A Moment of Me

I don't know if I will be able to explain myself properly tonight throughout this post, but here goes anyway. Tonight, while I was talking with a friend on the phone, I finally had a moment of clarity. Towards the end of the phone call, the "real me" clicked in. "I" was talking and I knew it was finally me. It felt so easy to talk. It felt genuine. It wasn't just some bizarre fragmented bit of me trying to interact in as normal manner as that particular bit could. I was really me!

I know that the above paragraph probably sounds a little odd, but I guess what I am trying to explain stems from the past handful of days or so. I suppose that I have been a little out of it still. At work these past couple of days, and over the weekend whilst both getting organised for the wedding and attending it, I have been a tad lost to myself. I've just been an actor, muddling my way through different experiences. I've been the "professional me" at work. I have been the empty shell when at home, and I have been some sort of "trying to be social me" at the wedding.

I realise that everybody has slightly different personas depending on which situation they find themselves in. People do have professional personas. People do have social personas. People do have private personas. The problem is I guess, that I have felt so disjointed from one situation to another. When I arrived home from the wedding early Sunday morning, I knew that by taking my dose of Seroquel I would literally sleep all day on Sunday. I wondered for a short time if I should forego the Seroquel so that I wouldn't lose the entire day. Instead, I just took my usual dose. I wanted to blow away my Sunday. I didn't want to face myself that day. These past couple of days, I wished that I could just drift off to sleep the moment that I arrived home from work. I can't stand the difference between the (fake) work me and the empty shell of a me that I am once I am home. None of these me's are entirely real. They are all fake in their own way.

All that I have tried to explain above is why it felt like a breath of fresh air during this evening's phone with my friend when I suddenly felt like the real me again. I wasn't faking it. I was real for that brief moment in time. I was whole.

And so ends tonight's fantasy.