Sounding a Little Crazy

I feel like I am emotionally dead. I can't seem to access "me". My chest is empty. There is a vacant space where my heart is supposed to be. I feel slightly desperate, almost like I know the essence of "me" exists somewhere deep inside my body, but it is out of reach.

I'm not saying that I am not showing any emotions outwardly. I am, or at least I was yesterday. I drove into the semi-big smoke yesterday with my old boss (or should I now change her title to current boss as of the 26th of September). We talked. We laughed. We shopped. It was "fun", or at least that was what it should have been. It doesn't feel like it was fun now. It was just an outing, nothing more.

I also attended my appointment with my pdoc yesterday. I have nothing really to report about this appointment. We spoke a little about my gun fantasy. I guess he was checking to see if it was just a fantasy. It is. It's a wish, a desire, a want, but unfortunately it will never come to be.

I'm sitting here trying too hard to remember what else was discussed during the appointment. My pdoc asked briefly about the shooting trips that my father took me on when I was a kid. He asked if they were a "pleasant" memory. I answered in the affirmative, but in reality, they are just a memory from my childhood. I don't feel anything positively or negatively attached to them.

So that is it. I am a body faking my way through existence; nothing more, nothing less. It's just the way things are.