I made it through the child protection training today. When the training session first began I had to fight an urge to escape the room. I managed to stay however, despite the training revolving around the same videos and scenarios that I fled from last year.
It wasn't particularly easy to begin with. I had to focus on the doodles I was creating on my handout sheets. I was feeling a little calmer when the scenario of student self harm was shown. Normally I don't worry too much about hiding any marks that I have. Apart from perhaps the burn marks on my arm, any other marks are so faint that they are probably only noticeable by me, although I do wear a wrist cuff when I am at school so that there is no chance of the students seeing anything. During that part of the video however, I found myself folding my arms in such a way that the burn marks weren't showing. I don't often wish that I lived in a climate that I could get away with wearing long sleeves without melting because of the heat, but today was certainly one of those days.
Strangely enough though, when my smoke buddy and I escaped for a drive around the block during lunch, I really, really felt like disclosing about my self harm. Thankfully I didn't act on that desire. It would have been incredibly inappropriate. Of the people who work at the school, only my boss knows about my SH. She is a friend anyway and is aware of the problems that I experienced last year.
Perhaps as can be expected after watching such a video (?), I have indulged in a little bit of SH this evening. Stupidly, I have allowed myself to burn again. Burning seems to be the thing that I turn to when I am "serious" about SH'ing.
I wonder how I am going to cope next week when I am at the school's cultural camp and unable to do anything if need be. I guess I will be too busy and tired to need to though. One can only hope.
(((((disso_k))))))
ReplyDeleteIt must have been hard to be watching those videos. I'm sorry you ended up SH'ing.
I wish you all the best for next week's camp. My thoughts will be with you. Hang in there. You can get through this!
Polar Bear
1st, congrats on hanging in there for the training. Especially knowing what was upcomming, that's a huge accomplishment.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, too, I have this desire to tell co-workers of my SH, but am so glad I haven't. I know it would be something I would regret, I think.
It's so hard to keep your mind from thinking about SH, that when you have to see pictures, too-grrrr. I know for me, if I see pic's, I also indulge.
How long do you have to go for the cultural camp? Like, overnight and everything? Well good luck with it, and hope you have soooo much fun that you won't have much of a chance to think about it.