Happy Birthday Joey!!

*Clears throat for oncoming song*

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Jooooeeeeeyyyyyy
Happy birthday to you!

Why was she born so beautiful?
Why was she ....

Oh dammit ... enough with the singing already. Happy birthday Jo.

I'll Be Requiring Lunch

I've never worked in the hospitality industry, so I've never had anyone say to me, "I'll be requiring lunch." That is, up until yesterday when the words came out of my husband's mouth. Worse still, these words were directed to me like I was some sort of waitress.

I don't remember how I responded to Hubby's demand. Most likely, I stood there like a stunned mullet with my mouth gaping so wide that I could have swallowed all the flies in the Australian outback in one great gulp. After I regained some of my composure, I probably uttered my usual response to similar requests, that is, "You have two arms, two legs, a brain and a heartbeat ... you do it". (Notice the differentiation between request and demand here). I had a scheduled appointment to take the dogs for a hydrobath at midday anyway. Hubby knew that.

Okay, I'm a stay-at-home housewife with no kids to look after. Hubby is in full-time employment. In this case, I should be the one running the household. It's only fair. However, I take exception to being addressed as some sort of servant. I mean, what in hell was Hubby thinking when he said that to me. Talk about being put in your place. From now on, just call me June Cleaver. Geez!

During a recent post, I indicated that I used to be politically correct. Well, I used to be a feminist too. What in the hell has happened to me?

Feeling Better Again

My mood finally started to pick up today. Woohoo! I caught myself dancing around the kitchen this afternoon singing silly, made-up-on-the-spot songs to my cat and dogs. Please tell me that I am not the only person in the world to do that sort of thing!

I'm still struggling a little with the whole SH thing. Hopefully as my mood improves the desire will lessen.

Here's to the new, brighter mood though!

Every Girl Needs One

I came across this during my blog surfing today. I gotta admit that I really want one now. Do you think Hubby would mind?

Mmm ... and to think that there once was a time when I was politically correct. Eek!

Aussie Idol Has Begun

My name is disso_k and I am an Australian Idol addict.

Well, the first episode of this year's Australian Idol was on telly tonight and I am already completely into it. How sad is that?

Tonight Channel 10 televised the auditions from my home town and state, Brisbane Queensland. (Don't worry, I'm not revealing where I live. It's been ages since I actually lived in Brissie). I had no idea just how many really bad singers lived in Queensland! Mind you, there were quite a few really, really good singers too. In fact, the Sunshine State has given Aussie Idol 40 of the ultimate top 100 that will continue their auditions in Sydney. What a talented lot us Queenslanders are!

This year's new judge, Kyle Sandilands, looks like he will be absolutely ruthless though. I'd hate to audition in front of him. Then again, me auditioning for Aussie Idol just isn't gonna happen, considering I'm too old and can't sing to save myself!

My favourite line from the night came from a comment by Kyle Sandilands to a particular bleached blonde contestant. He said, "You've got a Paris Hilton thing happening." She responded with, "I do get that a lot of times, but I just thank god I'm attractive". How confident was she! I wonder if she can actually sing.

Needing Those Flowers & Bunnies

and ... and

I'm not doing so well today. Can someone please explain to me why changing pdoc appointment frequencies completely messes with your head. Is it in fact the reason why I am feeling so crappy, or am I just spiralling downwards for the fun of it? I don't like myself too much at the moment.

Today I slept until around midday. I spent the next few hours walking around in a fog. To break out of my funk, I sorted out all the monthly bills and spent a while paying them all via the telephone. Fun right? The fog has lifted, but I am still not feeling crash hot. SH still remains an issue too dammit.

Joey, I think I need some of your happy tabaccy. Feel like sharing? Please?

My Step-Mother is a Nag!

My step-mother must be the biggest nag I have ever met in my entire life. She nags me, she nags my father and I'm sure that she probably nags my little brother and all her friends as well. You know what though? I absolutely love it!

Ever since my last hospital stay (I've really got to stop mentioning that), she has been phoning me almost religiously on a Sunday night. During each and every phone call she manages to nag me about something. She nags me about smoking too much, that I should be getting more exercise and that when I feel low I should get off my butt and do something to take my mind off things. Now that is incredibly sound advice but now that I am getting used to hearing it every week, I groan secretly to myself every time the phone rings on a Sunday night. She really doesn't get the whole self-destructive thing. By the end of the phone call however, I am back to thinking that she is such an incredible woman.

A bit of history ... My step-mother and my father married back in 1986. I was sixteen at the time. By that stage I had already left school, was working and no longer saw my father every weekend like I did after he and my mother divorced and I was younger. Consequently I don't think I actually visited her and my father all that often. Looking back now, I have absolutely no idea why. I guess it was just one of those things.

When I was admitted into hospital last time, my friend (*C*) contacted my father and step-mother and let them know what was going on in my life. Prior to *C*'s phone call they really had no idea of my depression and stuff because, well, Hubby and I just hadn't told them. At that stage, we only exchanged Christmas and birthday cards and perhaps spoke on the telephone a couple of times a year.

Because of *C*'s contact with my father and step-mother, I found out that my father was shattered after the divorce from my mother. My father did not tell *C* exactly why this was the case. All that he would tell her was that it took him several years after the divorce to "get over" whatever had happened. I haven't been game to ask him more about it yet, although hopefully one day I will gain enough courage to ask him what exactly my mother's and his marriage was like.

Anyway, I have digressed a little from the point of this post. From that point on, my family and I have been keeping in regular contact. I've discovered how special a person my step-mother is. I have no doubt that she is the reason my father is a much happier person. She must also be a wonderful mother because my little brother is just a magic young man.

I can't help but wish that she had been my mother or that she had met my father early enough so that I could have grown up with her. Just think. I could have actually turned out to be a sane, normal person. Imagine that!

Sounding More and More Insane (Heavy Post / Possible Triggers)

I'm beginning to hate writing posts that make me sound completely nuts, but I am afraid that this is going to be another one of those sorts of posts. Sometimes I just don't understand my thought processes or for that matter, my behaviour.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to talk about SH again. What makes someone do it? "They" say that is indicative of some sort of past trauma. However I don't think I have made any secret of my disdain regarding that concept in relation to my life experiences. Am I scared to admit that something wasn't alright in my past? I don't know. Only time will really tell I guess. I don't really see any past hurts or whatever as the key to my current "problems" however. I don't even know if I really have any current problems. Is that just the epitome of denial? Dammit, I don't know.

So why am I doing it again? I had almost gotten over it. Any SH that I had done since my last hospital stay (which was months ago now) had been so superficial it hadn't been worth doing. With the new medication I was on, I felt more with it, more myself. Initially I missed the ability to SH "properly", but it soon became evident that I didn't really need to do it anymore. But now, since Wednesday, I am burning again. Apart from the initial, "Ow, that really hurts," I am almost enjoying it. It's sick I know, but I almost like the sensation. I almost like the marks that I leave. Now that I have conquered the fear of pain again, I'm finding it very, very easy to do.

Gawd, this should be a problem for me. I guess just the fact that I am writing about it indicates that it is a problem. I just can't see it that way though. It's just something that I do, no matter how dumb it is. *Sigh* I don't have any answers.

Damn I write some heavy posts. Sorry about that. I just need to get stuff out at times. I probably should get out of that habit and start focusing on flowers and bunnies or something. Mmmm.

Thought Provoking Quote

I came across the following quote during my blog surfing today:

Fear not that thy life shall come to an end,
but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning.
(John Henry Cardinal Newman)

Okay, I must admit my ignorance. I have no idea who John Henry Cardinal Newman is. How true is his quote though!

I feel like I have had so many false starts in my life. Each of these starts have led to nowhere. I guess the first of these false starts was leaving school and getting a job. At that time of a young person's life, the world is her oyster, right. However for me it seemed to lead to years of feeling worthless and my first period of depression.

Then in order to try to change my life I went to uni. I still struggled with a low sense of self worth during this time. However, for me attending uni was stimulating. My mind blossomed. I started to gain a sense of what I believed in and where I wanted my life to go.

The dream didn't last long though. I wasn't a successful social welfare worker. My ideals didn't mesh with the reality of the work. I doubted my abilities just as I had when I was working in administration. I had very real reasons to doubt my abilities too. In short, I sucked. I had been chasing ghosts.

So where to from there? I met a wonderful man, moved away from the city of my birth to be with him and eventually married. Getting married should be the ultimate start of one's life, should it not? But, for some reason, the depression hit me for a six. My life stopped. I lost everything that I had ever believed in. I became a non-person living in a world that never actually existed.

Essentially my life has never actually begun. I have no idea how to begin it either. Will it begin when Hubby finally retires and we get to move somewhere which is actually a nice place to live, away from horrible mining towns? Hubby thinks that it will, but I don't think I can actually last that long.

I'm not even exactly sure that I want to try to kick start my life again. My hopes have been dashed too many times. I can't handle another failure.

So, according to John Henry Cardinal Newman the greatest fear in life is that it will never actually begin. I have news for him. Some people's lives never really begin despite the illusion that they do. The false starts continue until the person cannot take anymore.

Ah-Choo, Cough Cough

Bugger, bum, pooh!! It looks like I have finally succumbed to Hubby's little cold. There's nothing like sharing between loved ones, hey! I've slept all day and am generally feeling pretty blah. It's nothing that a few cold and flu tablets and heaps of honey & lemon tea won't fix though (I hope). Cough cough. Sniff sniff.

What's the Fucking Point?

Seriously, what is the fucking point of psychiatrist appointments because I as sure as hell can't see one. I've been faithfully attending weekly pdoc appointments since the beginning of the year, with the exception of his holidays and a hospital stay. Nothing has been achieved. Sure, the change to Lexapro has helped my general mood, but honestly, I've had a fucking gutful of this shit.

What's the fucking point? I sit in the pdoc's room saying nothing and avoiding eye contact as much as possible. It's not that I am trying to be difficult or anything. I just don't have a hell of a lot to say. I DON'T have some sort of half-hidden trauma in my background. I don't know if he is waiting for me to spill my guts and gush out some story about a sinister past. It's got me fucked what he wants me to bloody say. It's not gonna happen though. No sinister past exists. Sure, my mother was a raving fucking lunatic and we didn't get on during my latter teens, but that is the end of the story. Nothing else to say.

What's the fucking point? During the appointment today, he tells me that I am important. Yeah right ... about as important as one of the fleas that hop onto my dogs on occasion and they as sure as shit don't last that long. He tells me that he is concerned about me feeling worse after an appointment and that he doesn't want to push it. I guess that is because of my reasonably regular death wishes on the drive home. I can't fucking help those though. I have them when I have them. End of story!

What's the fucking point of self harm? I spent the best part of my drive home this evening stubbing cigarettes out on my lower forearm. It felt bloody good too! What's with that? What does it achieve? Nothing other than my arm is probably gonna start hurting like shit later on tonight.

What's the fucking point? Because he doesn't want to push me (apparently), he's cutting back our appointments to fortnightly from now on. What does it matter if the frequency of appointments is weekly, fortnightly, monthly or fucking yearly come to think of it. They achieve nothing. It's a waste of his and my time!

Do I sound frustrated? Well, that's because I am! They dangle a carrot in front of your face when they refer you to a pdoc. You think, "Finally, things might actually change", then nothing does. What is the fucking point?

Tuesday Summary

I've nothing earth shattering to write about tonight so I'm afraid that this is going to be a boring old "what I did today" post. Even though it is still early, I'm feeling way too tired to even attempt to be entertaining. Oh well. Maybe next time.

It's been a bit of a social day today I guess. *J* rang this morning and we chatted for ages. She was procrastinating about going to work and she was doing a wonderfully good job at it too. She eventually did make it to work today though. We spoke for a while on the phone tonight as well.

After I got off the phone, I went around to *C*'s place to see her new puppy which she had picked up from a dog show on the weekend. After being really excited about the arrival of her new furry kid, I had completely forgotten about it until she rang earlier this morning and started to tell me about everything he had been up to since his arrival. What's with the forgetting all about it? My mind is swiss cheese!

Anyway, *C* and I spent ages playing with her new puppy. German Shepherd puppies are just adorable in general and Yogi was certainly no exception. He's very cute, very friendly and he has incredibly sharp little puppy teeth! Hopefully he will grow up to be a stunner and do well in the confirmation ring.

After being mauled to death by Yogi and his older newly adopted brother and sister, I made my way home, chatted on the phone for a while, and did a load of laundry. So today has been nothing to write home about, although the social contact was good of course. Emotions-wise I am feeling okay tonight I guess ... just an average mood ... not up or down. Gotta be happy with that I suppose. My pdoc appointment is tomorrow so I'll see how I go from there.

Elizabethan Collar Dog ... RAOFLMAO

Poor, poor Shakara! I'm such a mean furry kid mummy. I've been laughing so hard since Hubby put Shakara's new Elizabethan collar on her, my stomach is starting to hurt. Doesn't she strike the cutest pose even with her embarrassing collar on though?

Anyhow, I bit the bullet today and took Shakara over to our nearest, half-decent town to visit the vet. Despite using my first-aid home remedies, her paws hadn't seemed to have gotten any better. To cut a long story short, we are back home now with a heap of antibiotics and a brand new collar to stop her licking and nibbling at her paws.

Shakara was such a good girl at the vet surgery. Even though her paws have been incredibly tender, she let the vet poke around at her feet without any dramas. Shakara can be quite reserved with people she doesn't know, so I was very proud of her. Mind you, once the vet gave her a great chunk of dried liver, I think she made a friend for life.

The drive over to the nearest town was an event in itself. I'm still not in the brightest of moods. I guess a two-hour round trip in a car is not the best idea when one is feeling quite crappy. The mind wanders far too much. I found it difficult to keep myself in the here and now, especially on the drive over. Anxiety was certainly brimming at the surface. I don't know why the thought of having to be out of the house and conversing with a stranger scares me so much. After all, everything works at fine in the end, doesn't it. Weird and frustrating!

Sometimes you see the most amazing things when driving along the highway though. I passed a guy rollerblading with his little cart down the shoulder of the highway. Now that is something you don't see everyday! How scary would it be rollerblading on a highway, particularly since the road in question is just a two lane country highway that caters for all sorts of vehicles ... cars, caravans and the most scary of all, whopping big semi trailers and road trains. Man, that guy must be brave. I'd be too worried about getting flattened by a truck. Eek!

My Cat's a Fiend!

Oh my god!!!! My cat has done his most disgusting deed ever!! (Actually, maybe not the most disgusting deed ever ... there is a couple of instances with feral rabbits that I could write about).

Hubby and I were sitting on the couch in our loungeroom when we saw the cat walk through the kitchen. I only saw him walk through out of the corner of my eye, so I didn't realise that anything was out of order.

However, suddenly Hubby exclaims, "You won't believe this!" while motioning out to the kitchen. Instantly, I think that the cat has bought something horrible into the house and desperately try to get Hubby to go into the kitchen to save whatever little critter the cat had brought in. Much to my surprise (eerrr ... disgust really), Hubby disappears into the kitchen only to reappear with a very dead galah in his hands. Eek!!

Now, galahs aren't small birds. It was almost as big as the cat himself. Yikes! Where on earth did he find that?? Yuck! Poor galah.

Me? Do a TV Show Review? No Way!

I can't help myself though. I just love the TV show Monk.

Okay, I promise that I am not going to sit here and tell you all about the show. If you've never seen it and want to know more about the show, just click here.

All that I want to say is that the show is magic. I love to sit down in front of the TV on a Saturday night and watch it. It's quirky. It's funny. It can be incredibly touching. And this is probably my most favourite reason to watch Monk. The main character is way loopier than I am.

I wonder how many other people out there watch the show for that reason? Mmmm.

Catch Me I'm Falling

I'm having trouble shaking this lowered mood. Today I've had this emotional ache thing happening in my chest. It's not a real physical ache but it is there nevertheless. I've also indulged in a little bit of lighter play. It's nothing serious. My lighter play never is. I'm getting tired of this "blueness" already though. I've only revisited it for such a short time but it is already becoming very old.

Links & Moods

Updating My Blogs Links List

I'm thinking of adding a few more links over on the side bar to blogs that I've started to regularly read. After just a month in the blogging world, I'm really starting to enjoy visiting other people's blogs. My bookmarks are already getting messy though, so I thought I would just add the links to my fav blog list for ease of browsing. If you find a link to your blog has magically appeared over there and you would rather it not be listed, feel free to drop me an email and I'll delete the link with no worries. And thanks all you wonderful people out in blog land. I am now a totally addicted blog browser.

Update on the Mood Situation

I'm still feeling pretty blah today unfortunately. Things aren't too bad. I'm not really depressed or anything. I guess I am just missing the good mood that I enjoyed for a while there. I'm trying to look at this lowering of mood realistically. Just because I'm not feeling so hot at the moment, doesn't mean that it is a start of a downward spiral or anything, right? Time to just take things as they come I guess.

Almost Time for the Vet I Think

Shakara, my Aussie has a new nickname ... Hop-a-long. My baby has been licking one of her paws so much that she has developed a sore on one of her pads. The poor, little thing is hopping around on three legs. Now she has started licking her other hind paw. So far I have been trying the home remedies, but it looks like it may be time for a trip to the vet. Bummer. I'll see what her paws look like in the morning.

Thursday's Almost Done

It's been a really mixed day. I have gone from feeling incredibly down to feeling a little brighter.

This morning I awoke far from happy and content. My mood was quite dark. I just didn't feel like breathing. Ideas related to that fact were floating through my mind. (Great, they've started again ... not good). I felt a little like death warmed up because it is the crampy time of the month. Basically, I guess I was just feeling miserable both physically and mentally. Yuck!

This afternoon, however, my mood started lifting a little. The dogs had a hydrobath date at their Auntie Chris' place. After we finished their baths, I hung around and chatted with Chris over a couple of cups of coffee. We concentrated on what had been going on in her and her family's life over the past week or so since I saw her last. I left her place feeling a little better.

Earlier tonight my friend from down south phoned. She really has so much crap going on in her life at the moment, it is not funny. Although she was feeling far from flash herself, we laughed about god-knows-what. As a result of this conversation my mood lifted a little further. Thanks J, you really are my saviour!

Anyway as a result of today's social contact I am feeling almost normal tonight. I guess it just goes to show how important our friends are to our lives. Thanks guys. I can only hope that I wake up tomorrow feeling better again.

Taken Over by the Airhead

Without the mask,
Where will you hide.
Can't find yourself,
Lost in your mind.

Okay, I know that looks a lot like a couple of lines from an Evanescence song (in case you are wondering, it's from "Everybody's Fool"). Yes, I know that I have changed the last word. I apologise profusely, but those four lines pretty much sum up how I am feeling tonight.

I came to a realisation during my pdoc appointment today. I'm not sure if it is a particularly healthy one, but it holds quite a bit of meaning for me. You see, way back at the beginning of all this mental health crap my biggest fear was in order to get "better" I would have to lose my ability to really think. Today I realised that yes, I am feeling better and it is all because I have lost this ability. I can't pinpoint when this occurred but the airhead has definitely taken me over. I have lost the substance that was me. Great! It appears that I failed at the one last thing that I was holding onto. Wonderful! Dammit.

This is all tied to the admittedly stupid belief that one can only be happy living this life when s/he does so on a superficial level. If one thinks too hard or deeply about life s/he will soon realise that it doesn't mean squat. There is no "higher plan", no "life purpose". Life is only about eating, breathing, reproducing and then dying. There is nothing more to it. That's it.

From the start though, this has not been enough for me. I just can't reconcile with that fact. What's the point of making plans for a future when life is just the great lie that I always suspected it to be. During the appointment today, the pdoc asked me where to from here. I honestly haven't got a clue. The only way I can continue is to not think, to let the airhead be who I really am.

Damn! I was right all along.

Time For a Bit of Reflection

I have my weekly pdoc appointment tomorrow. Recently, I haven't been writing all that much about how I have been going. Tonight then, I guess I should sit back for a bit and reflect on this past week.

So how have things been this week really? The first word that comes to mind is busy, primarily due to the visit from Hubby's mate from Victoria. From Wednesday through to Saturday, Hubby, visitor and I just didn't stop. It was certainly different to keep busy for those few days seeing the sights of our local region. I enjoyed (?) the opportunity to take numerous photos of our travels.

During the visit however, I found my mood to be quite changeable. To call a spade a spade, I was actually quite a moody bitch during this time. I was easily irritated (see "It Had to Happen ... Husband Rant" for clues). To be fair though, when I am feeling worn out I am quick to feel annoyed and generally bitch and moan. It's something that I am acutely aware of, so I do try to keep things in check with varying degrees of success.

Since the end of Hubby's mate's visit, I almost feel like I have been recuperating from all the rushing around. I've kept things very quiet. I've done little housework (Hubby's been on night shift anyway). Come to think of it, I haven't even left the house. This has suited me just fine.

One thing that I have neglected to mention here since it happened, was a phone call from my family on Sunday night. My step-mother, bless her, is really at me to look after my health a little more. For countless months I have been smoking like a chimney and it definitely shows. I have also put on a bucket load of weight. These two things combined mean I am breathing like a 90 year old with emphysema. It's something that hasn't really bothered me to date, and when I sit back and think about it now as I am typing, it still doesn't bother me. Hey, I know that this sounds stupid, but I have had a death wish for so long that it is just how my brain works these days no matter how good I am feeling within myself. Probably the cheeriest slant I can give to this situation is that I wish I was a little fitter. Not because I want to live forever (I want to live the shortest time possible), but because for the time I have left to live, it would be nice to be able to not struggle to breathe so much when I, for instance, have to go for a walk to a lookout or something.

Anyway, I could go on forever but I am conscious of the time because I want to get to bed really early tonight. I guess the point of this post is that my current mixture of meds is still working to satisfaction. I'm feeling fine. I'm feeling pretty much myself. However, I don't love life by any stretch of the imagination. If someone put a gun to my head tomorrow I'm not sure if I would plead for my life, say, "Go ahead, pull the trigger ... I don't care," or just stand there with a look of confusion on my face.

Like a Kid With a New Toy (Part 1)

Okay, I know this post is kind of corny, but I couldn't help myself. Since seeing Google Earth mentioned in tonight's news, I have been madly playing with the program. I found the actual house I lived in as a kid. The city was just so detailed I couldn't believe it! Much to my surprise, I also found the town in which I live now (pictured). The image is no where near as detailed, but it's still pretty cool.

Like a Kid With a New Toy (Part 2)

Here's the second image from my time playing with Google Earth tonight. This one is of Hubby's workplace. Yep, it's the dreaded coal mine. It's actually the biggest coal mine in the southern hemisphere which I suppose is pretty spec.

(Help Joey, I've been living in this town too long. I'm so beginning to sound like I actually enjoy it ... eek!)

It Had to Happen ... Husband Rant

I've been keeping this blog for a month now and all this time I have been very good and not written a husband whinge post. That is, up until tonight. Sorry Hubby, but sometimes a wife just has to let off a bit of steam. So here we go.

Why is it that husbands (or is it just men in general) do the following, extremely annoying things:

1. Yell from the other end of the house, "Come here!" Now, there is no mention of the magic word (i.e. please), no consideration for what we may be doing at the time, nothing!! Note for all husbands out there ... it is much more appropriate to say, "Would you mind coming here please, Hunny". Got it! Good! Say it!
   
2. Pick their noses in the car, right in front of us. I'm not talking about a quick in and out pick here. That's acceptable between loved ones in my book. I'm talking about a picking marathon. Guys, you look like you are mining for gold when you do this! Even more disgusting is wiping the boogers on your jeans in between the picks. I do your washing remember. Boogers on jeans are a no go. Yuck! Stop it! Use a tissue!
   
3. Call out in the middle of your shower, "Where's the soap?" Come on, you know where the soap is. If there is none in the holder, then there is a bar or two in the bathroom cupboard. Get it yourself! You are already in the bathroom! If all else fails, you have a selection of shower gel in the shower caddy. Use it! It works too.
4. In the middle of getting dressed, yell up the hallway, "I've got no underwear!" I've got news for you. You do ... it's in the drawer. Again, if all else fails there is a basket of clean clothes in the bedroom. Look in there. You might just be surprised at what you find.
5. Powering ahead of us when we are out in public with you. Generally, woman are not over 6ft. We can't match your strides. Wait for us please! We like to be seen with our husbands!
6. If you choose to do some housework, don't take it on like it is a personal insult to you. We can manage to do a bit of housework without yelling out all the swear words. Believe us, you can too.
   

Phew. I feel better now. I've let off my steam and have calmed down. Remember guys, we really do love you.

Unkymoods is Back!

Happy happy joy joy!!

Still So Very Tired

I'm still feeling completely exhausted from the few days visiting our local region with our southern visitor in tow. Hubby, visitor and I never stopped! It was such a whirlwind tour. We farewelled our visitor yesterday afternoon at "semi big smoke's" airport. Visitor is a great bloke, it was a lovely visit, but I am glad he is gone so I can now catch up with some sleep.

Poor Hubby woke up this morning with what appears to be a touch of the flu. He's been fighting it off for a couple of days, but it seems to have taken hold of him now. Unfortunately he had to work today too. We woke up to a member of his car crew banging on our front door. Thank goodness that this bloke did bang on our front door. Both Hubby and I had snored right through no less than 3 alarm clocks going off. We are good at that .... eek!

After racing around preparing Hubby's crib and trying to wake him up properly so he could have a shower before work, I went straight back to bed. I must have fell straight back to sleep because I can't even remember Hubby leaving for work. It wasn't until around 4:30 this afternoon that I opened my eyes again. There's nothing like sleeping the day away!

Since waking, I've been stumbling around in a fog trying to come back to life. Mind you, I'm not going to try that hard. I've got great plans to have myself an early night tonight and sleep for hours and hours non-stop. I am such a sloth!

Doing the Tourist Thing

Hubby and I have been playing tourists in our own backyard over the past couple of days. We've been showing our southern visitor some of the sights of rural Queensland. It's been a couple of full-on days so we are all absolutely exhausted.

I've been madly snapping photos from our travels though. It's so rare that I actually get the opportunity to take photographs of my local area. Below is a selection of photos from our travels.

Photo 1 - Dog Trialling

On Thursday, we visited our local Ag-Grow Field Days exhibition. Essentially, Ag-Grow showcases the services which are applicable to the farming community. Exhibits included machinery, cattle, horses, dog trialling, clothing, jewellery among other things. Being the dog freak that I am, I was drawn to the dog trialling. I loved watching the dogs and their handlers move the cattle through the circuit.

Photo 2 - Dam

After we left Ag-Grow, we headed over to the other side of town to check out the local dam. Sadly, the water level is incredibly down. We really need a heap of rain. I had no idea just how bad the drought was.

Photo 3 - Rear Dump

Today we visited one of our town's coal mines. Hubby has worked at the mine for close to 14 years now. This photo shows my hubby and our visitor next to one of the mine's rear dump trucks. These things are massive. Hubby is 6ft 3in. I'd hate to hazard a guess on the height of the truck.

Photo 4 - Shovel Loading Rear Dump

Here's a photo of a rear dump being loaded by one of the mine's shovels. It was taken in one of the pre-strip areas where the machinery are removing the dirt above the coal seams. After the dirt (I think it is called the overburden ... gonna have to ask Hubby for the specifics) is removed, then mining come in and move all the coal over to the washplant. From there the coal is moved out by trains to a port for export.

Photo 5 - Rear Dumps on Circuit

Another photo from the prestrip area.

Photo 6 - Dragline

Think the rear dumps look big? You should try one of these things ... a dragline. The boom on this machine is just shy of 100m long. At present this thing is shifting up to 600 buckets of dirt in a 12-hour shift. I'm not sure of the tonnage. I'll have to ask Hubby.

Pdoc Appointment

My hubby and I travelled to the 'semi-big smoke' today. He had a friend from Victoria flying in for a few days visit whom we had to pick up from the airport. I had my usual appointment with my pdoc this afternoon.

My pdoc appointment was very different today to what it usually is. I was still feeling pretty good within myself today, so that was certainly a plus. Once I entered his office though, I turned into some sort of dumb-blonde / pollyanna type person. I felt like I couldn't tune into anything remotely serious and that I was almost evading answering any of his questions properly with a laugh. I don't think I was doing this deliberately at first. However, further into the appointment I realised that behaving in this way was helping me to stay in a reasonably good mood and not become down.

I don't know how helpful being like that was, but hey, it worked for today. I didn't want to be all gloomy on the drive home since my hubby and his mate were with me this time. Usually I drive into the "semi-big smoke" alone.

So, for the first time in ... well, forever, I didn't feel like I wanted to drive into a truck on the way home from my appointment or that I was off in some sort of fairy land. That's got to be a plus, right? And now that I am home, had a beer and something to eat, I still feel quite good.

Maybe this past week has really been a turning point for me and things are going to stay alright. Gawd, I can hardly believe it. Someone pinch me.

An Accidental Life

Tonight, I stumbled upon the following poem written by melodyann and appearing on her website "Searchin' For a Rainbow". I find myself identifying with much that melodyann has written in her poem. Anyway, have a read. I'll let the poem speak for itself (and for me).

An Accidental Life

I think that I was never meant to be
An accident that happened, actually
There's no place for me, no purpose, no past
Nor promise of a future that will last

I cannot find a place from whence to start
To find the things I need to fill my heart
Not sure that I have feelings that are real
Or think the things that thinking people feel

Relationships don't last, and love goes sour
I haven't ever seen my finest hour
I'm not the same as "normal" people are
And I don't measure up to them by far

Not able to confront the things I fear
I'd much rather be anywhere but here
Quit searching for those missing parts of me
I think that I was never meant to be

I know I'm unfinished, uncreated
And this is the life for which I'm fated
No one to point out just where I belong
No higher power shows me right from wrong

This brain can think, oh yes, these eyes can see
But there is nothing here to make me me
No self-fulfilling goals for which to strive
No reason to be glad that I'm alive

I think that I was never meant to be
A mystery which binds no one but me
My life thus far a curiosity
The key to which will never set me free

No great love stories will be written here
No turning points or milestones reached this year
No brightest sunlight after the darkest dawn
No pits nor hills to mark the road I'm on

And when at last my body's laid to rest
No one to say I didn't pass life's test
No broken hearts to mend, nor tears to quell
No one will say "she's gone; I knew her well"

Please lay the body in some green acre
Let the soul go on to meet its maker
Write these words to sum up the life of me:
"I think that I was never meant to be"

Monday Thoughts & Moods

I've not a lot to report tonight. It's been an average Monday. I kept busy doing a bit of housework ... dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom. The rest of my day I spent in front of my laptop surfing blogs and trying to strip the coat out of my dogs. They are both dropping fur like mad. Fur, fur everywhere!

My mood hasn't been as good today as it has been over the past few days. I'm not feeling depressed though. I'm just a little flatter than I have been of late. Unfortunately some negative thoughts popped into my head this morning, e.g. how I felt annoyed at a friend last night regarding something I did for her but she later rejected and a thought of how I failed at something (can't remember what now). I think these thoughts might have helped my mood to lower for the day.

My appetite/desire to eat everything that isn't nailed down is still driving me to distraction. I've been scoffing down food like there is no tomorrow over these past few days. I'm not one for following a proper diet by any stretch of the imagine, but this overeating is becoming ridiculous.

Finally, thoughts of SH still remain an issue. I only indulged in a tiny bit this evening. Slow and steady seems to be what I prefer. Do I like the feeling of control when I do it? I'm not sure. I like the sensation and I like the sight. At least I think I do, anyway. Afterwards (and probably still now) I felt a little odd. I don't hate that odd feeling though. Perhaps I should. I'm too old for this sort of behaviour.

So that has been my day. I haven't been as good as I have been but I have been a lot, lot worse. All in all an average day in the life of me. Does that sound strange?

Time for Another Serious Post

I'm still feeling pretty good. I can hardly believe that my mood has stayed this good for several days in a row. I'm just not used to it. It's a good feeling, however I am still a little apprehensive about it. This may sound a little strange, but I don't know whether I can trust this feeling. Is it real? Will it stay?

In addition to feeling really quite decent, I have largely felt like myself over the past few days. I haven't felt like a weirdo in my own skin. I'm not used to that feeling either. Should I be apprehensive about this as well? It's hard not to be. Will it last? Do I want to be myself again?

Oh, a sense of emptiness just rushed through me. That would be right! I talk about how I have been going and something negative occurs, if only for a fleeting moment. It seems to be how this thing works.

Regardless of the doubts and fears, it would appear that the increase in my Lexapro dosage has worked some minor miracles. I'm loving those little white pills! I think I have been taking the 40mg dose for a couple of nights now. I hope my pdoc doesn't want to lower the dose again any time soon.

There is one thing that mystifies me about this increase in mood level ... the issue of self harm. It's kind of weird but ever since I have been feeling better, I have also experienced an increased desire to SH. Of course I have. It is far too tempting not to. Everything has been incredibly superficial though and there hasn't been a lot of it I suppose. It actually hurts nowadays.

My question is then, why when things are looking up, does one want to indulge in the old "razor play"? It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

The Pigs Have Flown!

The title of this post is in reference to a banner that was shown during Pink Floyd's performance at Live 8. From memory it said, "Pink Floyd Reunion ... The Pigs Have Flown".

First off, let me just say that I am too young to have ever seen Pink Floyd play live. The last time they played in Australia, I had just entered my adolescence. Talk about being born at the wrong time and in the wrong country! (Stupid ancestors for emigrating to Australia back in the 1800's )

Now I can happily lie down and die because I can say that I have seen Pink Floyd play live. Woohoo! (Well, sort of anyway). I was lucky enough to catch the live webcast at AOL Music and then I caught the last half of the their performance on TV too.

Would you believe that my tape ran out when I was watching the web cast though? I didn't know about it until Pink Floyd had finished their set and I raced into the bedroom to catch the rest of their performance on Fox 8. Therefore I only taped the last couple of songs. What rotten luck! Hopefully a DVD will be released down the track or something. *cross fingers*

Anyway, I am so rambling here. I guess my whole point in writing this post is that I was actually moved by Pink Floyd's performance. To see Roger Waters on stage with the other band members was nothing short of magic. At the beginning of "Wish You Were Here" Roger Waters made a short speech on how touched he felt to be playing with the band again for such a cause. He also acknowledged that they were playing "Wish You Were Here" for Syd Barrett. How special is that?

Oh, London's web cast just finished. There goes a piece of history.

Imagine me being moved by a band's performance. Looks like I am getting some feelings, some emotions back. What's up with that?

Last Pink Floyd Fan to Know

I am sitting here nearly wetting myself with excitement. Okay, okay ... so that is a little bit of an exaggeration.

What's with all the excitement? Well, I just found out that Pink Floyd is appearing in the UK's Live 8 concert. Even more exciting is that Roger Waters is appearing with Pink Floyd. How amazing is that! It is a Pink Floyd fan's dream! I never thought that they would play in concert again, let alone Roger Waters appearing once again with the band. Woohoo! I can barely sit still. What's going to happen next? Syd Barrett reappears from his exile? Now that would be grand.

Anyway, I know I must be the very last person in the entire world to have stumbled across this information on the Internet. I am the first to admit that I have no life and I live underneath a rock. It doesn't curb my shear glee though.

Here in Aussie land, the Live 8 concert is going to be telecast on the Fox 8 channel. It's also appearing on free to air TV tomorrow night, but I don't know how long that telecast is going to be. I have my video set to record on extended play. My meds are just going to have to wait a few more hours tonight. I'm ready. The telecast starts in a matter of minutes. Yippee!

Mourning Unkymoods

Today I feel ... like a light grey line??

I missing my unkymoods already and it's only been about 24 hours since the little graphic disappeared. (For the uninitiated, unkymoods is the little emotion graphic that usually appears over in my side bar). It appears that unkymoods is down. I can't open up its website either. *sob*

Come back unkymoods. I miss you!

Feeling Better

I'm happy to say that my general mood has been quite good today. I haven't felt depressed at all. In fact my mood has been pretty steady throughout the day. It certainly makes a nice change to how I have been feeling of late.

I've been back on 30mg of Lexapro a night now for a couple of nights, along with my usual Seroquel dose. I've been trying to take my meds before 9:00pm too. Previously I had just taken them whenever I felt like it, which in retrospect was probably the reason why my sleeping patterns were all stuffed up. Now, over the past couple of days I have been going to bed before midnight (what's with that??) and waking up at a decent hour in the morning. I feel a heap better for it too. I'll leave it another night before I increase my Lexapro to 40mg per night as per my pdoc's suggestion during my last appointment. If this better mood is related to the increased Lexapro dosage, I can't wait until I am on the 40mg dose. Is it safe to pin my hope for feeling better on an increase in medication? Gawd, I can only cross my fingers I guess.

The past couple of days haven't passed without incident though unfortunately. I fell off the SH wagon yesterday. Thankfully it was only in a very minor fashion, although I guess all of my SH attempts are only incredibly superficial anyway. I can't say that I am sorry for picking up my implement of choice. My sick, little mind has missed it (again, what's with that??). Hubby noticed the new marks tonight too, which was a little disappointing.

Oh damn! I just spilt my beer all over myself. Oops! LOL

Finally, I had to pop down to my local pharmacy again today to pick up the remainder of the script I filled yesterday. As I approached the attendant behind the counter, I started to feel pretty strange. I had to really concentrate on what I was saying to her to get the words out right. By the time I got in the car for my short drive home I was feeling quite panicky. I was extremely glad when I walked in the door to my house. Safe again.

Despite the mishaps over the past couple of days, I'm going to choose to hold tight to my increased mood level. Bring on more of those good moods!

Another "What Is It With" & Psychic Hubbies

Just prior to 7:30 tonight, I popped down to the servo to pick up a few vital Friday night supplies (ciggies, coke and ice creams ). The first thing I saw when I walked inside the servo was a pyjama wearing woman crouched over the ice cream freezer. Yes, she was actually wearing her PJ's out and about at 7:30 in the evening! Worse still, her jamies were the flannelette type with teddy bears all over them. OMG! Does it make me a snob if I consider that to be dressing a little too far down when out in public? I mean, what is it with that woman? I wouldn't be caught dead wearing my jamies out in public. So funny!

Anyway, it was my hubby's birthday today. He's now 36, the poor ole fart. The thing with his birthdays though, is that he always knows what gift I am going to give him before opens it. I can't work out if I am just really predictable, if he is some sort of latent psychic or if he is just a really good guesser. It drives me to distraction. I am so going to have to lift my game next year.