The Goings On In My Head

Warning: frank thoughts are written towards the end of this post.

It's time for another one of those mind-numbingly boring posts about what's been going on in my head of late. I guess it wouldn't be such a boring post if there was actually anything going on in my head. I'm afraid to say, however, that it's been pretty blank up there recently.

Apart from the exceedingly noisy old dishwasher going through its cycle in the kitchen, it is really quite peaceful here tonight. I have the windows and doors open to catch the summer night's breeze. Thankfully there is a light breeze blowing tonight and the house has an opportunity to cool down before tomorrow's heat hits. There is very little noise from the highway tonight. The neighbours must all be asleep because there is only silence emanating from their houses. For the first time in untold ages I am not desperately seeking out my night time meds to kill the day off and escape from my life. I guess I am just in the moment, enjoying a cigarette, cup of tea and writing down my thoughts as I think them.

Realistically though, things haven't been so peaceful inside my head over the past couple of days. Maybe its because I am no longer working, I don't know, but there have been definite times where I've struggled with the "I don't want to be around any longer" thoughts. Taking my night time meds has been a time where I wonder just how easily it would be to quit. Is there enough in my medicine cabinet to mix together?

I am useless at that sort of thing. I want it to work, yet I also want to be kept comfortable while it is working, hence the hospital visits in the past. I realise that wanting it to be this way is ludicrous. It doesn't work. Charcoal is administered and, well, let's just say that things move quickly from there.

I wonder how much longer I can survive like this. I would like to think not for long, but I have a horrible suspicion that it is going to go on forever. That's a frightening prospect. I don't want it to go on forever.