Phase Two Started

Well, I have to say that these past few days have been absolute hell. My general mood has been really low and I've been thinking about harming myself ... not just the usual benign self harm either, but thoughts of overdosing again. It is only because of Hubby that I have stopped myself. I am reluctant to put him through it again. It wouldn't be fair. At least, by thinking of his side of things, I must still have some logical thought swarming around in my head somewhere.

Dispersed within the low mood have been moments of feeling completely out of it, like I'm stoned or something (dissociation?) and even moments of a sort of fake elevated mood where all I can do is giggle. I must admit that I kind of liked the fake elevated mood. It's nice to have a bit of a giggle about anything and everything. Feeling a little out of control during these times is the downside though. As for the stoned feeling, well, I am used to that.

Another notable thing that has been happening is I am crying. Who would have thought, hey. I am actually able to cry again. It's been so long since I have been able to release my emotions in this way. The medications that I have been taking have definitely blocked that ability. It sucks feeling so distraught and hopeless that I have been crying, but it is nice to be able to do it again.

Despite the rollercoaster, I've decided to persist with the decreasing of my medications plan and ultimately becoming medication free by my next appointment with my psychiatrist. If he has given up on me, then I am within my rights to give up on his medication, right? (I realise that's probably faulty thinking, but hey, I can't be completely logical ... it's not my style).

Perhaps something that has renewed my determination to stick to the decreasing of my medications plan is I woke up this morning feeling, well, alive. The world seemed real for the first time in a long, long time. The sun was bright and there were little things happening all around me like birds chirping and the like. I even feel like I have enough energy and motivation to finish off my TAFE assignments today. Cool, huh. Let's hope this feeling continues and I don't crash later on in the day. I have my fingers crossed.