What Is It About Wednesdays?

I experienced another "numbing out" episode this afternoon. (Oh great, I just lit up two cigarettes in quick succession of each other. Now I have two lit, full cigarettes sitting in the ashtray beside me. ) I sort of disappeared into myself. My surroundings sort of faded out. I felt completely and utterly numb. I felt like my movements were impeded by some sort of murky soup. I ended up burning. When the worst of the deadness subsided, my thoughts were exceedingly dark. These thoughts are still with me now. I swear if I had access to a firearm, I would be dead ten times over. It would be so easy and quick. That's what I want.

I'm scared that I won't be able to make it through the remaining two weeks and two days that I have to work at the school. I know that it doesn't sound like a long time but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope. Each week is just getting harder and this thing that happened on Tuesday has prodded me even further down into the abyss. The anger is gone and I am left with nothing but a sense of foreboding.

Even though Hubby is sleeping in the other room, I don't feel 100% safe. I'm beginning to feel like some sort of stereotypical psychiatrist's patient who falls apart if I miss one week of therapy. It ludicrous! I'm beginning to feel like a complete failure, that I am not meant to live in this world. How much longer do I have to endure? May I restate the question I asked my pdoc during our last appointment? I know that you can't tell me, but please! I can't take this roller coaster ride any longer.