I was full of rage when I initially went to write what was to be this blog entry. Then I opened up too many resource-sucking programs for my laptop, which is sadly lacking in RAM, to handle. Poof went what I had written due to all the non-responsive programs. I'm still angry, although some of that anger has given way to disappointment, frustration and sadness.I've had a gutful! I feel used. I feel disrespected. I feel hopeless. It's like Hubby doesn't want to be with me for who I am. It's like all he wants is someone to look after him. It's like he wants someone to do everything for him. It seems as if all he wants is a woman to cook for him, to clean for him, to iron for him, to do his washing, to have sex with him and the list goes on and on. It could be anyone. It wouldn't necessarily have to be me. He'd be fucking happier with his own little Mrs June Cleaver, who would smile her way through the "traditional housewife" role, anyway.
What bought on this rant? It seems so trivial now that I sit down to write about it, but together with a whole bunch of other little things, an insurmountable mole hill is rapidly forming. This evening's episode is about a fucking movie believe it or not. Hubby has wanted to see the last Star Wars movie on DVD for a short while now. He wanted to get it out last Thursday night but I said that I was feeling really tired and just wanted to relax before going to bed. Friday night he mentioned the DVD again. I told him that I wouldn't go out and get it for him. What I neglected to mention is that he was quite welcome to go out and get it for himself. Silly me! I thought that was just implied. Tonight, he wakes up and finds me sitting in the lounge room. He immediately comes over to me, sits down by my side and starts sucking up to me so that I would go out to the video store and get the DVD out for him. Once again, I tell him that I would not go out to get the DVD. This time I tell him that he is quite welcome to go out himself and I would watch the DVD with him. Once he finally clicks that I am serious, he gets up off the couch, storms into the kitchen and starts grumbling to himself.
Why am I supposed to jump to attention at his every beck and call? Why is it, that if I don't jump to attention, he gets pissed off, rolls his eyes and storms away muttering to himself. Like I said previously, I have had a gutful. It seems that the only conversations we have now begin with him waking up and demanding something. He comes home from work, mutters a few sentences, then goes directly to his computer room and shuts himself away for the night. When not at work, he sleeps all day and plays on the computer all night. I am not a wife or life partner. I am merely a maid who is piss poor at doing her job.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I felt supported. When I was at my worst with this depression thing, all that I got from him was, "I don't understand". Admittedly, I couldn't tell him what was wrong with me at that stage. I felt empty. I felt like shit. I couldn't verbally communicate how I was feeling. I did however, give him an address to an Australian website devoted to providing information about depression and which also featured a support forum for family members of people with depression. Did he take the time to visit it? No! He didn't bother. I only got more of the "I don't understand" remarks. The first time I was admitted to hospital he never bothered to visit. I was the one that had to leave hospital for the night and visit him. The second time I was admitted to hospital, he didn't even want to drive me into the semi big smoke. A friend of mine had to talk with him frankly in order for him to take me to hospital. Even then, he wanted to drop me at the hospital's front door and leave. I realise that this is all ancient history and I probably shouldn't even be writing about it, but I feel so close to giving up on everything it is not funny.
Fuck these emotions! Where's that mind-numbing emptiness that I used to have. I want it back! I'm sick of feeling sad, used, angry, pissed-off and absolutely fucking hopeless.
Sorry Hubby if you read this and go, "WTF! Where did this come from?" I needed to vent. I needed to get this out. Let's face it, this is the only place that I can release my emotions freely without being interrupted.
You can not expect your husband to understand depression, especially if you yourself have trouble understanding. However, it is within reasonable expectations that your loved one try to support you through hard times.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to be pissed off. Do not beat yourself up. You can't control how other people react. Do not judge your self worth based on the reactions of others. The way he is handling this is a reflection of a problem within him, not you.
Big hugs.
I agree with denise. :D
ReplyDelete*mutters something about chauvinism & self-centred men*
It is NOT too much to ask for a bit of support and understanding from your spouse, from the person who is supposed to be your partner in life. When you love someone unconditionally, when you love someone for WHO THEY ARE, you want them to be happy & you go out of our way to make them feel special... i dunno maybe i'm just romanticising life.
As you know i stayed with my hub for years even tho he treated me like shit & we really weren't right for each other. He didn't care about anything except himself and his own needs, and after that the kids. And i made the mistake of not verbalising my need to "feel" loved and wanted and valued. I made the mistake of being strong and acting like i didn't need him or anyone else to help me. Could I have made him realise just how much i needed him to care? maybe, but probably not. Some men seem to just be like that. *shrugs*
Luke is different yet again - he has this unique blend of care and compassion versus selfishness. And thats hard too. I've got to try harder to vocalise my needs more too, dammit. Same old mistakes. *sigh*
Its so hard to know what to do at any given point in time isn't it?? You can't change a man, you just can't. You can TRY to talk to them, but more often than not they don't "get" us.
I dunno. I like the idea of freezing sperm to procreate, and then killing off all the men. *mwuahaha*
You in on the genocidal plan lol??
We'll start with S and A.. cos of the life insurance factor!!! hahaha. Richness, here we come!!!
Emotions are a scary thing. It gets worse before it gets better. Right now while you wrote this I'm sure you felt like you were stuck in a big room full with fog and you can't see your way clearly. You know these emotions are learning about them is what puts YOU in control.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry hubby can be such a pompass ass. Its okay to be mad at him and its okay to love him. Men are strange creatures.
The dark side of the force he has. No good he seems. Much fear and selfishness I sense in him.
ReplyDeleteMen. Waddayagonnado? Like toads, they're just here to put up with eh.
Hope things change for the better soon K