More Memory Work

Ugh! I'm beyond tired! I drove into the "small smoke" (as opposed to the semi big smoke which lies in the other direction) today to pick up the medication for my sore furry kid. I have definitely been in the car way too much over the past couple of days. The good news is that I took my camera along with me and snapped off a few photographs in the town's botanical gardens. The photo to the left would have to be my favourite. I just love the look of that old tree.

Anyway, as earlier promised I've sat down and tried to lose myself in some more memory work. It's resulted in me dredging up a few more memories from my childhood and early adulthood. Really though, that is all that I have been able to do ... dredge up another random list of memories. I don't understand what my pdoc is after. Does he expect a greater emotional depth to these memories? I guess that's it. To be honest though, there is just nothing else there. If I had any emotions attached to the memories that I dredged up today and during my earlier attempts, then I noted that emotion, feeling or whatever the heck you want to call it down with the memory. There is just nothing more to them.

1. When I was ultra young (my parents were still together) the family must have taken a trip to visit my mother’s brother’s family in Sydney. I must have been pretty impressed with one of my older cousins as for a while I took to wearing socks around the house like she did.
2. One of my cousins (from the same nuclear family as mentioned above) was a pilot. He stayed at our house one night during a lay over. I didn’t see him though because he arrived after my bed time and left prior to me waking.
3. I remember my mother describing both her brothers as quite wealthy.
4. My mother mustn’t have been too keen on my father’s family. I don’t think we spent nearly as much time with them as we did her family. I think I might have felt differently about them too.
5. The house my mother, brother and I moved into just after my mother and father split was sort of a split level style home. The layout is quite hard to describe but I can see it in my head. The upper level had all the rooms one would expect of a fully-contained house, i.e. kitchen, toilet, a lounge room and two or three bedrooms. Down an interior flight of stairs, however, was another bedroom which, if I remember properly, sported an ensuite. This bedroom led directly into the back yard of my uncle’s house. The bedroom’s door was always locked though. At the time, the room behind the locked door was an enigma.
6. My Nan (maternal grandmother) had a pet corgi when I was a young child. The corgi was the sister of my childhood pet. I think I liked playing with the dog when I visited Nan's place.
   
7. Nan used to make a dessert called a heavenly tart. I think I used to enjoy eating it.
8. On occasions I used to be babysat by my Nan. I remember liking her when I was a kid.
   
9. I had my first asthma attack whilst I was in primary school during a psych ed lesson. At the time, my class was running around the school’s sports oval. I vaguely remember letting the teacher know that I was having difficulties breathing, but I was encouraged to keep going. The result was me having an asthma attack. I think my mother was annoyed at the teachers for making me keep running.
10. It was difficult to organise play dates with one of my earliest best friends from primary school. I think my mother had to advocate on my behalf with the friend’s mother in order for me to be allowed over to her place to play.
11. After leaving school at the end of grade 10, I attended Kelly Commercial College for around six months. The college was situated in the middle of Brisbane. During lunches, my favourite thing to do was to go to the little shopping complex across the road and buy myself the most delicious nachos I have ever tasted.
12. I remember staying over at a friend’s house one weekend during the time I was attending the college. I think her name was Nicole. We watched a Molly Ringwald movie (hey, it was the mid 80’s!). We also discussed how annoying it was that after you first start shaving your legs, two hairs seem to grow out of the same follicle instead of just one. I also remember her hastily turning down the volume during the movie because there was quite a bit of swearing and she was worried that her parents would hear it.
    
13. About a year later, I gained a junior receptionist position at an electrical engineering firm. I used to buy my lunch in the cafeteria at the bottom of the building in which I worked and walk across quite a busy road to have my lunch in the park. One day I dropped my lasagne in the middle of the road. I remember scraping up the small bit of lasagne that hadn’t touched the road and actually eating it. (Yuck!) By the time I sat down in the park to scavenge the remains of my lunch, I was laughing so hard at what had just happened. I must have looked a sight, sitting there by myself and giggling uncontrollably.
14. While I was working at the engineering firm, I made friends with the other young woman that worked there. We were sixteen at the time. Her family was from New Zealand. We developed a plan on how we were going to both move to New Zealand. Unsurprisingly, both of our mothers freaked at the idea and the idea was scrapped.
15. This friend and I used to hit the Brissie nightclubs straight after work. We worked out that if we entered the nightclub at that time we were never asked for ID. Later on in the night, we used to sit inside the nightclub with our drinks in hand and giggle at all the other underage girls who would try to gain entry but were refused.
16. I experienced what I suppose could be called my first period of depression around the age of sixteen/seventeen. I was working at a dodgy hearing aide manufacturing company at the time. I think I might have lost the plot one morning at work, rang home and then left work and went home. My mother responded to my mini crisis by finding me some counselling with a Baptist Church pastor. Gawd knows why she went the religious route because my family was not religious at all. I ended up attending church for a number of years though, only getting out of the whole Christianity thing mid way through my university years.
    

Yikes, that is a small list but I am going to have to call it a night. I'm in serious need of an early night because I'm off on my usual trip into the semi big smoke tomorrow. Ick! Another four hour round trip. It makes me tired just thinking of it.

All Is Quiet

Gawd, I've been remiss when it comes to posting of late. There is just nothing going on in my life at the moment. All is quiet, including my mind which I guess is a good thing. Actually I think there are cobwebs collecting in my mind. If it gets any quieter in there, I'm going to start hearing the wind whistling between my ears. At least it is not an uncomfortable silence ... yet.

To break the monotony, I decided to take myself off on a little photography expedition today. Instead of heading east as I usually do, I steered the car to the west. Several years ago I passed through a little country town about an hour and a half drive from where I live. I have always meant to return to the area with a camera in hand. Today I did.


This is the view heading into town. The upper section of this hill is called Virgin Rock, apparently because it is supposed to resemble the Virgin Mary holding a baby Jesus. Mmmm! I think whoever named this rock had a vivid imagination!


In the centre of the town there is a park which sits adjacent to the tourist information centre. Being the middle of summer, of course the information centre was closed. The caravan set doesn't invade central Queensland until the cooler months of the year. Just next to the information centre sat this lovely old plough which was just begging to have its picture taken.


The infamous, padlocked shut information centre. Bummer! It's a cute, little building though.


OMG, what I had to do to get this humble shot! According to the tourist information I lifted off the Internet before I embarked on my expedition, "a pleasant drive takes you to the nearby national park which includes full picnic facilities and spectacular views from three lookouts". Yeah right! Only if you are in for some heavy duty four wheel driving! Actually it wasn't that bad, but it was the worst bush track I've ever driven on by myself. I only made it to the first lookout. I wasn't game to continue any further, both because I was on my own and my car doesn't have a spare tyre at the moment.

So that was my day, as of 7:00pm that is. I guess I must have jinxed myself when I said nothing had been happening in my life of late. Hubby and I just got home from driving a two hour round trip to take one of our furry kids to the vet. Kara, my Aussie, was fine when I arrived home from my little jaunt this afternoon, but by the time Hubby got home from work at 8:00 she couldn't jump up at all. She usually jumps all over Hubby when he comes home. Being the overprotective doggy daddy that he is, Hubby rang the vet straight away. Everything is fine though. Well, sort of fine anyway. It does look like Kara has hurt herself in some way. The vet gave her a shot of anti-inflammatory though, so we'll see how she's feeling in the morning.

Friday Already?

Gawd, I can't believe that it is Friday already. Where did the past few days go?

Actually, I'm doing a incredibly convincing interpretation of a tired and cranky person tonight. I'm feeling quite bleh, although not really in an emotional sense. I think I'm just in need of an early night and a nice uninterrupted long sleep, not to mention a chill pill to break out of this pissy mood.

Wednesday saw my usual trip into the semi big smoke for my pdoc appointment. The appointment was truly a non-event. I would have been lucky to have been in the pdoc's office for half an hour, if that. Basically, nothing was discussed and in retrospect, I have to wonder if the pdoc hasn't perfected his pained thinking expression that he often displays over many, many years of practice. Is he actually in the process of deep thought when this expression takes over his face, or is it his way of pretending he is doing something when there is nothing happening during an appointment? Who the hell knows really!

The pdoc still seems keen for me to explore my memories in relation to any emotional attachment that may pop up out of them. Emotional attachment! Mmmm! Does anyone really have emotional attachment to any of their childhood memories? I was chatting to a mate on the telephone the other night and we reached the conclusion that it is probably not that we actually remember feeling a particular emotion or feeling in relation to a childhood memory. Rather, it is more that we associate an appropriate emotional response to a past event. For example, if we, as an adult recall a childhood birthday party then we think to ourselves, "Gee, I guess I enjoyed the party because parties are meant to be fun." We don't actually remember whether we felt joy at the time or not. I don't know if our little theory holds any water when it comes to psychological memory research or not, but it certainly makes sense to how we both personally experience memory.

Having said all of the above, over the next couple of days I will have a go at dredging up more memories of my past, although I don't think I will specifically limit it to childhood stuff this time around. I think I will have a go at the young adulthood stuff too.

Been Playing

No prizes for guessing what I have been doing today. Yep, you got it! Learning to take photographs of lit candles. *smiles*

Actually pretty much my entire day was taken up with something to do with cameras and photographs. This morning I grabbed the camera and headed out to my front garden to take a piccie of a certain flower I've had my eye on for ages. It's such an unusual flower and unfortunately it only really lasts a day or two at most. Even more unfortunate is that it is not particularly photogenic when it comes to my non-existent artistic skills. Bugger! Not to worry though, there are plenty more flowers out there for me to cut my teeth on.

When I was not searching the internet for simple photography tips, I was browsing local area websites for ideas on where to go to take photographs. As a result of this research, I have a couple of little towns in mind, both of which are within a couple hours drive (I think). One is west of the town in which I live. I drove there a few years ago to visit clients of an agency for which I used to work. At the time I remember thinking, "Wow, what a beautiful area. I wish I had a camera." The other town is to the east. The locals that have been to the town have always said to me that there was nothing there and not to bother visiting. From what I saw on the Web though, I'm inclined to disagree. The town looks steeped in European history.

Gawd, I sound so completely obsessed! Mind you, I guess it is about time I found myself a hobby that I actually enjoy and can spent time learning about.

As for my mood and such, for the past two weeks I have felt the best that I have in a very long time. To be honest, it is bloody refreshing. I'm not ready to give up my ultimate weapon against myself (i.e. smoking) or anything, but an improvement is an improvement. There are still times when I think, "Why bother!" and wish that I could swallow lots of little things, but they are becoming fewer and farther in between. The issue which only seems to raise its ugly head when I am feeling a little better about myself has returned but that is to be expected I guess.

So in short, it is cool if I wake up tomorrow alive. *smiles*

Lazy Days

What a lazy, lazy day today turned out to be. I woke up reasonably late this morning and dozed on and off during the afternoon. After all my activity around the house yesterday (washing the dog, stripping the fur out of the dog's coat and then vacuuming up the dog from the fur laden carpet), I didn't feel like doing much at all today.

I did do a small amount of reading regarding photography today. I flipped through a photography magazine I purchased earlier on in the week and started reading through "Demystifying Digital Photography", a book which came with a photo and graphics editing program I bought some time ago. I'm becoming quite interested in this photography hobby and would dearly love to learn more about it. I guess I am off to a start.

One thing I have noted over the past week or so is that I am becoming interested in things again. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. For so long now, nothing has interested me. Every little thing I did seemed like a laborious chore. Something has changed though. I could almost say that I am excited by the prospect of enrolling in a little TAFE certificate in website design. I am just waiting on TAFE to ring me back saying that the course is open for enrolment. I am already thinking past the TAFE certificate too. I want to learn about photography. Although living where I am there are no formal certificates or the like that I am able to enrol in, I can always buy books on the subject and see what I can learn by myself. It's not like I have any goals in regards to what I may learn through these endeavours, but wanting to do anything is a big step for me. Could it be that I am finally getting somewhere in regards to my health?

I do have to whinge a little tonight though. Hubby drove me crazy today. He took the weekend off work because the online game (Guild Wars) with which he is completely obsessed released an upgrade on Friday night. I understand that he loves playing this game. It offers him something to sink his teeth into during his leisure time as well as providing him with a social outlet as players interact with each other whilst they are playing the game. In retrospect though, taking time off work especially for this upgrade seems a little, umm, full on.

I think my main concern regarding the above has to do with his attitude of late. He has become somewhat demanding when it comes to me fulfilling my "wifely duties". I realise that I am terribly slack when it comes to these "wifely duties" things, but I don't appreciate feeling that just because I am a woman I should be engaged in the cooking, cleaning and whatever else a traditional 1950's wife did. His attitude does not just stem from me being out of work at the moment. Even when I was working, he would do nothing around the house. I don't appreciate feeling used and undervalued.

What has brought up these feelings again? Because I hadn't cooked him anything for lunch, Hubby begrudgingly decided to pop out to the local fast food store to pick up something to eat. He asked me if I wanted anything. I told him that I wanted some milk. Because he only planned to go through the fast food store's drive-through, he made a big song and dance about not wanting to get milk when he was out. I was like, "WTF?" What is so hard about dropping by the servo to pick up milk when you are already out anyway? I ended up getting really annoyed and yelling at him. He came home with the milk. Why on earth does it take yelling at the man for him to do anything? There has got to be a better way.

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Which "Girl Interrupted" character are you?

Lisa Rowe

You are a sociopath, and take delight in that fact. You are a lifer at Claymore; someone that will most likely never be rehabilitated. You have a strange charisma that draws people in though, and you use it to your advantage. More than anything, you just want to be alive.

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Eek! Okay, I do have a girl crush on Angelina Jolie and all, but me, a sociopath? Nah, I don't think so.

I Got Nothing

I seriously have nothing to write about tonight. Nothing! Nudda! Zilch! And yet, here I am writing a post anyway. What the hell, hey! *smiles*

Mind you, I do have a cute little house guest at the moment. There he is on the left. Isn't he adorable! I've always had a soft spot for geckos, ever since I first saw them whilst living in Townsville. They are the cutest little lizard and if you don't mind the odd gecko poo stuck high up on your walls, they do no harm when they venture inside. Unfortunately they are impossible to catch to put outside, so hopefully he will survive okay living inside the house for a spell.

So why don't I have anything specific to write about tonight? Well basically I ended up sleeping most of the day away. I made the mistake of not taking my meds until fairly late last night so I only lasted through a few hours of wakefulness this morning before I retired to the bedroom for a "quick lay down". Six hours elapsed before I saw the light of day again. Oops! Just before falling asleep I did feel a strong urge to SH but nothing really came out of it.

Woops!

Okay, it seems like I am not the brightest spark in the world. How many years have I shared my life with a Siberian Husky? Yikes! It would be almost eight years now. However it appears that I still haven't learnt the number one rule when it comes to Sibe ownership. Never ever strip your husky's coat when she is full-on blowing it while she is sitting on a black couch. I won't even mention how silly it is to comb out a Sibe's coat when one is wearing a dark blue t-shirt. Husky fur sticks like velcro. D'oh!


I also seem to have learnt another obscure life lesson over the past couple of days. Eating copious amounts of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Shop seems to leave me with a nasty headache. Ouch! That's so not fair! Cheesecakes from The Cheesecake Shop are incredibly delicious. Mean, horrible Mother Nature!

Wednesday's Adventure

Yesterday was a very full day for me. I drove into the semi big smoke for my usual appointment with my pdoc. I also decided to drive the extra half an hour on to the coast for a bit of a photography expedition. (Yes, I am completely obsessed with taking photographs now!) I'm glad that I extended my trip to the coast. Central Queensland's coast line is truly magnificent, perhaps only second to Queensland's Whitsunday region.


The above photograph is an image of a bay and small harbour from a nearby hill. Hiking up the hill nearly killed me! It was so hot. Thankfully I took a bottle of water up with me. The hike was worth it though. The top of the hill provided some lovely views.


I had to use a glamour filter on the above photograph to make the black cockatoo stand out from his leafy perch. I was quite surprised to see a number of black cockatoos yesterday. They are certainly not a common sight on the coast. I think they may generally live further inland. I've got to say that I love the 12x optical zoom on my camera even if I tend not to hold it steadily enough to get a clear picture when I use the full zoom.

Once again, my pdoc appointment went quite well. These days I seem to be able to talk a little more during the appointments which certainly helps I think. Mind you, I think I have a way to go yet with the whole talking/sharing thing during appointments. These small steps are somewhat heartening however.

During the appointment, we continued with the topic of memories. At one stage my pdoc asked me why I had compiled the list of childhood memories. He asked if I had compiled the list to prove to myself that I did not have some type of dissociative disorder. That question stuck out in my mind. I felt like I couldn't adequately comment on it. Yes, I identify as having a dissociative disorder in my online, blogging life. That is what this blog is all about really, to have an outlet to express what is going on in my head.

Mind you, identifying as having a dissociative disorder in real life is a different kettle of fish for some reason. Somehow it doesn't seem so real. Somehow it doesn't make sense. I guess I am still of a mindset that only people with severe abuse issues in their past end up with dissociative disorders. Where does that place me? Maybe, as seems to be suggested, emotional attachment to my memories is not one of my strong points. What does that mean though? My upbringing may not have been all cuddles, "I love you's" or "You are a worthwhile person", but I would suggest that a hell of a lot of kids would have similar upbringings. Why then did my mind collapse in on itself? I am yet to find an answer to that question.

Oh Crap!

Actually, "Oh Crap!" doesn't seem to cut it. What I really want to yell is, "F#@k!"

I hate to admit this, but the fence between our block and the neighbour's block has seemed a little rickety for a while now. To be honest though, I hadn't paid it much mind. Once in a blue moon I would ask Hubby to knock a nail or two in when one of the palings would come askew, but that's about it.

However this morning when I took the furries out for their initial "wee walk", I noticed that one fence paling had fallen completely off and the one next to it was leaning on a precarious angle. On investigation I saw this funny white ant thingee crawling along one of the railings.

Uh oh! White ant thingee? Yikes! White ants equal termites, right? OMG!

Yep, the fence is literally crawling with termites, the scourge of the home owner. I can only hope that while the little buggers are feasting on the fence they are leaving the house alone.

Termites on the move!

Termite artwork!

The light should definitely not be showing through the palings like that. Eek!

Well, I guess it is time to call in pest control and to seriously consider forking out a stack of money for a shiny new (and unpalatable to termites) colourbond fence.

The worst thing is that Hubby doesn't seem to give a toss about the news. Err, Hubby, don't you think we might need to do something about this? Yikes!

~ Update ~

Call it fate or whatever you want to really. After initially publishing this post, I went back into blogger to fix up a couple of typos. I also added a big, long paragraph that essentially added up to a heck of a lot of "woe is me" talk. When republishing the post, my internet connection dropped out for a couple of minutes. I guess that means that the additions I made to the post are for my eyes and my pdoc's eyes only. Saved by the crappy internet connection, hey.

WAAHHHHHHH!

Well! There we have it! My first grey hair ever! Look how friggin' shiny it is! *sobs*

I'm staring at middle age through the barrel of a gun. I've gone straight from maiden to crone. I can no longer legitimately give stick to Hubby about all his grey hairs. Whatever am I to do? Looks like it is time to make that long overdue hairdressers appointment. Bugger!

*smiles*

Today's Planetary Energies

I'm spending my morning drinking copious amounts of coffee while surfing the internet, sorting through a plethora of emails and making my i-Dog (just this morning christened Iggy the i-Dog since GBF thought it needed a name) shake its head violently to the music of "The Angels", an Aussie pub rock band which was big in the 1970s. Mmm, it's a pretty standard morning for me really.

Anyway, in amongst the plethora of emails sat my daily astrology reading from astrocenter.com. Here's what it said:

Yes, the road that leads to birth is rather long. You haven't finished all the cleaning up that remains to be done in many areas. You're going to have to get your papers in order, pay off old debts, face physical or moral obligations and fix technical problems and machines. Whew, that's a lot of work! Fortunately, once it is done your emotional baggage will be considerably lighter, enabling you to go farther, faster...

Well there you go! I would have never guessed that the road to least emotional baggage depended on me getting off my butt, sorting through the mountains of paperwork which grace my kitchen benches, paying the bills which have long been lost in amongst the paperwork, finally allowing Hubby to ravish my body, and searching the house for an electronic device that somehow needs fixing. Is emotional nirvana that easy to obtain? Heck, maybe I should get off this damn computer and go do something.

*Extracts tongue from cheek*

Amazing Discovery

While surfing blogs via Blog Advance today, I stumbled across LS's truly amazing blog, So Lost in Thought. I've taken the liberty to reproduce a couple of LS's posts here. Her words say so much to me. I can really relate them.

Undeserving

I don't deserve the hurt you dish out. My kind and considerate heart did nothing to bring on this cruel and inhuman punishment. (sentence deleted) Each time you lash out at me I can feel a piece of my ever giving heart painfully fall away into a million shattered pieces. If I could turn off all of my emotion I would, just to escape the stinging sorrow that seems to have invaded. The most straightforward of solutions is not always the simplest, but I know what must be done. As much as it tears me up to do so, I have to erase you before you obliterate the part of me that makes me willing to ever trust another again.

Not Wanted or Needed

You sicken me. With your glaring eyes and unfriendly gaze, you portray exactly who I would never choose to be around. Each second that passes when you are near is as comfortable as a blade through the stomach and equally as appealing. That sick nauseating feeling you create is not required. Actually, nothing about you is desired or needed. More than anything, most would be healthier with you gone. I know I certainly would be. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate you. I simply hate that I have allowed myself to put up with you for so long, too long. Your dreaded presence may bring to some comfort, but for me your disappearance would be the ultimate prize.

Powerful words! I wish I had the strength to use them.

Introducing ...

Semi big smoke!

Finally, after all my talk of "semi big smoke", here it is! The below piccie is a view of semi big smoke from what is known as Mount Archer. Mount Archer is the place for views west to semi big smoke and east towards the coast.

See the high rise of the city? Nope, neither do I! Semi big smoke isn't a big city by any stretch of the imagine. The city's high rise buildings consist of maybe one or two of the larger motels which probably only reach maybe five storeys high.

This is the view from Mount Archer towards the coast. Unfortunately there is no sign of an ocean out there (semi big smoke is a little way inland) but I thought the hills in the distance looked pretty cool.

Okay, now it is really late. I'm off to bed! *smiles*

It's Late

It's late. I should be in bed, hence just a quickie of a post tonight.

Firstly, I got me an i-Dog! Woohoo! I've wanted one since I first saw them in stores just before Christmas. It's so incredibly cute! I'm spending hours upon hours playing with it, "feeding" it with music, patting it and tickling its nose. I feel like I am 35 going on 13. *smiles*

Secondly, I had a fantastic day yesterday even with my pdoc appointment. I spent the entire afternoon running around the semi big smoke taking photos. I really enjoyed myself and I am quite happy with some of the photos I was lucky enough to capture.

Finally, my pdoc appointment was quite okay as well. I was in a pretty good mood by the time I walked into his office in the afternoon. During the appointment, the pdoc spent quite some time reading through all the journal entries I had written during the past week, including my 100 childhood memories list. If my memory serves me correctly, my pdoc wants to continue to focus on the memories during my next appointment. I think he is after some emotions and attachment (his words) in relation to the memories. Consequently, this week I might continue the memories theme in one of my blog entries by exploring my relationship with my mother. I'll see what I can come up with, anyway. So far, on the surface, I seem to be lacking a little in that area.

Semi Big Smoke's Zoo

Wednesdays mean my weekly drive into the semi big smoke for my pdoc appointment. In keeping with my recent obsession with photography, I decided to visit the local zoo and botanical gardens to snap off a few pictures. Below is a selection of some of the animals which are housed in the zoo.

This is definitely my favourite image out of all the photographs I took today (and I took a heap). This guy looks so thoughtful. I wonder what he is thinking, surrounded by all those bars. Thankfully my camera focussed on him rather than the bars.

Now that I have uploaded all of today's photos onto my laptop, I am seriously wishing that I made note of which animals I actually took pictures of. I have no idea what kind of bird this guy is, other than some sort of water bird ... a species of duck I guess. Whatever he is, he's a little cutie.

As an Aussie, I have no trouble whatsoever identifying this critter. Surely sleeping in a fork in a tree can't be comfortable. I guess that is a koala's life though, hey.

Mmmm, how does that song go again? Never smile at a crocodile? Now I know why. The bugger might actually smile back. Eek!

I've got a handful of other photographs from today's expedition that I will no doubt post shortly. Oh, and I guess I should write something about my pdoc appointment as well. I might keep that for another post too. *smiles*

Quote of the Day

I found this excellent quote over at Susan's blog.

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory."
Albert Schweitzer

Bugger! Maybe I shouldn't have tried so hard to come up with my 100 childhood memories list. Woops! *smiles*

Oh, and while I'm in the middle of stealing ideas from other blogs, I just found this picture over at James' place.

I love it! I definitely need to print it out, frame it and then hang it up in the kitchen.

Dreaming of Different Places

As I begin to write this post, I've just been woken up by one of my furry kids. I was in the middle of the most amazing dream, so after taking the furries outside for a quick "wee walk", I've rushed back inside to record this dream before I forget its details.

Cast of characters:

• Hubby - my husband of course. *winks*
  
• Gubby - one of Hubby's work mates' daughters. She was a student at the school at which I used to work, although she had left school by the time I returned to work there at the end of last year.
  
• Nicole - a friend and flatmate of mine from my uni days.
• A smattering of guest appearances from people whom I don't know in real life, e.g. a real estate agent and a man attending a real estate open day.
  

Scenes:

• A strange little complex that consisted of two houses which were separated by a large concreted courtyard. This complex was situated on one side of the primary school I went to when I was a kid. It stood in the place of the infant's school I attended during the first couple of years I spent at school.
  
• A church which was converted into a three bedroom residence. The church is situated on the other side of the primary school. Although the church was slightly different in my dream (i.e. it had a huge, grassy back yard and an entrance hall attached to it), it's actually a real church which was up for sale on realestate.com.au a couple of weeks ago. I dreamt of winning the lotto and purchasing the church.

The dream:

The dream began with me moving into one of the two houses which were separated by the courtyard. The plan was to move into the house with Nicole and another couple. There were another few people that were known by all of us who planned to move into the other house.

On the day of our move, Nicole accused me of being completely different to when she first knew me. She stated that I was now a lot harder than I used to be. She thought I was being bossy when giving directions to her. At one stage when she was watching TV in her bedroom, I entered the room and proceeded to place something in the corner. She did not appreciate me barging into the room despite the bedroom door being open and me saying something to her as I entered. When she indicated her displeasure, I told her that she should shut the bedroom door if she desired more privacy and didn't want people to come into her bedroom. She did not appreciate that, instead saying that she should not have to.

I felt a bit annoyed and put out by what she had said to me. When Hubby arrived, I told him what she had said. I indicated that of course I had become a harder person because that's what I had to do in order to survive. I asked Hubby if we could perhaps change the plan and swap with a couple of the other people who were to move into the other house. I wanted to see if Hubby and I could move into that house instead and thus not live in the same house as Nicole.

The dream then moved onto on "open day" at the church, which was held by the real estate. There were a couple of other people attending the open day. In the dream, the church was furnished. The interior was lovely. I followed a man and the real estate agent into the church's back yard. Unlike the real church, the back yard was huge and had great potential. We then moved onto what appeared to be a large entrance hall. I followed the man and the real estate agent because I did not want to miss out on purchasing the church. They pretty much ignored me however, essentially only providing me with one syllable responses if I said anything.

When we were moving from the entrance hall into the church itself, I noticed Gubby. We greeted each other and I asked her how she come to be there, since the church is a day's drive from central Queensland. She indicated that she was visiting the area with her sporting team to participate in some sort of sporting event.

At the end of the dream, Hubby and I decided to come home, meaning the town in which we currently live. I asked him if we had to stay forever in our home town, not wanting to remain there for too long. He conveyed understanding of my feelings about not wanting to live in the town for too much longer and said that we could possibly move after another year.

That was the end of the dream. What an amazing one, hey! Isn't it strange how real people and places can be incorporated into such a strange little dream.

So Very Fitting

I did end up taking that extra Seroquel tablet this afternoon. I know it's a bit naughty to muck around with your meds like that, but I was desperate. Taking that extra pill helped me calm down and not engage in any SH (well okay, just one tiny, tiny burn but that's all). Unfortunately I didn't get any sleep, which was really what I was after. However, the main thing is that I feel a hell of a lot calmer.

To keep myself busy this afternoon, I surfed a serious amount of blogs. I discovered new blogging platforms which I never knew existed, explored what these platforms had to offer and browsed through some of the blogs that they hosted. I even considered joining up with an Australian provider, but I think I will stick with Blogger. Blogger is just so user friendly.

During my travels around the blogosphere this afternoon, I found a desktop wallpaper with which I fell in love on Ixxle's blog. I love the wallpaper's colours and imagery. The words are just so incredibly fitting to my current mood too (Reality Used to Be a Friend of Mine).

Damn!

I'm having a hell of a hard time trying to battle a shit load of anxiety at the moment. I'm feeling incredibly jittery. I feel like my whole body is shaking but I don't think that it actually is. I can't seem to concentrate on any task that I try to do in order to take my mind off what is happening to me. So, I thought I would try writing about what I am feeling to see if I could ease this horrible sensation. Maybe focusing on writing might help. You never know.

This morning I woke up knowing that I had to leave the house fairly early to stock up on our ever dwindling supply of milk, cigarettes and toilet paper. That was okay though. I procrastinated over several cups of coffee and surfing the Net for a short time before finally getting off my butt to grab a shower and freshen up. After my shower I decided to head out. At that stage I was feeling fine ... perhaps slightly numb, but other than that no troubles at all.

Something clicked inside of me once I was out of the house though. I began to feel incredibly uncomfortable being outside the house. The stupid thing is that I chose only to go to the servo on the corner to pick up my supplies. The servo is a whole one minute drive from my house. It's not like I was surrounded by a multitude of people in a shopping centre or anything.

Anyway, the whole going out thing was quite some time ago but I still haven't been able to calm down. Fuck! I've tried reading the newspaper which I bought at the servo. No dice! I just flipped through a couple of pages without reading anything and gave up. I tried to sit down and have a go at the newspaper's crossword puzzle. I've completed a few clues but it as sure as hell hasn't helped me calm down.

On to writing this post! I'm forcing myself to write in complete sentences with acceptable grammar however my heart is still thumping away in my chest. Damn! I should be going out again today. I bought an item off eBay on the weekend and I need to pop down to the bank to make a direct deposit to pay for the item. Hubby is whinging about not haven't much left in the fridge to drink too.

Don't you just love times like these! Is it naughty to pop a Seroquel tablet in order to calm down a bit? I wonder!

100 Childhood Memories

Ever since I joined the blogosphere, I've seen many blogs with the "100 things about me" post. Just for something to keep myself occupied with for a while, I decided to finally have a go at writing one of these posts. "What the hell," I thought, "Everyone else is doing it."

While I was writing the post however, I quickly realised that my list was taking an altogether different tangent. It had degenerated into what was essentially a bunch of memories.

Now memories are something I have a bit of an issue with. On the surface I don't seem to have many detailed memories at all. Consequently, I decided to go with the flow, change my “100 things about me” list to a “100 childhood memories” list and essentially test myself and my memory.

Why? Well, ever since spending a few weeks in the Trauma and Dissociation Unit at Belmont Private Hospital in Brisbane back in 2004, I've been questioning how good my memory of my childhood is. Surely it can't be as bad as it appears on the surface. During my stay at the TDU, one particular psych nurse filled my head with too many doubts and questions about my perceived lack of childhood memories and what, if any, significance this may have. I consider the harbouring of these doubts and questions to have been somewhat detrimental to me.

To be honest, I'm going to have to go with the "if any" significance because I have a strong suspicion that the psych nurse in question was a bit of a nut herself. Purely for myself, I need to dispel the myths that this nurse held and the doubts that she placed in my mind. My "100 childhood memories" list therefore exists to prove that my memory of my childhood is not deficient in any way and thus sits within a normal range.

I'm not going to bore everyone by placing the huge list of memories I've created amongst my current posts. I've actually shoved the post way back in the blog's archives. If you are completely desperate to read through the list of my inane, mundane and occasionally embarrassing childhood memories, then the post can be found here amongst the June archives.

I've managed to make it to fifty separate memories so far, so I am going well with the compilation of the list. These fifty memories have taken a long time to dredge up however, so I am taking a short break from compiling the list.

~ Update ~

It's taken me virtually all day but I've finished my entire list of 100 childhood memories. Woohoo! Man, is my brain fried though! It certainly took some thinking to compile the entire 100. However, it goes to show just how much one can remember from their childhood when they take the time to sit down and think about it. Stick that in your eye you silly psych nurse. Mind you, it doesn't seem to mean that much. Mmm.

A New Obsession?

I think I am becoming obsessed with taking photos. I mean, I love my camera. I really do! It's the best piece of technology Hubby has ever bought for us. Err, actually I mean for me. Bugger him! *stifles a giggle*

Since I posted a snapshot of my Saturday morning yesterday, I thought I would continue the theme and post a snapshot of my Sunday morning as well. So here it is! A snapshot of a Sunday morning in the Disso household.

The furry kids definitely rule here. They get to take up the whole couch while I'm sitting on a pillow on the floor. What's with that?!

Couch hogs!

Nikita

Shakara

Oh well! No one could ever accuse me of not looking after the furries I guess. That's a good thing, right?

Saturday Mornings

Ugh! Saturday mornings! Just poor me another cup of coffee. Please!

Courtesy of South Park Studio

Have Camera, Will Shoot

What a day! I'm completely stuffed! GBF and I spent the afternoon driving around a little central Queensland town called Bluff in the 40 degree (celsius) heat. There was a method to our madness though. We were after more photographs. I think GBF really likes to commandeer my camera and go off on these little photography jaunts. Not that I mind at all. I enjoy it too. But, oh my god it was hot today. I even have the headache to prove it. Ouch!

Photo No. 1: This little house was quite cute. It's such a typical old Queenslander style home, complete with a wrecked truck in the yard.

Photo No. 2: Another Bluff "house" and I use that term loosely. What a contrast to the Queenslander style home!

Photo No. 3: Err, a photo of a dead tree! GBF took this photo, which is just as well because I didn't even notice the tree's presence until I saw the photo. I think it looks pretty cool though.

Photo No. 4: We discovered a small, reed filled dam in the middle of the Bluff horse racing track. The track is essentially unused so we were amazed to find this little dam.

Photo No. 5: Mmm, I wonder who this crazy looking man is? *stifles a giggle* I couldn't resist taking a photo of the photo and somehow that crazy character managed to talk his way into the shot.

Photo No. 6: What can I say about this critter other than it was huge and scary and I am incredibly thankful that my camera sports a 12x optical zoom. *shudders*

Photo No. 7: Okay, this photo is a bit of a ring in because we didn't actually take it today. We snapped this one off about a week ago during our photography trip to the local cemetery and beyond. The sky was so spectacular that afternoon though, so I thought this photo deserved a place amongst the others.

On a more serious note, I'm still not feeling all that flash although getting out of the house today was probably a godsend. Apart from being tired, having a funky throat and nursing a bit of a headache, I'm still feeling pretty blah. Throughout the day, I've remained acutely aware of last night's little internal struggle. I think I should just give up on myself. I can have a fun filled day, yet these stupid thoughts still invade my head. I'm even toying with the idea of keeping myself occupied for the first part of this year by doing a simple TAFE certificate in website design. I'm sure to enjoy learning what I can through the certificate, but I am still filled with this sense of despondency.

Mutant Mouth

Yuck! I've a mutant mouth! I woke up this morning to a swollen throat. It's spongy to touch and it's uncomfortable to swallow. When I look into the mirror there appears to be no space between my tongue and the back of my throat. Ick! Eek! Foul! Gross! What the heck have I eaten?

The funny thing is, I think I somehow incorporated the swollen throat into a dream last night. My dream featured Morgan Freeman of all people. He played the father figure while I played the child. The child was ill. She had trouble breathing. The father tried to get medical help for the child but because the family was poor no help was forthcoming. Instead, and here is the gross part, the father gave his own blood to the child. Apparently the father was on some sort of medication himself and he thought that by giving the child a dose of his blood every day, his medicated blood would make the child well again.

What a strange, strange dream! Oh, and here's to a day of uncomfortable swallowing and spongy throats!

Yesterday and Today

This is going to be one of those posts where I don't have a lot to say, yet continue to ramble on for ages. However you wish to describe it, my current emotional state or state of being is, well, rather non-existent. I guess I am a little bit numb or empty at the moment. The world around me is sort of just there and nothing more, if that makes any sense at all.

Today, I found myself forcing out some semblance of a half-interesting personality through all of my dealings with people. To be honest, I hardly dealt with anybody at all, just Hubby when he woke up to go to work this afternoon and a couple of phone calls from people I know. I suppose when you are only just there, one has to pretend so as not to show the empty shell that truly exists. Then again, if one has the ability to fake it through interpersonal contacts then things can't be all that bad. It is only truly bad when one doesn't have the energy to pretend.

Yesterday saw my first pdoc appointment for 2006. Again, I've not much to report about this appointment other than I went, spent a great deal of time wondering what the pdoc was thinking, and sat there with not much to say. I did occasionally make myself voice the odd thought that ran through my head, however even that was a bit of a chore.

There were a couple of things that stood out for me during the appointment however. First, I think my pdoc wanted me to commit to continuing therapy appointments this year. I've no trouble with that. I look at these appointments as a bit of a lifeline and I am somewhat interested to see what, if anything comes out of them. In short, I guess they offer a slim hope that life may at some stage be worth something. Second, my pdoc wishes me to continue with the journaling and documenting any dreams that I have. Again, I have no issue with that. This blog seems to be the only way I can communicate what is happening within me. As for the dreams, I am still slightly amused that they play some sort of role in psychiatry, but I guess you live and learn.

Finally, I had the opportunity to visit the beach yesterday. GBF accompanied me on my trip into the semi big smoke yesterday for my pdoc appointment. After my appointment we decided to drive the extra half hour to the coast just to see the ocean. Seeing, touching and even just feeling the sea breeze is something special when one lives inland. It was already dusk by the time we arrived hence the one poor quality photo I managed to take. However, instead of our visit being refreshing like it was supposed to be, it elicited a sense of sadness from us both. We briefly discussed this phenomenon on the drive home but I don't think we reached a decision as to why we both felt that way. Perhaps for me, it's about a sense of loss of something that I might have once had but now proves elusive.

I experienced the strongest desire for a long, long time to continue taking pills when taking meds tonight.

Numerology and Other Stuff

Isn't it fun when you are at a shopping centre with someone and all of a sudden the feeling comes over you that you have to get out of there right this very second? Isn't it even more fun when you can't tell your companion what is happening inside of you for fear of sounding completely mad? Instead you sit through a quick meal at the cafe, all the while thinking you are going to space out completely if you don't get your ass out of the joint. Okay, well maybe "fun" isn't the word I'm searching for here. Maybe I should substitute it for shithouse. Whatever word you choose to use in this situation, it still sucks. End of story. *Cracks open another Vodka Mudslide*

I realised the other day that for me 2006 is a nine year. Now, I don't know much about numerology, but I am aware that a nine personal year is pretty special. It's all about the ending of a cycle, letting go of the old and allowing the new to manifest in one's life. Given how I am feeling at the moment, that sounds reasonably alluring.

As a consequence, I decided to search the internet for information regarding nine personal years. I googled until I could google no more, and found a nice little summary of what a nine year can bring into one's life from the Truth Star website. Here's what the website had to say:

The influence for this year is about completion and endings. It can pose as a time of emotional disruption. Now is the time to finalise, complete and to leave behind that which no longer serves a purpose in your life, which has had an effect on your life during the past eight years. That which is no longer serving it’s purpose in your life, such as relationships, attitudes, thoughts and career, should come to a conclusion. If they no longer serve a purpose in your life, the universe will take care of it if you don’t. Now is the time to take stock, to clean out the internal and external closets. Continue only with tasks and experiences, including relationships, which still have benefit and promise for the future. It is wise not to start anything new during this vibration, such as a new career or relationship, as it may not last. Any left over residual will continue into the start of the next nine year cycle. Be prepared for emotional disharmony and expect sudden and abrupt endings in relationships, moving house or the ending of a career. Look at this year with the attitude to have a good ‘spring clean’ in every area of your life. Out with the old in preparation to commence with the new.

Isn't that interesting. It sounds like 2006 could very well be a "fun" year. As Joey wrote on her space, "But... shit mate, 2006 is at least an even year. I mean, how odd can it be when its even?"

Churn That Tummy!

Ugh! I am such a city girl at heart even if I have been transplanted into this coal mining hell town for the past eight years.

One of Hubby's work mates turned up on our door step with a rabbit on Saturday. No, not a fluffy, long-eared cutie to keep as a pet (it's illegal to keep rabbits as pets in Queensland anyway), but a dead, skinned rabbit for cooking.

Yuck! Chunder! How the heck am I going to cook poor little bugs? Despite it being dead and all, it still resembles a rabbit. I prefer my meat unrecognisable thanks. *shudder*

I've pleaded with Hubby to cook the rabbit himself. After all, it was Hubby that mentioned to his work mate how much he would like to chow down on a bunny. I knew nothing about the plan they were hatching until the work mate turned up with the poor little critter. It's a no go though. Hubby expects me to cook it. Yikes! My tummy is churning just thinking about it.

Being the good, little wifey that I am (*chokes*), I have scoured the Internet for possible recipes. I found a sauteed rabbit recipe that I might be able to pull off. God save me! How am I going to withhold the vomiting when I make the first cut? If I know one thing for sure, I'm not going to eat it.

Bugs image from: http://www.keyattraction.co.uk/shop/3/