Thinking Too Much?

Maybe I've been thinking too much today. Something still doesn't seem quite right. I probably should just tell my mind to shut up and forget it. I don't know. I'm not fond of the times when my mind seems blank. I prefer it when there are thoughts running through my head. I don't feel so shallow, like a case with no substance. At times like these however, I think it may be more beneficial to not let my thoughts wander.

Does what I have just written make any sense? It's just that things still feel a tad left of centre. I guess this ties into what I was thinking during yesterday's pdoc appointment, that is, the concept of reality and actually experiencing life rather than existing on a slightly different plane or something. Gawd, maybe I am milking this mental health thing and I should just get a grip and get over it. I don't know.

I feel out of step with my environment, the people at the school, my home life. It's not the "real" me communicating with these people. I don't really feel. It's all an act somehow. I'm just some sort of lone thing experiencing some sort of existence that isn't the same as a person's experience of life and the world.

Grrr! I am not making sense. I'm not part of the world? Yeah right! I must just be letting my mind fantasise too much. Get a grip. Get over it. Live with it. This is real. This is what life is. I may just live past my 40th birthday. Stop biding time until then. Blah!

Photo credit: screen shot from Linkin Park's "Numb" video clip

You Know You Are Getting Older When ...

... your eyesight goes all fuzzy when you are tired. Tiredness and keratoconus just don't mix. I won't even go into how difficult it has become to see what's written on a whiteboard at the front of a classroom. Yikes! Next I will be needing to train my furry kids to become guide dogs!

Whinging aside, today was surprisingly okay for a Wednesday. As per usual, I drove into the semi big smoke to attend my pdoc appointment. Today however, I decided to leave a little earlier and indulge in some serious retail therapy. I had an excuse for the spending spree though. Hubby and I are attending a wedding on the weekend, so I spent up big on a new outfit and some jewellery. Woohoo! Just as well I am working again. I'm going to need the extra money just to pay off all my purchases.

My pdoc appointment went quite well, all things considered. I was a little more talkative than usual. The pdoc and I actually had a couple of short conversations. Shock! Yay me for talking in sentences!

Basically we spent the appointment discussing what I had written in this blog over the past week. For what seemed to be the first time, I could relate to what he said about my experiences of the past week ... how I had been scared about returning to work and that perhaps my version of reality (in respect to how I thought that I didn't really have the job) had been a little off. Mmmm. The description that I have just written doesn't give what he said justice. What he said was actually a heck of a lot clearer than that. Oh well. I've never claimed to have a good memory.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that tonight. I have a few more thoughts running through my head about what I was thinking during the pdoc appointment. I'm feeling pretty tired though, so I think I will have an early night and watch a little TV before getting some sleep. Hopefully I will remember these thoughts and write about them during the week.

Confronted By Cuteness and Boy, Work is Exhausting

My friend is going to kill me if she ever discovers this photo featuring her butt on the internet, but it is just way too cute not to share with everybody. I'm talking about the image of the colt leaning forward to "kiss" his "grandmother", not the woman's butt itself.

This afternoon after work, I was treated to a visit with my friend's mare and three week old colt. The colt was absolutely adorable! I even got to pat him a little after he overcame his initial shyness of me. I've never been that close to such a young horse. The experience was kind of special.

Anyway, my second day of being back in the workforce went as well as the first. Oh my gawd, I am exhausted though! I had forgotten just how tiring work could be. So far it is tiring in a positive sense. Perhaps a little guiltily, I am glad that I have tomorrow off. I need a break already!

I experienced a small success with one of my students today. Shortly after meeting him yesterday, I discovered that he was a bit of a ratbag, not in the nasty sense though. He just seems to get bored with the work very quickly, becomes quite talkative and refuses to continue on with any further work, saying that it is "too hard". Over the past couple of days, when I tried to redirect him back to his work, he had a tendency to just ignore me and keep facing the other way. Yikes! That sort of behaviour would have gotten old very quickly! I decided to try to nip it in the bud this afternoon. I calmly knelt down in front of him and explained to him that I didn't appreciate being ignored when I was speaking and that I expected him to stop his chatting and pay attention to me ... you know, using all the "effective communication techniques". Lo and behold, the student actually turned back to his work and let me sit with him while he finished it all. Holy gawd! I don't think I have ever had such a resounding success using "proper communication" with a student before. I was pretty chuffed!

Perhaps a bit of a bizarre thing, considering how good my last two days have been, is that I am still thinking of self harm. I am keen to indulge in a little bit of it tonight. It seems silly that it has been on my mind today. Maybe it's due to me having a pdoc appointment tomorrow. Maybe it is just because I am feeling a little tired. I don't know. Hubby is on days off at the moment, so I will probably not get the chance tonight anyway.

Success!

Well, I survived! It was my first day back at work today after over twelve months of sitting on my butt. Okay, well three months of that I spent in a couple of different hospitals, but you get that hey. Gawd, I can't believe that I haven't done a lick of work since July last year. Geez!

I suppose I will continue with a rundown of my day.

To begin with, I woke up on time. Phew! Given my recent track record of sleeping what seems like the entire day away, I was a little anxious about waking up on time. There were no problems there though, and surprise surprise, I stayed awake the entire day. I'll shout myself a stubbie for that. *Swallows a mouthful of beer*

I must admit that I was, to put it bluntly, shitting bricks this morning. I was still thinking that this job thing was all a dream that my brain had somehow concocted and I would turn up at the school, only to be told that I had been mistaken about the job offer. Of course that didn't happen. I turned up for work and everything was fine. Duh!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my first day back in the workforce wasn't as scary as I had imagined. I think it certainly helped going back to a workplace with which I was familiar. Although there was a large turnover of staff at the end of last year, the vast majority of teachers and support staff who did know me from my previous work at the school were incredibly welcoming. It was almost like I had never left. It was fun (or should that be challenging) to work with the students again.

Time for bed. I'm exhausted!

Dreaming of Work

Firstly, it's hard to believe that I start work tomorrow. It has felt like a dream ever since I was offered the job. I'm tempted to ring up my boss today to make sure that I didn't imagine the whole job thing. It seems so unreal. I'm scared of turning up at the office tomorrow only to be looked at strangely because I was not offered the job after all.

Secondly, I dreamt about work last night. The school looked incredibly different to when I used to work there, but it was the same school nevertheless. Some of the people were different too, although the deputy principal, who has since retired, featured in my dream.

The details of the dream are a little sketchy now as it has been a couple of hours since I woke up. I remember the school's library though. It was huge, nothing like the school's actual library. At that point of the dream, I had run out of work. Consequently, I canvassed the office staff for something to do. They asked if I would take a letter over to the library. I remember being a little unsure about this. I checked the letter's recipient a couple of times with the office staff. I then walked over to the library, only to be confronted with a long line to get in and a confusing entrance. I eventually found my way in, past a teacher whom I recognised. As I entered the library and furtively looked around for the place where I needed to drop off the letter, the librarian emerged. I recognised her as well. She asked about why I had been away for so long, indicating that she had thought I took time off to renovate my house or something. I told her that I had been ill and left it at that. The librarian then pointed towards the office where the letter's recipient worked. I entered the office. A woman was sitting at a desk with her back to me. I asked her what her name was, to ensure that I gave the letter to the correct person. She wouldn't tell me. I asked her again. She still refused to tell me her name. I gave her the letter; however, I bent down to her ear and threatened her, saying that she would never get any assistance from me.

I exited the library. The students and teachers were all heading towards the parade area. I decided to attend the parade as well, walking through a fence which just opened up for me as I went through it, then into a building and down a staircase which was covered with students' artwork towards its base. The artwork made the staircase slippery, so I had to be careful to keep my footing.

I didn't actually make it to the parade ground itself. There were too many students and teachers milling around. Instead I stopped at the base of the staircase and sat down amongst the crowd to listen to what I could hear of the school parade.

As I was sitting there amongst the students, a heavy earth moving machine (something like a small excavator I guess) appeared around the corner. The people where I was sitting, myself included, were concerned that the machine would somehow manoeuvre into the staircase's alcove. We consequently quickly moved up the staircase to escape the machine's path.

After a while of listening to the parade, I decided it was time to slip out for a quick cigarette. For some bizarre reason, I did not take my car. Instead I took the school's bus. To cut this part of the dream short, I had a couple of cigarettes whilst driving the bus around and then returned to the school. Once back at the school, I walked past the deputy principal, told her that I had taken the bus instead of my car and that was the end of the dream.

Aching Emptiness?

It's been a couple of days since I updated, so it is time that I wrote something. I'm still struggling though and I am tired of writing about how crappy I am feeling when there is no reason for me to feel this way.

It's hard to describe how I feel inside at present. I am just sitting here on the couch, in front of the computer, feeling like a lump. A lump of what I am not sure. I could say that I am feeling empty, but that doesn't quite describe it.

I think I am worried about starting work on Monday. Due to how I am feeling at present, I am scared that I will screw it up. I don't feel strong enough to cope and I have to be this time. It's do or die time when it comes to returning to the workforce and returning to the real world too I guess.

I don't know. I just want to lay down on the couch and stare off into space or something. I don't want to have to deal with anything. I wish I could allow myself to drift off to sleep, but I have to stay awake so I can organise Hubby's crib for his shift tonight. I don't want to have to move. I want to fade away.

What did the pdoc say to me last Wednesday during my appointment? That somehow this is all an act because I write about things that I get "joy" out of as well as this depressive garbage. I've noticed that he uses the word "pleasant" quite often as well. It's almost as if I have to look those words up in the dictionary. I can't identify with them at all. They both seem too strong a word.

All that I know at the moment is that there is an ache in my chest.

Photo credit: stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I don't know quite where to start, except to say that I know, in a logical sense, that what I will probably end up writing about tonight is not true. I know its not. Unfortunately that doesn't mean that I don't feel like it's true.

I've completely shut down. I am a shell at the moment. Nothing exists within me. I am not real. Nothing that I have ever experienced has been real. It's all been part of some weird, bloody show that just won't stop. Gawd, I want it to stop. I really do. However I know that I can't make it stop. I am a failure in that sense. I don't have the fortitude to carry any of my plans or fantasies through.

I attended my pdoc appointment this afternoon. Of course I did. It's the only damn time when I talk/write like this. Okay, that's not entirely true. I can shut myself down at any time I suppose.

The drive home was horrendous. It was two hours of tunnel vision, just trying to concentrate enough to stay on the road. I don't know why I bothered to concentrate so much. The trees to the side of the road were inviting. I even cried on the way home. What's with that? I don't cry anymore.

I don't know what else to write. Maybe I will just end with Pink Floyd's words, "Stop! I wanna go home! Talk off this uniform and leave the show." I've had enough!

It's Tuesday

I've got a heap of things I need to do tonight, because, well, I slept in until 1:00pm or so. Woops! Bloody husky for waking me up so early in the first place. 5:30am! What's with that? I just had to go back to bed after I let her out for her "wee walk".

Joey, thanks for the phone call. I have been thinking about you a lot lately, wondering how you were going and all. I know, I know, I should have rung. Bad me! Still, it was great to talk to you about utter shit for hours. Dogs' twats. Mmmm!

Anyway, last night I took the dogs outside for their last wee walk only to be confronted by a huge, almost full moon in the sky. I decided to break out the camera to see if I could get any decent pics of it. I don't think I particularly succeeded in that, but I don't mind this particular photo. With the moon showing through the dead branches of one of the trees in my backyard, it looks kind of desolate. I can certainly relate to that at the moment. *Sigh*

As for how I am going today, well all that I can say is that Joey rang at a very good time. Just before the phone rang, I was seriously thinking about breaking out the ole razors again. Gawd, maybe I shouldn't write about it here because I will want to do it again. I've got too much to do tonight though, so no time for that sort of thing.

Anyway, time for a quick shower, put a couple loads of washing on, pop out to Woolies to buy some food for Hubby's crib tomorrow and of course, organise his crib and uniform. What a fun evening. Ick!

*Sigh*

Maybe I should stop at the *sigh* and go no further. I guess that would make one pointless post though.

Today hasn't been so good. I am fixated on SH. I literally can't stop thinking about it. I've also indulged in a bit of it at different times throughout the day.

I can’t say what the hell has caused this to be such an issue today. I haven’t got a clue! It’s been a quiet day for me. I woke up to the husky wanting to go out for her “wee walk”, made myself a cup of coffee and sat down in front of the laptop to surf a few blogs via a couple of traffic exchanges. Lunch time rolled around, so I grabbed myself some (healthy for a change) food. I then decided to get away from the computer, so I went outside to do a little gardening. Thanks to an incredibly warm spring sun my gardening didn’t last too long. Instead I sat myself down on the front porch with a small bottle of Coke and my cigarettes to enjoy a bit of peaceful solitude. Unfortunately that turned out to be a bad idea because gloomy thoughts started running through my head at an alarming rate.

What sort of life have I made for myself? Was there something I should have been doing, to make my life worthwhile? I no longer believe that there is some sort of life purpose, some sort of journey that we are all on. Life is just a pointless drudgery. I can’t wait until it ends. Just how many more cigarettes do I need to smoke to hasten myself towards the end?

This time next week I would have finished my first day back at work. Why on earth am I going back to work? There’s no point to it other than to maybe bring a bit of extra money into the house. Why do we need that? Sure it will make paying the bills a little easier, but what else are we supposed to do with it? Save up to buy something that we wanted? Where’s the point in that?

Dammit, I think I am just in a funk today.

Aussie Idol Week 2 Finals

I'm turning into such an Australian Idol addict this year. I am absolutely loving some of this year's contestants. Unfortunately tonight I missed a couple of the girl's performances because I had a telephone call. That was a bit of a bummer. I did get to see my two favourites though.

• Dan England: the guy with the dreads. Gawd his voice is phenomenal. He sang "Unchained Melody" tonight. Initially I thought that it was a bizarre song choice for him, but he blew me away. I'm really hoping that he wins this year.
• Lee Harding: the punk guy. He sang "I'm A Believer" and performed it brilliantly. His voice isn't as strong as some of the other contestants so I don't think he will win. I hope he sticks around for a while though because he is a hell of a lot of fun.
  

As for the girls' performances, I did get to see Kate's. I thought it was pretty good. The girl can certainly sing. I missed Emily's performance due to the phone call. I caught the tail end of what the judges' were saying about her performance. Apparently she did really well. From last week's performance, she does have an excellent voice.

Weird and Wonderful Dreams

Just recently, I seem to be able to dream again. I suppose it would be more correct to say that I am able to remember an occasional dream upon waking. I haven't been able to remember my dreams for such a long time now. I guess it is good that this ability is returning, although it could be because a certain furry pain in the butt is waking me up early these days to take her outside for a "wee walk".

Last night's dream is similar to one I have had before, or at least I think it is. It seemed a little familiar. This time around, however, the dream had more detail. The details of the dream are as follows.

I had just moved into an older style home with a number of other people. All of us were students of some kind. Each of us picked out our bedrooms. Some of us (me included I think) had to share our bedroom with another person. A couple of the guys had their own bedrooms.

We each moved our own furniture into our chosen bedrooms. My television graced the living room however, as I remember reclining on the couch at one stage during the dream, watching whatever was showing.

It soon became apparent that the house was haunted. As I entered a long, empty room, I saw the ghost of a young boy fleeing across the room and out the far doorway. Just after he disappeared, a female house mate entered the room. I told her what I had seen. She indicated that she had also seen the ghost of the boy.

From that point in the dream, it seemed as if I had experienced the house before. I knew the ghosts that inhabited the house and where their favourite haunts where. I walked around the rooms of the house and identified the particular rooms where the ghosts frequented. There was the young boy who was seen in the long, empty room. There was also a young woman although I can't remember which room she frequented now. Both the boy and the woman were harmless.

The boy and woman were not the only ghosts to inhabit the old house. There was also a malevolent male entity. As I walked past one of the guys' bedrooms, I recognised it to be one of the rooms where the male entity's presence could be felt.

Just past the bedroom was a staircase and a small alcove of a room. In this alcove was a young girl who was apparently visiting one of the house mates. Her bedding was set up in the small, rectangular space, so apparently she was going to sleep there during her visit. Instantly I knew that this area was the epicentre of the malevolent entity's hauntings. For some bizarre reason I told the young girl about the ghost. (What adult would scare a child with such a story ... geez). To redeem myself a little, I spent a short time explaining to the girl that there was really nothing to worry about and if she was to become scared, to seek out one of the adults in the house.

After speaking with the girl, the spooky stuff started happening to me. This is the part of the dream where I don't remember a great deal of detail, but it appeared that the malevolent entity wanted to play with me a bit. One instance involved the staircase in between the guy's bedroom and the girl's alcove. Here, the entity somehow caught me up in some sort of rope and flung me around the staircase's banister. I think he was trying to choke me. The second instance occurred in another long room. Essentially, he picked me up in the air and floated me around the room. He meant to do me some sort of harm again, but did not succeed in doing so.

Anyway, that was my dream. It played like a movie in my head really, so it wasn't a scary nightmare or anything along those lines. Still, it is sort of funny to sit back now this afternoon and write down my recollections of the dream.

Photo credit: stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site

Touching Base

It's been a while since I have written a post on how I have been going with my moods, emotions and such. The truth is that I had been feeling incredibly low there for a while and felt like I needed to take a break from focusing daily on my state of wellbeing when I posted to this journal. It's time to reflect a little however and touch base with myself again.

To begin with, I guess I don't feel in touch with myself. I feel shallow, lost to myself. I think I might be missing the substance that I used to have, way back there during a time that I have largely forgotten. I'm pretty sure that that time existed though. It's just that the longer this lasts, the less sure I am.

Maybe it all comes back to the "just existing" thing. I'm not sure. All that I know is that this doesn't feel right. Having said that though, I don't know if I really care to live or not. As I have mentioned before, it is the just existing that has kept me going. I cannot hope that there is more. It is too dangerous.

Gawd, is this making any sense at all?

Secondly, I seem to be getting into the razor play again. I went so long with not being able to do it. It's becoming easier again though. I am wanting to do it. I am wanting to go further with it. For the first time in a long time this morning, I had the "aaaahhhhhh" feeling when I did it. That's why it can be so alluring. I guess I should be thankful thank it is only incredibly superficial and that I haven't burnt again.

So there it is. That was my "touching base" post. Despite what I have written, I am actually travelling okay, at least outwardly anyway. It's just the inside that is barren.

Feral Feathered Fiends

It's that time of the year again. When out walking, be sure to wear a hat. In fact, wear a helmet. It's magpie swooping season.

About this time every year, the humble Aussie magpie turns a little nasty. It's nesting time for them and they are ones for making sure that their babies are safe. They dive bomb anything that they see as a threat.

This year I have a front row seat to all the action. Right across the road from my house is a particularly feisty magpie that has been swooping everybody who rides past on a bicycle. The evil part of me is enjoying every minute of the action too. Every so often I hear the telltale squawk of the diving magpie. I then rush to the window to see a kid tearing along the footpath, followed closely by a blurred black and white feathered streak. I can't help myself. It's just really funny!

I must admit that I've had my embarrassing experiences with swooping magpies. The worst experience happened a couple of years ago when I was working at the local high school. During the middle of lunch, in front of all the students, I was hit by a magpie whilst walking across the
parade ground. The students had a field day with it. A magpie's peck really hurts too!

Photo credit: stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site

Treasured Memories

Okay, maybe my memories are not so treasured, but that is a topic for another post. What I want to write about tonight is old photographs and their significance.

A short time ago, I was chatting with an online bud ( to DuskyDawn) and the conversation turned to Australia's Great Barrier Reef. In the early 1990's I visited Queensland's Whitsunday region (arguably the best place to see the natural beauty of the reef). Shortly after arriving home from my trip to the area, I made up a whole album of the photographs I had taken whilst away. This album has followed me through all the different moves I have made since that time.

When DD and I were talking about the reef, I thought it would be a great idea to quickly scan a couple of photos from that album to show her. I scampered off to the computer room, where Hubby and I have a big book case which houses most of our photo albums. I couldn't find the album anywhere.

For days, I periodically searched for the photo album. It bugged me that I had misplaced it. I have always been one to keep old photographs, school year books and that sort of memorabilia; buggered if I know why really. Once in a blue moon, I just like to blow the dust off them and have a quick browse through the images.

Tonight I finally found the missing photo album hiding amongst a few of my Hubby's older albums which sit on top of our wardrobe in the bed room. I wouldn't go so far to say that I am greatly relieved to have found it. I would have, however, been disappointed to have never seen it ever again.

It made me think of a friend of mine, whose house burnt down years ago. She lost all her keepsakes due to the fire; her wedding album, photos of her kids when they were young, everything. I don't know. It just seems like that would be a horrible thing to have happen.

You Know You Live in a Small Town When ...

... the big news story in this week's newspaper is about the police station's sprinkler being "brazenly" stolen.

I can't help but laugh. I think that this is the funniest thing I've read in ages! If the local police can't even keep their own property safe, what are the rest of us to do? I better watch out for my garden gnomes. They may be next!

I guess I am lucky to live in a place where this is one of the big news stories.

Sleep, Sleep and More Sleep

I've really got to get my act together when it comes to taking my night time meds. I've been taking them far too late which has resulted in me sleeping the majority of the day away. I must admit that I don't really mind not having to deal with the world during the day, but it does impact on me being the "good wifey" and getting stuff done. *Choke*

I just haven't been that organised. When Hubby is working day shift, I generally wait until after I have finished sorting out his crib and ironing his uniform for the next day to take my meds. It means that I am not taking them until around midnight. Once I finally drift off to sleep, I am snoring my way through until 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon. I've got to get myself organised before I start work in a couple of weeks.

Do I really want to get myself organised? Have I become so used to just existing rather than living life? Just existing is what has gotten me through. Expecting too much out of this existence is what got me into trouble in the first place.

Australian Idol

Australian Idol is in full swing now. It was the first live show tonight with the 13 finalists. Tonight's theme was Aussie music.

The contest is full of people with fantastic voices. I am so stoked though, that there are a few contestants who go beyond just the snore worthy pop genre into rock and punk. If these guys stick it out for a while, I am going to really enjoy this year's contest.

My favourites so far are:

• Tarni Stephens - the rocker chick ... loved her
  
• Emily Williams - young woman with a nice voice
  
• Anne Robertson - another young woman with a lovely voice
  
• Lee Harding - the punk guy ... love his look
• Dan England - I love this guy ... if only I was 21 again

Nocturnal Visitors

Isn't he the ugliest thing you've ever seen!

I've been meaning to photograph one of these guys for ages now, so tonight I took my camera outside and lined up a couple of toads for a photo shoot. This guy was particularly photogenic. His friend was quite camera shy and just kept hopping away.

Cane toads are the bane of my existence! My dogs love to chase them. Countless times I have had to shove the garden hose down my Aussie's throat to wash out a toad's poison. The poison from one of these guys can kill a dog.

These warty critters may rule my backyard at night, but at least the furry kids and I are safe, warm and comfortable inside sleeping on our king-size bed.

Sounding a Little Crazy

I feel like I am emotionally dead. I can't seem to access "me". My chest is empty. There is a vacant space where my heart is supposed to be. I feel slightly desperate, almost like I know the essence of "me" exists somewhere deep inside my body, but it is out of reach.

I'm not saying that I am not showing any emotions outwardly. I am, or at least I was yesterday. I drove into the semi-big smoke yesterday with my old boss (or should I now change her title to current boss as of the 26th of September). We talked. We laughed. We shopped. It was "fun", or at least that was what it should have been. It doesn't feel like it was fun now. It was just an outing, nothing more.

I also attended my appointment with my pdoc yesterday. I have nothing really to report about this appointment. We spoke a little about my gun fantasy. I guess he was checking to see if it was just a fantasy. It is. It's a wish, a desire, a want, but unfortunately it will never come to be.

I'm sitting here trying too hard to remember what else was discussed during the appointment. My pdoc asked briefly about the shooting trips that my father took me on when I was a kid. He asked if they were a "pleasant" memory. I answered in the affirmative, but in reality, they are just a memory from my childhood. I don't feel anything positively or negatively attached to them.

So that is it. I am a body faking my way through existence; nothing more, nothing less. It's just the way things are.

Nothing Much to Say

I'm "blog dead" tonight (as opposed to brain dead that is). I haven't really got a lot to talk about, although I feel that I should write an entry because I have my appointment with the pdoc tomorrow. I guess I will start from where I left off in my previous entry then.

Firstly, my Monday was very similar to my Sunday. I slept in until incredibly late (around lunch time). When I finally did awake, I woke up to figurative darkness again. I'm not going well at shaking these current blues at all.

Secondly, today was quite busy for me. I spent a lot of time around at a friend's house helping her with something that she wanted done on the Internet and drinking copious amounts of coffee. I also had my yearly check up at the optometrist. The good news is that any change in vision has been minimal. The KC monster has definitely lost his foot hold over my eyes during the past few years or so.

I think being out of the house did help my mood a little. I was able to share a laugh with the friend that I visited. Tonight, I am back to the emotionless state.

Just a Quickie

Just a quick post for tonight. I'm feeling pretty tired so it's almost time to call it a night.

I just wanted to note that my mood has lifted a little this afternoon. My thoughts aren't as dark. In fact my mind hasn't wandered back into yesterday's fantasies at all.

This morning was still fairly grim. I felt myself "slipping away" for a short period while I was trying to chat on the Net. The feeling didn't last all that long though.

I did end up falling off the wagon so to speak today. It's been ages since I have SH'ed, but today I found myself searching for my implement of choice and having a little "play time". It was nothing serious though.

Just after falling off the wagon, I treated myself to a nice, warm bath. I think the bath did the trick because since then I have been feeling okay. At worst, I am a little numbed out and definitely tired. Other than that though, it appears that I can perhaps look forward to an increasingly better mood for tomorrow.

Time for bed.

Grim Honesty

I believe that I should offer a bit of a warning about this post from the outset. Today hasn't been the best of days for me in an emotional sense. I'm going to write honestly about what has been going on in my head today. It won't be "G rated".

I woke up late and stayed in bed for most of the day, alternating between sleeping, watching a little television and eating too much. I felt incredibly unmotivated and just a little sleepy all day. As an aside, I am sick to death of eating too much. I've become a garbage disposal unit of late. It's becoming ridiculous.

I experienced rather dark thoughts today as well. To be brutally honest, thoughts of death were running through my mind on a rather consistent basis. They aren't "active" thoughts, so there is nothing to worry about in that respect. Perhaps the thoughts can be better described as "fantasies". For example, I know that my father owns a rifle or two. Today's thoughts revolved around visiting his place when the family was away and breaking into his gun safe. I will leave the ending of this "fantasy" up to the imagination.

So, that has been my day. I'm probably back to my emotionless state at the moment. I've got to organise Hubby's crib for his day shift tomorrow. After I have done that, I think it will be straight to bed for me.

Furry Visitor

I woke up this morning to the sound of meowing. The strange cat is still hanging around the front yard. I can't believe he stuck around over night! We locked our old guy in the house last night to try to dissuade the visitor from staying.

The two rivals!

Friends?

This morning I decided to sit down and have a coffee and a few cigarettes on the front porch to see if I could get a better look at our visitor. He appears to be an intact male. Eek! I do hope that he is not trying to hone in on our kitty's territory. I'll wring our visitor's furry, little neck if he chases our cat away.

However, after a short spat or two this morning, the two cats seem to be becoming accustomed to each other. They are both snoozing on Hubby's old speedway car's bonnet at the moment.

Mmmm. Our visitor must be getting quite hungry by now. I'm tempted to leave some food out for him tonight if he is still here.

I wonder where he came from?

Back in the Workforce

I got the job. My old boss phoned a short time ago to inform me that I was successful in gaining the teacher aide position. I start on the 26th of September, just after school goes back from the September holidays. The position continues until school breaks for the summer on the 9th of December.

Apparently the school only interviewed two people, myself and the guy that I mentioned in my previous post. Here's the clincher though. We both got the job. He will be working with the year 9 students and I will be working with the year 8 students.

I don't know how to feel about this. I don't feel happy. I'm not overly worried about it. In fact, I sort of feel nothing at all.

Theoretically I know that this could be a great job. Although it's "only" a teacher aide position, there is plenty of scope to be creative within it, much more so than the general teacher aide positions at the school. It's a new position for the school, so nothing is set in stone. The focus is definitely on the kids, increasing their numeracy and literacy skills and generally making school an environment in which they may want to hang around a few more years. (Statistically, numeracy, literacy and retention rates for Indigenous students are significantly lower than the general student population).

So, I dunno. Yay me for getting the job I guess.

More Animal Antics

And the cat came back,
It wouldn't stay away.
It was pissing us off,
The very next day.

Oh my god, the dogs are going crazy! There has been a strange cat hanging around our front yard, meowing its fool head off, since this afternoon. It just won't go away! Hubby and I have hosed it, chased it up the road, even tried to entice it over to us for a pat to see if it is sick or something. We've even locked our kitty inside for the night so it doesn't have a "friend" to talk to. The damn thing just keeps coming back and meowing, and meowing, and meowing. It's even peered at us through a window. Ugh! What is wrong with the thing? Are there any cat behaviourists out there in blog land?

Spring Has Sprung

Well, Spring has definitely arrived in central Queensland. According to The Weather Channel website, the forecast for my neck of the woods was 29 degrees (celius) today. We are going to hit the low 30's over the weekend. Ick! I'm not a fan of summer at all! It must be time to consider moving to the northern hemisphere for the next six months. I wish!

Today's job interview went well. I knew everyone on the selection panel, so it made the whole process a lot more comfortable. I was surprised how easy the interview questions were too, so I'm pretty sure that I breezed through them. As always happens after an interview, I thought of a few more things that I could have added to my answers after the interview had finished. Not to worry I guess. Everybody would be in the same boat.

Even though my interview went well, I'm not terribly confident about being offered the job. The person who was interviewed before me appeared to be an Indigenous male. Due to the nature of the position, I honestly think that unless the guy really sucked during the interview, it would probably be wiser for the school to offer him the job. It just makes sense to me. The selection panel are planning to make a decision by tomorrow though, so I will know either way very soon.

As for my mood, I guess I am going a little better today. I suppose I am feeling more flat and emotionless than anything else ... one of my "I couldn't care less about anything" moods. I've been a master of fakeness today by need.