More Jumbled Thoughts

I can't concentrate on anything today. Earlier on, I logged into my online TAFE course to do a final check of the html coding in my first piece of assessment before I submitted it. Instead of just checking the code however, I made all these silly little changes which made the page display differently across IE, Netscape and Firefox. IE was the problem of course. I ended up not saving my changes and logging off because I was confusing myself.

After a short while I decided to go and have a lie down and watch some TV. Thankfully I drifted off to sleep. That didn't last long however. My husky, who wanted desperately to go outside, woke me up with her whinging. Since then I have eaten (I think I tend to eat to try to ground myself when I am feeling this way) but I still can't get it together. I'm lost to myself today. Everything is surreal, yet as dark as pitch. I want to curl up into a ball and disappear forever.

Fuck it! Is it wrong to want to be in hospital when I am feeling like this? Who the hell wants to be in hospital for goodness sake? I don't even have the right to be in hospital because I am not actively suicidal or anything. I'm just tired of existing ... plain and simple. In hospital, you are allowed to curl up into a ball. You don't have to think of others. Food is delivered to your room on a regular basis. The only annoying thing is that too many people come into your room for a variety of reasons when all you want is to be left alone to drift into the nothingness.

How I want to take some of those little yellow pills at the moment. I want unconsciousness. I want to sleep for the longest time possible. How about never waking up? Sounds great! Unfortunately I can't. Hubby needs a fresh ironed uniform shirt for his night shift tonight. He needs his crib. I therefore have to get up and prepare these things.

Please, can I escape into that nothingness forever?