I'm still feeling pretty good. I can hardly believe that my mood has stayed this good for several days in a row. I'm just not used to it. It's a good feeling, however I am still a little apprehensive about it. This may sound a little strange, but I don't know whether I can trust this feeling. Is it real? Will it stay?
In addition to feeling really quite decent, I have largely felt like myself over the past few days. I haven't felt like a weirdo in my own skin. I'm not used to that feeling either. Should I be apprehensive about this as well? It's hard not to be. Will it last? Do I want to be myself again?
Oh, a sense of emptiness just rushed through me. That would be right! I talk about how I have been going and something negative occurs, if only for a fleeting moment. It seems to be how this thing works.
Regardless of the doubts and fears, it would appear that the increase in my Lexapro dosage has worked some minor miracles. I'm loving those little white pills! I think I have been taking the 40mg dose for a couple of nights now. I hope my pdoc doesn't want to lower the dose again any time soon.
There is one thing that mystifies me about this increase in mood level ... the issue of self harm. It's kind of weird but ever since I have been feeling better, I have also experienced an increased desire to SH. Of course I have. It is far too tempting not to. Everything has been incredibly superficial though and there hasn't been a lot of it I suppose. It actually hurts nowadays.
My question is then, why when things are looking up, does one want to indulge in the old "razor play"? It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Self destructive behavior doesnt have to be about being down. Resist that temptation.
ReplyDeleteThe razor lies.
Great blog, by the way!
By the way thanks for stopping by and it is good to know we have Pink Floyd in common amongst other things. Though we play things out in different ways, I think it can become a way to feel. It’s not so much about the mood we are in. Not sure but something worth thinking about.
ReplyDeleteIt is perhaps because we seldom feel right and when we do we are waiting for some disaster to come from round the corner. The emptiness and the fears haunt me too when ever I am feeling good. Something comes from outside and blow it all up. It sure hasn't got to be that way. Enjoy the way you are and think about present. Ignore the negative feeling.
ReplyDelete