fell on the floor with the receiver still off the hook. I raced into the kitchen and started screaming incomprehensibly. It's not the first time a telephone call from my mother resulted in me doing the same thing. Unfortunately she would have heard it all, a fact that still makes me pretty annoyed to this day.
Hubby ran out to the kitchen, however, and hung up the phone for me. She rang again straight away, but neither my husband nor I answered the call. She left a long message on our message bank, but Hubby deleted it straight away. The only thing that Hubby has ever said to me about the message is that my mother sounded like she believed she was talking into a proper telephone answering machine and therefore thought that we could hear what she was saying as she was saying it.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Appointment Aftermath
I feel like utter crap tonight. Is it possible to be feeling so sad that it aches and be in the middle of numbing out at the same time, because that's what it feels like.
I'm of two minds at the moment. On the one hand I feel like downing as many pills as there is left in the cupboard. On the other hand I feel like curling up into a fetal position and sobbing. The only problem is that as much as it aches inside, I can't cry. Even though my eyes are sort of stinging and there is what feels like a lump in my throat, no tears will flow.
I've wanted to cry since towards the end of my pdoc appointment this afternoon. Despite this, it was a reasonably successful appointment in terms of me being able to talk about what was on my mind. Although I found it difficult to say anything initially, after the pdoc had read through my journal I was able to communicate a little better. That makes two weeks in a row now. Maybe we are starting to get somewhere.
Finally, I should admit that I have been a bit naughty while writing this post. Screw what the kids think tomorrow at school.
I'm of two minds at the moment. On the one hand I feel like downing as many pills as there is left in the cupboard. On the other hand I feel like curling up into a fetal position and sobbing. The only problem is that as much as it aches inside, I can't cry. Even though my eyes are sort of stinging and there is what feels like a lump in my throat, no tears will flow.
I've wanted to cry since towards the end of my pdoc appointment this afternoon. Despite this, it was a reasonably successful appointment in terms of me being able to talk about what was on my mind. Although I found it difficult to say anything initially, after the pdoc had read through my journal I was able to communicate a little better. That makes two weeks in a row now. Maybe we are starting to get somewhere.
* Lights up another cigarette and tries to keep concentrating *
As a result of today's appointment, I've have my first therapy "homework assignment". It's funny to think of it in that way. My pdoc would like me to try to write to my mother, in a manner of speaking. This stems from my blog entry with The Murmur's "You Suck" lyrics which I posted on my mother's birthday. I wrote one of those "never sent" letters early last year after I spoke with my mother for the last time. I still have it saved on my computer's hard drive, so I might print that one out to show my pdoc during our next appointment. I will see how I go with an updated, more frank version of it this week.Finally, I should admit that I have been a bit naughty while writing this post. Screw what the kids think tomorrow at school.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Women Over 30
I stumbled across Laura's Canadian Down Under blog this afternoon. Over the weekend she posted the funniest blog entry. It was just too good not to share. 
This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS's 60 Minutes.
"As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
"Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage".
This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS's 60 Minutes.
"As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
- A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
- If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do and it's usually something more interesting.
- A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
- Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
- Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
- A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
- Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
- A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
- Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
"Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage".
Not One of My Best Days
Today wasn't one of my better days. Although work was fine and perhaps even a bit of an escape from what I was feeling, my thoughts weren't the brightest. In short, I struggled throughout the day.
To begin with, I woke up not feeling the best in an emotional sense. One of my earliest thoughts today was of not wanting to be around. I didn't particularly want to have to face going to work. I wanted to stay at home and, well, self harm.
On arriving at the workplace, I was still in the same frame of mind. Thankfully my boss greeted me and we had a short conversation about her dental appointment on Sunday. When I was leaving the office to attend my first class, I told her that I was not having a good day so far. I even told her of my desire to SH. Given her recent history, she understood where I was coming from and said a few kind words of encouragement before I left for class.
Thankfully attending my classes today did offer me some reprieve from my thoughts. Unfortunately, however, the thoughts swiftly returned during my breaks. I was obviously not particularly successful in faking my way through the day because the other teacher aide with whom I work asked me what was wrong during one of our cigarette runs.
When I arrived home for the day, I did give into temptation for a short time. Unfortunately I haven't done anywhere near enough to achieve that buzz or relaxed feeling, so I am still thinking of it. Hubby arrives home from work soon though, so that is it for the time being. One little cut is going to be difficult to hide from the students tomorrow. At this stage, however, I don't really care.
To begin with, I woke up not feeling the best in an emotional sense. One of my earliest thoughts today was of not wanting to be around. I didn't particularly want to have to face going to work. I wanted to stay at home and, well, self harm.
On arriving at the workplace, I was still in the same frame of mind. Thankfully my boss greeted me and we had a short conversation about her dental appointment on Sunday. When I was leaving the office to attend my first class, I told her that I was not having a good day so far. I even told her of my desire to SH. Given her recent history, she understood where I was coming from and said a few kind words of encouragement before I left for class.
Thankfully attending my classes today did offer me some reprieve from my thoughts. Unfortunately, however, the thoughts swiftly returned during my breaks. I was obviously not particularly successful in faking my way through the day because the other teacher aide with whom I work asked me what was wrong during one of our cigarette runs.
When I arrived home for the day, I did give into temptation for a short time. Unfortunately I haven't done anywhere near enough to achieve that buzz or relaxed feeling, so I am still thinking of it. Hubby arrives home from work soon though, so that is it for the time being. One little cut is going to be difficult to hide from the students tomorrow. At this stage, however, I don't really care.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
FFS!
I was full of rage when I initially went to write what was to be this blog entry. Then I opened up too many resource-sucking programs for my laptop, which is sadly lacking in RAM, to handle. Poof went what I had written due to all the non-responsive programs. I'm still angry, although some of that anger has given way to disappointment, frustration and sadness.I've had a gutful! I feel used. I feel disrespected. I feel hopeless. It's like Hubby doesn't want to be with me for who I am. It's like all he wants is someone to look after him. It's like he wants someone to do everything for him. It seems as if all he wants is a woman to cook for him, to clean for him, to iron for him, to do his washing, to have sex with him and the list goes on and on. It could be anyone. It wouldn't necessarily have to be me. He'd be fucking happier with his own little Mrs June Cleaver, who would smile her way through the "traditional housewife" role, anyway.
What bought on this rant? It seems so trivial now that I sit down to write about it, but together with a whole bunch of other little things, an insurmountable mole hill is rapidly forming. This evening's episode is about a fucking movie believe it or not. Hubby has wanted to see the last Star Wars movie on DVD for a short while now. He wanted to get it out last Thursday night but I said that I was feeling really tired and just wanted to relax before going to bed. Friday night he mentioned the DVD again. I told him that I wouldn't go out and get it for him. What I neglected to mention is that he was quite welcome to go out and get it for himself. Silly me! I thought that was just implied. Tonight, he wakes up and finds me sitting in the lounge room. He immediately comes over to me, sits down by my side and starts sucking up to me so that I would go out to the video store and get the DVD out for him. Once again, I tell him that I would not go out to get the DVD. This time I tell him that he is quite welcome to go out himself and I would watch the DVD with him. Once he finally clicks that I am serious, he gets up off the couch, storms into the kitchen and starts grumbling to himself.
Why am I supposed to jump to attention at his every beck and call? Why is it, that if I don't jump to attention, he gets pissed off, rolls his eyes and storms away muttering to himself. Like I said previously, I have had a gutful. It seems that the only conversations we have now begin with him waking up and demanding something. He comes home from work, mutters a few sentences, then goes directly to his computer room and shuts himself away for the night. When not at work, he sleeps all day and plays on the computer all night. I am not a wife or life partner. I am merely a maid who is piss poor at doing her job.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I felt supported. When I was at my worst with this depression thing, all that I got from him was, "I don't understand". Admittedly, I couldn't tell him what was wrong with me at that stage. I felt empty. I felt like shit. I couldn't verbally communicate how I was feeling. I did however, give him an address to an Australian website devoted to providing information about depression and which also featured a support forum for family members of people with depression. Did he take the time to visit it? No! He didn't bother. I only got more of the "I don't understand" remarks. The first time I was admitted to hospital he never bothered to visit. I was the one that had to leave hospital for the night and visit him. The second time I was admitted to hospital, he didn't even want to drive me into the semi big smoke. A friend of mine had to talk with him frankly in order for him to take me to hospital. Even then, he wanted to drop me at the hospital's front door and leave. I realise that this is all ancient history and I probably shouldn't even be writing about it, but I feel so close to giving up on everything it is not funny.
Fuck these emotions! Where's that mind-numbing emptiness that I used to have. I want it back! I'm sick of feeling sad, used, angry, pissed-off and absolutely fucking hopeless.
Sorry Hubby if you read this and go, "WTF! Where did this come from?" I needed to vent. I needed to get this out. Let's face it, this is the only place that I can release my emotions freely without being interrupted.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Girls, I Think We Are On To Something
The results are in! Dogs are better than men! 
Today's local newspaper reported the results from a survey conducted over the past couple of months by a large pet food company here in Australia. The research suggested that there may be a whole lot more going on between women and their dogs than the general population would suspect. For the majority of Australian women, aged 25 years and older, the four-legged friend is truly that and more - a trusted, reliable much-loved companion and a source of affection in difficult times. The following are some of the specific findings:
- More than 90% of all women surveyed said they enjoyed the companionship and unconditional love their dog provided.
- 60% of women said their dogs were more affectionate than men.
- 63% of women said their dogs were more loyal than men.
- 58% of women said their dogs were more reliable than men.
- People who own pets typically visit the doctor less than non pet owners.
- Pet owners, on average, have lower cholesterol and lower blood pressure.
- Pet owners recover more quickly from illness and surgery.
- Pet owners deal better with stressful situations.
- Pet owners are less likely to report feeling lonely.
(Information taken from "The Morning Bulletin", 5 November 2005, pp 12, 13)
Friday, November 04, 2005
Hey, It Was a Friday
I haven't got much to write about tonight at all. Today was just an average day. I woke up. I went to work. I came home. I watered the garden and then I sat in front of the computer.This morning I managed to wake up feeling drugged out still. I took my Seroquel dose a little later than usual last night. Considering the time that it is now as I write this, it looks like I will be taking the Seroquel a little late tonight too. Woops. At least I don't have to be at work in the morning.
Work was okay today. My students worked pretty well for me. It's a pity I can't say the same for some on the non-Indigenous students, but you get that I guess. I ended up "wagging" most of the last lesson though. I was feeling a tad wiped out and it was only a reading class in the library, so I escaped up to the CEC's office to have a coffee and chat to a couple of students who were also hiding out in the office.
At the end of the school day, I came home after chatting with the CEC for a good half hour after school finished. Once home, I felt a little unsettled so I took myself outside to water the front garden. I don't know if it helped me feel any better, but the plants did benefit from it.
Perhaps the only thing I can whinge about tonight is my desire to burn. I have been rather tempted to continue burning on my other arm. I can't though. The students always ask what is wrong with my arm and I have run out of excuses as to why new burns magically appear. It's frustrating.
Anyway, thank goodness it is Friday, hey. I have a night out planned tomorrow night with my boss and the other teacher aide. They are both huge dags. It should be an entertaining outing.
Oh and while I think of it, if you read this DD, I hope your doc appointment goes well. Best of luck with it, hey.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Those Weird Emotions
I just felt a little teary then. How is that for weirdness? I'm actually experiencing a real emotion. Who would have thought, hey.I am feeling kind of sad tonight. I haven't felt this way throughout the entire day though. This sense of sadness has only really flooded over me tonight.
As for the reason for this feeling, who knows. I guess I have been allowing myself to dream a little, about being in the position to make decisions and perhaps even changes in my life. It's only a dream however, and one that cannot be pursued. I guess it is not all that healthy to allow myself to continue with this dreaming. It only breeds discontent.
I just need to take a quick moment to vent a little. Why, oh why, if I am working and Hubby is on days off, does he expect me to come home and cook dinner and pay the bills? Why can't I come home to a meal? Why can't he pay the particular bill in question himself? We are both generally lazy people I suppose, but it would be nice to share household responsibilities, although keeping the different hours we work in perspective. I am tired of feeling responsible for everything. The responsibility weighs heavily on me, especially if I am feeling like shit.
I don't know if I am being unreasonable though. If this is all that I have to whinge about, then perhaps I should just get over it. I don't know. Plenty of people have way bigger problems than something as trivial as this. However, sometimes I feel so unsupported and unappreciated. It can be hard.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Wednesday Reflection
Now that I have purged all of my angst, I guess I should try sitting down and writing about today's pdoc appointment and trip into the semi big smoke.
As often happens, my mind drifted onto darkish thoughts during both the drive into the semi big smoke and the drive back home. On the way in, I found myself thinking about the last time I overdosed on medication. I remembered how out of it I was after the meds had started to take effect. I remembered how easy it was. I remembered how surreal it was. I got to thinking how easy it would be to try again, of how freakin' good it would be to not have to deal with anything anymore. I'm on different meds now though. I wonder what the effect would be. On the way home I got to thinking about guns again. These are only thoughts to toy with, however. They don't mean anything at this stage.
On a brighter note, the actual appointment was okay. If I am not mistaken, I think I spoke the most during today's appointment that I have during any previous single appointment. I still find myself thinking certain things during the appointment that perhaps I should really voice. I am trying hard to do that however and was somewhat successful in doing so towards the end of the appointment when I whinged about something that has been on my mind of late.
It sort of makes me think that this type of therapy is supposed to be painstakingly slow. Maybe if it wasn't, then too many issues would come out within quick succession of each other and it would be too much to handle or something. Still, I wish that I had a greater understanding of what was happening, if anything, and what the ultimate goal would be.
As often happens, my mind drifted onto darkish thoughts during both the drive into the semi big smoke and the drive back home. On the way in, I found myself thinking about the last time I overdosed on medication. I remembered how out of it I was after the meds had started to take effect. I remembered how easy it was. I remembered how surreal it was. I got to thinking how easy it would be to try again, of how freakin' good it would be to not have to deal with anything anymore. I'm on different meds now though. I wonder what the effect would be. On the way home I got to thinking about guns again. These are only thoughts to toy with, however. They don't mean anything at this stage.
On a brighter note, the actual appointment was okay. If I am not mistaken, I think I spoke the most during today's appointment that I have during any previous single appointment. I still find myself thinking certain things during the appointment that perhaps I should really voice. I am trying hard to do that however and was somewhat successful in doing so towards the end of the appointment when I whinged about something that has been on my mind of late.
It sort of makes me think that this type of therapy is supposed to be painstakingly slow. Maybe if it wasn't, then too many issues would come out within quick succession of each other and it would be too much to handle or something. Still, I wish that I had a greater understanding of what was happening, if anything, and what the ultimate goal would be.
Letting Go Of The Angst
It's a very special someone's birthday today. *Cough* Since I won't be speaking to them in person today, I thought I would dedicate a song to them for their special day.
Aaah, there's nothing like purging some of the angst, hey. I feel so empowered.
You Suck
(The Murmurs)
No one hurt my fragile little mind right now
It's tangled up
And don't you know
The pussycat in me is curling up right now
But I'll bloom
From the inside out
But right now there's dust on my guitar, you fuck
And it's all your fault
Oh, you paralyzed my mind and for that you suck
Freedom's on my list today and I'm feeling pissed
But my timeless thoughts and ageless mind won't let you get away
Let you get away
And your guilty little conscience won't either
But right now there's dust on my guitar, you fuck
And it's all your fault
Oh, you paralyzed my mind and for that you suck
We all take risks, we all fall hard
But you, you went too far
And I'm too plush for your pathetic digs
And you're the only one you'll scar
But right now there's dust on my guitar, you fuck
And it's all your fault
Oh, you paralyzed my mind and for that you suck
And for that you suck
Aaah, there's nothing like purging some of the angst, hey. I feel so empowered.
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