Monday, October 31, 2005

Seriously Sleepy

I've not much to say tonight other than I am completely exhausted. Is it too early to go to bed yet? Monday's are one of my more full-on days at work and today seemed to last forever! I was very glad to hear the final bell ring at 3:10 this afternoon.

I had a bit of an "eek" moment at work today. The other teacher aide who works with Indigenous students and I work pretty closely outside of our respective classes. He finally worked up enough courage to ask about the marks on my arms today. (My boss had told me that he had asked her about them last week). He already knows that I drive into the semi-big smoke each Wednesday for some sort of appointment with a health professional. He put two and two together and asked if I had to see a specialist each week about my arms. While I am used to making up some sort of story for my students, I was a little taken aback by the teacher aide's question. I sort of fobbed him off with a remark that they were my battle scars. Thankfully he left it at that, only saying that I was a woman of mystery. (That's kind of funny now I think about it). A potentially uncomfortable moment successfully avoided!

Since I am on the topic of SH, I did pick up a razor last night for the first time in ages. I don't really know why. It's been a while since I have done anything, so I guess I thought it was just time to do some more. I only managed to make a few scratches though, so no harm done.

Oh wow! I just got my first lot of trick or treaters for the night. Happy Halloween!

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Weekend Wrap Up

Is my friend trying to tell me something?

I've just gotten through downloading my emails. Almost hidden in amongst the mess of spam was an email from one of my friends. Let's just say that it definitely caught my eye. It was one of those forwarded-on emails, supposedly written by a grieving father outlining the dangers of inhaling Dust Off computer cleaner after his son died as a result of huffing the product. I've since googled the email to see if it's a hoax and apparently there is some truth to it. Double eek!

Now, the particular friend in question went through all my ups and downs with me earlier this year and last year. She was the one I disclosed my intentions to earlier this year. Talk about your momentary lapses of reason! Let's inform the person who often thinks about how much better it would be to, well, not exist, about a possibly easy way to kark it. Triple eek! I can't help but smile a little cynically at the idea.

Anyway, I guess it is time to be a little more serious. I've been avoiding writing about how I have been feeling over the past few days. Sometimes even I get tired of rehashing all of my usual gunk. The truth is that the latter half of this week was fairly tough. Both Thursday and Friday, I woke up feeling like I had a gut full of it all. Turning up to work and trying to act as if nothing was wrong was incredibly difficult.

Thursday was particularly feral. Thursday evening I attended a dinner for the school's support staff. There were over twenty support staff in attendance. Prior to the dinner, I began feeling a little anxious about going. Put simply, at that stage I didn't want to go, so I sat on the front stairs waiting for my lift, smoking furiously and zoning out a little. By the time I arrived at the venue, I was feeling completely estranged from the other staff members. Thankfully I was the only smoker in attendance so I got to escape out to the venue's back verandah for a smoke away from the other people.

This weekend has been okay though. Yesterday I slept in until around 2:00pm, after going back to bed after seeing Hubby off to work around 6:00am. I must admit that I hung around in bed for the next few hours subsequent to waking to watch TV. I just couldn't be bothered getting up to do anything. Who needs to get dressed anyway, especially when the house is all locked up because of the airconditioning.

Today has been an okay sort of a day too. I've been keeping a low profile once again, but at least I've gotten dressed, done a couple of loads of laundry and finally got around to completing this year's tax return. The good news is because I earned hardly anything last year due to all the time I had off work, I should be getting all my tax back. That means I'll have over $1000 to play with (read that as sit in my bank account until I need it to pay the bills).

Well, I'm off to huff an aerosol can or two. (Sorry ... sick joke).

Friday, October 28, 2005

The Quote of Quotes!

I found the following saying written on the whiteboard at the front of a classroom this afternoon. I loved it so much, I just had to write it down.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Teachers and Students

As a teacher aide, I believe I am in an enviable position. I get to work directly with the students without the responsibility that a teacher has. There is a drawback to this however. When I notice that a teacher is having problems coping with behaviour management within the classroom, I am not in a position to help them a great deal.

My final class for today was a grade 8 music class. It is a relatively small class. There wouldn't be more than 20 students in it. Many of the students in this class are challenging in a behavioural sense however. For better or for worse, I am in the class to assist the Indigenous students. Although the Indigenous students do absolutely need a hand with the class work, it is the non-indigenous students who are the naughtier kids in the class. My kids, as a whole, are pretty damn good.

After all the students left for the day, the teacher instantly broke down and cried. While I busied myself with a particular Indigenous student throughout the class, she had been run ragged trying to control the other naughtier kids. Now, I had a definite reason why I was only focusing on that one student this afternoon. Just before the class had started, the Community Education Counsellor had informed me that the teacher had been having problems with him. He is also a kid who can take or leave me sometimes. This afternoon he asked for my help, so I thought it was a wonderful opportunity to build a little better relationship with him. Through focusing on just this one student, however, I was oblivious to the teacher's plight.

I must admit that I feel for this teacher, as well as feeling a little guilty about being completely unaware of how much difficulty she was having. She is a lovely woman. Granted, she is not strong in the behaviour management area, but other than that, she seems to be a great teacher. Although teacher aides are supposed to leave behaviour management up to the teachers, I might have a chat to one of the deputy principals tomorrow if she is free to clarify my boundaries and see just what I can do to help this teacher, if anything.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Smoke Screens

I wrote the following on the way home from the semi big smoke this afternoon.

It's 4:20 on Wednesday afternoon. I've been to my pdoc appointment. I've been to Medicare to claim my reimbursement. I'm sitting on the side of the highway at the edge of town watching a duck groom itself and, of course, writing this.

I feel like I almost become combatitive during some of my pdoc appointments. This afternoon's appointment was one of those times. I played the same song as I think I often play. The song goes something along the lines of this.
I refuse to delude myself. Life before all this, before moving to the town in which I currently live, was never particularly good. Making changes would not solve anything in the long run. I'm not meant to be happy. I'm not meant to have a healthy self-esteem. I'm not meant to succeed in living life.
I don't know why this is the case. Maybe it is just in my make-up. Maybe I was just born into the wrong family. Maybe I was a serial killer in a former life. Who the hell knows. All that I know is I tried to gain some sort of meaning to this life in the past. I tried for years. I was not successful. It was just never meant to be.

As for my lighter mood over the past couple of days, I think I know where it stemmed from. It came from another fantasy related to my time on the school camp. I had a small glimpse of something; something that I have never had; something that probably doesn't exist in reality. Maybe I should lose myself in this fantasy until the end of the school year. It may just be a way to continue on for another month. Who knows.

Adolescent fantasies are not the way to go though. It would be so much better if I just stopped all this shit and gave up for good. Oh well, only five or less years to go. *Sigh*

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Mama's Don't Let Your Babies ...

... grow up to breed maggots.

I've just a small plea to all those husbands out there. Please, please, when your wives go on a school camp, always wrap up the rubbish in something before you throw it into the wheelie bin. If you don't, your poor wife will come home to a wheelie bin which resembles some bizarre, wriggling science experiment. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! Please, I beg you, think of your wives delicate nasal passages.

Grossness aside, today turned out to be a pretty good day too. My boss pulled me aside this afternoon to ask me if I would be interested in picking up some hours at the school next year. Considering the funding for my current position runs out at the end of the year, I said yes. The hours that she offered me does depend on a teacher aide leaving at the end of the year. The particular teacher aide in question is almost assured of leaving as her husband has been offered a transfer to another town. There may be some pure administration hours available in the school's office as well. All in all, things look good for me to continue working at the school next year in some sort of capacity.

I am secretly hoping that the funding for my current position will be renewed for 2006. At present, I am enjoying working directly with the students. I am also enjoying working with the school's Community Education Counsellor. She is a wonderful woman and great to work for, despite working on "Murri Time" being a little frustrating occasionally. I am quite happy with only working 20 hours per week as well. It gives me that extra day off to recuperate a little if I am not feeling particularly well.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Finally!

Check out the weather map which I just copied from The Weather Channel website! It's teeming down! It's nice to see the area getting a good drop of rain. My backyard has already gone from dirt, dust and dead things to needing a mow badly thanks to the little bit of rain that we've had over the past week or so. The storm which came through the area early this evening has really cooled the temperature down too. I even turned the lounge room airconditioner off. Woohoo!

For me, the rain that has fallen this afternoon has been a nice way to end what was essentially a pretty good day. When I first arrived at work today, I was feeling pretty exhausted and cranky still. I can't believe that going away on a school camp can be so tiring. I don't feel so guilty about being so tired following the camp now though. Every staff member and student who I talked to today who went on the camp was feeling pretty much the same I was.

The first few lessons this morning were a bit of a grind. The students were playing up something fierce for the poor teacher. I don't really growl at the kids for playing up too much because it is not really a teacher aide's place to do so, but after I warned a few of the naughtier kids of my bad mood I ended up having to tell them off due to their behaviour. It was the only time the kids did not want me to attend their next class with them. Towards the last couple of lessons of the day, my mood had lifted however.

I guess the bottom line to this post is that I have been feeling quite okay today. Apart from feeling rather tired still and being in a cranky mood this morning, I have been fine. No dark thoughts have crossed my mind. I haven't felt the desire to self harm. It's nice to have a good day now and then.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Just a Tad Warm

Phew! What a day! For some inexplicable reason, Ergon Energy (the local electricity company) decided to do some work in my area. It's great that they upgraded their equipment and all, but it resulted in the electricity being turned off during the hottest part of the day. How bright was that! Today's temperature only made it to the mid 30's (Celsius), but it sure felt steamy enough without the airconditioner humming away or at least a fan circulating the air. It must be time to move to Tasmania. Ick!

Anyway, time to move onto the obligatory "how have I been today" part of the post. In short, I'm still feeling pretty average. I'm having problems trying to shake these current blues. I'll blame going on camp ... just because I can. The experience sort of made me realise what I may be missing and, as a result, I've been left feeling a little empty. What's new, hey.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

The Reality of Camp

As wonderful as the camp was, it's good to be home. Emotionally, it was a tough handful of days for me. For the most part, I felt quite depressed. My thoughts were dark. I felt a sense of loss. Through all this "feeling" I think I became me again. I didn't enjoy the sensation.

The hardest part of being on the camp was being surrounded by people. I don't feel comfortable when lost in a crowd. When everybody came together at nights for dinner, I was ready to run away to seek out the solitude that I desperately desired.

Throughout the camp, I had the opportunity to chat with fellow school staff members, particularly the other teacher aide whom was employed at the same time I was. I discovered that he had lived such an interesting and varied life. We discussed his plans for the future. He is a few years older than me, yet his life is far from over.

I feel cheated somehow. I glimpsed a side to life that can never be mine. I can be surrounded by beautiful scenery and interesting people, yet all that I can think of is how unworthy I am. I've tried so hard, yet have achieved nothing. I fantasised about overdosing again. Half the time I was so out of it that I didn't know who the hell I had just spoken to. I have no future other than more of the same. Surely I don't deserve this, yet I am powerless to change.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Home Sweet Home

Yesterday everybody arrived home safely (except for one student ) from my school's cultural camp. For me, the camp was both incredibly difficult and amazingly interesting. I'll write more on that later though. For now, I just want to share a few photographs which I took whilst on camp.

On the morning of the camp's second day we took the students on a cultural walk. It was an incredibly special walk. We learnt about the area's significance to Indigenous people as well as some of the area's history from a non-indigenous viewpoint.

I was incredibly honoured to view an Indigenous art site for the first time in my life. The above image is of some of the stencil art in the area. Apparently Indigenous art sites aren't just for art's sake. They signify what the area was used for, for example, a trade route or a burial site.

The above image is of an interesting rock formation from the cultural walk. Recently, the park rangers have discovered that this particular formation is unstable so we weren't able to get any closer to it.

The national park is teeming with wildlife. I was enamoured by the Kookaburras that hung around our camp site.

The above is a picture from the bottom of one of the national park's waterfalls. It was a two kilometre walk, complete with 240 stairs, down to the rock pool. Walks like that remind me of how unfit I have become. I nearly died on the return walk! The area's beauty was worth the effort though.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Heading Off to Camp

I'm going on a school camp next week. Each year the school where I work organises an Indigenous cultural camp for both the school's Indigenous and non-indigenous students. This year we are going to a nearby national park (pictured to the right). The school invites elders from the local area to teach the students about the cultural significance of the area. I'm quite looking forward to going on the camp. Not only will it be a good way to get to know the students with whom I'm working better, it should also be a great opportunity to learn about a culture different to my own.

My only problem with going on the camp is the issue of privacy. There is going to be around forty students, school staff and family members attending the camp. I don't feel 100% comfortable around people to begin with, so it could very well be a bit of a challenge living in such close proximity to so many people. Hopefully when I start feeling hemmed in, I will be able to escape into the bush for a little time alone.

Apart from the above, I haven't got a lot of news at the moment. Generally, I've been feeling okay. SH does remain an issue though. When I burn, I tend to keep going with it for a little while. Tomorrow should see an end to that however, because I won't have a lot of time to myself whilst on camp.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Nighttime Darkness

I just want to write a quick note before I shut off the computer and have myself an early night. I'm not feeling too crash hot tonight.

I guess it has been a long day. It's been bloody hot and humid. The kids at school must have been feeling it because it was a struggle to get them to do any work today. All of my classes today were taught by supply teachers because the regular teachers were either off on sick leave or attending a professional development workshop. That never helps with the behaviour management.

I've been SH'ing this evening. From this afternoon I have been struggling with my usual thoughts. I know how I want to do it. I guess I should consider myself lucky that I do not have access to my chosen method.

I suppose I am just tired and flat tonight. Tomorrow is another day.

Kinda Pissed!

I arrived home from work this afternoon to switch on the television and find out that Schapelle Corby's appeal to the Indonesian high court has resulted in only cutting five years off her original 20 year sentence for allegedly smuggling 4.1kg of marijuana into the country. This means that Schapelle will now spend 15 years in a Bali jail for the "crime" of not thinking to lock her luggage. How ridiculous!

I'm disappointed that the Australian government has not done more to help Schapelle and her family. Surely they could have provided more support. Because of Schapelle's high profile case, it has become apparent that security measures in Australian airports are absolutely horrendous.

I can only hope that Schapelle and the Corby family will continue their fight for freedom. I truly believe that Schapelle is innocent of all wrong doing. Whilst I doubt that anybody connected to Schapelle will ever read this blog, I do wish her the best of luck and a speedy return to Australia.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Wow, What a Ride!

Wednesday's mean that I drive a four hour round trip to the semi big smoke to see my pdoc. On the odd occasion, I throw the camera in the back of the car just in case I see something nice that I want to photograph along the way. Well, today was one of those days that I didn't have the camera and guess what I saw? A mother emu and her chick wandering around just off the side of the highway. I hardly ever see emus on my drives around Central Queensland.

Spewing, spewing, spewing, spewing!

Apart from the emu sighting, today's drive was quite eventful. On the drive in I must have passed just about every cattle road train that works out of Central Queensland. Yuck! It's not too bad if you get a clean run around them, but if you are stuck behind them for a little while, the car's windscreen gets absolutely covered in cattle pee and dirt. I could barely see out the windscreen at one point, and I won't even mention how bad the stench that seeps its way through the car's airconditioning is.

The drive home was equally eventful. Central Queensland must be one of the driest places in the state, apart from the "outback". This afternoon however, the sky opened up with the pelting rain of a storm. Visibility was so bad at one point that I had to get off the road. It was a total white out. Unfortunately the rain didn't make it as west as my little town, but it was good to see the more coastal areas receiving a good drop.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Survived the Training

I made it through the child protection training today. When the training session first began I had to fight an urge to escape the room. I managed to stay however, despite the training revolving around the same videos and scenarios that I fled from last year.

It wasn't particularly easy to begin with. I had to focus on the doodles I was creating on my handout sheets. I was feeling a little calmer when the scenario of student self harm was shown. Normally I don't worry too much about hiding any marks that I have. Apart from perhaps the burn marks on my arm, any other marks are so faint that they are probably only noticeable by me, although I do wear a wrist cuff when I am at school so that there is no chance of the students seeing anything. During that part of the video however, I found myself folding my arms in such a way that the burn marks weren't showing. I don't often wish that I lived in a climate that I could get away with wearing long sleeves without melting because of the heat, but today was certainly one of those days.

Strangely enough though, when my smoke buddy and I escaped for a drive around the block during lunch, I really, really felt like disclosing about my self harm. Thankfully I didn't act on that desire. It would have been incredibly inappropriate. Of the people who work at the school, only my boss knows about my SH. She is a friend anyway and is aware of the problems that I experienced last year.

Perhaps as can be expected after watching such a video (?), I have indulged in a little bit of SH this evening. Stupidly, I have allowed myself to burn again. Burning seems to be the thing that I turn to when I am "serious" about SH'ing.

I wonder how I am going to cope next week when I am at the school's cultural camp and unable to do anything if need be. I guess I will be too busy and tired to need to though. One can only hope.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Strange, Strange Day

It’s been a bit of a strange day today. Maybe I am coming down from yesterday’s good mood. Maybe it’s because of the juxtaposition between enjoying watching the motor racing, keeping myself busy by ironing throughout the afternoon and feeling a bit off tonight. Looking back on the day now as I write, it’s almost like I have been seesawing through emotions all day.

I guess I have been feeling blah for so long that I am just used to feeling this way, of thinking this way. I popped out to Shell this evening to buy some items for Hubby’s crib tomorrow. Whilst at the service station, I caught myself thinking of the whole death thing. How I don’t like life. How I don’t think I would enjoy life even if I was to get off my butt and change whatever needed changing. How it would be a blessing when I am finally diagnosed with some fatal illness and how that couldn’t be that far away (surely).

I had similar thoughts this afternoon towards the end of the Bathurst race. I enjoy watching the race. It’s the one race of the year that I religiously watch. The invading thought connected with the race was that of how I would like to still be able to view the race after I am dead, sort of haunt it or something. How strange a thought is that!

Oh well, it’s back to work tomorrow I suppose. Unfortunately it is a student free day. I have been booked in to do the child protection training again. Great ... not! I hope I don’t have to sit through the same videos that they showed the last time I did the training. I don’t want to freak again and have to go racing from the room. Let’s talk of the ways kids self harm and what to do about it. Right! Fuck!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Mountain is Calling

Man, I can almost smell those petrol fumes! This weekend I am reverting back to my petrol head heritage. Australia's greatest annual motor race is on at Mount Panorama in Bathurst, New South Wales. The mountain has come to life with the roar of the V8 touring car engines. I can't wait to plant my butt firmly on the couch tomorrow and watch the big race unfold. (Okay, well I'll probably do a little ironing in front of the TV too, but that's only because the lounge room is choking with unironed clothes).

I grew up with motor racing. When I was a kid, Dad would take my brother and I along to see the touring car races at the Lakeside and Surfers Paradise circuits. I grew to love watching motor sport live. I had my favourite drivers, like Peter Brock, Dick Johnson and Jim Richards (only because he drove a stunning black and gold BMW). Then the young drivers like Glenn Seton rose through the ranks. I'm still a fan of his after all these years and I am just dying to see him conquer the mountain at some stage.

Only one more sleep until the Bathurst 1000. Woohoo!

Motor racing aside, I've felt pretty good today. My only whinge could be that SH is still on my mind ... the whole everything has healed up and time to do some more thing. I haven't though, and don't think I will tonight because I'm going to hit the hay soon. As for the "unrealness", it hasn't been so bad today. I'm pretty much me and I've had the joy of staying at home today and not having to deal with the outside world.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Lucky Sevens

Time for a change of pace tonight. I've been tagged by James for the following meme, so here goes ...

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
(Damn, this is a hard one for me to answer considering where my mind has been over the last 18 months)
  1. Go on a real dog sled ride
  2. Visit Alaska and Canada (what better places are there to go to dog sledding)
  3. See the Bathurst 1000 touring car race live
  4. Do a beginners photography course
  5. Live somewhere that is not the cesspit of society
  6. Learn to be comfortable with my sexuality again (I threw that one in for Hubby)
  7. Become whole / find a reason to live
Seven things I can do:
  1. Touch type
  2. Snore really loudly (according to Hubby)
  3. Dissociate (apparently)
  4. Whinge
  5. Nag
  6. Really listen (hopefully anyway)
  7. Giggle a lot
Seven things I cannot do:
  1. Ballroom dance (much to Hubby's disgust)
  2. Sing really well
  3. Debate
  4. Keep a pot plant alive
  5. Keep a nice, clean house
  6. Reverse park a car
  7. Pee standing up
Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex:
  1. Someone who is not sexist nor racist
  2. Someone who is spiritual but not religious
  3. Someone who leans to the left politically
  4. Well-developed upper arms
  5. Well-developed chest
  6. Someone who will go for walks with me
  7. Someone who is a tad gritty on the surface but is a softy underneath
Seven things I say most often:
  1. Shit, it's hot! (now that it is summer in my neck of the woods)
  2. Bugger
  3. Foul
  4. Fuck (I guess I just swear a lot)
  5. Ummm
  6. Grrr
  7. Drop! (when one of my furry kids is annoying me)
Seven celebrity crushes:
  1. Patrick Stewart (from Star Trek Next Generation and the Xmen movies)
  2. Sean Connery (I like old, balding men)
  3. Hugh Jackman (gawd, this man can act!)
  4. David Boreanaz (from Buffy and Angel)
  5. Christopher Meloni (from Law and Order SVU)
  6. Glenn Seton (Australian V8 Supercar driver)
  7. Adrian Paul (from the Highlander TV series and latter movies)
Seven people who need to do this:
  1. Joey
  2. Mothy
  3. Blogaholic
  4. Gabbi
  5. Anyone else
  6. who wants
  7. to take up the challenge

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Therapy and Empty Threats

Ugh! Where do I start with this post? I want to write about therapy. What is it meant to achieve? What is its aim? How is it supposed to work? Does it really "cure" people? I've got so many questions about it. I'm feeling confused. I'm feeling stuck.

It seems so silly to feel this way about therapy. I've studied a whole degree which was centred around basic counselling skills and social welfare principals. I'm trained in crisis counselling. I've worked in the human services field. I've worked with counselling psychologists. I've worked with mental health nurses. One of my closest friends has an honours degree in psychology and given the right circumstances could easily become a doctor in the discipline.

I realise that my knowledge and skills are a far cry from those which are held by qualified psychologists. I realise my knowledge of psychiatry is non-existent. However, I don't think I should be as clueless as I am about this whole area given my background. It's confusing. It's frustrating.

It's been a little over a year since I first met my pdoc. I was in hospital for the first couple of months of knowing him. I started weekly therapy appointments with him at the beginning of this year. I spent another few weeks in hospital earlier this year. Yet, given all this time, what has been achieved?

Granted, the depression is gone, or at least well under control with the medication. I would suspect that the time that has elapsed has had at least some positive impact on the depression as well. I don't think I will ever be completely free of it though. For some reason it just seems to be part of my make up. I guess that is what they call dysthymia.

I don't get this "unrealness" though. What happened to bring this on? What is it? Where did I go? Why do I feel so ... odd? Where did my substance go? Did I ever actually have any substance at all? Why am I fake? Why do I wish that I could just fade away and be done with it all? Damn, I think sometimes I just want my pdoc to slap a label on me so I could at least look up a book about it or something; just to normalise my experiences. The word dissociation still doesn't make any sense.

I guess what is bugging me at the moment is my inability to engage properly in any type of therapy. Is it my fault? Is it my pdoc's fault? Can blame be laid in such a situation? My pdoc has indicated that I don't take myself and perhaps this therapy business seriously. I think he is wrong in this respect. I believe I do. Gawd, if I didn't take myself seriously I probably wouldn't be in this mess.

Rather, I think the problem lies in my inability to open up about any topic remotely connected to me. For whatever reason, I find talking about myself and my experiences intensely difficult. Could this "not taking things seriously" be some sort of defence mechanism that I use? Do I not count? That is the reason why I write this journal; to try to connect with myself. At the moment, it is only through writing that I can make any attempt to express myself, my thoughts and how I am feeling within.

Herein lies the threat. I am becoming extremely tired of existing in such a manner. If this therapy stuff doesn't work, what is the point of continuing (and I don't mean with therapy when I say this). There will be no hope left at all. I can't continue to just exist forever. Surely that is not what life is about. When I finally allow myself to face the truth that this is all there is and that there is no hope of a future worth living, then I hope that I will have the fortitude to do something about it. I hope I will be able to bring everything to an end.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Lost for Words

I'm bereft of words tonight. I don't know who was sitting across from my pdoc during today's appointment. It was one of the fake, empty me's. Damn, I've got to stop thinking about this "unreal" garbage. I'm driving myself nuts. It's just where I am at at the moment and I guess the whole point of writing this blog is to express what's going on in my head. I have to be true to it.

Anyway, that's enough from me. I'll let the following song lyrics from Linkin Park tell my story for tonight.

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
Erase all the pain 'til it's gone
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere, only to find that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own
I want to heal, but I don't think it is possible. This is all that is left. I'm gone. All that I have left is this fake, unreal existence and the wish that I don't have to persevere for too much longer.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

A Moment of Me

I don't know if I will be able to explain myself properly tonight throughout this post, but here goes anyway. Tonight, while I was talking with a friend on the phone, I finally had a moment of clarity. Towards the end of the phone call, the "real me" clicked in. "I" was talking and I knew it was finally me. It felt so easy to talk. It felt genuine. It wasn't just some bizarre fragmented bit of me trying to interact in as normal manner as that particular bit could. I was really me!

I know that the above paragraph probably sounds a little odd, but I guess what I am trying to explain stems from the past handful of days or so. I suppose that I have been a little out of it still. At work these past couple of days, and over the weekend whilst both getting organised for the wedding and attending it, I have been a tad lost to myself. I've just been an actor, muddling my way through different experiences. I've been the "professional me" at work. I have been the empty shell when at home, and I have been some sort of "trying to be social me" at the wedding.

I realise that everybody has slightly different personas depending on which situation they find themselves in. People do have professional personas. People do have social personas. People do have private personas. The problem is I guess, that I have felt so disjointed from one situation to another. When I arrived home from the wedding early Sunday morning, I knew that by taking my dose of Seroquel I would literally sleep all day on Sunday. I wondered for a short time if I should forego the Seroquel so that I wouldn't lose the entire day. Instead, I just took my usual dose. I wanted to blow away my Sunday. I didn't want to face myself that day. These past couple of days, I wished that I could just drift off to sleep the moment that I arrived home from work. I can't stand the difference between the (fake) work me and the empty shell of a me that I am once I am home. None of these me's are entirely real. They are all fake in their own way.

All that I have tried to explain above is why it felt like a breath of fresh air during this evening's phone with my friend when I suddenly felt like the real me again. I wasn't faking it. I was real for that brief moment in time. I was whole.

And so ends tonight's fantasy.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Weekend Update

Well, it's been a few days since I've posted, essentially because Hubby and I had a busy weekend. On Saturday we travelled into the semi big smoke to attend the wedding of my boss' son. It was a lovely wedding. The ceremony was held at the top of a coastal hill in a national park. It was a beautiful setting, made all the more special because of the significance the spot holds for the groom and his family. Only a few short years ago the groom's father's ashes were scattered over the ocean from the same hillside.

Now that the rush of the weekend is over, I am feeling sombre. Today turned out to be quite okay, but for whatever reason I decided to pick up my current weapon of choice tonight. I don't know why. It has been over a week since I've indulged in any SH so I just needed to do a little tonight. It's relaxed me a little.

It's time for me to retire to my bedroom though and watch a little TV before drifting off to sleep.