Ummm ... Thinking Too Much?

Where to start? I guess I'm feeling a little thoughtful tonight. I don't know how to explain it really, which seems to be so like me. Maybe retrospective? I'm not sure. I'm not really focused on the past per se. My mind is just quiet, yet in some way full of thought.

I went for my usual trip into the semi big smoke today, for my usual appointment with my pdoc. It turned out that last week's appointment was cut short because the pdoc was ill. Silly bugger! Doctors seem to work too hard. I understand that for a psychiatrist maybe the world does stop for some patients if s/he isn't able to see them, but surely there comes a time when you have to look after yourself first. If you are sick, you are sick.

Anyway, that aside, today's appointment was more fruitful than last week's. Why? I guess the pdoc and I actually engaged in some form of discussion. The whole memory thing was once again a major theme throughout the appointment. The pdoc brought up one particular memory that we had apparently discussed a couple of times prior to today, that being the one when, as a child, I sat on the back steps with my pet dog listening to my mother getting stuck into my brother for some reason. I recall that that particular memory was one of the ones I listed in my "100 childhood memories" posts, but as for it being a topic of discussion prior to its inclusion in that list, I am not entirely certain. Perhaps. The pdoc pointed out that the first time this particular memory was discussed, I reacted somewhat negatively, yet on subsequent occasions I had somehow distanced myself from it. Aren't I good! *insert bemused smile here*

I don't know. It's kind of frustrating. It would appear that I distance myself from emotions and feelings regarding events that I should have some sort of emotional connection to. However, I don't understand the what's, the where's and the why's regarding this phenomenon. Apparently it's not the norm, yet it's just the way it is for me. At one stage, I used to view myself as an emotional person, but somewhere along the line I lost that.

I may sound like a broken record when it comes to what I am about to write because I have said something similar time and time again, but I am mystified when it comes to therapy. After all this time I still don't understand what the ultimate goal is. Is it that one day I will miraculously wake up and ... what? Everything somehow fall into place? Feel again? Reach a level of happiness that makes life worthwhile? Actually give a shit? Suddenly go, "Oh that all makes sense ... now I know why I am why I am." Ugh! I don't know! Having a life worth living seems only to be connected to the ability to not think about things. If you think, you are stuffed. It's better to be distant. It's better not to care. Ultimately though, I do not want a life like that. It's not real. I'm sick of not being real. It's the only way I can successfully survive though. Bugger!

Gawd, this whole post is a perfect example of why it is bad to think about stuff. Thinking makes you doubt yourself and write copious amounts of shit.