The Day That Was

Where to begin? This was yesterday:

• Tunnel vision
• A voice from afar saying ... something
  
• My focused finger
• Nothing else
• Where have I gone?
• Darkness within
• Emptiness
  
• Wanting to fight to break out of it
• Wanting to lose myself within it, to allow myself to be totally consumed
  
• Losing myself is winning
  
• Confliction
• Hearing my voice, yet its not me talking
  
• A ringing phone
• I'm back (mostly)

It's not the first time it has happened of course, but there it is ... dissociation a la me.

Yesterday wasn't promising from the start. I wasn't really with it from the time I awoke. The drive didn't help. I perhaps shouldn't have listened to the CD that I chose to play (Linkin Park's Meteora). By the time I drove into the semi big smoke, my surroundings were becoming surreal. Focusing was difficult. And then my appointment began and I was gone.

My pdoc wondered if it was because of something he said, i.e. something about my life being ... umm ... not conducive to happiness. I'm not sure exactly how he termed it. Maybe? I remember feeling like I wanted to cry at the beginning of the appointment, but that feeling was just a stirring deep inside of me. Crying is all but impossible for me these days. The last time I cried was towards the end of last year. It was related to me working at the school and was out of complete frustration and anger. It came out of the blue because it had been ages since I had shed a tear.

So that was a snapshot of yesterday. As for today, I slept through most of it, only waking up after 3:00pm. I'm still not entirely with it. I'm experiencing what I think I will term a dissociation hangover.