It's 4:20 on Wednesday afternoon. I've been to my pdoc appointment. I've been to Medicare to claim my reimbursement. I'm sitting on the side of the highway at the edge of town watching a duck groom itself and, of course, writing this.
I feel like I almost become combatitive during some of my pdoc appointments. This afternoon's appointment was one of those times. I played the same song as I think I often play. The song goes something along the lines of this.
I refuse to delude myself. Life before all this, before moving to the town in which I currently live, was never particularly good. Making changes would not solve anything in the long run. I'm not meant to be happy. I'm not meant to have a healthy self-esteem. I'm not meant to succeed in living life.I don't know why this is the case. Maybe it is just in my make-up. Maybe I was just born into the wrong family. Maybe I was a serial killer in a former life. Who the hell knows. All that I know is I tried to gain some sort of meaning to this life in the past. I tried for years. I was not successful. It was just never meant to be.
As for my lighter mood over the past couple of days, I think I know where it stemmed from. It came from another fantasy related to my time on the school camp. I had a small glimpse of something; something that I have never had; something that probably doesn't exist in reality. Maybe I should lose myself in this fantasy until the end of the school year. It may just be a way to continue on for another month. Who knows.
Adolescent fantasies are not the way to go though. It would be so much better if I just stopped all this shit and gave up for good. Oh well, only five or less years to go. *Sigh*
disso,
ReplyDeleteI've sung the same song before, I believe. It used to be my obsession - trying to figure things out, trying to figure out if life is all there is at the moment. Coming to the conclusion that perhaps it's just meant to be....
I try not to focus on that so much anymore. It just drives me to the brink of despair.
Take care!
Polar
I hope I don't overstep my bounds by asking these questions. Normally I'd sit back and see how things unfold. But I am curious as to what your fantasy is and what will happen in 5 (or less) years.
ReplyDeleteI understand if you do not want to answer them. I am thinking of you and hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Sorry that it has taken me a few days to reply, Denise. I'll try my best to answer your questions and not sound totally strange. I guess the whole point of keeping this blog is to lay it all out there, so here goes.
ReplyDeleteThe whole five year thing is related to the dysthymia and dissociative disorder I guess. For whatever reason, I have this feeling that I won't make it past 40. It's weird I know, but I've never been able to shake the feeling. I guess it is just one of those things.
As for the fantasy that I alluded to in this post, I'm not sure what to say without completely putting my foot into it. It's related to something I observed about a couple of people (and one in particular) whilst on the school camp. It's nothing sinister like the 40 year thing. It's just something "fun" I can focus on for the moment if I want to.
Thanks for your support.
Hey Polar. I think I understand what you mean about how focussing on those sort of things can lead you to the brink of despair. I guess that is what I am doing to myself at the moment. In a way though, I am scared of stopping myself thinking of these sort of things. I'm scared that if I do, I will lose myself completely. Does that make any sense?
ReplyDeleteThank you for explaining things to me. You are a sweetheart for having the patience. I suppose if you think you are strange, that makes me strange too. I can relate to you on a number of levels, which is why I visit your site daily.
ReplyDeleteJust like you, I also observe certain characteristics in others and reenact scenarios in my mind that are funny to me. This is how I get through uncomfortable situations. What I find a bit odd is that the characteristics I notice in people are not always clear to the others observing until later on down the time line.
Regarding your 40 feeling, has this number always been in your head as you were growing up. Or has this number recently surfaced?
HMMM... note the capital letters lol.
ReplyDeleteI know that our minds play tricks on us, like OFTEN, but... need I point out that I knew you before you moved out west, before you met your hub... before, before, before!
You were and still are a great person with heaps of potential to succeed at life!! Happiness is one of those weird constructs we all think everyone else has and we don't. Give that word up entirely I reckon.
Dot points -
1. making changes would MAKE CHANGES. thats the point! remember that saying, a change is as good as a holiday lol? well, you know what i mean. change is hard, but sometimes its necessary!
2. you ARE meant to be "happy". still hate that word tho... maybe it would be accurate to say you aren't meant to be UNhappy lol.
3. you ARE meant to have a healthy self esteem and I remember that altho not perfect, you DID have a healthy understanding of your "self" not that long ago!! well, not that long ago for us oldies. *smiles*
4. you ARE meant to succeed at life. you have and you will again. damn the negative self thoughts and self talk. damn it to hell lol. just make sure that those thoughts are in different level of hell to you. put them in level two or something, so you cant see or hear them from where you and i will undoubtedly be enjoying the nasty aroma and each other's company in Level 7. hmmm, i wonder how many readers are completely confused right about now lol!!
hahaha
Hey Joey - I am a tad confused, but that's just normal for me!
ReplyDelete