Today hasn't been so good. I am fixated on SH. I literally can't stop thinking about it. I've also indulged in a bit of it at different times throughout the day.
I can’t say what the hell has caused this to be such an issue today. I haven’t got a clue! It’s been a quiet day for me. I woke up to the husky wanting to go out for her “wee walk”, made myself a cup of coffee and sat down in front of the laptop to surf a few blogs via a couple of traffic exchanges. Lunch time rolled around, so I grabbed myself some (healthy for a change) food. I then decided to get away from the computer, so I went outside to do a little gardening. Thanks to an incredibly warm spring sun my gardening didn’t last too long. Instead I sat myself down on the front porch with a small bottle of Coke and my cigarettes to enjoy a bit of peaceful solitude. Unfortunately that turned out to be a bad idea because gloomy thoughts started running through my head at an alarming rate.
What sort of life have I made for myself? Was there something I should have been doing, to make my life worthwhile? I no longer believe that there is some sort of life purpose, some sort of journey that we are all on. Life is just a pointless drudgery. I can’t wait until it ends. Just how many more cigarettes do I need to smoke to hasten myself towards the end?
This time next week I would have finished my first day back at work. Why on earth am I going back to work? There’s no point to it other than to maybe bring a bit of extra money into the house. Why do we need that? Sure it will make paying the bills a little easier, but what else are we supposed to do with it? Save up to buy something that we wanted? Where’s the point in that?
Dammit, I think I am just in a funk today.
Im sorry disso_k. I really hope that tuesday is better for you. I hate when thoughs of SH consume me, it's so exhausting. I'm here if you need anything ok.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. I am with you though, you mirrored my thoughts exactly. I have been beating myself up about my past, decisions I have made, where I am now. I think of how hard I tried and it just doesn't seem right to be here. I guess that is mental illness and I guess that even folks without it are having a struggle right now. I am dealing with fall coming on and it scares me. Fall and winter can be hard and scary. I think that I need to get somewhere that the sun still shines in the winter. I hope that you feel better soon. I will send up a prayer.
ReplyDeleteDK- i know how you feel. it's like a huge neon "WHY" is flashing above our heads...i also have been feeling "not quite there" lately and trying hard as hell to figure out whatdafuck do i wanna do with the rest of my life. and i too am also a nicotine fiend...maybe it is a form of slow suicide, i dunno.
ReplyDelete*sigh*
sometimes life just sucks the big long one y'kno?
hang in there as best you can hon
miz e