Yesterday and Today

This is going to be one of those posts where I don't have a lot to say, yet continue to ramble on for ages. However you wish to describe it, my current emotional state or state of being is, well, rather non-existent. I guess I am a little bit numb or empty at the moment. The world around me is sort of just there and nothing more, if that makes any sense at all.

Today, I found myself forcing out some semblance of a half-interesting personality through all of my dealings with people. To be honest, I hardly dealt with anybody at all, just Hubby when he woke up to go to work this afternoon and a couple of phone calls from people I know. I suppose when you are only just there, one has to pretend so as not to show the empty shell that truly exists. Then again, if one has the ability to fake it through interpersonal contacts then things can't be all that bad. It is only truly bad when one doesn't have the energy to pretend.

Yesterday saw my first pdoc appointment for 2006. Again, I've not much to report about this appointment other than I went, spent a great deal of time wondering what the pdoc was thinking, and sat there with not much to say. I did occasionally make myself voice the odd thought that ran through my head, however even that was a bit of a chore.

There were a couple of things that stood out for me during the appointment however. First, I think my pdoc wanted me to commit to continuing therapy appointments this year. I've no trouble with that. I look at these appointments as a bit of a lifeline and I am somewhat interested to see what, if anything comes out of them. In short, I guess they offer a slim hope that life may at some stage be worth something. Second, my pdoc wishes me to continue with the journaling and documenting any dreams that I have. Again, I have no issue with that. This blog seems to be the only way I can communicate what is happening within me. As for the dreams, I am still slightly amused that they play some sort of role in psychiatry, but I guess you live and learn.

Finally, I had the opportunity to visit the beach yesterday. GBF accompanied me on my trip into the semi big smoke yesterday for my pdoc appointment. After my appointment we decided to drive the extra half hour to the coast just to see the ocean. Seeing, touching and even just feeling the sea breeze is something special when one lives inland. It was already dusk by the time we arrived hence the one poor quality photo I managed to take. However, instead of our visit being refreshing like it was supposed to be, it elicited a sense of sadness from us both. We briefly discussed this phenomenon on the drive home but I don't think we reached a decision as to why we both felt that way. Perhaps for me, it's about a sense of loss of something that I might have once had but now proves elusive.

I experienced the strongest desire for a long, long time to continue taking pills when taking meds tonight.