Not a Fan of Emotions

I'm truly not. In fact I am beginning to despise them immensely.

I'm just coming out of another "numbing out episode". I still feel quite strange but at least I can control my own movements now. That has to be a plus I guess.

I'm not particularly fond of these episodes. They are kind of frightening. Thank goodness they don't last for very long. They just seem to leave me with what I will for the moment term a "numbing out hangover".

This one left my whole body feeling incredibly heavy. I couldn't move. It felt like something was trying to take over me. At one stage I was actually daring it to, but of course there was nothing there.

I will hazard a guess that this particular episode came about from some news I was given this afternoon by a friend. I sort of knew that it was coming, but it knocked me for a six nevertheless. Despite the very real possibility that I won't have as much contact with this friend next year, the news may also have implications on my ability to re-enter the workforce.

When my friend told me her news, I got excited for her. It is a wonderful opportunity for her, a fresh start. It wasn't until our telephone conversation ended that I felt any type of loss.

By the time I ventured out to the local grocery store (I couldn't delay the visit any longer because Hubby goes back to work tomorrow and I needed food for his crib), I was feeling a little upset. It was kind of difficult walking around the grocery store when feeling this way.

The numbing out episode didn't hit me until I arrived home though. I started feeling a little nauseous, then all of a sudden it hit me. I was able to make it to the couch to lay down before the sensation of not being able to move really took over me.

So there it is. Another description of my type of dissociation I guess. Mind you, I don't like calling it dissociation. I'm not even certain that it is dissociation. I prefer my term. It normalises the experience somewhat.

Update (A Few Minutes Later) ...

Lovely! Hubby just woke up and stumbled out to the kitchen. He began asking me all these annoying questions about what there was to eat tonight and if his work car had arrived. I felt my answers to his questions were rather snappy. I let him know the reason for my shortness was because I had just experienced the numbing out episode. He rolled his eyes, told me to let him know "when I was right" and then went to sit in front of his computer at the other end of the house. Fucking great! I've always known that I am alone in this, but sometimes it sucks to be blatantly reminded of it.