As wonderful as the camp was, it's good to be home. Emotionally, it was a tough handful of days for me. For the most part, I felt quite depressed. My thoughts were dark. I felt a sense of loss. Through all this "feeling" I think I became me again. I didn't enjoy the sensation.The hardest part of being on the camp was being surrounded by people. I don't feel comfortable when lost in a crowd. When everybody came together at nights for dinner, I was ready to run away to seek out the solitude that I desperately desired.
Throughout the camp, I had the opportunity to chat with fellow school staff members, particularly the other teacher aide whom was employed at the same time I was. I discovered that he had lived such an interesting and varied life. We discussed his plans for the future. He is a few years older than me, yet his life is far from over.
I feel cheated somehow. I glimpsed a side to life that can never be mine. I can be surrounded by beautiful scenery and interesting people, yet all that I can think of is how unworthy I am. I've tried so hard, yet have achieved nothing. I fantasised about overdosing again. Half the time I was so out of it that I didn't know who the hell I had just spoken to. I have no future other than more of the same. Surely I don't deserve this, yet I am powerless to change.
I always love your pictures K, you've a great eye. So crisp. I need to buy a decent camera. Love that rock formation Awesome (word of the week apparently)
ReplyDeleteHappy Bday for last week too kiddo. Another year of life wrapped up eh? LIke a fine wine eh... (crawler - me!)
I'm pretty bloody cheesed off about schapelle too... god damn it all!
Hey don't lose heart K, 'cause I know you've got a lot of it. Heart that is, but you need it all! Looking forward to sharing an expensive pizza with you again some day.
I am relating to how you are feeling. My brother and his wife had a baby yesterday. Normally I would be thrilled and buying tons of balloons, but I didn't feel as though I was even there. I wasn't in the moment. It was such a happy day but I was so disconnected.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read the paragraph about your chat with a fellow staff member, I thought "He has goals set and is ambitious". Any goal I set seems so far out of reach, so I don't bother. Getting out of bed and dealing with the day seems to be enough of a challenge.
My love goes to you. We will get through this life of ours, one day at a time.
Your photographs are incredible. You have an eye for nature. Thanks for posting them. I could relate to the anxiety you felt. Recently I was invited to what is called a progressive dinner where you go from one persons house to the next and at each house you have something else to eat until the last house is desert. I had just moved into a new place so I was meeting all my neighbors for the first time. It was perhaps one of the most difficult times I have experienced in a long time. I am so much better with one or two people at a time. I just kept thinking of a way out of it. Oh, heck, I could relate to all that you felt and wrote here. I just wrote a bp friend last night and admitted that I had enough medicine on hand to end it all. Keep writing, find the light and don’t give up.
ReplyDeleteI know a good way for you to realise your life is far from over... come for a visit!! Enjoy the sunshine of the Sunny Coast!!
ReplyDeleteSpend $$ at the plaza, watch movies, whatever. *smiles*
Otherwise I'll be road tripping my way up there. And thats an almight EEK lol.
Oh and happy birthday for last week too. I bought you a present about 3 weeks ago and still havent sent it yet lol. I'll get there... soon :D
hmmmm, more of the same eh? go do something spontainious and radical, at least once a week
ReplyDelete((((((((((((Kym))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteu are not alone in how you are feeling right now hon. i can so totally relate.
BTW Happy Belated B-day!
p.s. i've started yeat another blog this time it's coming from a deep place within -hurts i've endured since childhood..it's called "I've Passed This Way Before"
take care of yourself because there is only one YOU!
love
miz e (genelle)
Genelle, thanks for the birthday wishes. I'm looking forward to having a read through your new blog. Thanks and take care.
ReplyDeleteZack, thanks for the suggestion.
Joey, I would love to drive down and visit again. If you do decide to come up, the spare bedroom will be ready for you. :)
Mothy, thanks for your comments regarding my photos. I have to admit that Hubby bought a pretty flash camera last year. The camera makes it easy to get good shots. You will have to invest in a new camera soon. Think of that pay rise next year! ;) Thanks also for the belated birthday wishes. You are a bit of a crawler, hey. LOL
ReplyDeleteDenise, sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time at the moment. The disconnectedness can be so hard to deal with sometimes. At other times, unfortunately, it can feel like some sort of bizarre blessing. I agree that sometimes just getting out of bed can be the biggest challenge. I really appreciate your comments. Take care.
Steve, thanks for your comments regarding my photos too. I am a bit of a snap shot fiend these days. :) Although difficult, I'm glad you made it through your progressive dinner. I know how hard it can be to be around all those people. Around the time your refill all your prescriptions can be such a dangerous time, hey. It's good that you were able to tell someone how you were feeling. Take care too, and I hope that one day life will become just a little easier for all of us.