One Woman's Rant

I despise traditional relationships and the scary thing is, I'm living in one. It makes me feel devalued. He makes me feel like a servant in my own home. But wait! It's not my home, it is his.

He has been on days off since finishing his last night shift on Monday morning. When I took the car over to the small smoke on Tuesday for a service, he stated that he did not want to accompany me because he was too tired.

A few nights ago, I cooked a simple dinner of steak and vegetables. I must admit that I overcooked the steak somewhat. His dinner sat in the fridge for the first night, and then the second night. It was only on Wednesday night when I did not return from the semi big smoke with copious amounts of junk food for him that he decided to eat the dinner that was waiting for him in the fridge. I guess he decided to be sociable while eating his dinner because he sat in the lounge room to eat it. Usually he just eats in front of the computer or in bed. After spending a couple of minutes sampling the food on his plate, he turns to me and proclaims that he can no longer eat this shit. Lovely!

This morning I had to take Kara over to the vet in the small smoke for the third injection out of a series of four. There was no question that he would stay home with our other dog. I arrive home after the two hour round trip to him being disappointed that I did not come home with junk food from KFC or McDonald's. I was in and out of the vet's in fifteen minutes. Was I supposed to leave Kara locked in the car while I ran around after him? Leaving a dog in a car in the central Queensland summer heat is not something someone would do unless they wanted to have a dead dog on their hands.

He went to sleep just prior to midday today after spending countless hours locked away in the computer room playing "Guild Wars" online. On retiring, he stated that he wanted Red Rooster at 1:00pm. He didn't ask. He demanded.

After spending several hours studying, I decided to do some vacuuming. He woke up when I was taking a break from it and asks if I de-furred the couch. He then asked if I did "his room" (aka the computer room) and if I planned to do the bedroom as well. He was sleeping in the bedroom for goodness sake. I was going to sit down with a cup of coffee and rest for a short while before waking him up to vacuum that end of the house.

A long time ago, I gave up trying to discuss any issues with him. When I had tried to do so in the past, instead of listening, he became defensive and instantly threw something that annoyed him about me in my face. Now, if I say or do something that annoys him, he rolls his eyes and walks away.

When I sit down and write a post such as this one, I feel useless and hopeless. Useless, because I should be able to engage in the whole effective communication thing but am stupidly unable to do so. Hopeless because ... well ... thoughts about ending it all run through my head.

It's times like these when I feel lost. It seems to be a vicious cycle. I start feeling good. Suddenly these types of issue come to the foreground again. Because I start thinking about this sort of stuff, I start to feel bad again. When does this merry-go-round stop to let me off?