"It is impossible to know who we are unless we can remember where we’ve come from (Middleton, 2005). We are defined by the journey that thus far has brought us to here. The more readily we can access the past that shaped us, the more that we can own and share with those we trust the feelings and vulnerabilities that have accrued from our life experience, then the more likely it is that we will be empathically receptive to others. The less we have 'no go' zones in terms of what has happened to us or the feelings associated with such events, the more likely it is that we will have assembled functional personal boundaries, affective stability, healthy self-esteem and be self-activated enough to aim high in the pursuit of love, work and play. The capacity to remember, and the capacity to process pain lie close together."
(Middleton, 2006. p.23)
Last night and this morning I have been doing some "light" reading (a whole 112 pages worth ... eek!). When I googled "dissociation and depression in the non-traumatized population" I stumbled across a paper, written by the Australian psychiatrist Warwick Middleton (whom I was actually "head shrinked" by when I stayed in a Brissie hospital for a few weeks a couple of years ago), entitled "Reconstructing the Past: Trauma, Memory and Therapy". It is actually a background paper to a seminar he held earlier this year representing an extension to the exploration of some themes covered in the paper: Middleton W, De Marni Cromer L, Freyd JJ (2005). Remembering the past, anticipating the future. Australasian Psychiatry,13:3, 223-233. My pdoc gave me a copy of that particular article a few months ago (which reminds me, I have to get the thing back to him) in order for me to gain a better understanding of dissociation which, unfortunately, it didn't. (Hello? Where's my traumatic background? Did I traumatise myself by overdosing or something? Why does everything I read have to be related to trauma? It doesn't make any sense for my situation. There has got to be something out there that I can relate to ... surely).
Anyway, why am I quoting the above text? In a sick, perverted way I almost wish that I did have some sort of past trauma to contend with (my apologies to anyone who has lived through the hell of an abusive situation). If that were the case then it would give some meaning or reason to the way that I am now. Depressed ... yep. Dissociative ... I don't know. Traumatised ... nope. It just doesn't make sense.
"The less we have 'no go' zones in terms of what has happened to us or the feelings associated with such events, the more likely it is that we will have assembled functional personal boundaries, affective stability, healthy self-esteem and be self-activated enough to aim high in the pursuit of love, work and play."
Yes please! I wish I felt stable. I wish I had a healthy self-esteem. I wish I was self-activated (actualized ?) enough to aim high in the pursuit of love, work and play. Sounds great, doesn't it? These things sound like the ingredients to a happy, healthy and productive life.
Instead I am sitting here wondering why the hell I am so useless, thinking that Hubby would be much better off with someone else besides me in his life, and wondering why I have been reacting so negatively (especially in relation to my pdoc's therapeutic endeavours ... medication and otherwise) over these past couple of weeks.
The scary thing is that there is no causal relationship with anything for me. I am the way I am. The old argument of nature vs nurture (did I do too many psych 101 classes or what!) appears to tip significantly to the side of nature in my case and I don't like that. It means that I am a flawed individual who just needs to pull herself up by the boot straps, stop whinging and whining and get on with life. Mmmm!
Anyway, I have been thinking way, way too much since my last pdoc appointment. I have today and tomorrow in which to finish my TAFE work for the term otherwise I will fail. There is no doubt about it, I need to spend today finishing off the last of my TAFE work. Anyone got the recipe to turning off the wandering mind and focusing on what has to be done?
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