I'm beginning to hate writing posts that make me sound completely nuts, but I am afraid that this is going to be another one of those sorts of posts. Sometimes I just don't understand my thought processes or for that matter, my behaviour.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I need to talk about SH again. What makes someone do it? "They" say that is indicative of some sort of past trauma. However I don't think I have made any secret of my disdain regarding that concept in relation to my life experiences. Am I scared to admit that something wasn't alright in my past? I don't know. Only time will really tell I guess. I don't really see any past hurts or whatever as the key to my current "problems" however. I don't even know if I really have any current problems. Is that just the epitome of denial? Dammit, I don't know.
So why am I doing it again? I had almost gotten over it. Any SH that I had done since my last hospital stay (which was months ago now) had been so superficial it hadn't been worth doing. With the new medication I was on, I felt more with it, more myself. Initially I missed the ability to SH "properly", but it soon became evident that I didn't really need to do it anymore. But now, since Wednesday, I am burning again. Apart from the initial, "Ow, that really hurts," I am almost enjoying it. It's sick I know, but I almost like the sensation. I almost like the marks that I leave. Now that I have conquered the fear of pain again, I'm finding it very, very easy to do.
Gawd, this should be a problem for me. I guess just the fact that I am writing about it indicates that it is a problem. I just can't see it that way though. It's just something that I do, no matter how dumb it is. *Sigh* I don't have any answers.
Damn I write some heavy posts. Sorry about that. I just need to get stuff out at times. I probably should get out of that habit and start focusing on flowers and bunnies or something. Mmmm.
disso_k, remember this is your blog and if you want to write about SH that is your choice. if anybody reading dosent like it they can always leave. now, i cant say why you're doing it again, but for me i do it over and over because it's what's comfortable to me. i have not found any other safe and as satisfying alternatives to it and therefore always resort to it. enjoying it is a huge part of SH, and i also take pride(best word i could think of here)in my "work", but, at the same time am very secretive of it. anyway,aren't you a little glad you can talk about it on here because it's a great way to get things out? please don't stop.
ReplyDeleteThanks blogaholic. What you have written makes a hell of a lot of sense.
ReplyDeleteIt is YOUR blog, so you can write anything YOU want...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are SHing. For me, SH is a relieve from mental pain. Sometimes it's a distraction. I don't know - it's different for different people perhaps. But do you feel the need to distract yourself from something else that is happening?
I haven't done it in a while, though, or felt the urge to do it. My meds help some.
Hang in there... and hey, keep writing your mind.
Polar Bear
I only know what SH is .. not WHY it is. You must be hurting very badly somewhere deep inside. All I can do is offer many, many hugs for you!
ReplyDeleteI hope your pain eases and you heal ... but in the meantime if you need to write about it THEN WRITE ABOUT IT!
HUGS
Mama mouse & Polar Bear ... thankyou both. I do need those comforting hugs and thoughts at the moment.
ReplyDelete