Sometimes the world becomes blurry as has been the case for me over these past couple of weeks. Just occasionally, that evacuation sign is all that can be seen. It stands out so clearly from the surrounding swirling mess. It can be ever so alluring. All that you want to do is to reach out and embrace it because then you know that all this could stop, or at least you hope that it would.
But the path to the sign is twisted. You think you are firmly set upon it, then something blocks your way and you end up falling off its spongy edges. All carefully laid plans fall to pieces. Realistically, it's probably for the best. It's a path that probably shouldn't be traversed. But my god, you want to reach that sign. It is all that you can think about, all that you desire, all that you have planned for.
There comes a time when you realise that you have once again fallen off that path. It's devastating! You try to claw your way back on the path but things block your passage once again; a friend's cry, the thought that maybe this isn't all there is and you will be stuck working on shit even if you reach the sign and step over to the other side.
It's not fair! But you haven't completely given up on the prize that lies at the foot of that sign.
You word it beautifully. If such a condition can be beautiful. I dissociate all the time and mostly it's for my own good to deal with the pain. However, damn, it hampers me doing much of anything in my body.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
i call my inability to process things in the here and now my broken tracking. when the tracking bar on the TV bounces back and forth fast, slow, searching furiously for that middle clear ground...that's what it feels like in my head sometimes. and somehow i'm supposed to see what is before me when the tracking is broken..when that bar is dancing back and forth i'm supposed to catch glimpses of the here and now and make since of it.
ReplyDelete