I've not a lot to report tonight. It's been an average Monday. I kept busy doing a bit of housework ... dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom. The rest of my day I spent in front of my laptop surfing blogs and trying to strip the coat out of my dogs. They are both dropping fur like mad. Fur, fur everywhere!
My mood hasn't been as good today as it has been over the past few days. I'm not feeling depressed though. I'm just a little flatter than I have been of late. Unfortunately some negative thoughts popped into my head this morning, e.g. how I felt annoyed at a friend last night regarding something I did for her but she later rejected and a thought of how I failed at something (can't remember what now). I think these thoughts might have helped my mood to lower for the day.
My appetite/desire to eat everything that isn't nailed down is still driving me to distraction. I've been scoffing down food like there is no tomorrow over these past few days. I'm not one for following a proper diet by any stretch of the imagine, but this overeating is becoming ridiculous.
Finally, thoughts of SH still remain an issue. I only indulged in a tiny bit this evening. Slow and steady seems to be what I prefer. Do I like the feeling of control when I do it? I'm not sure. I like the sensation and I like the sight. At least I think I do, anyway. Afterwards (and probably still now) I felt a little odd. I don't hate that odd feeling though. Perhaps I should. I'm too old for this sort of behaviour.
So that has been my day. I haven't been as good as I have been but I have been a lot, lot worse. All in all an average day in the life of me. Does that sound strange?
Monday, July 04, 2005
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Time for Another Serious Post
I'm still feeling pretty good. I can hardly believe that my mood has stayed this good for several days in a row. I'm just not used to it. It's a good feeling, however I am still a little apprehensive about it. This may sound a little strange, but I don't know whether I can trust this feeling. Is it real? Will it stay?
In addition to feeling really quite decent, I have largely felt like myself over the past few days. I haven't felt like a weirdo in my own skin. I'm not used to that feeling either. Should I be apprehensive about this as well? It's hard not to be. Will it last? Do I want to be myself again?
Oh, a sense of emptiness just rushed through me. That would be right! I talk about how I have been going and something negative occurs, if only for a fleeting moment. It seems to be how this thing works.
Regardless of the doubts and fears, it would appear that the increase in my Lexapro dosage has worked some minor miracles. I'm loving those little white pills! I think I have been taking the 40mg dose for a couple of nights now. I hope my pdoc doesn't want to lower the dose again any time soon.
There is one thing that mystifies me about this increase in mood level ... the issue of self harm. It's kind of weird but ever since I have been feeling better, I have also experienced an increased desire to SH. Of course I have. It is far too tempting not to. Everything has been incredibly superficial though and there hasn't been a lot of it I suppose. It actually hurts nowadays.
My question is then, why when things are looking up, does one want to indulge in the old "razor play"? It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
In addition to feeling really quite decent, I have largely felt like myself over the past few days. I haven't felt like a weirdo in my own skin. I'm not used to that feeling either. Should I be apprehensive about this as well? It's hard not to be. Will it last? Do I want to be myself again?
Oh, a sense of emptiness just rushed through me. That would be right! I talk about how I have been going and something negative occurs, if only for a fleeting moment. It seems to be how this thing works.
Regardless of the doubts and fears, it would appear that the increase in my Lexapro dosage has worked some minor miracles. I'm loving those little white pills! I think I have been taking the 40mg dose for a couple of nights now. I hope my pdoc doesn't want to lower the dose again any time soon.
There is one thing that mystifies me about this increase in mood level ... the issue of self harm. It's kind of weird but ever since I have been feeling better, I have also experienced an increased desire to SH. Of course I have. It is far too tempting not to. Everything has been incredibly superficial though and there hasn't been a lot of it I suppose. It actually hurts nowadays.
My question is then, why when things are looking up, does one want to indulge in the old "razor play"? It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
The Pigs Have Flown!
The title of this post is in reference to a banner that was shown during Pink Floyd's performance at Live 8. From memory it said, "Pink Floyd Reunion ... The Pigs Have Flown".
First off, let me just say that I am too young to have ever seen Pink Floyd play live. The last time they played in Australia, I had just entered my adolescence. Talk about being born at the wrong time and in the wrong country! (Stupid ancestors for emigrating to Australia back in the 1800's
)
Now I can happily lie down and die because I can say that I have seen Pink Floyd play live. Woohoo! (Well, sort of anyway). I was lucky enough to catch the live webcast at AOL Music and then I caught the last half of the their performance on TV too.
Would you believe that my tape ran out when I was watching the web cast though? I didn't know about it until Pink Floyd had finished their set and I raced into the bedroom to catch the rest of their performance on Fox 8. Therefore I only taped the last couple of songs. What rotten luck! Hopefully a DVD will be released down the track or something. *cross fingers*
Anyway, I am so rambling here. I guess my whole point in writing this post is that I was actually moved by Pink Floyd's performance. To see Roger Waters on stage with the other band members was nothing short of magic. At the beginning of "Wish You Were Here" Roger Waters made a short speech on how touched he felt to be playing with the band again for such a cause. He also acknowledged that they were playing "Wish You Were Here" for Syd Barrett. How special is that?
Oh, London's web cast just finished. There goes a piece of history.
Imagine me being moved by a band's performance. Looks like I am getting some feelings, some emotions back. What's up with that?
First off, let me just say that I am too young to have ever seen Pink Floyd play live. The last time they played in Australia, I had just entered my adolescence. Talk about being born at the wrong time and in the wrong country! (Stupid ancestors for emigrating to Australia back in the 1800's
)Now I can happily lie down and die because I can say that I have seen Pink Floyd play live. Woohoo! (Well, sort of anyway). I was lucky enough to catch the live webcast at AOL Music and then I caught the last half of the their performance on TV too.
Would you believe that my tape ran out when I was watching the web cast though? I didn't know about it until Pink Floyd had finished their set and I raced into the bedroom to catch the rest of their performance on Fox 8. Therefore I only taped the last couple of songs. What rotten luck! Hopefully a DVD will be released down the track or something. *cross fingers*
Anyway, I am so rambling here. I guess my whole point in writing this post is that I was actually moved by Pink Floyd's performance. To see Roger Waters on stage with the other band members was nothing short of magic. At the beginning of "Wish You Were Here" Roger Waters made a short speech on how touched he felt to be playing with the band again for such a cause. He also acknowledged that they were playing "Wish You Were Here" for Syd Barrett. How special is that?
Oh, London's web cast just finished. There goes a piece of history.
Imagine me being moved by a band's performance. Looks like I am getting some feelings, some emotions back. What's up with that?
Saturday, July 02, 2005
Last Pink Floyd Fan to Know
I am sitting here nearly wetting myself with excitement. Okay, okay ... so that is a little bit of an exaggeration. 
What's with all the excitement? Well, I just found out that Pink Floyd is appearing in the UK's Live 8 concert. Even more exciting is that Roger Waters is appearing with Pink Floyd. How amazing is that! It is a Pink Floyd fan's dream! I never thought that they would play in concert again, let alone Roger Waters appearing once again with the band. Woohoo! I can barely sit still. What's going to happen next? Syd Barrett reappears from his exile? Now that would be grand.
Anyway, I know I must be the very last person in the entire world to have stumbled across this information on the Internet. I am the first to admit that I have no life and I live underneath a rock. It doesn't curb my shear glee though.
Here in Aussie land, the Live 8 concert is going to be telecast on the Fox 8 channel. It's also appearing on free to air TV tomorrow night, but I don't know how long that telecast is going to be. I have my video set to record on extended play. My meds are just going to have to wait a few more hours tonight. I'm ready. The telecast starts in a matter of minutes. Yippee!
What's with all the excitement? Well, I just found out that Pink Floyd is appearing in the UK's Live 8 concert. Even more exciting is that Roger Waters is appearing with Pink Floyd. How amazing is that! It is a Pink Floyd fan's dream! I never thought that they would play in concert again, let alone Roger Waters appearing once again with the band. Woohoo! I can barely sit still. What's going to happen next? Syd Barrett reappears from his exile? Now that would be grand.
Anyway, I know I must be the very last person in the entire world to have stumbled across this information on the Internet. I am the first to admit that I have no life and I live underneath a rock. It doesn't curb my shear glee though.
Here in Aussie land, the Live 8 concert is going to be telecast on the Fox 8 channel. It's also appearing on free to air TV tomorrow night, but I don't know how long that telecast is going to be. I have my video set to record on extended play. My meds are just going to have to wait a few more hours tonight. I'm ready. The telecast starts in a matter of minutes. Yippee!
Mourning Unkymoods
Today I feel ... like a light grey line??
I missing my unkymoods already and it's only been about 24 hours since the little graphic disappeared. (For the uninitiated, unkymoods is the little emotion graphic that usually appears over in my side bar). It appears that unkymoods is down. I can't open up its website either. *sob*
Come back unkymoods. I miss you!
I missing my unkymoods already and it's only been about 24 hours since the little graphic disappeared. (For the uninitiated, unkymoods is the little emotion graphic that usually appears over in my side bar). It appears that unkymoods is down. I can't open up its website either. *sob*
Come back unkymoods. I miss you!
Friday, July 01, 2005
Feeling Better
I'm happy to say that my general mood has been quite good today. I haven't felt depressed at all. In fact my mood has been pretty steady throughout the day. It certainly makes a nice change to how I have been feeling of late.
I've been back on 30mg of Lexapro a night now for a couple of nights, along with my usual Seroquel dose. I've been trying to take my meds before 9:00pm too. Previously I had just taken them whenever I felt like it, which in retrospect was probably the reason why my sleeping patterns were all stuffed up. Now, over the past couple of days I have been going to bed before midnight (what's with that??) and waking up at a decent hour in the morning. I feel a heap better for it too. I'll leave it another night before I increase my Lexapro to 40mg per night as per my pdoc's suggestion during my last appointment. If this better mood is related to the increased Lexapro dosage, I can't wait until I am on the 40mg dose. Is it safe to pin my hope for feeling better on an increase in medication? Gawd, I can only cross my fingers I guess.
The past couple of days haven't passed without incident though unfortunately. I fell off the SH wagon yesterday. Thankfully it was only in a very minor fashion, although I guess all of my SH attempts are only incredibly superficial anyway. I can't say that I am sorry for picking up my implement of choice. My sick, little mind has missed it (again, what's with that??). Hubby noticed the new marks tonight too, which was a little disappointing.
Oh damn! I just spilt my beer all over myself. Oops! LOL
Finally, I had to pop down to my local pharmacy again today to pick up the remainder of the script I filled yesterday. As I approached the attendant behind the counter, I started to feel pretty strange. I had to really concentrate on what I was saying to her to get the words out right. By the time I got in the car for my short drive home I was feeling quite panicky. I was extremely glad when I walked in the door to my house. Safe again.
Despite the mishaps over the past couple of days, I'm going to choose to hold tight to my increased mood level. Bring on more of those good moods!
I've been back on 30mg of Lexapro a night now for a couple of nights, along with my usual Seroquel dose. I've been trying to take my meds before 9:00pm too. Previously I had just taken them whenever I felt like it, which in retrospect was probably the reason why my sleeping patterns were all stuffed up. Now, over the past couple of days I have been going to bed before midnight (what's with that??) and waking up at a decent hour in the morning. I feel a heap better for it too. I'll leave it another night before I increase my Lexapro to 40mg per night as per my pdoc's suggestion during my last appointment. If this better mood is related to the increased Lexapro dosage, I can't wait until I am on the 40mg dose. Is it safe to pin my hope for feeling better on an increase in medication? Gawd, I can only cross my fingers I guess.
The past couple of days haven't passed without incident though unfortunately. I fell off the SH wagon yesterday. Thankfully it was only in a very minor fashion, although I guess all of my SH attempts are only incredibly superficial anyway. I can't say that I am sorry for picking up my implement of choice. My sick, little mind has missed it (again, what's with that??). Hubby noticed the new marks tonight too, which was a little disappointing.
Oh damn! I just spilt my beer all over myself. Oops! LOL
Finally, I had to pop down to my local pharmacy again today to pick up the remainder of the script I filled yesterday. As I approached the attendant behind the counter, I started to feel pretty strange. I had to really concentrate on what I was saying to her to get the words out right. By the time I got in the car for my short drive home I was feeling quite panicky. I was extremely glad when I walked in the door to my house. Safe again.
Despite the mishaps over the past couple of days, I'm going to choose to hold tight to my increased mood level. Bring on more of those good moods!
Another "What Is It With" & Psychic Hubbies
Just prior to 7:30 tonight, I popped down to the servo to pick up a few vital Friday night supplies (ciggies, coke and ice creams 
). The first thing I saw when I walked inside the servo was a pyjama wearing woman crouched over the ice cream freezer. Yes, she was actually wearing her PJ's out and about at 7:30 in the evening! Worse still, her jamies were the flannelette type with teddy bears all over them. OMG! Does it make me a snob if I consider that to be dressing a little too far down when out in public? I mean, what is it with that woman? I wouldn't be caught dead wearing my jamies out in public. So funny!
Anyway, it was my hubby's birthday today. He's now 36, the poor ole fart. The thing with his birthdays though, is that he always knows what gift I am going to give him before opens it. I can't work out if I am just really predictable, if he is some sort of latent psychic or if he is just a really good guesser. It drives me to distraction. I am so going to have to lift my game next year.
). The first thing I saw when I walked inside the servo was a pyjama wearing woman crouched over the ice cream freezer. Yes, she was actually wearing her PJ's out and about at 7:30 in the evening! Worse still, her jamies were the flannelette type with teddy bears all over them. OMG! Does it make me a snob if I consider that to be dressing a little too far down when out in public? I mean, what is it with that woman? I wouldn't be caught dead wearing my jamies out in public. So funny!Anyway, it was my hubby's birthday today. He's now 36, the poor ole fart.
The thing with his birthdays though, is that he always knows what gift I am going to give him before opens it. I can't work out if I am just really predictable, if he is some sort of latent psychic or if he is just a really good guesser. It drives me to distraction. I am so going to have to lift my game next year.
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