Fear not that thy life shall come to an end,
but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning.
(John Henry Cardinal Newman)
but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning.
(John Henry Cardinal Newman)
Okay, I must admit my ignorance. I have no idea who John Henry Cardinal Newman is. How true is his quote though!
I feel like I have had so many false starts in my life. Each of these starts have led to nowhere. I guess the first of these false starts was leaving school and getting a job. At that time of a young person's life, the world is her oyster, right. However for me it seemed to lead to years of feeling worthless and my first period of depression.
Then in order to try to change my life I went to uni. I still struggled with a low sense of self worth during this time. However, for me attending uni was stimulating. My mind blossomed. I started to gain a sense of what I believed in and where I wanted my life to go.
The dream didn't last long though. I wasn't a successful social welfare worker. My ideals didn't mesh with the reality of the work. I doubted my abilities just as I had when I was working in administration. I had very real reasons to doubt my abilities too. In short, I sucked. I had been chasing ghosts.
So where to from there? I met a wonderful man, moved away from the city of my birth to be with him and eventually married. Getting married should be the ultimate start of one's life, should it not? But, for some reason, the depression hit me for a six. My life stopped. I lost everything that I had ever believed in. I became a non-person living in a world that never actually existed.
Essentially my life has never actually begun. I have no idea how to begin it either. Will it begin when Hubby finally retires and we get to move somewhere which is actually a nice place to live, away from horrible mining towns? Hubby thinks that it will, but I don't think I can actually last that long.
I'm not even exactly sure that I want to try to kick start my life again. My hopes have been dashed too many times. I can't handle another failure.
So, according to John Henry Cardinal Newman the greatest fear in life is that it will never actually begin. I have news for him. Some people's lives never really begin despite the illusion that they do. The false starts continue until the person cannot take anymore.
I feel like I have had so many false starts in my life. Each of these starts have led to nowhere. I guess the first of these false starts was leaving school and getting a job. At that time of a young person's life, the world is her oyster, right. However for me it seemed to lead to years of feeling worthless and my first period of depression.
Then in order to try to change my life I went to uni. I still struggled with a low sense of self worth during this time. However, for me attending uni was stimulating. My mind blossomed. I started to gain a sense of what I believed in and where I wanted my life to go.
The dream didn't last long though. I wasn't a successful social welfare worker. My ideals didn't mesh with the reality of the work. I doubted my abilities just as I had when I was working in administration. I had very real reasons to doubt my abilities too. In short, I sucked. I had been chasing ghosts.
So where to from there? I met a wonderful man, moved away from the city of my birth to be with him and eventually married. Getting married should be the ultimate start of one's life, should it not? But, for some reason, the depression hit me for a six. My life stopped. I lost everything that I had ever believed in. I became a non-person living in a world that never actually existed.
Essentially my life has never actually begun. I have no idea how to begin it either. Will it begin when Hubby finally retires and we get to move somewhere which is actually a nice place to live, away from horrible mining towns? Hubby thinks that it will, but I don't think I can actually last that long.
I'm not even exactly sure that I want to try to kick start my life again. My hopes have been dashed too many times. I can't handle another failure.
So, according to John Henry Cardinal Newman the greatest fear in life is that it will never actually begin. I have news for him. Some people's lives never really begin despite the illusion that they do. The false starts continue until the person cannot take anymore.
I don't know what to say. It is just that this post of yours made me really think. I had never though about life this way. Thanks for sharing it.
ReplyDeleteJohn Hnery Cardinal Newman was a Catholic Cardinal and died in 1890. He is on the official path to sainthood in the Catholic Church.
ReplyDeleteThanks mama mouse for providing that information.
ReplyDeleteRadin, it is an interesting way to think about life, hey.
The quote rings true for me. I guess it is up to the individual to find a way to start living their lives.