Lost for Words

I'm bereft of words tonight. I don't know who was sitting across from my pdoc during today's appointment. It was one of the fake, empty me's. Damn, I've got to stop thinking about this "unreal" garbage. I'm driving myself nuts. It's just where I am at at the moment and I guess the whole point of writing this blog is to express what's going on in my head. I have to be true to it.

Anyway, that's enough from me. I'll let the following song lyrics from Linkin Park tell my story for tonight.

When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind
Inside of me
But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own

I want to heal
I want to feel
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long
Erase all the pain 'til it's gone
I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face
I was confused
Looking everywhere, only to find that it's
Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
So what am I
What do I have but negativity
'Cause I can't justify the
Way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own

I want to heal, but I don't think it is possible. This is all that is left. I'm gone. All that I have left is this fake, unreal existence and the wish that I don't have to persevere for too much longer.