At the beginning of the appointment all was going well. I could actually string sentences together for a change, so that was pretty cool. I think I might be getting better at this whole therapy thing.
After a while, the pdoc asked to read through my journal (my journal is my blog entries). He picked up on a few things that I had written over the past few weeks since our last appointment and commented on them.As the pdoc was reading through my journal I began to feel the familiar ache build within me. I was falling into my "life sucks and I have had enough" thought process. I'm used to these thoughts randomly invading my mind, so that was not at all unusual especially during a pdoc appointment.
What was unusual is what happened next. Mmm ... what's the best way to describe it? I just started fading away somehow. I could hear what the pdoc was saying, what he was asking me, but I had to fight incredibly hard just to give him a one word answer. At one stage I had to close my eyes and really concentrate to stay with it. Damn that feeling sucked!
It wasn't until I was well into my drive home that I literally shook myself out of it. You know that feeling when a chill goes up your spine or something? That's what happened to make me fully with it again.
Anyway, I'll end this post with the lyrics to "Untitled" by Simple Plan. It's kind of my theme song tonight.
I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight
And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again
So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
I've made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me
we all feel like that now and then.
ReplyDeleteso relax.
percy
Umm ... okay. I didn't realise that everybody dissociates in front of their psychiatrist on a weekly basis. I guess I can relax about it then.
ReplyDeleteWhat really impresses me about this post is your ability to record what happened to you. Powerful and moving - thankyou,
ReplyDeleteB
disso,
ReplyDeleteYeah, I feel like that a lot during my therapy appointments, but usually when we are discussing something intense. My therapist is pretty good at picking this up, though, and will immediately challenge me on it.
Polar
I know that disassociated feeling well and yes it is scary and creepy.
ReplyDeleteI call that feeling..."going into my bubble". All senses seem to shutdown and I cannot touch, taste, smell, hear, see, anything...then suddenly all my senses return in a rush of noise and sights and sounds etc.
ReplyDeleteThis often happens when I am extremely stressed, or severely depressed. My Dr calls it "depersonalization" when I interpersonally "disconnect" or dissociation when I disconnect from the world. Sometimes it feels like tons of time has passed and I snap out of it and no time seems to have gone by...other times it seems like no time went by and large chunks of time will have disappeared. Some meds cause me to have these symptoms too...For me Epival and Benzos are really harsh this way at high doses.
Just passing by...
ReplyDeleteI really love your blog.
I especially love your honesty!
hi disso_k. just out of curiosity, what did your pdoc say when this was happening? that sounds like it must have been pretty scarry?
ReplyDeletep.s i really like that song too, very moving.
i did something like that too in therapy a couple weeks ago. something my therapist was saying started to make me feel really tired and i closed my eyes and felt like i was going to fade away too. it was so black, it was like he wasn't there, i wasn't there. i wasn't scared though. i wanted to go away. because i didn't want to listen anymore. but then my therapist said my name and told me to stay with him and not to zone out. he thought it was the child side of me that was reacting in therapy and told me that he needed to talk to my adult side. but what happened was that my child side responded first to his voice and sort of peeked out at him. i didn't tell him so though. i think it's funny. is it true that benzos can intensify this experience? i'm on a lose dose of ativan. .5 mg twice a day.
ReplyDeletegrr at the relax comment disso!
ReplyDeletewho the fuck is percy anyway!!
geez!!
and go the simple plan lyrics
i listen to them everytime i'm down or angry or depressed or, shit, any negative emotion at all.
not to encourage you or anything, but have you heard their song "Jump"... one of my favs lol
*winks at disso*
cya chickadee
Yep, dissassociation. I don't do that as often now as I did when I was younger, or maybe I do it so very often that I don't really notice it being anything different than my normal state?
ReplyDelete