Maybe I've been thinking too much today. Something still doesn't seem quite right. I probably should just tell my mind to shut up and forget it. I don't know. I'm not fond of the times when my mind seems blank. I prefer it when there are thoughts running through my head. I don't feel so shallow, like a case with no substance. At times like these however, I think it may be more beneficial to not let my thoughts wander.Does what I have just written make any sense? It's just that things still feel a tad left of centre. I guess this ties into what I was thinking during yesterday's pdoc appointment, that is, the concept of reality and actually experiencing life rather than existing on a slightly different plane or something. Gawd, maybe I am milking this mental health thing and I should just get a grip and get over it. I don't know.
I feel out of step with my environment, the people at the school, my home life. It's not the "real" me communicating with these people. I don't really feel. It's all an act somehow. I'm just some sort of lone thing experiencing some sort of existence that isn't the same as a person's experience of life and the world.
Grrr! I am not making sense. I'm not part of the world? Yeah right! I must just be letting my mind fantasise too much. Get a grip. Get over it. Live with it. This is real. This is what life is. I may just live past my 40th birthday. Stop biding time until then. Blah!
Photo credit: screen shot from Linkin Park's "Numb" video clip
I feel out of step too and I get the feeling that I will always be in a fog and out of touch with the real world. Sometimes that's good but most of the time it isolates me from everyone.
ReplyDeleteYou are making sense. You summed it up by saying you are out of step with your environment. I couldn't think of how to phrase what I've been feeling until I read this. So thank you.
ReplyDeleteNormally I am able to feel everything and speak my mind, but I haven't felt 'real' the last few months. Possibly it is stress, since facial twitches are also problematic symptoms. Try to spend time with the people who allow you to be yourself. It is bad enough we are struggling to feel whole, only to have to act in the company of strangers.
I totally know how you feel. Sometimes my dreams feel more real than waking moments. I'm feeling off center too.
ReplyDeletehmmm
ReplyDeletei think its more that the outside world is out of step with us lol.
hows THAT for positive thinking!!
we're not crazy... the rest of the world is!!!
you should have a listen to the Robbie Williams song Come Undone... i LOVE the thinking about thinking line, and the fuck you all line. hehehe
"So unimpressed but so in awe
Such a saint but such a whore
So self aware so full of shit
So indecisive so adamant
I'm contemplating thinking about thinking
It's so frustrating just get another drink in
Watch me come undone
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
Pray that when I'm coming down you'll be asleep
If I ever hurt you your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum
And I'm your son
I come undone
I come undone
So rock and roll so corporate suit
So damn ugly, so damn cute
So well trained, so animal
So need your love, so fuck you all
I'm not scared of dying I just don't want to
If I stopped lying I'd just disappoint you
I come undone"
i seriously believe that Robbie wrote this song about people like ME and YOU!! LOL
um, so, why am i quoting this song to you you may ask? well, i dunno. no reason, hahaha. i just thought of that "thinking about thinking" line when i read your blog...
:)
i feel everything you say K. a lot of times i've also felt disconnected with the world, and sometimes i dont wanna be around other people. like you i know it's not the "real me" whoever she was. before my diagnosis, i was always on the go, never stayed in on a Saturday night, would dance my ass off and literally be the life of the party. now, i dont know where that gregarious person is anymore, and quite frankly, i dont wanna find her. i have come to accept this life of semi-isolation as it is what it is, and let it be. i dont know if this is making any sense, but here of late i have found myself having trouble making things make sense...because i feel so discombobulated.
ReplyDeleteyou are not alone hon. here's some hugs from me to you
(((((((((((((Kym))))))))))))))
one of these days we will figure it all out...
love peace and happiness
miz e (genelle)