I don't know quite where to start, except to say that I know, in a logical sense, that what I will probably end up writing about tonight is not true. I know its not. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that I don't feel like it's true.
I've completely shut down. I am a shell at the moment. Nothing exists within me. I am not real. Nothing that I have ever experienced has been real. It's all been part of some weird, bloody show that just won't stop. Gawd, I want it to stop. I really do. However I know that I can't make it stop. I am a failure in that sense. I don't have the fortitude to carry any of my plans or fantasies through.
I attended my pdoc appointment this afternoon. Of course I did. It's the only damn time when I talk/write like this. Okay, that's not entirely true. I can shut myself down at any time I suppose.
The drive home was horrendous. It was two hours of tunnel vision, just trying to concentrate enough to stay on the road. I don't know why I bothered to concentrate so much. The trees to the side of the road were inviting. I even cried on the way home. What's with that? I don't cry anymore.
I don't know what else to write. Maybe I will just end with Pink Floyd's words, "Stop! I wanna go home! Talk off this uniform and leave the show." I've had enough!
It is more the understandable that you would feel this way. Dealing with mental illness is no picnic.
ReplyDeleteTimes of despair hit like a freight train and often when we least expect it.
All I can say is just try to hold onto a strong branch as the whirlpool swirls around you.
oh hon i definitely feel ya on that! i found myself spacing out off and on today and i just saw my therapist yesterday....and the bitch of it is, i was feeling fine yesterday-WTF happened today?
ReplyDeleteit's like people who know me say that i have a lot going for myself, but i just dont see it. sure i write poetry, and have some artistic talents, but i just dont know what the hell to do about them. my pdoc increased my meds to calm the "psychotic features" of my illness, and now i walk around in a fucking fog...sleepy in the mornings and comatose at night....
if someone had told me being mentally ill was this bad, i probably would have ended it all a long time ago...
we just got to hang in there hon, even if we dont know or cant figure out why.
Hugs!
((((((((((((Kym)))))))))))))))
genelle a/k/a mizeeyore
I hope you are feeling better soon. I had a bad day the other day also, so I can relate in a sense. Just focus on the positive and try to let the negative go. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteUgh, sometimes those appointments only make things worse huh? I guess it has to get bad before it gets better. Put on some very comfy pjs, and watch a sad girly movie and get it all out :-)
ReplyDeleteHope tomorrow brings a brighter day for you.