Pouring It Out

Today has been a bit of a mixture of thoughts, emotions and feelings. Where did my numbness go? I miss it.

Although it can be very difficult to switch into work mode, I am finding more and more that the time I spend with the students at school has become my saving grace. When busy, I have to stay focused on the students. This pushes my darker thoughts to the back of my mind and thus gives me a reprieve from feeling low, if only for an hour at a time.

Its the times where I am not busy at work or am at home that remain a struggle. When I arrived at work this morning, I retreated into the CEC's office before the start of my first class. Sitting there alone I felt sad, hopeless and desperately wishing that I did not have to face another day. These thoughts and feelings were instantly pushed to the back my mind when the students entered the classroom.

Now that my work day is over and I am once again at home, I've found that the darker thoughts have returned. Everything seems hopeless again. I feel stuck. I wish I could escape. I know that it is virtually impossible to do so.

I'm not fond of the return of "me". I'd rather be gone and replaced with whoever had taken my body over in the past. Being me again means I feel things. It means I experience emotions. It means that I am bloody unhappy with my life the way it is. I still would rather it be over.

Joey, I got to get my butt down there for that pizza. I think I need a bit of an escape too.