I'm of two minds at the moment. On the one hand I feel like downing as many pills as there is left in the cupboard. On the other hand I feel like curling up into a fetal position and sobbing. The only problem is that as much as it aches inside, I can't cry. Even though my eyes are sort of stinging and there is what feels like a lump in my throat, no tears will flow.
I've wanted to cry since towards the end of my pdoc appointment this afternoon. Despite this, it was a reasonably successful appointment in terms of me being able to talk about what was on my mind. Although I found it difficult to say anything initially, after the pdoc had read through my journal I was able to communicate a little better. That makes two weeks in a row now. Maybe we are starting to get somewhere.
* Lights up another cigarette and tries to keep concentrating *
As a result of today's appointment, I've have my first therapy "homework assignment". It's funny to think of it in that way. My pdoc would like me to try to write to my mother, in a manner of speaking. This stems from my blog entry with The Murmur's "You Suck" lyrics which I posted on my mother's birthday. I wrote one of those "never sent" letters early last year after I spoke with my mother for the last time. I still have it saved on my computer's hard drive, so I might print that one out to show my pdoc during our next appointment. I will see how I go with an updated, more frank version of it this week.Finally, I should admit that I have been a bit naughty while writing this post. Screw what the kids think tomorrow at school.
does he want you to send this letter to her, too? i can understand the no crying thing, i wish it would just happen for me, too. be careful, with your SH ok? thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI do understand how you feel. Remember, this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteI have an "assignment" due on Monday too. The same thing, I need to write a letter to my father. I stopped talking to my mother years and years ago, now its his turn. I hate homework.
ReplyDeleteduskydawn ... nope, as far as I know he doesn't want me to send this letter to her. It's probably better that way because I don't have to watch how I write things.
ReplyDeletegabbi ... thanks. I'll try my best to remember.
susan ... best of luck with your assignment. They aren't easy things to write, hey.
HEY THIS WAS ME LAST WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY NIGHT!!!!!
ReplyDelete"I'm of two minds at the moment. On the one hand I feel like downing as many pills as there is left in the cupboard. On the other hand I feel like curling up into a fetal position and sobbing. The only problem is that as much as it aches inside, I can't cry. Even though my eyes are sort of stinging and there is what feels like a lump in my throat, no tears will flow."
WOW, we're over the opposite thing and now we seem to be on the exact same wavelength lol.
Damn stupid emotions. Wish they would all just go away!!!
Don't forget to ring me anytime you really feel like shit!! Whether you want to talk about it or not, at least the sound of me wee'ing on the phone and all that sort of thing would be somewhat distracting... hehe... so RING next time!! grrr
I need to go shower and do the whole fetal thing right about... now... cya