The Strangeness Inside My Head

I'm tired, or at least I know I am because my eyesight has gone all fuzzy. I'm feeling quite down and not quite with it too. What a way to end a year. I guess it might as well end like it began.

Maybe I should wrap up 2005 with a post reflecting on the year? Mmm, on second thought why bother! There is not much to tell. I sat on my butt until late September, worked for a couple of months and now I am back sitting on my butt again. What a year! I guess it wasn't as up and down as 2004. Still, I could have done without living through these past twelve months. It wouldn't have mattered.

Let's see! What else is there to write about? I know! Cemeteries!

After wandering around Emerald Cemetery the other day, taking photographs of the angels and kangaroos, GBF and I decided to take a drive out to the local cemetery yesterday afternoon. We were hoping to spot some more kangaroos, but there were none to be seen. Instead, I strolled around the small graveyard, reading the memorial plaques while GBF busied himself taking photographs of the little "forget-me-nots" that families had left beside their loved ones graves.

/ begin insanity

There's something about the little local cemetery though, something that's not apparent at the Emerald Cemetery. There is a pronounced sense of sadness lurking amongst the graves. I am not given to clairsentinence or anything, so I was surprised I could feel it so deeply. I mentioned the feeling to GBF who (thankfully) indicated that he could feel it too. I could almost swear that a little boy who had passed over had taken up permanent residence in the cemetery.

It got weirder though. I must have let my mind wander too far because the knowledge that I don't have too much longer to wander around this godforsaken world came over me in a huge way. I don't know what it is with me and this feeling. It's just something that keeps hanging around and popping into my consciousness every now and again. It's another thing that I have to live with, I suppose.

/ end insanity

Anyway, here's to 2006! Let it be, oh, another year I guess.

That'd Be Right

Your 2005 Song was ...

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"
by Green Day

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating"

In 2005, you bummed everyone out. Like you care.

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

The Lost Photograph

Below is a very special photograph taken during my recent road trip. Unfortunately I can't lay claim to the image. It's all oliverharold's doing.

The photograph proves that Australia has it's very own "Nessie". Then again, maybe all it proves is that alcohol and similar substances make for strange graphical images. I can't be sure.

Perhaps the photograph is worth submitting to a cryptozoology website? Mmmm, now there's a thought!

Melancholic Aftermath

I'm not sure what to write other than I am feeling rather pensive at present. I'm not entirely certain why. Maybe it is related to me not taking my meds until late last night and therefore sleeping the day away today. Maybe it is due to my outing yesterday and the resulting emptiness that has swept through my psyche. Maybe it is biological. After all I am a woman and well, to be blunt, it is that time of the month. Whatever the reason, my mood always seems to return to this state of melancholy sooner or later. It will never truly leave me. Take it or leave it, it is part of who I am.

I'm confused I think. Promises both made and imagined have been broken. Life equates to emptiness. Hope remains elusive. Am I afraid to allow hope into my life? Probably! Am I afraid to take the steps that may be required? Perhaps. Are chances worth taking? No they aren't, if history has anything to say about it.

There is not much more to say. Instead I will end this post with an image I've been meaning to make for a number of days. Tonight, I finally did.

Road Tripping

My GBF and I took ourselves off on a whistle-stop road trip around central Queensland today. Our trip focused on a town called Emerald and its surrounds. By central Queensland standards, Emerald is a cute little place. It boasts the most amazing railway station that I have ever seen. Silly me didn't think to take a photo of that gorgeous building though. Oops!

Luckily, we did manage to get a few nice photos of some of the other highlights of our journey. The following are a selection of these photos. There are some others over on my Flickr page.

The Comet Pub

On the way home from Emerald, we stopped at the Comet Pub for a quick drink. It's such a gorgeous pub. The pub's interior is as amazing as its exterior. It's filled with all manner of countrified paraphernalia.

Alpha Roo

Another one of our road trip's destinations was the Emerald Cemetery. The cemetery hosted a family of kangaroos that were lounging around underneath the trees. I'm not entirely certain that this guy appreciated our presence however. He was certainly keeping a close eye on us, making sure we didn't step out of line.

Blue Angel

I love wandering around old cemeteries and thankfully my GBF didn't think I was completely over the top when I suggested we visit. This angel sits atop one of the graves in the older section of the cemetery.

Check out the central Queensland summer sky! Not a cloud in sight!

Cockatoo

Just outside of Emerald is Fairburn Dam which holds the town's water supply (I think). We sat ourselves underneath one of the park's shady trees and were delighted to discover that were several cockatoos hanging around in the tree. We spent ages photographing the birds.

Mum and Joey

I had a good day. My GBF has blown through this red-neck haven like a breath of fresh air. It did me a world of good to get out of the house, out of this town and just hang out amongst cockatoos, kangaroos, graves and nature in general. I don't usually get the chance to do that. I found it refreshing and I only thought of driving into on-coming traffic the one time. The outing must have done me good!

New Web Ring

I'll admit it. I was bored.

Since rejoining the ranks of the unemployed, I've been spending far too much time wandering aimlessly around the blogosphere. I found several different ways to promote blogs, hence all the new little buttons on the side bar. (Eek! I hope I haven't gone overboard with them). I also rediscovered the world of web rings after not paying much attention to them since I joined a couple of my original websites up with a few rings years ago.

When searching for appropriate web rings to join, I found a lack of rings specifically aimed at bloggers whose lives have been impacted by mental illness. There are a handful of great web rings out there, e.g. Bipolar Planet, but I couldn't find a ring that was related to both blogging and a wide variety of psychiatric illnesses.

As a result, I decided to create my own web ring, Blogging Survivors. It's hosted by WebRing. The ring's purpose is to unite anyone and everyone who keeps a blog or online journal and identifies as having some form of mental illness, has a family member who has a mental illness or perhaps even just writes about mental health issues in a supportive or informative manner. Hopefully through joining together we can create a supportive atmosphere among all us bloggers out there.

Feel free to take a look at the blog I created for the ring. I need at least one more person to join up to make the ring viable. (Hint, hint!) *smiles innocently*

Boxing Day Wrap Up

Well, Christmas is over for another year. As anticipated, Hubby and I had a very quiet one at home. We exchanged presents in the morning, went back to bed and slept for another few hours and then had dinner around 7:00pm or so.

May I just say that I cooked the best roast chicken of my life yesterday! It was delicious! My coleslaw and potato salad weren't too shabby either. Normally I would just buy pre-packaged salads but the local grocery store was all out of salads on Christmas eve. The joys of living in a town with only one grocery store, hey! Should I admit to buying pre-made dressings though? Nah! That would mean I still cheated a little. *smiles*

I've been feeling seriously non-emotional these past couple of days. I'm feeling nothing, nada, zilch! I didn't even get angry with Hubby yesterday when he continued to play his computer game for another hour or so after I woke up. Normally I would sit there seething at such behaviour on a day like yesterday, but I didn't give a rat's butt. I won't go as far as saying that I am numbing out or anything. It doesn't feel as bad as that. I'm just in a non-emotional state I guess.

Now these next couple of paragraphs probably fall into the category of TMI (too much information) so feel free to finish reading here. I need to mention it for myself though. Here goes! Don't say I didn't warn you.

The issue of sex is seriously weighing heavily on my mind. Yesterday Hubby was, to put it bluntly, as horny as hell. He was trying every trick in his little book to tempt me into caving in and giving him a bit. I just couldn't though. I can't even stand the thought of it and what it means.

I remember a very short period years and years ago (about the time I first met Hubby) when I really enjoyed sex. It was the first time in my life that I actually was into it. This period didn't last very long though. What the hell changed? To be honest, I couldn't care less if I ever got any again. This can't be good for my marriage, yet I feel like there is nothing I can (or perhaps want to) do about it.

Anyway, to end this post on a brighter note, the above photo is of a couple of the gifts which Hubby got me for Christmas. All up he got me a handbag that I had my eye on for a while, the little crystal dog shown in the picture, a set of three tea light candle holders as also pictured and a gorgeous little "K" gold pendant. They are all lovely gifts. Thanks Hubby!

My Christmas Song Is ...

Happy Xmas
(War Is Over)

And so this is xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

You would gladly give up all of your material Christmas gifts if it meant peace for a few more people.

What Christmas Carol Are You?

A Christmas Story

Twas the night before Christmas, old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa", what do I hear?
The old lady bitches 'cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money. The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better.
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes, if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days, they all are the pits.
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls, their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo's. No request for them.
They want computers and robots. They think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air, dodging the trees.
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job. There's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year.
Now you know the reason.
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!

Bah Humbug

I have to admit to feeling just a tad Scrooge-like at present. I spent most of the day organising a last minute present or two and clearing a space in the lounge room so that I could finally put up my little Christmas tree. Despite all the preparations, I couldn't grab a hold of the spirit of the occasion.

I don't know, maybe Christmas is only for Christians. (Duh!) If one is not into the religious significance of the holiday, then maybe Christmas is only for people with children and close family members. When you are without these "qualities" then Christmas seems irrelevant and a tad painful, or at least it does to me.

The whole season thing doesn't sit right with me either. It's summer here in Australia. Why then are we all busy preparing for a holiday that essentially sprung from Yule or the winter solstice? As I understand it, Yule signifies hope and renewal. The longest night of the year is upon us. From here brightness slowly returns and the stark coldness of winter dissipates.

There's only one problem. Here in Australia it is as hot as hell. Everything is green and growing from the summer rains. Our wheel of the year is at exact opposite to the northern hemisphere. We are beginning our decent into winter and the coming darkness. Not that its a bad thing, mind you. I prefer winter. It brings relief from the searing heat of the summer.

I guess I should consider myself lucky that I will not be alone on Christmas day. I will be sharing it with Hubby. Hubby seems to adore Christmas. He loves the presents and the opportunity for a huge feed. His face brightens on Christmas morning, just as I imagine a child's would.

Despite this, I can't shake this feeling of loss and emptiness. There will be no loving family to celebrate the holidays with. There will be no children bubbling with excitement and anticipation on Christmas morning. After Hubby and I have exchanged presents, the day will be a non-event, just as it always seems to be. Although I am aware that it is most likely societal norms pushing these feelings upon me, it all still seems rather pointless.

How does one capture the spirit of the holidays?

Shine on you crazy diamond!
(Yes, I'm listening to Pink Floyd again.)

Husbands!

Ugh! I'm sitting here trying to blog about my (somewhat belated) discovery that my favourite radio station as a teenager/young adult broadcasts online and how exciting it is to listen to real music for a change. However, Hubby is currently annoying the bejeezus out of me by playing with the dogs inside the house. OMG, the noise! Bark, bark! Howl, howl! I can't concentrate at all. So instead, I stole the following from Joey's blog. It fits with the moment so well.

What is a dog?

• Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
  
• They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
  
• They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
  
• They growl when they are not happy.
  
• When you want to play, they want to play.
  
• When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  
• They leave their toys everywhere.
  
• They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
  
• They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion:

They're tiny men in little fur coats.


Photo credit: stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site

So Incredibly Tired

Crap, I'm tired! I've slept on the couch in the lounge room most of the day. The only time I woke up was to shove some junk food down my gut and read through a blog or two. *yawns*

I've got to go out tonight. I need to visit the grocery store to pick up a few things. The furry kids have virtually nothing to eat and there's no milk for coffee or anything for Hubby to drink in the fridge.

I've been procrastinating about visiting the grocery store for days now. I just don't want to step outside the house. I haven't had a shower. My hair is disgusting. Time is running out though. It's already past 7:00pm.

While I'm in whinge mode, I am sick of living in a pig sty. The house is feral. There are tumbleweeds of dog fur all over the floor. There are piles of paper work that need sorting all over the kitchen. The toilet and bathroom are a mess. The grass in the back yard is so long that I can barely see the dogs through it. The front garden desperately needs watering. *sigh*

I'm in definite need of a shot of motivation. All that I want to do though, is lay around dozing, watch television or sit in front of the computer staring at the monitor. I can't be bothered moving.

Note to self: take my night time meds at a decent time. I might actually stay awake during the day then.

Plunged Into Darkness

What did people do before electricity? I had the chance to find out earlier this evening when my house was plunged into darkness due to a power outage.

After racing outside to (thankfully) find that my house was not the only one affected, I sat myself down on the couch and stared into the candle-lit gloominess. I glanced over at the dark screens of both my television and laptop and wondered how the heck I was going to fill in the potential hours of darkness that were ahead of me. Then the question entered my head. What on earth did people do before electricity? How did they spend their evening hours?

For one, I suppose they didn't sleep half the day away like I did today. Woops! Bad me! I was just so damn tired today, I couldn't help but go back to bed a hour or so after I initially woke.

I would imagine by the time pre-electricity people finished all their day-to-day chores, they were exhausted and went to bed relatively early. What a life, hey! I guess there wasn't much to it apart from working to stay alive. Ick! Then again, have things really changed all that much?

Philosophical debate aside, I did decide to take a leaf out the "pre-electricity booklet" and get off my butt to do a little cleaning in the kitchen. I now have less dirty dishes sitting in the sink awaiting cleaning and a load of rinsed dishes sitting in the dishwasher ready for their final clean.

Oh, and the good news is that the power outage only lasted a short while. I am now back sitting in my usual position on the couch in front of a fully powered-up computer.

Photo credit: stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site

The Goings On In My Head

Warning: frank thoughts are written towards the end of this post.

It's time for another one of those mind-numbingly boring posts about what's been going on in my head of late. I guess it wouldn't be such a boring post if there was actually anything going on in my head. I'm afraid to say, however, that it's been pretty blank up there recently.

Apart from the exceedingly noisy old dishwasher going through its cycle in the kitchen, it is really quite peaceful here tonight. I have the windows and doors open to catch the summer night's breeze. Thankfully there is a light breeze blowing tonight and the house has an opportunity to cool down before tomorrow's heat hits. There is very little noise from the highway tonight. The neighbours must all be asleep because there is only silence emanating from their houses. For the first time in untold ages I am not desperately seeking out my night time meds to kill the day off and escape from my life. I guess I am just in the moment, enjoying a cigarette, cup of tea and writing down my thoughts as I think them.

Realistically though, things haven't been so peaceful inside my head over the past couple of days. Maybe its because I am no longer working, I don't know, but there have been definite times where I've struggled with the "I don't want to be around any longer" thoughts. Taking my night time meds has been a time where I wonder just how easily it would be to quit. Is there enough in my medicine cabinet to mix together?

I am useless at that sort of thing. I want it to work, yet I also want to be kept comfortable while it is working, hence the hospital visits in the past. I realise that wanting it to be this way is ludicrous. It doesn't work. Charcoal is administered and, well, let's just say that things move quickly from there.

I wonder how much longer I can survive like this. I would like to think not for long, but I have a horrible suspicion that it is going to go on forever. That's a frightening prospect. I don't want it to go on forever.

Joke Of The Day

A wife comes in and yells, "Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!"

Her husband yells back, "Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?"

The wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hell out!

*giggles uncontrollably*

Picking A Quote and Running With It

I stumbled across the following quote by Jim Morrison during my travels around the blogosphere today. I can't believe that I have never come across this before. The quote is probably older than I am given that Jim Morrison passed away a year after I was born. The quote in its entirety is:

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

Let's see. What do I agree with here?

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.

Oh hell yes! I can certainly relate to that sentence. Like I think I have mentioned in a previous post, this whole dissociation thing probably has a lot to do with me being afraid of my feelings and thus not wanting to experience them. As for reality, well, I can definitely take or leave mine. Personal realities are infinitely tiring.

Feelings are disturbing.

Yes, they suck!

Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.

Mmmm. Don't we all hide our feelings to some degree? I know I certainly do. I've learnt that generally people just don't want to know about them. If you let people know your true feelings you are effectively burdening them with something that they would rather not deal with. I've learnt a hard lesson when it comes to sharing feelings with others. People don't mind listening for a while but they soon tire of it. It's better to keep things to yourself. In fact, I am still learning to keep my mouth shut. I definitely need to get better at that. That's why we keep our social masks so closely at hand, so we can slip the appropriate mask on when in danger of sharing too much of what is going on in our heads.

Having said all that, I think that if we always hold back on sharing with others, we damage ourselves somehow. It's a delicate line to tread. As humans, aren't we social animals? Aren't we meant to share with others?

As for all the love and pain references in the quote, I'm not sure where I stand. Yes, love seems to be painful. It certainly confuses the hell out of me. At one time I used to believe that through our pain and experiences we could reach our full potential and gain wisdom. I'm not so sure of that viewpoint anymore. It no longer sits right with me.

Anyway, that's enough inane rambling from me today. Too much thinking is bad for your health. I had a health professional tell me once that depression is a thinking person's disease. How right she was. Maybe the people who enjoy good mental health are those that don't think deeply about anything and everything. They just don't care. They travel their life paths automatically and shallowly.

Oh gawd, I need to shut up. I'm sounding like I am on something. Actually, its more correct to say that I am not on something. Silly me didn't take my Seroquel last night. Oops!

The Things You Do

Ahhh, the things you do when completely bored. I was feeling seriously bored yesterday afternoon before my Internet dropped out on me. (I'm definitely going to have to blog about that. I'm sooooo addicted to the Internet. My reaction to having no Internet was hilariously tragic!)

Anyway, to break the monotony of yesterday afternoon, I ended up surfing a couple of Aussie joke websites. I found the following pictures on the Oz Jokes website. I loved them so much I had to post them here.

I finally found my life purpose! Maybe I should use this piccie as my blog banner.

Finally! I have the proof that leading a highly mediocre life is okay ... in the short term.

My favourite! Maybe I can use these ideas next time I need to consider using some anger management techniques.

Final note: drugs and alcohol don't mix.

Uh Oh!

I knew I didn't open that particular email for a reason. It had been sitting unopened in my inbox for weeks. There must have been a reason for it. Why then did I decide to finally open it today when I was checking my mail? Silly, silly me! What was I thinking?

As soon as I opened the email my eyes widened. The email was from a company through which I occasionally order prize home tickets. Instead of informing me about the newest prize home draw, the email invited me to join the company's other website. That website just happened to be Oz Lotteries.

Someone please save me from myself! All the games are there: Oz Lotto, Powerball and Gold Lotto. I would have never thought that I could buy lotto tickets online. Now I don't even have to get off my butt and wander down to the newsagency. Eek! My credit card is so going to suffer. *Searches for Gamblers Anonymous' phone number*

Summer Heat and Long Drives

My gawd, it's getting hot around here. Summer has certainly caught up with us. The temperature is now reaching the high 30's (celius) every day. I'm just waiting for the temperature to breach the 40 mark. Hubby and I have both household airconditioners running and it is still over 30 degrees in the kitchen even now as I type these words. Yuck! It's definitely time to consider moving down to Tasmania. (I wish!)

Today I drove into the semi big smoke for my final pdoc appointment for the year. Due to my recent "Because of You" post and subsequent dream, I was concerned that I would completely numb out again when my pdoc addressed what I had written. Thankfully I didn't. I was very much in a "keep things light" mode throughout the entire appointment. I guess this helped me to not freak out when discussing family issues. While it was great to remain in the here and now, I don't know how helpful the "keep things light" mode was to the therapy process. Not to worry though. There will be other appointments.

<-- Begin outburst -->

*Tries to convince self that I have the right to feel angry and hurt but secretly wonders if I really do*

Why, why, why do I hold so much resentment? Why, why, why have I felt depressed and unworthy for most of my life? I truly don't get it! How many freakin' puppies did I kill in my former life?

Yes, she made mistakes. Yes, she will never acknowledge that she did. Let's face it though, things could have been a hell of a lot worse. I was never abused or anything like that.

You know, I still wonder what the point is. Nothing is going to magically change. I am always going to struggle with feeling like shit. I have since I was a teenager. There is no conceivable reason why things should change now.

<-- End outburst -->

Not a Fan of Emotions

I'm truly not. In fact I am beginning to despise them immensely.

I'm just coming out of another "numbing out episode". I still feel quite strange but at least I can control my own movements now. That has to be a plus I guess.

I'm not particularly fond of these episodes. They are kind of frightening. Thank goodness they don't last for very long. They just seem to leave me with what I will for the moment term a "numbing out hangover".

This one left my whole body feeling incredibly heavy. I couldn't move. It felt like something was trying to take over me. At one stage I was actually daring it to, but of course there was nothing there.

I will hazard a guess that this particular episode came about from some news I was given this afternoon by a friend. I sort of knew that it was coming, but it knocked me for a six nevertheless. Despite the very real possibility that I won't have as much contact with this friend next year, the news may also have implications on my ability to re-enter the workforce.

When my friend told me her news, I got excited for her. It is a wonderful opportunity for her, a fresh start. It wasn't until our telephone conversation ended that I felt any type of loss.

By the time I ventured out to the local grocery store (I couldn't delay the visit any longer because Hubby goes back to work tomorrow and I needed food for his crib), I was feeling a little upset. It was kind of difficult walking around the grocery store when feeling this way.

The numbing out episode didn't hit me until I arrived home though. I started feeling a little nauseous, then all of a sudden it hit me. I was able to make it to the couch to lay down before the sensation of not being able to move really took over me.

So there it is. Another description of my type of dissociation I guess. Mind you, I don't like calling it dissociation. I'm not even certain that it is dissociation. I prefer my term. It normalises the experience somewhat.

Update (A Few Minutes Later) ...

Lovely! Hubby just woke up and stumbled out to the kitchen. He began asking me all these annoying questions about what there was to eat tonight and if his work car had arrived. I felt my answers to his questions were rather snappy. I let him know the reason for my shortness was because I had just experienced the numbing out episode. He rolled his eyes, told me to let him know "when I was right" and then went to sit in front of his computer at the other end of the house. Fucking great! I've always known that I am alone in this, but sometimes it sucks to be blatantly reminded of it.

Dream Journaling

Awww crap! What's with this dreaming thing? I had another memorable dream last night. Like this week's earlier dream, it featured another person on whom I'm not too keen. Bloody hell! Can I not dream of someone or something that is actually pleasant?

This dream featured my dearest DP. Yes, that's right, the wench with whom I had so much trouble towards the end of my last job. For some god forsaken reason, this dream centred on her making my life hell again. Yikes!

At the beginning of the dream, I was at the school where I worked until recently. I had just received notice to quit or be fired. I'm not one hundred percent sure which. For whatever reason, the final date of working at the school was ambiguous.

I turned up for work the week after I received the initial notice. I thought it was to be my last week working at the job, but apparently I was mistaken. I was supposed to have finished up the week before. I busied myself with my work however, while all the time trying to avoid my dearest DP.

Unfortunately I wasn't successful in avoiding the wench altogether. I had just dropped a glass container. I was busy cleaning up the shattered shards of glass when she approached the area in which I was working. I tried not to notice her presence but she definitely noticed mine.

The details of what happened next are quite sketchy. I think I was in my car trying to escape the school grounds. My dearest DP was there however. She was in a rage and doing her best to belt the bejeezus out of my car as I attempted to drive away.

From there, I found myself in the wench's house. I was out for revenge. Before I could get up to any mischief, the wench came home. Although she was aware something was amiss, I managed to escape the house without her seeing me.

I hid behind a couple of cars which were parked on the other side of the road to her house. One of those cars was mine. Through the murkiness of night, I could see the silhouette of my dearest DP in the house's front doorway. As she approached my hiding place, I stood up as if nothing was out of place. She approached me and started cheerily chatting to me.

So ended the dream.

Not Much To Say

I really don't have a lot to write about tonight. In true "addicted to blogging" form though, here I am writing a post.

It's been a relatively quiet day. My gay boyfriend visited today. (Eek! I don't know what to call him now that he is no longer a work mate. I guess I will stick with the gay boyfriend tag until he sees this and hits me over the head because of it.)

Since my gay boyfriend pretty much hijacked my computer on his arrival, the majority of my day was spent sitting beside him on the couch staring at the monitor. We read his emails (okay, well I was trying not to read them over his shoulder), set a blog up for him (woohoo, a new blog link to add to my side bar once he gets it up and running) and compiled a little graphic for his new blog. Exciting stuff! *stifles a giggle*

Apart from the above, I have really done nothing of interest today. Mind you, if you count chucking a load of dirty dishes into the dishwasher and doing a load of laundry interesting, then perhaps the latter half of my day wasn't so bad. Considering the state of my house lately, me doing even the slightest amount of housework is a groundbreaking event.

As for today's state of mental health, I've been quite okay. One thing that has been making a comeback over the last couple of days is the thought of SH. I have a suspicion that these thoughts are resurfacing because my last attempts are healing up quite nicely. That part of the brain that still remains cut off from the rest of me wants to have a go at making some more "art work". Oh well, not to worry. The urges aren't all that strong yet.

Surreal Dream

Although the details are a little foggy now, the following is a description of a dream I remember having last night.

The dream featured my mother. What a coincidence that I only posted a blog entry regarding her yesterday. The words I used during this entry were, "For whatever obscure reason, I just seem to lose it when even the thought of her surfaces." How true were those words! How dare the memory of her break into my dreams!

In the dream, my mother was living in some sort of house that doubled as a small motel. I had come home from work for my lunch break. Someone accompanied me. I'm not sure who this person was other than some anonymous work mate.

My mother was laying on a day bed in the house's back room. She was half watching the television that sat in the corner. She was frail. Her previous illnesses and her past lifestyle had obviously taken a toll on her.

Since I was only on my lunch break, my time at the house was limited. She wanted a bottle of spring water though. A tall glass of cold water from the fridge was not good enough. I soon discovered that there was no bottled water in the house. I would have to visit a local store to buy some for her.

I was feeling mildly annoyed at having to do everything for her. At the same time, however, I was rushing around fussing over her. I felt like she was more able than she let on, that she was abusing my concern and my limited time.

Then the surreal part of the dream began. I walked to the back of the house which was only a short distance from my mother's day room. The back door wasn't like a house's door however. It resembled the doorway of a tent, with a triangular shaped zippered insect netting inside a zippered nylon door. A doorman stood at the back door. There were also a couple of hospice workers present.

I informed the hospice workers of my dilemma, of how I needed to get the bottle of spring water for my mother but was desperately late for returning to work. The female hospice worker told me not to worry. There was a train (an old steam train, mind you) about to arrive. The train would be carrying bottled water. I glimpsed the steam train approaching from the side of the property.

My concern for my mother then switched to concern for my dogs. I was worried that the doorman had inadvertently let them out to wander. The train could run them over.

I asked the doorman if he could please zipper the mesh to keep it closed and thus keep my dogs safely inside. I then called my dogs, only to discover that they were with my mother in the daybed room.

That was the end of the dream. What a strange one!

Inspiration

While surfing blogs today, I came across ariadneK's photos of her house and the state it was in due to her work woes. Instead of thinking, "Oh my gawd, that house is a mess," I caught myself thinking, "Her mess pales in comparison to mine".

I then became inspired. Now that I am officially unemployed again, I have no reason to not have a bit of a clean up around the house. So, here are the "before" photos. Hopefully some day soon I will post the "after" photos. *crosses fingers*

The lounge room: complete with baskets full of ready-to-be-ironed clothes.

The kitchen: will I ever load the dishwasher with another load?

This one's for you, Joey. The Hubby: my greatest cleaning project. Can I get him to shower at least once a day, oh and maybe put on some clothes? *giggles*

Yikes! What a mess! I wonder how long it will take me to really get stuck into the cleaning. Wish me luck!

Because Of You

I almost don't want to post the following lyrics. During my next appointment with him, I can imagine my pdoc jumping on them like a dog jumps onto a bone. I would rather not have to deal with another discussion about my relationship with my mother. For whatever obscure reason, I just seem to lose it when even the thought of her surfaces.

Despite this knowledge, I am going to post the lyrics. This morning I was watching Rage (a video clip show) and the song was one of the ones that were played. There is no doubt about it, it's a beautiful song and sad as well. I can relate to much that is said within it.

Because Of You
(Kelly Clarkson)

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I’ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I lose my way
And it’s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes
I’m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can’t possibly break
When it wasn’t even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don’t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I’m ashamed of my life because it’s empty
Because of you I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

What else is there to say? Is there even a way to break away from the person I have become?

Photo credit: stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site

Proof of Global Warming

I stole this from James' place. Despite the somewhat scary implications of the whole global warming/polluting the Earth issue, I find the image freakin' funny. I can't stop giggling.

Frustrations and Anger

I'm still firmly entrenched in my "mega bitch from hell" mode. I am just so cranky. Every little thing that doesn't go my way is eliciting a great big tanty from me.

One of today's episodes was work related. The computer tech (and I use that term loosely) installed a new computer in my office on Tuesday. Unfortunately though, she neglected to hook up the printer.

Now installing a printer on a computer is usually as easy as pie, but for some inane reason the organisation for which I work introduced a standard operating environment last year. This makes it damn near impossible to change anything on the computers without getting the computer tech to do it.

So this afternoon I wanted to print out one measly letter. I soon discovered that the local printer was not installed and because of the standard operating environment I was unable to install it. I then called down to the common room to ask if one of the aides working down there could slip a letterhead into the printer for me. I was promptly told to wait five minutes. What? Surely it doesn't take five minutes to lean over to the printer and place a letterhead in it. Geez!

After a few minutes I sent my print job down to the common room's printer. I popped down to the common room to collect my letter. It hadn't printed. Great!

To top that little frustration off, the aides in the common room were just sitting around chatting. Lawd knows why they had told me to wait five minutes before they could place a letterhead into the printer for me then. How lazy can a person be!

Since I was already in the common room, I decided to log on to one of the computers there. I retrieved my letter and sent it to the printer once again. This time it prints, however no one had bothered to inform me that the toner was running exceedingly low. Consequently the printed letter sported prominent vertical lines of faded ink throughout it.

I was then told that I couldn't put a new toner cartridge into the printer because they didn't want it to sit in the printer for six weeks without being used. *Sigh* What difference could that possibly make.

As an alternative, I sent the letter through to the photocopier (which acts like a printer) to be printed. Once again it didn't print. At this stage I was mumbling obscenities under my breath. How could such a simple thing as printing out one sheet of paper be so long-winded and difficult?

Thankfully, as my obscenities became increasingly louder, one of the aides approached the photocopier and kick started it for me. I finally had a perfectly printed letter in my hands. Thank goodness for that.

By the time I made it back up to my office, the computer tech, who had witnessed my tantrum in the common room, was sitting at the desk installing the local computer. Why is it that things don't seem to happen until a rage has been flown into? There must be a better way.

The worst thing about all this is that I hate feeling so angry all the time. I find it so difficult to try to keep my crankiness in check. Once upon a time I would never have behaved like I did today. It's so out of character for me.

Anyway, there is only one more sleep left until the end of the school year. Unemployment here I come. Woohoo!

Photo credit: stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site

Barriers

It's Wednesday and that means I made my usual trip into the semi big smoke for my pdoc appointment. Unlike last week's trip, today's drive was uneventful. There were no wild storms to tentatively navigate through and I didn't even catch a glimpse of a cattle road train. What bliss!

I decided to throw my camera in the car this time. Virtually all year I have been traipsing into the semi big smoke for my weekly appointment. As can be expected, I have come to know the highway and its surrounds like the back of my hand. I've often thought that it would be nice to stop along the way and snap off a few photographs. Today I finally did.

The above photo is the result of the stop I made today. It's taken just off the highway at what appears to be a rest stop for semi-trailers. In person it is quite a pretty view. The rolling hills are incredibly green for this part of the world due to all the recent rain. Despite the closeness of the noisy highway, the area elicits a sense of peace.

During the drive home this afternoon, my mind wandered back to this particular photograph. The image suddenly gained more significance. I was looking through the cattle grid to what could have laid before me at one time. However, there was and still is a problem. Grids, by design, are barriers for livestock. It is impossible for them to pass through. There I was, standing before the barrier. The promises of peace and perhaps a life worth living were within sight. These promises are unattainable though. The barrier can not be crossed. The promises are therefore nothing but a tease.

A Quickie

Just a quickie of a post tonight because it is seriously past my bed time. Here's hoping that I wake up in time for work tomorrow.

I've had a really good day. (OMG, I think that is the first time I have ever written those words in my journal!) Shortly after arriving at work this morning, I discovered that my dearest DP (yes, the over-sized Nazi herself) was not at work. Best of all, she is not at work tomorrow either. Woohoo! I don't have to deal with her until Thursday. How lucky am I!

Consequently, I had a fantastic day at work. I sat up in the office all day helping my coworkers work on a movie that we have been making since we took the kids on camp a month or so ago. It was a hell of a lot of fun.

Since arriving home from work I have kept busy as well. I had completely forgotten about the whole end of work/Christmas thing until my boss mentioned to her assistant something about remembering to bring in an item for my coworker and I tomorrow. I instantly thought, "Oh my gawd, I've forgotten about the traditional gift giving thing before work breaks up for the year". As a result I have been busily making up an admittedly quite sappy PowerPoint presentation thanking both my boss and her assistant for the support they have given my coworker and I throughout our time with them. My boss loves all this "technology" stuff, so hopefully she will appreciate the thought.

Anyway, it's definitely time for me to hit the hay. Only four more sleeps until I am officially unemployed again. Strangely enough, I can't wait.

Lazy Sundays

The picture to the left is a photo I took earlier this evening of two butterflies resting on a blade of grass in the backyard. With all the lovely rain that has been falling recently around my neck of the woods, these guys are everywhere. They make a far more attractive night time guest than the usual cane toads, that's for sure.

I've had an extremely quiet Sunday. I literally spent all day sitting in front of the computer surfing blogs. I couldn't be bothered to do anything else. I haven't even had a shower (yuck, I know). I just didn't feel like moving.

It's not that I am feeling overly down or anything. In fact, this weekend I have been feeling quite okay. I haven't had any dark thoughts. I've had very little desire to engage in any SH. For a change, work issues are not laying heavily on my shoulders.

The only whinge that I could possibly make regarding the weekend is that I was extremely tired yesterday and as cranky as hell. It didn't help that Hubby and I had to drive over to the nearest town to take our furry kids for their yearly check-up at the vet. Having two dogs, a cat and a frustrated hubby in the car certainly didn't make for a stress free trip.

Maybe because of all the garbage that has been happening of late I just needed a quiet day to do my own thing. Today has certainly been one of those days. I do feel better for it too.

What Was I Thinking?

I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe it's just because I am fickle. Maybe I have way too much spare time on my hands. Maybe I was bored today and felt like a bit of a challenge.

Whatever the reason, I've changed my blog template yet again. I know it's only been two weeks since the last change. I loved the old template too. The pagan-inspired graphic was gorgeous. However I got to thinking this morning that it be fun to try tweaking one of the standard blogger templates. I would love to be able to construct my very own template, but let's face it, I wouldn't have the slightest clue as to how to begin.

After many hours spent searching the internet for a nice image for the banner and playing around with colours and the like, this is what I came up with. I don't think it is too bad for someone that didn't have a clue about what they were doing. Best of all, it seems to display quite fine in the versions of Firefox, Opera and Internet Explorer that I have installed on my laptop.

The funny thing is though, just after I loaded the new template and republished my blog, I popped over to Blog Explosion to update my thumbnail. Lo and behold, I noticed a new comment that someone had left. It was extolling the virtues of the old template. Woops! Looks like I buggered that one up.

Not to worry. At least this new template has more of "me" in it. It certainly kept me busy for quite a number of hours.

Watch Out!

Eek! Watch out! I'm turning into the biggest B.I.T.C.H on the whole planet. I'm just plain old cranky with anything and everything that moves.

Poor Hubby copped my wrath almost as soon as I got home from work today. A work mate of mine was rushed off to hospital yesterday while I was in the semi big smoke for my pdoc appointment. I didn't find out until I arrived back in town.

While I was around at my boss' place last night trying to find out if he was okay or not, my work mate rang. Hubby took the call and apparently told my work mate that I would call him back when I got home. The problem was that while Hubby told me that my work mate had rang, he neglected to tell me that he told my work mate that I would return the phone call and he neglected to get the phone number. (I had been trying to call my work mate on his mobile all evening, but of course he didn't have it with him). Hubby didn't even tell me that my work mate was still in hospital until this afternoon.

Well, I just saw red. I ranted and raved at my poor Hubby for not telling me the whole story last night. I was so bad that Hubby had to slink back to his computer room to escape my tirade.

Lately it seems like I am firing at everything. I've replaced feeling really down with feeling really angry. Everything is annoying me. From the early Christmas shoppers at the shopping centre I visited yesterday to all the silliness that is still happening at my workplace. It's crazy! Enough already!

Photo credit: stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site