It was a bad, bad day today. I drove into the semi big smoke for my usual pdoc appointment, except today Hubby and a work mate of mine came in with me. The day started with me essentially yelling at my husband to get off the computer. He was busy playing the computer game that he is totally obsessed with and wouldn't leave the game to get ready to go into town.
Once we arrived at the semi big smoke, we went straight to the biggest shopping centre. For the first time in quite a while, I became incredibly anxious. There were just too many people out shopping. I escaped out to the front to have a cigarette. Unfortunately that didn't help. Even the few people milling around the front door were enough to make me feel very uncomfortable.
From the shopping centre, I went to my appointment. As soon as I stepped into the pdoc's office, I felt totally suicidal. For the first part of the appointment all that I wanted to ask the pdoc was how many pills I would have to take to successfully overdose. I eventually did work up the guts to ask him, but then I think I dissociated. It felt like I was somehow retreating into my body. My hands took up all of my vision. My peripheral vision just went away somewhere. I felt like I could barely speak, let along move. It felt bloody awful.
Now that I am home, I feel completely drained. Maybe I am still feeling a bit out of it. I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear forever.
You seem to feel worse on the days of your pdoc visits. You might notice it could be a reflex, and perhaps letting it become more than a familiar feeling associated with going. Analyze this, I do it too.
ReplyDelete(((disso_k))))
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon. I know crowds can make me pretty anxious and edgy too. This next month or so wouldn't be good for people like us - there's a ton of people out there in a shopping frenzy for christmas. I hate it!
Gabbi, yes, historically I think I did feel worse after my pdoc visits. The last couple of appointments seemed to go so positively that it was a shock to fall flat on my face after the last appointment.
ReplyDeletePolar, I'm slowly crawling my way back up, but unfortunately I still feel fairly crappy. As for shopping at this time of the year, I definitely hear you. Let's hope that the season passes by without too much anxiety.
nothing like the fetal position/ball thingy to feel safe hey...
ReplyDeletewhat can i do to help? ring you everyday and annoy the flick out of shaney poo?? send you annoying but funny emails constantly to distract you?? send you the worlds worst computer virus so you have to waste time fixing your pc instead of thinking??
???