Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Wednesday Blues

I'm firmly planted in my familiar Wednesday afternoon blues at the moment. I hate when I feel like this. Nothing seems worth it. I feel like giving in to what I have wanted to do for a long time. Gawd, it would be so much easier.

I drove into the semi-big smoke this morning to attend my pdoc appointment. Before the appointment, I decided to treat myself to a haircut so that I would look half-way decent for my job interview tomorrow. I think I have finally found a decent hairdresser in central Queensland. She did a good job.

However, I probably scheduled my hairdresser's appointment a little too close to my pdoc appointment time. By the time I made it to my pdoc's office I instantly started feeling a little, ummm, agitated I guess. My pdoc was running a few minutes late, but unfortunately I did not calm down any during my wait.

As I entered the room in which my pdoc sees his clients, it was like half of my mind flew out of my body and decided to stay in the waiting room. I was only half there again, unable to properly attend to what the pdoc was saying or offer much to the discussion.

Why the heck I do this regularly is beyond me. It's not like we discuss anything meaty during our appointments. Maybe I just suck at this therapy thing and it's not meant to make a difference for me.

Sometimes I just want it all to come to an end. It's not going to happen soon enough for me.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Eek! Crunch!

Oh no! The mice are planning their next invasion! Aargh!


My cat is the worst mouser ever! Earlier tonight, I was sitting in front of my laptop in the lounge room enjoying a freshly made cup of coffee. (Grrr at Hubby for not bringing back some more milk when he went out tonight! ). I heard the familiar thump of my cat entering the laundry window and landing on the washing machine. Suddenly, all hell broke loose! My napping dogs jumped to attention and raced into the kitchen chasing after the cat.

I leapt off the couch and bounded into the kitchen to see what was going on. I noticed the cat focusing all of his attention on a corner of the room. Gingerly, I moved the paper shredder that sits in the particular corner in question. (When the cat brings something into the house I always fear for the worst, e.g. a big scary spider waiting to jump out at me). Hiding behind the paper shredder was a terrified little mouse.

I consider mice to be incredibly cute little critters and all, but they have just caused way too many problems in my house during a previous invasion. Therefore, this mouse just had to be removed. I desperately tried to catch the little terrorist, but the rotten thing just ended up hiding underneath the nightie that I was wearing. Eeewwww! Being the slack mouser that he is, my cat had already lost interest. It was time to call in the big guns. Cue the dogs!

Now my Husky is a very skilled and quick mouser, but this time it was my Aussie that won the prize. She deftly jumped into the battle zone, caught the mouse in no time flat, and retreated to the hallway with her prize. Good dog! The only problem was, before I could get the mouse off her, she started chowing down on it. Double eeewwww! The poor, poor mouse! What a way to go. Ick!

This whole episode means that there are still mice hanging around outside. Now I am just waiting for the little buggers to make their way inside again. Yuck! Maybe the war continues!

Monday, August 29, 2005

Whinge Bitch Moan

Whilst today definitely doesn't rank up there with my favourite days ever, I guess it hasn't been all that bad. On the bright side, my old boss from the school rang today. She offered me an interview for the job which I applied for last week. Yay me! I got an interview! It's not until Thursday afternoon, so I may just treat myself to a trip to the hairdresser on Wednesday when I visit the semi-big smoke.

Apart from the interview news, today has been quite average. My mood has definitely not been at its best. I visited my friend, Chris, for a cuppa and a chat this afternoon. During our conversation, I was saying how good I had been feeling of late. There is no doubt that I have improved no end, but I felt like the biggest fake in the world when I was saying those words to her. To be honest, I've felt really low today. I'm definitely in a "life sucks" frame of mind. Yuck!

To make matters worse, my wonderful chest pains are back tonight. I can't believe that reflux or indigestion, or whatever it is, can hurt so bloody much! I feel like crawling up into a ball. I've actually eaten quite well for me today too. I think the problem is that instead of smoking my usual 2mg cigarettes, I have been smoking Hubby's 4mg cigarettes. Damn! I have to get a packet of my usual cigarettes tomorrow. Oh, and maybe some Mylanta or something. Ouch, ouch, ouch and ouch! Is it wrong to wish emphysema or something similar on oneself? At least then I would know that I wouldn't have to put up with this crap for too much longer.

Really, if I sat back and looked at today properly, it's probably been an okay sort of day. I guess I am just in a foul mood and feeling really uncomfortable. Grrr! Tomorrow has to be better.

What Is With Some People?

I'm not into political blogs at all. Personally, I find them as dull as dishwater. I'd much rather read about the everyday lives of people. However, once in a blue moon I see something on the nightly news on TV that just makes me want to slap someone. Tonight was one of those nights.

Two Liberal party MP's, Bronwyn Bishop and Sophie Panopoulus are pushing to ban Muslim girls from wearing headscarves in public schools. Apparently Ms Bishop describes the wearing of the hijab as an "iconic act of defiance". Here is a link to a short news story regarding this issue.

I must admit that I am largely ignorant of Muslim culture, but personally I think these two MP's are being ridiculous. As far as I know, the wearing of the hijab holds great religious significance to these girls. I guess it is like an expression of their faith. How dare these two women seek to ban these girls from wearing what means so much to them!

I thought Australia promoted itself as a multicultural country. If these two women represent a good part of the Australian community, then we have a lot to learn. Grrr!

Photo taken from the Reflections website.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Online Chat

I was chatting to an Internet bud tonight. A short time into our chat, our conversation took on a slightly more serious slant. We began talking about what we thought life was about. He shared his thoughts about life being about love and happiness. What a wonderful point of view! I however, found myself slipping into sharing with him what have been my thoughts about life for a while now. I saw myself typing out the words, "Life is breathing; existing; learning perhaps to read more into life so that it is worth continuing to live." His concluding remark to the end of this part of our conversation was, "Because if nothing makes you happy, what is the point of being alive?" That's a very good point, and one that I still cannot answer.

We then continued our conversation with what made us happy. My Internet bud typed out an impressive list, including such things as:
  • the beach
  • a sunny day
  • watching kids play and laugh
  • hearing that someone has done something good
  • accomplishing something
His list continued on and on.

When it was my turn to list the things that made me happy, I was stumped. I couldn't think of anything that bought me happiness. My Internet bud suggested my dogs. Well, that is true I guess. My dogs do bring me joy at times. However, I continued to struggle to add things to my list. He went on to suggest a few other things, but none of his suggestions held any appeal.

Even now, as I type this post, I find it very difficult to expand on my "happiness list". Perhaps I could add chatting with friends to the list. I guess I could also add the times when Hubby gets that cute look on his face. I don't know if any of these things bring me true happiness though. What is happiness anyway?

To continue on with this thought, what is life all about anyway? It's wonderful that people can look at the meaning of life, so to speak, and come up with words like happiness and love. It just seems that when people come up with words like that, that they are falling into the trap of reading too much into life. When all things are said and done, life is only existence.

Another Ultra Boring Update Post

It's time for another one of my ultra boring update posts. Feel free to scroll down to my cute tea drinking Husky pic instead.

I'm sitting here watching the end of the movie, "Terminator 2: Judgment Day", on TV. I love all of the Terminator movies, but this one is probably my favourite out of the three. They are all full of action though, and are sort of sad whilst remaining hopeful. It's a great trilogy.

Anyway, that was just a bit of an aside. On to the real post.

Firstly, I ended up finishing the job application I was working on with no further worries. I even submitted it with hours to spare to the deadline. Gawd, it was good to finally get it finished. What a drama! I'm fairly certain I will get an interview out of it, so I'll see how I go.

It was kind of weird going to the school to submit the application though. Up until then, I had been feeling quite good that day. Whilst my quick visit to the school was fine (I even had a quick chat with one of the admin assistants that worked there when I was there), just being there was sort of strange. I guess it just brought back mixed feelings about what happened last year. I know that it is nothing to worry about. It's just me being a little silly, but my mood dipped down after my visit to the school.

Since I finished the job application, I haven't really been up to much. I was a bit naughty on Thursday night because I didn't take my normal Seroquel dose. I needed to be able to stay awake that night to finish the application. Consequently, I've had a bit of sleep to catch up with. I snored my head off all Friday night until late this morning, then I turned around and had a few hours snooze time this afternoon.

Anyway, time for me to do the pill taking thing and start thinking about catching some more snooze time. It's getting pretty late. Looks like I will be sleeping most of tomorrow away too. Aah, what a life!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Oops!

As promised, here is a piccie of the aftermath to the "Tea Drinking Husky" episode ...

This is what happens at my house when I decide to take a photo of my Husky being cute, when instead I should have said, "Oh naughty dog. Don't drink my cup of tea." Oops!

Friday, August 26, 2005

Tea Drinking Husky

This is what happens at my house when I turn my back for one whole second. My Sibe starts drinking the lovely, warm cup of tea that I was enjoying. Damn furry kids, hey! Gotta love them.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Thursday Update

Tonight's entry is going to be short and sweet. I am still in the middle of completing the job application I have spoken about in previous posts. I have been a bit more focused with the application this afternoon and have nearly completed four of the seven selection criteria.

My stress levels regarding the writing of the job application are far more manageable at the moment. I should have known not to panic so much (silly me). I've always been one to be far more productive as the deadline for a task draws nearer. It's going to be a long night of writing and coffee drinking tonight though. Wish me luck!

Since starting this job application, I have been missing chatting to my Internet buds and properly reading other people's blogs. I can't wait until I have finally finished the application so that I can chat and peruse again.

Update (8:39pm): I just spoke on the phone with my old boss from the school. How ironic is this? The school has provided everyone who is applying for the job with the wrong application package. Apparently the correct application package has fewer selection criteria to address. What a bugger! I still have to answer all the criteria though, because the other applicants wouldn't be aware of the mix-up. Pooh, bum, pooh! At this late stage it is pretty funny though.

Update (10:15pm): I'm still writing my answers to the position's selection criteria. Am I slow at this sort of stuff or what! Unfortunately I have lost a bit of my focus, hence me returning here to write another update. I've just been a bit naughty and completely copied and pasted a whole answer to a selection criterion I wrote for a position I applied for last year, to my current application. How lazy is that! Eeh, the two selection criteria in question are similar enough I reckon. hehehe

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Untitled

I've recently arrived home from my pdoc appointment in the "semi-big smoke". In one way it was quite a good appointment as I was able to talk about things at the beginning. However what I really want to write about is what happened towards the end of the appointment. It's going to be a little hard to write about what happened because I haven't got a clue what it was. It was kind of weird.

At the beginning of the appointment all was going well. I could actually string sentences together for a change, so that was pretty cool. I think I might be getting better at this whole therapy thing. After a while, the pdoc asked to read through my journal (my journal is my blog entries). He picked up on a few things that I had written over the past few weeks since our last appointment and commented on them.

As the pdoc was reading through my journal I began to feel the familiar ache build within me. I was falling into my "life sucks and I have had enough" thought process. I'm used to these thoughts randomly invading my mind, so that was not at all unusual especially during a pdoc appointment.

What was unusual is what happened next. Mmm ... what's the best way to describe it? I just started fading away somehow. I could hear what the pdoc was saying, what he was asking me, but I had to fight incredibly hard just to give him a one word answer. At one stage I had to close my eyes and really concentrate to stay with it. Damn that feeling sucked!

It wasn't until I was well into my drive home that I literally shook myself out of it. You know that feeling when a chill goes up your spine or something? That's what happened to make me fully with it again.

Anyway, I'll end this post with the lyrics to "Untitled" by Simple Plan. It's kind of my theme song tonight.
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Here Ya Go Mothy!

Which Fantasy/SciFi Character Are You?

Since you asked so nicely Mothy, I took the quiz for you. Apparently I am Gandalf. Who would have thought, hey. Here's what the quiz people say about Gandalf people:

A wandering spirit caring for a multitude of just concerns, you are an instrumental power in many of the causes around you.

And so am I, very dangerous: more dangerous than anything you will ever meet, unless you are brought alive before the seat of the Dark Lord.

Gandalf is a character from the Middle-Earth universe. TheOneRing.net has a description of him.

Just Great!

He’s hungry. He’s tired. He’s thirsty.

I tell him that I am feeling incredibly stressed at the moment. I show him my application; tell him I am getting nowhere with it. What response do I get? “I’m hungry. I’m tired. I’m thirsty. What’s for dinner? I’m back at work tomorrow, so when are you going shopping?”

Gee, thanks for the words of support. FABC!

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

I'm stressed out of my head! Why, oh why am I finding this job application so hard to do? I feel like I could jump out of my skin, and what is with this rocking back and forward crap? No prizes for guessing what I want to turn to at the moment. Gawd, this doesn't bode well for trying to return to the workforce. If I am so anxious just writing the application, what I am going to be like if I actually get the job?

At least I got out of driving into the "semi-big smoke" today for Hubby's follow-up doctor's appointment. Instead, Hubby just rang his doctor for the test results. He didn't feel like the four hour round trip either. The good news is that the results of the tests came back normal. That is a relief, although I do wonder what happened to make him so ill. I guess it was just a bug.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Selection Criteria Are Evil!

I really, really, really despise answering selection criteria! What evil person invented them? Aaarrrggghhhh! I so suck at answering these things quickly. Here's a list of the selection criteria I must address for the teacher's aide position for which I am applying.
  1. A demonstrated knowledge and understanding of Indigenous societies, and cultures and an understanding of the issues affecting Indigenous people in contemporary Australian society and the diversity of circumstances of Indigenous people.
  2. A demonstrated ability to communicate sensitively and effectively, including the requirement for proper negotiation and consultation, with Indigenous people on matters relevant to the delivery of education services to Indigenous people.
  3. Possession of a Certificate III level qualification or ability to demonstrate skills and knowledge consistent with Australian Qualifications Framework Certificate III or higher.
  4. Knowledge of, or ability to rapidly acquire knowledge of, classroom activities, procedures, use and maintenance of resources and school policies.
  5. Demonstrated high level communication skills, sound personal qualities of tact, reliability and an ability to work with others both individually and as a member of a team.
  6. Understanding of occupational health and safety, equal employment opportunity and anti-discrimination as applied in a work environment.
  7. Demonstrated willingness to undertake specific training to enhance student support.
Admittedly, some of the criteria are fairly easy ones, but ugh, I just hate writing job applications with a passion!

Joey, how much will you charge me for whipping up some responses to these things?

Oh well, time for me to stop procrastinating and start doing some more writing. Ick!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Looking into the Past

During our regular Sunday night phone call tonight, I finally worked up the courage to ask Dad about his marriage to my mother. Dad and my mother divorced when I was quite young. I was only 8 or 9 when they separated. I guess that would have made me around 10 years old when the divorce was granted. Consequently, I have no memory whatsoever from the time when Dad and my mother were living together except for the odd school related recollection and that the family holidays were spent on Queensland's Sunshine Coast in a caravan park.

I guess I should say from the outset that I trust everything Dad told me tonight was the truth. He has never said a bad word to me about my mother in the past. When it comes to the life he shared with my mother, he has always been rather reserved, preferring not to say anything at all.

From what Dad told me tonight, the marriage hadn't been a very healthy one for several years before the separation. Although Dad had no first hand knowledge of this, he was told by both his brother and brother-in-law that my mother had cheated on him with several partners. I was a bit surprised to hear this information. Previously no-one had ever even hinted to me that something like this had occurred. The closest I had come to thinking about this sort of thing happening was when I once tried to sit down and work out the time between my parents separating and my mother repartnering with her defacto husband. I had my suspicions that she had moved in with her partner very soon after she separated with my father. It looks like my suspicions were correct on that one.

In regards to any physical violence within the marriage, Dad emphatically denied it. I asked him about the possibility of violence within the relationship tonight because my mother once told me that Dad had held a gun to her. I have always had my suspicions that that particular snippet of information fed to me as a child/adolescent was a load of garbage. In fact, Dad stated that the only time any physical violence occurred in the relationship was when he hit my mother as a reaction to her hitting him first.

There were a few other little things about the marriage that Dad disclosed to me tonight. Throughout the marriage, he felt that everything he tried to do was treated with contempt. My mother's family was quite wealthy while my Dad came from a working class family. My Dad went into his own motor trimming business to try to provide more for our family. My mother did help with the business for a time, however did not continue to do so. Dad indicated that he worked hard to make the business profitable, which it was, however he became very ill with asthma and was admitted into hospital for a short while. My mother had refused to come and collect him from the hospital after his release. After my Hubby's short stay in hospital earlier this week, I could not even imagine what possessed my mother to not want to pick Dad up from the hospital. Due to Dad's illness, the business was sold shortly after.

There was also the question of what happened to the rent money that Dad sunk into my childhood home. The house was built and owned by my mother's parents. Dad and my mother paid them rent to live in the house and to eventually pay it off. The rent somehow made it into my mother's hands instead of my maternal grandparents.

Unfortunately, Dad couldn't shed any light on how my mother had treated my brother and I. Dad indicated that during the last couple of years of the marriage, he was working at the business six plus days a week and had consequently "missed" that time with my brother and I. The only thing that Dad did tell me tonight was that he thought that my brother and I were fearful about telling him anything when he had us for access visits, although Dad also indicated that he had not tried to glean any information from us. He further indicated that he thought that my brother was more easily controlled by my mother than I was which may have caused more problems for me.

Whilst I don't really remember how my mother treated me as a child, I am pretty sure that my brother got the raw deal. I remember sitting outside on the back stairs with the family dog, listening to my mother hitting my brother. I remember my mother having a cane with which she used to hit my brother. I don't think she ever used it on me though.

My problems with my mother did not occur until my latter adolescent years. For the life of me I cannot articulate why. To be honest, I had a bloody boring youth. I was working when I was 15 and wasn't into anything nasty at all. I didn't do drugs and I hardly ever went out to a nightclub for a drinking binge before I turned 18. I remember feeling quite depressed during my latter adolescence and turned to churches and youth groups to gain some sort of meaning to life. In short, I was a boring goody goody of a kid. I have no idea what prompted my mother to tell me to piss off out of her life when I was in my early 20s. I cannot articulate a proper reason why I think my mother is incredibly controlling and not a very nice person. Maybe after I grew a brain in my adolescence I realised what type of person she really was. Maybe we clashed because of that. I guess I will never know.

All-in-all I can't see anything in my childhood that would constitute a reason for how I am now. Nothing spectacularly bad happened. I dearly wish I was able to recall more from my childhood and adolescence. I guess my brain is not wired in such a way that I can recall what happened personally. Is this perceived lack of memory abnormal? I don't know. I have my suspicions that it is probably not though and most 34 year olds only remember snippets from their childhood.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Saturday Afternoon Update

I'm feeling absolutely shattered this evening. I haven't got a good excuse for feeling this way. I didn't awake until around 11:30 this morning, so I had a great night's sleep. I guess the last few days have been pretty full on though.

Update on Hubby's Health

Hubby is fine. He only spent the one night in hospital and was feeling much better the next day. Hubby did finally admit to me the other day that the doctor at our local hospital had him worried. The hospital doctor was concerned that Hubby either had a stomach ulcer or gall bladder problems and thus wanted to do an ultrasound and another test which involved putting a little camera down his throat (I think).

Since Hubby was not particularly looking forward to having to undergo those tests, he made an appointment with his own GP in the "semi-big smoke". The semi-big smoke doctor was far less concerned than the hospital doctor, which put Hubby's mind at ease. He did send Hubby for a couple of tests, but these tests were only a full blood count and a breath test that could apparently pick up if a nasty bug had made its way into Hubby's stomach. We will know the results to these tests next Tuesday when Hubby sees the semi-big smoke doctor again. All in all though, Hubby's illness looks like it was just a temporary nasty gastro problem and nothing to be concerned about at all. Phew!

Friday Night Outing

As I mentioned in a previous post, my old boss had invited me to attend the school musical with her last night. It was quite a fun night. We went to one of the local clubs for a drink before and after the musical. My old boss introduced me to some of the newer school employees, whom hadn't been working at the school at the time I was there, as an old teacher aide who may be working at the school again soon. Mmm, I think I am going to have to apply for that temporary teacher's aide position or my old boss is going to kill me.

The school musical was hilarious, although I must admit that half the time I had no idea what was going on. The story line wasn't particularly easy to follow. One of the main characters just couldn't sing at all. We had a good giggle every time we heard his voice rising above the other actors. Kudos to him for trying so hard though. He made the funniest remark at the end of the musical when he thanked one of the organising teachers for putting up with his lack of singing talent.

Well, the last few days have been quite busy so I guess I do have a reason to feel tired after all. Emotionally I am going okay. I'm feeling a bit flat to be honest but I think I am tired more than anything else. I will be glad for an early night to bed tonight.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Woohoo! Tagged Again!

I've been tagged for another meme. What fun! Thanks James.

This one is for my six favourite songs right now. I'll try to keep them reasonably current, i.e. I promise not to mention Pink Floyd and I'll try to keep them to this century. It's kind of hard to keep up with decent music when you live in a town that doesn't have a decent radio station (damn community radio that only plays country music).
  1. 1985 - Bowling for Soup: This song could almost be my theme song if I didn't think 80's music and fashion sucked.
  2. Numb - Linkin Park: This song is my theme song, except I don't know who the hell "I" am anymore.
  3. Scars - Papa Roach: Thanks for introducing this band to me duskydawn. They rock!
  4. Bad Day - Daniel Powter: I love this song's lyrics. "Well you need a blue sky holiday". Yes please! "You sing a sad song just to turn it around". This line explains my obsession with Pink Floyd. (Sorry, I just couldn't go without mentioning my favourite band of all time. )
  5. My Band - D12: I love it when Eminem takes the piss out of himself.
  6. A Place Called Home - Kim Richey: I loved this song ever since I heard it on an "Angel" episode.
So, there's my list of current favourite songs. Who wants to share theirs? Here's my tag list:
  1. Joey
  2. Mothman
  3. Blogaholic (when you feel safe to spread your wings again)
  4. Gabbi
    Gawd, who else does these meme things?
  5. White Knight (Okay, you don't know me from a bar of soap, but I am dying to know just a little more about you )
    Umm ... one more person?
  6. I'll leave number 6 open to anyone who wants to take up the challenge.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Hospital Visit Update

I've just arrived home from the hospital. Although Hubby did call me from the hospital around 6:00pm to pick him up and bring him home, he didn't stay at home for long. Within a very short time the pethidine he had been given had worn off and his pain returned.

To cut a long story short, he has been admitted into hospital. He will stay there overnight at least. The doctor saw him earlier this evening and indicated that Hubby may actually have an ulcer. It looks like Hubby may need to have some tests done to pinpoint exactly what the problem is. We will know more in the morning after he sees the doctor again.

All that I can say is, please someone give me a razor. I know that it is nothing to be really concerned about, but it is worrying nevertheless. I'm feeling pretty emotional. I have taken my meds however. I only have to hold out for another hour.

Hospital Visit

I'm becoming far too familiar with the interiors of hospitals!

I was out visiting a friend this afternoon when I received a phone call from Hubby. He stated that he wanted me to come home straight away and drive him to the local hospital. I couldn't really get him to tell me what was wrong. Consequently, I left my friend's place and rushed home.

Hubby was waiting on the driveway for me to arrive. He really looked like he was in quite a bit of discomfort, the poor guy. I managed to wrangle out of him an explanation of what was wrong during our short drive to the hospital. He felt pain in his stomach and chest area.

Once we arrived at the hospital, the nurse showed us into an examination room. (Thank goodness for small town hospitals and no waiting for hours in an emergency department). Poor Hubby was poked and prodded by the nurse. He was even given an ECG just in case the pain had something to do with his heart.

After the examination, the nurse indicated that Hubby was probably experiencing some sort of gastro problem due to what he had eaten recently. Another possible reason was that his gall bladder was protesting the amount of fatty food he had consumed over the past couple of days. Poor bugger! I have had similar experiences in the past (with the gastro stuff anyhow) and I know that it hurts like hell. He was given some Mylanta to settle his tummy, however that didn't give him any relief. He was then given an injection to help with the pain and nausea.

Now Hubby is sitting up at the hospital waiting for the pain to subside. The rotten bugger told me to go home as there was no reason for both of us to wait. Mmmm. I guess you just worry when a loved one is in hospital no matter how serious the problem is. Mind you, I am expecting a telephone call any second to collect him from the hospital because he is feeling better.

I must admit that it was a little strange being in that hospital examination room again. It was the same room I was in when they shoved charcoal up my nose around this time last year. To top that off, there was a wall chart in the room which showed the treatment procedures for paracetamol overdoses (although that is not what I overdosed on). It all felt just a little surreal.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

What To Do?

In the local newspaper today, an advertisement for a temporary teacher's aide position at the school where I used to work (as a teacher's aide too) caught my eye. Is this my way back into the workforce after over a year of being out of work, essentially due to illness?

The coincidental thing is that my old boss from the school rang tonight. She was ringing to say hello and to invite me out to the school's musical on Friday night. (Events like school musicals are big social outings in a small town). When I asked her about the position, she said that I should get my butt down to the school and collect an application package. She even added that if I hadn't collected an application package before Friday night, she would bring one with her to the musical. How about that, hey! She is keen for me to apply for the position.

I must admit, however, that I am of two minds when it comes to returning to work. On the one hand, I am terrified. What if the added stress (not that being a teacher's aide is particularly stressful) tips me over the edge again? I am tired of screwing up jobs because I can't handle them. I'm tired of feeling like crap too I guess, so I don't want to get involved in something that makes me feel worse.

On the other hand, perhaps getting back into the workforce is a good idea. It would get me out of the house and focusing on something other than how I am feeling at any given moment. After all, this teacher's aide position in only for the last term of the school year and it is only 20 hours per week. That has got to be manageable, right?

The extra money would be brilliant. Despite Hubby working in the mining industry which is a high paid industry here in Australia, money is tight on just one wage. We waste a heap of money each pay on luxuries like pay TV and cigarettes. Although Hubby tries his best not to pressure me into going back to work before I am ready, he never fails to mention an open administration job that he hears about.

I just don't know. I've checked to see that this teacher's aide position is not already held by someone and the school just had to advertise it due to equal opportunity laws. It's not. The position has become available due to an education department grant. I've checked to see that it is not an identified indigenous position. It's not. It is open to anyone regardless of cultural background. The only thing I didn't check was the flexibility of hours worked. I want to continue with my pdoc appointments, so that means I require at least half a day off per week. Since the position is only 20 hours per week, I would imagine that is feasible.

Oh well, I could be worrying about nothing. I have to apply first and then be accepted for an interview even before I am considered for the position. I might not even get that far into the selection process. I suppose I will pop down to the school tomorrow afternoon and collect an application package. I can only take it from there.

Oh the Gullibility!

Oh my gawd! What a day! Who cares about that though. I want to talk about a letter I received in the mail today.

Now it is widely accepted that taking certain types of psychiatric medication can really make you stack on the weight. I have been the poster child for weight gain whilst taking pills. Ever since I got sick, I must have put on at least 15kg, if not a whole lot more. Okay, I admit my diet is absolutely tragic and I don't exercise (gee, I wonder why I am gaining weight ... duh), but I think it was mizeeyore who called Seroquel "sugarquel" and boy is she right!

Anyway, my weight loss prayers have now been answered, all thanks to a letter I received in the mail today. This letter extols the virtues of a weight loss pill which apparently works by turning "food into fuel for your metabolism". The letter goes on to say "in fact the more you eat the more you burn; you can never, never eat more than you burn!"

Oh my gawd, where do I sign up? I'm hooked!

Although my tongue has been firmly planted in my cheek throughout this post, would you believe that I am actually considering buying some of these pills. I am so gullible! Please, someone hide my credit cards!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Motivation: The New Swear Word

Motivation: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal. (Meaning taken from Dictionary.com).

I have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all constructive today. Looking at the above meaning of the word motivation, maybe my lack thereof is because I have no goal which I wish to obtain.

I've been feeling quite melancholy since I first woke up today. I can really feel a funk coming on. As such, all that I have done is either sit in front of the television watching shows like The Nanny or Frasier, or sit in front of the computer surfing through a few blogs.

In order to try to stop the funk from taking over my entire mood, I thought I would do a bit of housework. I grabbed the vacuum cleaner out of the hallway cupboard and actually managed to vacuum the hallway. That's as far as I got though. The vacuum cleaner is now sitting idle on the kitchen floor.

Okay, so the vacuuming didn't snap me out of my melancholy. I thought I would then put a load of dirty clothes in the washing machine. Done. Yay, I now have clean undies to wear tomorrow, that is if I can be bothered to hang the clothing out on the line when the cycle is done.

I just can't be bothered to do anything else though. I'm sitting here typing out my frustrations, yet all I want to do is go to bed and sleep the rest of the day away. I know I should probably keep moving; to try to shake this funk once and for all.

What can I do though? I guess I could turn up at a friend's door for a cuppa, but I am just not feeling all that sociable right now. I could continue on with some more housework. Lawd knows I need to. It will save me some time later tonight when I prepare Hubby's crib for his day shift tomorrow. However, the thought of more housework just makes me want to cringe.

Blah! Motivation is definitely the new swear word. I can't raise any motivation at all.

Oh damn. The washing machine has finished it's cycle. Time to get off the couch.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

It's a Big Ad!

I came across Carlton Draught's Big Ad website today during my internet travels. It's "freak...ing" hilarious! Click on the above image to view. It's well worth the load time (if you are on dial-up that is ... quick load on DSL).

Update: Talk about your coincidences! I just saw the Big Ad on television for the first time. Gotta love that Aussie humour!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Nostalgic Thoughts

I've been thinking far too much over the past 24 hours. Thinking seems to invoke emotional responses. I'm not fond of emotional responses these days. More often than not, they lead to feeling down. Sometimes I miss the numbness.

Last night my mood fell dramatically. I'm not sure why. I was only chatting on MSN while watching the movie Grease on TV. I guess I became a little concerned about something and the thoughts just tentacled outwards from there.

Whatever the cause, I was left in a dark place. Thoughts of OD'ing resurfaced. It hadn't been the first time I had similar thoughts yesterday anyway.

I'm not in any danger of carrying out these thoughts though. Hubby is home on days off and I have a couple of friends I can turn to anyway if the thoughts become too disturbing. I guess, in a sense, they are just a little alluring ... to know that your life is truly in your own hands if you want it to be.

Anyway, enough with the depressive crap.

Around lunch time today I was watching a TV show called State Focus on Channel 10. The show aired a segment on Townsville's VP60 celebration. According to the VP60 website, the celebration commemorates the day, back in August 1945, when Japan announced its surrender to the Allies, bringing to an end what was essentially World War II in the Pacific Region.

Watching this segment stirred up memories of the time I lived in Townsville. I was lucky enough to be living in the northern Queensland city during a similar celebration just over 10 years ago. It couldn't have been the VP50 celebration. I had already moved on from Townsville in 1995. However it was "Victory Something-or-Other" relating to the finalisation of WWII, fifty years onwards. (What a goose for not remembering exactly what the celebrations were called.)

Whatever the name of the celebration was, it was an exciting time to be living in Townsville. The celebration continued for a number of days and the city hosted armed forces visitors from the USA. I remember hanging around with a bunch of girls from my church's youth group (yes I was a good little Christian girl back then ... what happened?) as we entertained a small group of American navy men for the weekend.

Gawd, did we have fun! We drove them around in our cars showing them the sights of Townsville. I remember scaring them witless with my suspect driving skills. I also spent a wonderful night sitting on the beach talking with one of the sailors.

Those were the times, hey. I wish I was still living up in Townsville this weekend.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Friday Summary (aka All Sorts of Junk)

It's one of those days where I don't have any specific topic to write about. Instead, I am going to ramble on with all sorts of disjointed stuff about my day. Feel free to start snoring now.

I woke up exceptionally late this morning at around 11:30. I can't believe my Husky, who is usually the first critter to awake in the mornings much to my disgust, slept in for so long. What a treat!

After throwing a jumper on and stumbling down the hallway to let the dogs out the back door for their "wee walk", I was greeted by a lovely wet backyard. It had rained overnight. We must have had quite a drop too as it looked like the rain had really seeped into the ground. It doesn't rain anywhere near enough for my liking here, so it was nice to see that we had been blessed with it last night. Everything will turn green again!

As a result of the rain, it's been absolutely freezing here today (well, for us spoilt central Queenslanders that is). The temperature never reached above 20 degrees. Looks like tomorrow's weather is going to be much the same, minus the rain though. According to The Weather Channel website, it's supposed to get down to 6 degrees overnight with a maximum temperature tomorrow of only 19 degrees. Brr! Thank goodness for a nice, warm waterbed.

Mood-wise, I have been feeling a little off today because I knew I had to go out but seriously did not want to. I was considering popping down to the local hospital to ask about this arm of mine. I was understandably a little concerned about doing so. What is a person to say if a nurse asked how the burn was made? Mmmm.

I have been a good little psych patient though, by covering the burn for a week now with Silvazine cream and a fresh dressing each day, in addition to taking oral antibiotics twice a day for the infection. However, it still feels a little tender and is still yellow in quite a few places. (My apologies if that is too graphic). Just how long do I have to keep this thing covered for anyhow? How silly am I for not thinking of asking the pdoc that question during our last appointment!

I ended up asking Hubby if he would come to the hospital with me because I was way to chicken to go by myself. He suggested just continuing to cover it until it looked completely healed. Instantly, I grabbed onto that suggestion and decided against the hospital visit (although I still needed to go to the chemist to pick up more dressings. Dammit!)

Anyway, this whole thing about knowing that I had to go out today left me feeling like a frightened rabbit caught in a car's headlights. I so did not want to have to deal with leaving the house and going out in public today.

Despite how I felt, my little trip down to the shopping centre went without any dramas. My anxiety about going out fizzled out when I actually stepped inside the centre. I just focused on what I had to do. I was even able to go into Woolworths and do a full grocery shop. A big "phew" on that one! Now I don't have to bother going out on the weekend. Yay me!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

You Know You Are a Slob When & Dreams

This is a photo of my kitchen this morning after I had almost filled the dishwasher with dirty dishes. How lazy am I! I haven't been bothered to get off my butt to clean the kitchen in a few days. There were even a couple of drowned cockroaches in the dirty frying pan. OMG! Foul! Talk about your lack of motivation! Bad me! Bad me!

Anyway, with my kitchen rant over and done with, I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that I had entered a sailing tournament which involved sailing between Australia and South America. My yacht was one of the smallest entered and I was terribly unprepared. I had no charts, no compass, no food, not even a spray jacket!

For some bizarre reason, I wasn't the only one to be unprepared for the journey. There was a number of entrants that didn't have the equipment necessary. The tournament boss allowed us 25 minutes before the start of the race to rush around and get ourselves the equipment we needed to sail.

The setting of the dream was just insane! I was very close to the character of Lisa Simpson (what's with that!). My surroundings appeared to be the coastal city in which I grew up. My eldest brother, whom I haven't had any contact with in years, was the taxi driver that offered to drive me to wherever I needed to go to collect the equipment required.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, by the end of the 25 minutes there were still a few of us who hadn't collected what we needed to sail. Despite thinking of just following another yacht across the ocean, I decided not to compete. However, at the very end, I hooked up with another competitor and we decided to sail together in the same yacht.

Ha! Aren't dreams just weird!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Concentration Test for Men

Hubby received this little test via his email this morning. He completed the test but failed miserably. I, of course, passed with flying colours. Mmm ... I wonder what that says about the two of us. Me = ; Hubby = !!

Feel free to download the test by clicking on the image. It's a 237kb pps file. Enjoy!!

Oh, oh ... it's definitely not G rated, so please don't be offended.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Afternoon Escape Attempt

Last night was a bit of a horrid one really. After washing my arm in the shower, I felt the old urges to SH quite strongly. It was something to do with the sight of my arm and the discomfort I felt due to the water hitting the wound. For the first time in a while I actually caught myself thinking about OD'ing again. These thoughts were not suicidal in any way, shape or form. Rather, they were more related to knocking myself out for a day or two.

The OD'ing thoughts kind of scared me a little. As soon as I had finished my shower, I downed my meds, turned off the computer and went to bed. It didn't take that long for the meds to kick in. I was feeling pretty tired last night anyway. After a short while of watching a little TV and trying to concentrate on filling in a crossword puzzle, I was sleepy enough to turn the light out and let myself drift off to sleep. The SH urges were therefore successfully avoided.

After feeling like I did last night, I thought that I should get out of the house this afternoon. Not far from town is our local weir. Every time I have driven out there, it has been deserted so I thought it would be a great place to escape to for a bit of peace and tranquillity and to spend some time alone to collect my thoughts.

The drive out to the weir was promising. Despite there being a section of roadworks, there were hardly any cars on the road. I couldn't believe my eyes as I drove into the weir's carpark however. There were caravans absolutely everywhere. So much for my peaceful escape.

Thankfully though I had thought to take my camera with me so I spent a short time at the weir snapping a few photos.

My heart sank when I saw all the caravans.
Central and northern Queensland is a haven for southern holiday makers during winter.
Go the grey set!

Crocodiles? Eeek!
The weir hosts the local water skiing club. Imagine falling off your skis and coming face to face with a croc. No thanks!

Looking across the weir towards the spill gate.

The other side of the spill gate.

It's a Dog's Life!

I couldn't resist taking these two photos of my sleeping angels today. They just looked so peaceful. Who would know that they are actually devils in disguise.

No wonder my couch is always covered in dog fur!

Monday, August 08, 2005

What The?

I've just reread my previous post and realised how stupid the second last paragraph sounded. What the hell do I mean when I say, "Well, I know I am me, but I'm just not feeling it today."

It's just really, really dumb. I am me, yet my surroundings are just a little surreal. They look just a little too bold or something. My fingers are busy moving across the keyboard to form words, yet these fingers aren't quite mine. Logically I know they are mine, but they just look kind of foreign. What's with that? I don't understand it at all!

As for my thoughts and my actions, it's just not quite me experiencing them. I mean, I know that it has to be me. That is a no-brainer. However, for some reason my thoughts and actions aren't quite mine. I don't feel like I am quite the one acting everything out.

Maybe it's just the "other me" coming back for a quick visit today. Damn, does what I am writing make any sense at all? I think I am just talking crazy talk here. Time to go and have a shower and become real again. Good night!

What to Write About Tonight?

Damn, I really don't know. It's been one lazy day for me, although full of way too much coffee drinking and cigarette smoking.

Basically, all I've done today is sit in front of the computer either chatting or surfing blogs. It's all good of course. I quite like sitting in front of the computer all day chatting and blog surfing. It's kind of what keeps me going these days.

I did manage to get off my butt today to do a few of the bare essentials though. I popped down to the shopping centre to pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes and buy a few more dressings for my masterpiece of an arm. Oh, and I prepared Hubby's crib for his night shift tonight. Apart from fulfilling these tasks and getting up to boil the jug and raid the fridge, that was about it.

As for how I am feeling today ... well, I guess I am doing okay. My mood is pretty average, with nothing really to report, either good or bad. This is going to sound odd, but I've had the slightest sense of not being quite myself today. Everything is just a tad surreal or I am a bit off kilter or something. I dunno. Maybe I just need to get myself off to the optometrist for a new contact lens prescription or something ... to bring my world back into it's proper focus.

Anyway, that has been my day. Highly unproductive, slightly odd, but in the main part, quite okay. Here's to another day.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

A New Look

Well, I caved in. I just couldn't hold out any longer. I changed Crazed & Dark's template today. I needed to do something to brighten my mood afterall.

It's not that I minded my old look at all. In fact I think it fit the atmosphere of this blog rather well. I'd just seen this new template used on a couple of blogs a number of times and I'd always thought it was quite pretty. It's elegant, whilst remaining simple. Best of all, I'll now be able to actually read my blog without running to the bathroom and putting my contact lenses in. Let's face it, the old template was a little hard on the eyes first thing in the morning with its dark background and grey text.

Anyway, thanks to Beccary, the designer of this template. I'm delighted with my new look.

Dark Side of the Moon

"Race towards an early grave"

No prizes for guessing which band's CD I have playing at the moment.

I'm not feeling so chipper today hence me playing this particular CD. I think I'm feeling tired more than anything else though. I hate when Hubby works three day shifts in a row. (So does he, so we have something in common there). By the third day I feel completely exhausted and I am not even the one working the 12 hour shifts. In fact these days I don't even get up with him in the mornings. Instead I prepare his crib and work clothes the night before so all that he has to do is have a quick shower, take his crib out of the fridge and put it into his work bag and then wait for the boys to arrive to pick him up and drive out to the minesite. Because of my Seroquel induced sleep, I am barely even aware of him saying goodbye to me before he leaves. Such is life hey! Sometimes it feels like nothing more than a continuous cycle of mundane events.

Brain Damage

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path
The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Yesterday's Pdoc Appointment & Stuff

Since I didn't summarise yesterday's pdoc appointment during last night's post, I guess I should attempt to write about it tonight. Mind you, I don't really have a lot to write about regarding this appointment.

The pdoc and I did spend quite some time discussing my response to the change of appointment frequency. Because my mind is no better than a sieve, I can't really say exactly what was discussed. However, at one stage I remember telling the pdoc, "This isn't about you," to which he responded that it really was about the both of us. At that point, I began to feel like a self-centred bitch. I could even feel the emotion welling up inside me. It was probably the closest I've ever come to crying during a pdoc appointment, although thankfully I wasn't all that close to breaking down or anything.

It turns out my arm is infected, but not badly so. The pdoc gave me a prescription for a round of antibiotics as well as some cream to lather upon the wound at least once a day. I've got to keep it covered as well, although silly me didn't think to ask for how long. D'oh! Does anybody know how long superficial burns take to heal? The rotten thing is bloody sore and itchy though. I feel like bashing it up against a brick wall! I promise not to however.

The only other thing that I remember the pdoc mentioning was how he believes that I don't have much of a sense of self and that I tend to make fun of myself quite frequently. Bugger hey! It's not the first time he has said this though.

Anyway, I am back to weekly appointments again. Oops. The fortnightly appointments didn't last long, did they! Having said that though, the pdoc is going on holidays for a couple of weeks, so my next appointment isn't until towards the end of the month anyway.

Finally, the good news is that I didn't feel like ploughing into a road train or running off the road during my drive home after yesterday's appointment. That has got to be a good thing!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Cat Pee: The New Air Freshener

OMFG ... the stench!!

Why, oh why do these weird situations involving animals always happen in Hubby's and my house? Okay, so they don't "always" happen, but regularly enough to go, WTF!

Early this morning, just after 1:30, I was awoken by a huge ruckus just outside my bedroom door. Before I could leap out of bed, my Hubby came racing into the room, trying desperately to get our two dogs to follow him. Unfortunately, they had their furry little minds firmly set on something else though, but Hubby did manage to throw the dogs into the bedroom, firmly shutting the door behind him.

That something else that the dogs were fixated upon was a terrified kitty that had somehow made its way into our house and down the hallway only to be confronted by two dogs which really hate night-time visitations by strange cats. Our dogs had obviously accosted the poor, defenseless kitty as it ventured down our hallway.

The trail of destruction led into the bathroom where the cat must have jumped onto the bathroom sink, scooted across the window sill, only to somehow slip past the salivating canines to seek refuge in our extremely cluttered computer room. By doing this, the kitty had toppled over just about everything he could have. In his wake, he left a bottle of baby oil spilt all over the bathroom floor, along with my contacts lens paraphernalia, several combs and brushes and the bathroom matt slowly soaking in the spilt baby oil. Yuck!

Hubby finally rescued the invading kitty from its hideout in the computer room. After a quick inspection for wounds, he released the kitty out into the front yard, far beyond the reach of our dogs.

The only problem with this whole situation (since both the dogs and the kitty weren't hurt) is the disgusting smell that the kitty left us as a memento of his visit. The poor, little thing must have been so terrified that it literally pissed itself in fear. To top that, he must have peed absolutely everywhere because the whole house just stinks of cat pee despite the quick run around I did with the mop this morning before I left for my pdoc appointment. I am so gonna have to fumigate the whole house tomorrow. Ick!

Anyway, our weird animal incidents now include:
  1. Two late night visitations by strange kitties (unfortunately with the same result ... cat pee!) The first visiting kitty left us all scratched though. Dumb cats!
  2. Two incidents involving feral rabbits inside the house. The first one was relatively mild with the dead rabbit being found in the spare room after we noticed that all our pets were taking way to much notice of the spare room. Yuck! The second was a little more disgusting. Hubby and I were woken up in the middle of the night with Shakara (my Australian Shepherd) chowing down on a feral rabbit in our bed. Double yuck!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

My First Meme!

I've been tagged for my first ever meme. Woohoo! I'm gonna kill you, blogaholic.

Anyway, here goes ...

10 years ago: 1995 was a big year for me ... lots of firsts. I graduated with a Bachelor of Community Welfare from JCU. I was 24 and getting used to living and working (in my first social welfare job) in my first mining town.

5 years ago: Mmm ... let me see. I was living in the same town in which I am now. I was newly engaged. I started working at my local high school as a teacher aide.

1 year ago: Oh, last year was my "dark year". I was in the grip of depression, tried to off myself a few times and was just about to meet my pdoc for the first time during my first hospital stay. Mmm ... lots of "firsts" there too.

Yesterday: My Monday was a quiet, average day. I spent a lot of time sitting in front of the computer chatting and surfing blogs and drinking way too much coffee. I actually did get up off my butt at one stage and threw a load of laundry in the washing machine.

Today: See yesterday!

Tomorrow: Visiting the "semi-big smoke" for my pdoc appointment and a browse around the shops.

5 snacks I enjoy: coffee (can I call that a snack?), chocolate, crackers and cheese, frozen coke, icecream.

5 bands that I know the lyrics of most of their songs: Pink Floyd, Pink Floyd, Pink Floyd, Pink Floyd and Pink Floyd.

5 things I would do with $100 000 000: Oh man ... wouldn't it be great to be filthy rich! Ummm, let me think. I'd pay off Hubby's and my bills. Then I would buy a nice house on a few acres somewhere that is actually a nice place to live. Next I would give some money to a couple of friends and a couple of family members so that they could pay off their debts and live somewhere nice. With that huge amount of money I wouldn't feel right without donating some of it to a few charities, e.g. guide dogs, RSPCA and maybe World Vision. Finally, I would shop like there is no tomorrow.

5 locations that I would like to run away to: I only need three options here. Firstly, New Zealand's gorgeous south island, secondly, Australia's Snowy Mountains or finally, some place where I could live without close neighbours but within a few hours drive of a really big shopping centre and some friends.

5 bad habits I have: Oh, do I have to answer this one truthfully? Laziness, farting (hey, who doesn't!), swearing too much, giggling inappropriately (think Dr Hibbert on the Simpsons), oh and of course smoking.

5 things I like doing: blogging, chatting on the Net, surfing the Net (eek ... there is a theme emerging here!), spending time with my furry kids and finally having coffee with friends.

5 things I would never wear: a bikini (I just wouldn't put the citizens of the world through that), pj's in public (that's just WRONG), thong underwear (my butt crack would get too hungry), low rise jeans and a crop top (again just WRONG if you aren't built like a professional swimmer), body art (love the look on others, but far too woosy to get any myself).

5 TV shows I like: Monk, Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Law and Order SVU and Australian Idol.

5 movies I like: Good Will Hunting, Girl Interrupted, A Beautiful Mind, Erskinville Kings (gritty Aussie B grade drama with Hugh Jackman) and Shrek.

5 famous people I'd like to meet: Umm ... no one really. Perhaps all the members, both past and current, of Pink Floyd.

5 biggest joys at the moment: Oh gawd, that's a tough question. Probably Nikita and Shakara, my two dogs and Captain, my cat. That's about all.

I am tagging: Joey and Mothman (come on Mothy ... you know that you want to have an excuse to talk about yourself!)

Monday, August 01, 2005

Some Reflection

I'm coming up to my first pdoc appointment in a couple of weeks this coming Wednesday. I guess it is time then to engage in a tiny bit of reflection about the past fortnight.

The first week after my last appointment was quite "interesting", primarily due to what I can only surmise to be my disappointment with what I thought therapy could do for a person, and of course, the SH becoming an issue again. I'm happy to say that the frequency and ferocity of my SH has dwindled quite significantly over the past four days or so. I've actually had a couple of days where I haven't burned at all, which has got to be a good thing. My arm is drying out and becoming incredibly itchy which is a bit of a bitch, however that is what one gets when they engage in SH I guess.

In regards to my feelings of disappointment with the reality of therapy, I haven't been focusing on that for quite a number of days now. In essence, it has become a non-issue again ... sort of like, "Hey, you can't do anything about it, so quit giving a toss." I still secretly wish that therapy could have been some sort of magic wand, but I realise now that it will never be and my life will essentially continue on as it is now and I better get used to it. I can only wait and see if it regains it's issue status after my next appointment.

The second week saw an improvement to how I had been feeling. My mood brightened. I can't think of anything significant to write about how I have felt during these past handful of days. Perhaps the only thing worth noting was that I woke up this morning feeling slightly out of step with myself. You know the times when you wake up with something similar to a hang over or something and the world just seems a little blurry and you feel a bit out of touch with it? That was my morning. This feeling only lasted for a few hours though, so by lunch time I had been "realigned" with myself. Apart from that, this past week has been an average one.

So, that is my tiny bit of reflection. I see the pdoc this coming Wednesday and then it will be another three weeks until I see him next because he is taking a couple of weeks holiday. The lucky bugger is always taking holidays, but I bet in his line of work, they are sorely needed.