Without the mask,
Where will you hide.
Can't find yourself,
Lost in your mind.
Where will you hide.
Can't find yourself,
Lost in your mind.
Okay, I know that looks a lot like a couple of lines from an Evanescence song (in case you are wondering, it's from "Everybody's Fool"). Yes, I know that I have changed the last word. I apologise profusely, but those four lines pretty much sum up how I am feeling tonight.
I came to a realisation during my pdoc appointment today. I'm not sure if it is a particularly healthy one, but it holds quite a bit of meaning for me. You see, way back at the beginning of all this mental health crap my biggest fear was in order to get "better" I would have to lose my ability to really think. Today I realised that yes, I am feeling better and it is all because I have lost this ability. I can't pinpoint when this occurred but the airhead has definitely taken me over. I have lost the substance that was me. Great! It appears that I failed at the one last thing that I was holding onto. Wonderful! Dammit.
This is all tied to the admittedly stupid belief that one can only be happy living this life when s/he does so on a superficial level. If one thinks too hard or deeply about life s/he will soon realise that it doesn't mean squat. There is no "higher plan", no "life purpose". Life is only about eating, breathing, reproducing and then dying. There is nothing more to it. That's it.
From the start though, this has not been enough for me. I just can't reconcile with that fact. What's the point of making plans for a future when life is just the great lie that I always suspected it to be. During the appointment today, the pdoc asked me where to from here. I honestly haven't got a clue. The only way I can continue is to not think, to let the airhead be who I really am.
Damn! I was right all along.
I came to a realisation during my pdoc appointment today. I'm not sure if it is a particularly healthy one, but it holds quite a bit of meaning for me. You see, way back at the beginning of all this mental health crap my biggest fear was in order to get "better" I would have to lose my ability to really think. Today I realised that yes, I am feeling better and it is all because I have lost this ability. I can't pinpoint when this occurred but the airhead has definitely taken me over. I have lost the substance that was me. Great! It appears that I failed at the one last thing that I was holding onto. Wonderful! Dammit.
This is all tied to the admittedly stupid belief that one can only be happy living this life when s/he does so on a superficial level. If one thinks too hard or deeply about life s/he will soon realise that it doesn't mean squat. There is no "higher plan", no "life purpose". Life is only about eating, breathing, reproducing and then dying. There is nothing more to it. That's it.
From the start though, this has not been enough for me. I just can't reconcile with that fact. What's the point of making plans for a future when life is just the great lie that I always suspected it to be. During the appointment today, the pdoc asked me where to from here. I honestly haven't got a clue. The only way I can continue is to not think, to let the airhead be who I really am.
Damn! I was right all along.
is ignorance really bliss? i wish i were airhead too at times. it seems my over analyzing of life feeds my anxiety disorder. i see other people who rarely stop to think of anything other than what to make for dinner. they seem happy and content. sometimes i envy them. most times i do not.
ReplyDeleteyou are a thoughtful, passionate human being. you are courageous in sharing your emotions with the world through your blog. through your sharing you touch people, like you did myself. in this way you change, shape and mold you small part of the world. i think that is the meaning of life. i believe that is our purpose.
of course, i don;t know shit. my doc seems to think i am psycho. so take anything i say that you find useful and throw the rest away.
smile.