Homework Assignment 2

I don't know why I hate you. In fact, I don't know if I really do hate you. I don't know why I sometimes think you have hurt me deeply, beyond repair. I remember very little about our relationship. I don't know what I ever did to you. All that I do remember however, seems to be negative. I don't remember you ever saying that you loved me.

I don't remember when you told me this, but why did you tell me that my father had held a gun to you? Why did you lie? Why does Dad think that as kids, during our access visits with him, my brother and I were "under fear of death" if we told him anything about our lives with you.

Why do I remember sitting on the back steps with the family dog, listening to you beating the living shit out of my brother? Did you use your cane on him that day? I don't remember you ever hitting me!

Why did my brother become the black sheep of the family? You excluded him from your will. You told me that he was phoning you all the time and then just hanging up without saying anything. Now I think of it, you thought your partner's ex-wife was doing the same.

As a young adult, I remember sitting down with my brother and discussing our relationships with you. The conversation stemmed from the last episode of "Family Ties" that we had just viewed. I think we were equating the mother's actions in that episode to your own; how the show's mother was having difficulty coping with her children becoming young adults and was therefore behaving in a negative manner. That's all I remember from that conversation though.

When I first moved out of your house, I remember us having some sort of fight. I guess I was around eighteen at the time. I suppose the fight was about me moving out. I really can't remember. I didn't last out in the big, wide world for long though. I remember you and your partner helping me move back into your house after I became freaked out by one of my flatmates' attentions.

During my last year at uni I moved back into your home to complete my last work placement in Brisbane. I remember having a huge fight then. I even dreamt about the fight the night before it happened. How weird is that? What was the fight about? I haven't a clue. All that I remember is fleeing to my Dad's house for the remainder of my placement.

You telephoned me after I returned to Townsville to complete the last few subjects of my degree. I was living with Jo and her future husband at the time. I can't remember what was said during the phone call, but it resulted in me running out into the back yard and screaming.

After I graduated and moved to Dysart for my first community worker position, I remember receiving a letter from you. It said that you no longer wanted anything to do with me. I can't remember the specifics. I got drunk that night and burnt the letter. I remember telling my workmate the following day what had happened. I must have been hung over or something. Years later, why did you deny ever writing such a letter? The fact is that you did. Surely you can take responsibility for your own actions.

Why didn't you try your hardest to attend my wedding? You said you couldn't come due to your ill health. I understand that you had a cancer scare. I understand that you had to undergo major surgery to remove the tumor from your pancreas. I understand that, although the tumor was benign, you lost some of your bowel and intestines due to the operation. The surgery was a year before the wedding though, wasn't it? Were you really still in too much pain to drive the couple of hours necessary to attend the ceremony? Could you have not driven up the night before and rested in a motel over night? You didn't even have to go to the reception if it would have been too much for you. Just the ceremony might have shown me that you actually cared even a little bit about me.

Then again, I am sort of glad that you never came. It would have been uncomfortable having you there. You asked my brother to video tape the wedding, but to make sure that he did not get any footage of my father on the tape. You and Dad had been divorced for years and years. Do you still hate the thought of him that much?

I probably should have dropped everything and rushed to your side when I was told you were in hospital. I didn't though. I don't really know why. I do remember speaking with your partner on the phone though. I was wondering what hospital you were in and where to send flowers. He said that it would be better not to send anything as the flowers that were already in your room were bothering you.

I don't think that you were a bad mother to me when I was young. You kept all my school report cards and class photographs. You organised "play dates" with my friends. You fed and clothed my brother and I despite only being on the pension.

The question is, were you actually a bad mother to me as I reached into adolescence and early adulthood? I don't know. I don't know if I have a right to be angry with you. I don't know if I have the right to feel hurt.

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Well, there it is. The end of my homework assignment. I don't get it though. Maybe my mother and I haven't had the most positive of relationships, but it has been certainly nothing out of the ordinary. Let's face it, our relationship could have been far, far worse. Why do I react so negatively when I speak with her? Why have I become who I am?