It's been a couple of days since I updated, so it is time that I wrote something. I'm still struggling though and I am tired of writing about how crappy I am feeling when there is no reason for me to feel this way.It's hard to describe how I feel inside at present. I am just sitting here on the couch, in front of the computer, feeling like a lump. A lump of what I am not sure. I could say that I am feeling empty, but that doesn't quite describe it.
I think I am worried about starting work on Monday. Due to how I am feeling at present, I am scared that I will screw it up. I don't feel strong enough to cope and I have to be this time. It's do or die time when it comes to returning to the workforce and returning to the real world too I guess.
I don't know. I just want to lay down on the couch and stare off into space or something. I don't want to have to deal with anything. I wish I could allow myself to drift off to sleep, but I have to stay awake so I can organise Hubby's crib for his shift tonight. I don't want to have to move. I want to fade away.
What did the pdoc say to me last Wednesday during my appointment? That somehow this is all an act because I write about things that I get "joy" out of as well as this depressive garbage. I've noticed that he uses the word "pleasant" quite often as well. It's almost as if I have to look those words up in the dictionary. I can't identify with them at all. They both seem too strong a word.
All that I know at the moment is that there is an ache in my chest.
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Hey,
ReplyDeleteIt has been a very long time. But life has taken so many twists and turns that even I have not posted to my blog for I do not know how long.
I just took the time to read your last few posts. All I can say is that I hear you. I hear your voice and I hear your feelings. I know it probably does not help but still I listen. You have my empathy, not that you are looking for it or for anything for that matter but still I offer it. I have felt so similar for so many endless months not all that long ago. I think as you know I took on a change in work, a change in life. I face the fear that I too will fail, that I too am no longer able to do the kind of work I could. I face the thought that they will find out that I am bipolar or that I will have a huge shift in mood and all will collapse around me. The 30th will be two months. It is hard for me to even imagine. And perhaps the most interesting to me is that I like, I mean I really like what I am doing. I see people virtually every day that are in need in one way or another. I see those who suffer from bipolar and choose not to seek out medical help. I see what it has done to their lives and worse what it has and does to their children. I offer what help I can and they take advantage and will use you up and then move on. Then I see others who are working to make their lives better. I attend meetings with politicians and professionals in the field of mental health. I have jumped directly into the fire. So what is the point of what I am saying? You can do it. You have all the tools, all the ability, all the intelligence. I find myself so busy that I do not have time to get caught up in my own stuff. Again, you can do it. You have it in your heart and you have it in your soul. I do not mean to take away what you are feeling because I know it so well in myself. Anyway, perhaps none of this makes sense to you but know there are others out here that care and listen and understand.
I am sorry that you are feeling so crappy. I am trying to get a job as we speak and even as I am turning in resume's and such, I am scared they might actually call. For me, I think it will be better once I am there, but I have a really hard time going to new places and meeting new people. I also am at the point where I almost feel odd going to the other side of town. This side is mine, I know it well and I like to stay here. It sounds crazy I know, but it is true.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, I am determined to get some of my fall cleaning and sorting out done. I really need to do things like washing walls and shampoo carpet, stuff I hate to do-can't forget clean the oven....I( am sorry, I am off on a ramble now. Anyway, I was saying that I can really relate and I hope that after the first day it will get easier. If later on, you feel it stresses you, you can leave. That is a safety valve thought. Ok, I can do today and if I can't do it I can leave.....guess that sort of thinking makes things easier for me. Take care now.
Steve, thankyou for your kind words and support. I can understand the fear attached to the threat of failure, that somehow moods will change significantly and everything will fall apart. I'm so glad that your new path has been successful for you though. Congratulations! You seem to be handling it exceedingly well. You are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteJoey, you're a dag and I so like your definitions! :D
JC, thanks for your support too. I can certainly understand the fear of actually receiving a call from one of the employers you submitted your resume to. I've been like that too. I've applied for a couple of jobs I secretly hoped I wouldn't get, my new job included. I think I am very lucky to have worked at the school before. It certainly made my first day easier. Best of luck with your fall cleaning. Cleaning the oven! Eek! It sounds like you are going to keep yourself busy there for a while.