I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much less aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you
Numb
Linkin Park
(with my apologies for changing one of the words)
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much less aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you
Numb
Linkin Park
(with my apologies for changing one of the words)
I realise this is a bit of a change from tonight's earlier entries, but I'm still having difficulties coming to terms with losing so much of myself. I'm still numb in a way. Not that soul-destroying numbness that I have felt in the past, but numb nevertheless.
Essentially, this sense of numbness is the loss of my ability to feel properly, to experience a real emotion that doesn't smack of fakeness. I'm at the point where my persona around my family and friends is more often than not that giggling person that I used to be. (Actually she was quite annoying in her own right ... like the doctor in The Simpsons that laughs after everything he says even if it is, "You only have 24 hours to live, Homer.")
However that persona is not me. The real inner me, is very different. I lack depth, empathy and the ability to really feel both what is going on around me and within me. I could walk past the greatest masterpiece in the world and not be moved.
Do I miss who I was? I don't know. It's difficult for me to understand who that person was, to really remember her, with all her dimensions. All that I know is that in some bizarre way she has been lost forever and replaced with the person that sits in front of the laptop now. My name is still Kym. I still have her memories (well, most of them anyway). She is gone though and I am left to continue on.
Essentially, this sense of numbness is the loss of my ability to feel properly, to experience a real emotion that doesn't smack of fakeness. I'm at the point where my persona around my family and friends is more often than not that giggling person that I used to be. (Actually she was quite annoying in her own right ... like the doctor in The Simpsons that laughs after everything he says even if it is, "You only have 24 hours to live, Homer.")
However that persona is not me. The real inner me, is very different. I lack depth, empathy and the ability to really feel both what is going on around me and within me. I could walk past the greatest masterpiece in the world and not be moved.
Do I miss who I was? I don't know. It's difficult for me to understand who that person was, to really remember her, with all her dimensions. All that I know is that in some bizarre way she has been lost forever and replaced with the person that sits in front of the laptop now. My name is still Kym. I still have her memories (well, most of them anyway). She is gone though and I am left to continue on.
I just wanted to say Hi and well done for writing a blog.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is fascinating, a real insight into dissociation.
Thank you
Just wanted to say hello and that I enjoy reading your blog. Very insightful. And hey, I hope you find what you're looking for.......she isn't completely lost. Nothing ever really is.
ReplyDelete"You're just an empty cage, girl, if you kill the bird"
Crucify, Tori Amos
Thank you so much for your comments, flame and mikester. They are really appreciated.
ReplyDeleteHey... finally got round to reading ure blog while AWAKE - at a time when i'm coherent enough to leave a comment! Yippee
ReplyDeleteOn a serious note, i don't believe in personality theory. People change, ppl develop over time, ppl are simply WHO they are at any given moment in time. Don't beat ureself up for feeling and "being" different to the person you remember being years ago. You are you - you are Kym. And this version of you is just as valid as the previous one.
I fully understand the whole "numb, don't feel myself" thing - fully. But... concentrate on each moment, concentrate on how you feel and who you are at each moment in time. Step by step, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if necessary. Focus on little goals and force ureself to achieve them - things like going out for bread & milk (or cigs and choc!).
The mask - well, i know that one thru and thru. The only advice i can offer on the mask issue is to find someone with whom you can let ure mask down safely, someone you trust. You need someone with whom you can be yourself, maskless. I, for instance, talk to and hug my cat!! Not ideal, but hey, without pb i gotta have someone!
I still think you need to see a decent therapist of some kind AS WELL AS seeing the pdoc. I think some coping skills are in order here!! lol
And keep blogging - i think u'll find it VERY helpful for sorting out your feelings/thoughts.
Isn't it ironic - u give me mental health advice and i give u mental health advice. And yet we're both just too loons floating thru the world, numb to everything and everyone... damn huh.
:)
Joey
hi. i have a blog here on blogger too called "the brink of insanity-my journey thru mental illness" and i can certainly relate to the dissociation episodes and feeling numb. in fact my last post is entitled "emotionally numb". i have had close to all the symptoms you described...like i'm in the Twilight Zone or somethin like that. it's like i'm here, but i dont feel like i'm here...so yes, hon i can certainly relate. take good care. peace.
ReplyDelete