I'm firmly planted in my familiar Wednesday afternoon blues at the moment. I hate when I feel like this. Nothing seems worth it. I feel like giving in to what I have wanted to do for a long time. Gawd, it would be so much easier.
I drove into the semi-big smoke this morning to attend my pdoc appointment. Before the appointment, I decided to treat myself to a haircut so that I would look half-way decent for my job interview tomorrow. I think I have finally found a decent hairdresser in central Queensland. She did a good job.
However, I probably scheduled my hairdresser's appointment a little too close to my pdoc appointment time. By the time I made it to my pdoc's office I instantly started feeling a little, ummm, agitated I guess. My pdoc was running a few minutes late, but unfortunately I did not calm down any during my wait.
As I entered the room in which my pdoc sees his clients, it was like half of my mind flew out of my body and decided to stay in the waiting room. I was only half there again, unable to properly attend to what the pdoc was saying or offer much to the discussion.
Why the heck I do this regularly is beyond me. It's not like we discuss anything meaty during our appointments. Maybe I just suck at this therapy thing and it's not meant to make a difference for me.
Sometimes I just want it all to come to an end. It's not going to happen soon enough for me.
Sorry to read about how low you're feeling. There's nothing I can very usefully offer to help - but I relate to the feelings you're describing. Just living can feel so hard sometimes. I do enjoy visiting and reading your blog - and I really wish you well.
ReplyDeleteTake care
B
everyone seems to have a weird "reaction" to therapy/pdoc visits. i myself could have been sitting in the car holding a knife to my throat right before but the minute i get into the office i am bubbly with cheer. and then i leave and realize how little i communicated about the real deal and look at that little prescription they gave me and know it won't quite do the trick and i go back to the car and the knife... (the knife being very metaphysical ofcourse because i do no carry a knife in my car)
ReplyDeletep.s. your profile summary made me remember that a therapist once diagnosed me with dysthymia. at the time i never had the energy to look it up. so now i will. thanks!
I hope things get better for you soon. I think you need to discuss this whole thing again with the doc. Maybe they will have some valuable input for you. I can relate to be out of synch when you got to the appointment. I do that a lot when I am running late. I think part of the therapy problem is that even though you may have times when you really need someone to talk to, it seems that it is never at appointment time.
ReplyDeletei was tremendously agitated right before i went into therapy too. i had just gotten a call about a job interview and totally freaked out. i couldn't sit still in the waiting room. i kept checking to see if anyone was in the restroom downstairs. maybe i just had to pee real bad. i was planning to be all straight and composed when i presented my goals to my therapist. he's been trying to get me to think about my goals in therapy instead of going way, etc. i've been fighting him the past week and a half. and fighting myself too. therapy is so damn hard.
ReplyDelete*sigh*
ReplyDeletehard stuff
ring me any time you need to! dont forget that!
btw, good news on the hairdresser front! wow!
xx