(Slightly) Crazy Darkness

New Blog Over There -->

2010-06-18T15:32:00.000+10:00

I've started a new blog, "Sometimes There Isn't a Name".

Still Around

2010-01-25T14:00:00.004+10:00

I can't believe that this blog is still here. It's been so many years since I last posted.

I'm still alive and (somewhat) kicking. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling with the dissociation and depression stuff, kinda big time actually since therapy stepped up a notch or two mid-September last year. I've been travelling into the "big smoke" to see the pdoc weekly and staying overnight in hospital. Just last week we started with two appointments per week: on the Wednesday, then the overnight stay in hospital and an appointment the following day. Don't know how that will work out in the long run. Just have to wait and see I guess. Every week seems to bring up the same crisis feelings though ... suicidal ideation, dissociation, intense hopelessness etc etc. Let's hope the old adage, "It has to get worse before it gets better," is true.

In amongst the whole head space crap, I'm going to try to loose some weight. Signed up with Weight Watchers online this morning after thinking about the weight issue for some weeks. I really don't know how successful I will be in the long run. Making bad health choices has been a mild form of self harm for me for years ... the whole if I smoke heaps and eat bad stuff, I will shorten my life considerably. So, I have all that stuff to fight against, but I'm going to give it a go anyway.

That's about it for the moment, my little blog. Write in you in another couple of years perhaps? Or maybe a week or two ... who knows.

Sleep, Dumb Sleep

2006-09-26T01:28:00.001+10:00

Scrap that last post. Sleep is good and all when you get it but it completely sucks when you have trouble getting to sleep.

I am so awake yet so extremely tired. Pure exhaustion is what I feeling but can I fall asleep? Noooooo!

What an absolute prick of a state to be in! I long for the release of sleep but it just isn't happening. Believe me, I've been trying for that elusive sleep. I've been in bed for hours but when I turn off the TV and cuddle up to my pillow that's as far as I get.

Worse still, I'm so tired I can't bring myself to do anything useful. My whole house is filthy but I don't have the energy to clean it. I can't even be bothered doing something that I would usually enjoy ... working on one of my websites for example.

Ugh!

Maybe I shouldn't complain too much. After last night's limited sleep and feeling incredibly dopey all morning, I did fall asleep in the afternoon. In fact, I slept for around three hours. I guess that is part of the reason I am still awake tonight but unfortunately it doesn't make me feel any better about the predicament I find myself in now.

I am really missing my crazy meds. At least while taking Seroquel I was guaranteed of a good night's sleep. I could drink as much coffee as I wanted in the evenings. I could do whatever I wanted before going to bed. With the help of the Seroquel I slept regardless.

And while I am busy complaining, what is with feeling just as crappy now I am off the pills as I felt when I was on them? That is so not friggin' fair! I still feel down almost constantly. I still can't get excited about life by any stretch of the imagination. I still ... *insert any number of things here*.

*Sigh*

Maybe all I need is to have something to sink my teeth into. If that is the case I can't wait until the TAFE holidays are over and my next term of study begins. Let's hope that is all it is.

Update: Okay, I relented. It's now 2:15am and I have just finished sawing one of my Seroquel tablets in half. Half a one is better than a full one, right? Anyway, it is down the hatch now so hopefully I will be getting some sleep in a hour or so. Thank goodness for that!

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

2006-09-25T08:26:00.001+10:00

Last night I actually slept without the aid of Seroquel. How about that! Okay, well, it was an incredibly short sleep (maybe four hours) but it was a good sleep … no tossing or turning at all. Oh, and yeah, I still feel tired this morning but ya get that. I guess there is just no pleasing me. *smiles*

I Want, I Want, I Want!

2006-09-23T12:34:00.001+10:00

I want my own domain! I want, I want, I want!!! * insert childlike foot stomping here *

For a few days now I have been mucking around with a WordPress blog over on my centralqueenslandcemeteries.com domain. (Yes, that's right ... I already have my own domain). I set up a new blog on a subdomain just for fun, found myself a cute little WordPress template (be stuffed if I can write my own ... that php stuff is just too much of a mystery to me), and even made a couple of posts.

The problem is that the subdomain thing just isn't working for me. To begin with adding a personal blog to the centralqueenslandcemeteries.com domain feels plain weird considering the type of stuff I write in my blog. It doesn't fit with the original website that sits on that domain. Additionally, half the time the blog doesn't load. Now that's a pain and a half when I want to write a post or just take a look at the cute little cartoon characters that appear on the template.

So ... I want, I want, I want!!!

Is it silly to pay for another domain (not that it's all that expensive * smiles *) just to plop a blog on it when blogger works perfectly fine? Mind you, I could always move my Central Queensland Cemeteries website over to the new domain and just let the centralqueenslandcemeteries.com domain lapse when it is due for renewal. That way I could have my website and my blog. I would just need to pick a good all-rounder type of domain name that suits both my blog and my website.

Mmmm ... choices, choices, choices.

I want, I want, I want!!!

Breathe Me

2006-09-21T17:05:00.000+10:00

During my travels around the Internet yesterday, I stumbled across a song which sums up how I have been feeling a lot over these past few weeks. The song is Breathe Me by Sia and the lyrics are as follows:

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

What a powerful little song! Over the past few weeks I have felt terribly alone, even if in reality I haven’t been. I’ve felt like I have lost myself. I felt like I was breaking apart. I have definitely felt unsafe.

Sometimes it is hard to express oneself. In it’s own way, coming across such a song helps to let it all out.

No Brainer

2006-09-16T18:50:00.000+10:00

GBF travelled up north for a conference this week. He took my camera with him and, as a result, arrived home with a bunch of photographs from his travels. Here's my favourite photo though. It's my new motto!

Something a Little More Lighthearted

2006-09-14T11:16:00.001+10:00

The following is stolen from the current issue of Australia's "That's Life" magazine (issue 38, September 20, 2006) and appears in the "Your Letters" section. It really is one of those Homer Simpson "D'oh!" moments. Kinda funny! *smiles*

My partner and I had to attend a ball but being heavily pregnant, I didn't want to spend a fortune on a new gown. So I rang around a few formal hire outlets to ask if they had maternity formal wear. A male voice at one particular establishment asked, "For women?"

Reminds me of a song ... "Folks are dumb where I come from ..." LOL

Some "Light" Reading and Way Too Many Thoughts

2006-09-14T09:58:00.000+10:00

"It is impossible to know who we are unless we can remember where we’ve come from (Middleton, 2005). We are defined by the journey that thus far has brought us to here. The more readily we can access the past that shaped us, the more that we can own and share with those we trust the feelings and vulnerabilities that have accrued from our life experience, then the more likely it is that we will be empathically receptive to others. The less we have 'no go' zones in terms of what has happened to us or the feelings associated with such events, the more likely it is that we will have assembled functional personal boundaries, affective stability, healthy self-esteem and be self-activated enough to aim high in the pursuit of love, work and play. The capacity to remember, and the capacity to process pain lie close together."
(Middleton, 2006. p.23)

Last night and this morning I have been doing some "light" reading (a whole 112 pages worth ... eek!). When I googled "dissociation and depression in the non-traumatized population" I stumbled across a paper, written by the Australian psychiatrist Warwick Middleton (whom I was actually "head shrinked" by when I stayed in a Brissie hospital for a few weeks a couple of years ago), entitled "Reconstructing the Past: Trauma, Memory and Therapy". It is actually a background paper to a seminar he held earlier this year representing an extension to the exploration of some themes covered in the paper: Middleton W, De Marni Cromer L, Freyd JJ (2005). Remembering the past, anticipating the future. Australasian Psychiatry,13:3, 223-233. My pdoc gave me a copy of that particular article a few months ago (which reminds me, I have to get the thing back to him) in order for me to gain a better understanding of dissociation which, unfortunately, it didn't. (Hello? Where's my traumatic background? Did I traumatise myself by overdosing or something? Why does everything I read have to be related to trauma? It doesn't make any sense for my situation. There has got to be something out there that I can relate to ... surely).

Anyway, why am I quoting the above text? In a sick, perverted way I almost wish that I did have some sort of past trauma to contend with (my apologies to anyone who has lived through the hell of an abusive situation). If that were the case then it would give some meaning or reason to the way that I am now. Depressed ... yep. Dissociative ... I don't know. Traumatised ... nope. It just doesn't make sense.

"The less we have 'no go' zones in terms of what has happened to us or the feelings associated with such events, the more likely it is that we will have assembled functional personal boundaries, affective stability, healthy self-esteem and be self-activated enough to aim high in the pursuit of love, work and play."

Yes please! I wish I felt stable. I wish I had a healthy self-esteem. I wish I was self-activated (actualized ?) enough to aim high in the pursuit of love, work and play. Sounds great, doesn't it? These things sound like the ingredients to a happy, healthy and productive life.

Instead I am sitting here wondering why the hell I am so useless, thinking that Hubby would be much better off with someone else besides me in his life, and wondering why I have been reacting so negatively (especially in relation to my pdoc's therapeutic endeavours ... medication and otherwise) over these past couple of weeks.

The scary thing is that there is no causal relationship with anything for me. I am the way I am. The old argument of nature vs nurture (did I do too many psych 101 classes or what!) appears to tip significantly to the side of nature in my case and I don't like that. It means that I am a flawed individual who just needs to pull herself up by the boot straps, stop whinging and whining and get on with life. Mmmm!

Anyway, I have been thinking way, way too much since my last pdoc appointment. I have today and tomorrow in which to finish my TAFE work for the term otherwise I will fail. There is no doubt about it, I need to spend today finishing off the last of my TAFE work. Anyone got the recipe to turning off the wandering mind and focusing on what has to be done?

Phase Three But Close To Failure

2006-09-13T14:49:00.000+10:00

Well, I've still been following my little "decreasing my medications to nothing" plan but it is becoming harder and harder to keep a hold of my resolve to do so. It's been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. I'm either experiencing the lowest of lows or almost dancing around the house making up silly little songs to sing over and over again. In short, I feel like I am losing control of me.

Despite the glaringly obvious disadvantages (which I have been writing almost constantly about in my long-hand, offline journal ... stuff which is just way too dark and rambling to publish here), there are advantages to not taking as much medication.

Yikes! What are they now? I've forgotten them in the time that it took me to write the preceding sentence. Geez! Okay ... try to get back on track here.

The advantages:

regaining the ability to cry
the up periods, despite being somewhat of a mixed state, can almost be described as wonderful
despite the pain, feeling, even the negative emotions, seems like it might be more normal than the constant and unreal suppression of feelings and emotions due to taking medication.
I seem to be dreaming far more regularly

Then there is the hope that if I can manage to withstand the roller coaster ride of "withdrawing" from my medication dependence, then I might just find "me" again, that the depression will somehow just magically fall by the wayside and maybe this nightmare will simply vanish into thin air.

As an aside, I rang up the local public adult mental health service a short while ago, primarily to ask them if they knew of any other private psychiatrists in the region. Apparently my pdoc is the only one. I suspected that to be the case though.

The woman who answered the phone was very docile to say the least. I had to tell her several times that I was already a patient of my pdoc's. It was like, "Hello! I'm not just a person who is ringing up your service to get an appointment with your pdoc for the hell of it! In fact, I'm not even ringing up to get an appointment with your pdoc at all for goodness sake." In amongst all her rambling about either needing to get a doctor's referral or having to go through the service's ACT (Acute Care Team, I think) which apparently is a long and drawn out process (who the hell cares ... I'm not trying to get an appointment, remember!), she mumbles something about there not being another private psychiatrist in the region. Yay! Access to the tiny bit of information that I was actually after, albeit almost hidden in amongst her verbal diarrhoea. *Sigh* And they wonder why people just give up.

Anyway, enough of that aside.

So yeah ... I guess my point is that I am not so sure about going off the medication any more. It's been a hard thing to do. I don't know how much longer I can keep it up. I was kind of hoping to show my pdoc what I was like sans medication. After all, he has never seen me off medication. I don't think I will be able to hold out until our next appointment though.

I'm still mystified about this therapy business too. It would appear that my pdoc does not know how to deal with my silences during therapy appointments. He is unable to draw me out and get me speaking. Believe me, I have tried to do this on my own, but I can't do it either. I don't know if the goal of therapy is to discover why life sucks so much for me, but I'm certainly unaware of the pdoc and I discovering any of my issues, why I feel this way almost constantly ... yadda yadda yadda. Consequently, I am still depressed. I still would, quite frankly, rather be dead than having to live this so called life of mine for however long I have left to walk on this godforsaken earth.

I don't know. Maybe I should just forget the whole thing. Screw the medication. It doesn't work. Screw the pdoc and his therapy. It hasn't worked either. I don't have a real psychiatric illness anyway, so maybe I just need to get over myself, stop thinking that there will be a moment when suddenly I will understand why I live with constant depressive feelings and that by knowing this, that the depression will go away forever. It's never going to happen. There must be millions of other people who live with depressive feelings every day of their lives, but they have learnt to cope, that it is not an issue anymore for them and that they actually contribute to this world instead of hiding out in their lounge room in front of their computer doing nothing like I do.

*Sigh* Get over it, K. Your mother was right when she called you pathetic. I'm a pathetic, spoilt little bitch that just needs to get a freakin' life no matter how much I don't want one.

I'll regret this post later. In fact, I think I will regret the whole blog. I should rename it to, "The Pathetic Little Immature Bitch's Constant Whinging That Nobody Deserves To Have To Be Subjected To".

Bloody Hell! Who's Next?

2006-09-08T15:57:00.000+10:00

First it was Steve Irwin and now Peter Brock. Shit! How many more Aussie icons have to pass away this week?

I've just heard on the news that Peter Brock, an Australian champion racing car driver, was killed in a racing accident while competing in Western Australia's "Targa West" rally. Apparently the accident occured around 1:50pm AEST today.

I'm in shock! I grew up watching Brockie race around Brisbane's Lakeside Raceway. Dad used to take my brother and I to watch every race when the touring cars rolled into town. I was even lucky enough to be present at Lakeside in 1997 when Brockie farewelled full-time racing.

At least he died doing what he loved, I suppose. R.I.P. Brockie! You were my icon!

Phase Two Started

2006-09-07T09:15:00.001+10:00

Well, I have to say that these past few days have been absolute hell. My general mood has been really low and I've been thinking about harming myself ... not just the usual benign self harm either, but thoughts of overdosing again. It is only because of Hubby that I have stopped myself. I am reluctant to put him through it again. It wouldn't be fair. At least, by thinking of his side of things, I must still have some logical thought swarming around in my head somewhere.

Dispersed within the low mood have been moments of feeling completely out of it, like I'm stoned or something (dissociation?) and even moments of a sort of fake elevated mood where all I can do is giggle. I must admit that I kind of liked the fake elevated mood. It's nice to have a bit of a giggle about anything and everything. Feeling a little out of control during these times is the downside though. As for the stoned feeling, well, I am used to that.

Another notable thing that has been happening is I am crying. Who would have thought, hey. I am actually able to cry again. It's been so long since I have been able to release my emotions in this way. The medications that I have been taking have definitely blocked that ability. It sucks feeling so distraught and hopeless that I have been crying, but it is nice to be able to do it again.

Despite the rollercoaster, I've decided to persist with the decreasing of my medications plan and ultimately becoming medication free by my next appointment with my psychiatrist. If he has given up on me, then I am within my rights to give up on his medication, right? (I realise that's probably faulty thinking, but hey, I can't be completely logical ... it's not my style).

Perhaps something that has renewed my determination to stick to the decreasing of my medications plan is I woke up this morning feeling, well, alive. The world seemed real for the first time in a long, long time. The sun was bright and there were little things happening all around me like birds chirping and the like. I even feel like I have enough energy and motivation to finish off my TAFE assignments today. Cool, huh. Let's hope this feeling continues and I don't crash later on in the day. I have my fingers crossed.

Its a Strange One

2006-09-04T20:19:00.000+10:00

Today has turned out to be one heck of a strange day. This morning I woke up just after 6:30 to my husky alarm clock. I spent the morning on the computer, primarily compiling an alphabetical list of names for my Central Queensland Cemeteries website. It was a hard slog though, so I didn't get much done. Even during the morning I felt a little tired and unmotivated.

The afternoon saw me watching a little television, snoozing on the couch for a spell and spending a little more time aimlessly wandering around the Internet. The tiredness definitely had a grip on me by the afternoon and even though I really needed to get stuck into my last TAFE assignment for the term, I just didn't have the motivation to even begin work on it, let alone focus on it for any length of time. It almost goes without saying that I didn't have the drive or energy to get off my butt and cook a meal for Hubby's crib tonight. Thank goodness for takeaway, even if it does cost a fortune.

Tonight is just plain weird. I've gone beyond the tiredness I think yet I can't bring myself to do anything. I tried cleaning up the kitchen, but I only got half way through clearing the clean dishes from the dishwasher before I stumbled back to the couch. I feel strange too. The weather is hot and sticky. I feel like lead. I'm as sluggish as a sloth. My mind is devoid of thought. I am totally not with it. I could barely converse with GBF when he was trying to talk to me earlier. It was just too strange trying to keep up with what he was saying.

So, is the decrease in medication finally catching up with me? Damn, its hard to tell. I have the potential to feel as off as I do now any old time I guess.

I'm still a bit concerned about going off the medication like I planned to do. The medication feels like my crutch and I am scared of loosing it. I just have to keep focused on the end result I am trying to achieve.

Karaoke Murri Style

2006-09-03T03:56:00.001+10:00

Tonight saw NAIDOC week's final event, "Murrioke", a night of singing and drunken revelry. Although only a small crowd was in attendance, it was a spirited group which was ready to party. Consequently, I would say that a good night was had by all.

I must admit though, that when it comes to karaoke and singing in front of a crowd, I am a huge piker. There is no way anybody would be able to get me up to that microphone and I managed to give it a wide berth tonight too, thank goodness. My dubious singing voice is better left to the confines of the shower.

Although it was a good night and I was surrounded by a bunch of wonderful people, I can't say that I actually enjoyed myself. I don't know what is wrong with me. I tend to feel lost and inadequate in a crowd. My inability to loosen up and just enjoy myself is incredibly frustrating. I think I need to bash my head up against a brick wall several times and just get over myself or something. Grrr at me!

Don't get me wrong though. Tonight certainly didn't suck by any stretch of the imagination. I'm starting to get to know these people quite well and I truly admire them and they are a joy to be around. I think I am just firmly entrenched in my non-feeling, non-emotional state at the moment, hence the ambivalence.

First Day Went Okay

2006-09-01T21:36:00.001+10:00

I went ahead with the decrease in my medications as I outlined in yesterday's posts. So far so good too. I don't feel any difference whatsoever, so that has got to be a good thing.

I am feeling really tired though. Mind you, I have been feeling tired and unmotivated for about a week now which is kind of annoying, but I suppose that will pass. At least I hope it will. I would really like to finish up this term's TAFE work by the end of next week, so it would be nice to get some energy and motivation back. By doing so I will have an extra week up my sleeve until the end of the term just in case I need to take another look at any of my assignments.

Despite the tiredness and lack of motivation, I attended my town's NAIDOC (National Aboriginal and Islander Day of Celebration) celebrations today. I got to admit that I turned up really, really late though. I didn't wake up until after 10:00 this morning, the time when the celebrations were scheduled to kick off. Bugger! Waking up so late and taking so long to drag myself away from the computer and my cup of coffee and cigarettes made me miss all the speeches and stuff. I did get to see the dancing though, which was cool.

On the way home from the NAIDOC celebrations I had an urge to stop by the nursery to see if there were any nice plants to put in my new(ish) garden. I ended up buying some very cute little begonias. I'm not usually into little flowering plants, but these begonias had the coolest little waxy leaves. I ended up planting a whole heap of them around the edge of the garden, so once they grow a little and flower some more they should make a colourful garden edging.

Speaking of buying new plants, I bought this fantastic Kangaroo Paw plant yesterday. It is absolutely gorgeous and will make a wonderful addition to my front garden. I'm going to have to plant it tomorrow while the soil is moist from the rain we've had over the past night or so.

Actually, it is kind of funny me writing about plants. Who would have thought that I would get interested in gardening. Now that is a shock! I sound like an old nanna sitting here talking up my gardens and new plants. How scary is that! I must be getting old or something.

Anyway, that is enough from the rambling old nanna tonight. *smiles*

More on the Medication

2006-08-31T12:23:00.001+10:00

Continuing on from my previous post regarding going cold turkey on my medications, I must admit that I am feeling rather dependent on them and I am more than a little apprehensive about quitting them altogether. I wonder if it is an intelligent thing to do considering last time I tried to decrease my medications (that time with my pdoc's approval and support), I went down hill. I am determined to find out what I would be like sans medication though. Consequently, instead of just going cold turkey, perhaps it would be better just to slowly decrease them over a few weeks. I wouldn't go through any major withdrawal symptoms then.

I've sat down and written up a short "decreasing the medications schedule" which I will adhere to over the next few weeks.

Current medications:

300mg Seroquel
40mg Lexapro
100mg Solian

Decreasing the medications schedule:

Week 1:

200mg Seroquel (2 tablets)
30mg Lexapro (1½ tablets)
50mg Solian (½ tablets)

Week 2:

100mg Seroquel (1 tablet)
20mg Lexapro (1 tablet)
Nil Solian

Week 3:

50mg Seroquel (½ tablet)
10mg Lexapro (½ tablet)
Nil Solian

Week 4:

Medication free!!!

I think the above schedule is reasonable and as responsible as it can be given that my pdoc doesn't know anything about my intentions.

So, tonight is the night! I'm going to start decreasing my medications as of tonight. By my next pdoc appointment I will be medication free and hopefully feeling more like my old self. Then I can tell my pdoc what I have done. Wish me luck!

Frequency Changes Have Me F**ked

2006-08-31T10:25:00.000+10:00

Here's the deal. During yesterday's appointment my pdoc suggested that we give the weekly appointments the flick and start on monthly appointments instead. The reason why? We have been going nowhere during our therapy appointments apparently since my last hospitalisation. I have apparently shut myself off to therapy. The pdoc is frustrated.

I cannot even begin to describe the thoughts that have been going through my head. One incredibly strong one is to go cold turkey on all my medications. I realise that it is going to be difficult initially, but there really is no point to taking them. Its not like I have a real psychiatric illness like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

Aside from having a major death wish at the moment, I want to be myself again. I want to have a sense of self. I want to feel again, regardless of whether those feelings are toxic or euphoric. I want to be able to remember things properly. I'm not going to achieve these things through medication. I wonder if it was through the medication that I lost them. Before medication I had emotions and feelings. I used to be able to cry to let my feelings out. I never self harmed (apart from a couple, incredibly superficial times here and there when I was a kid). I don't remember ever dissociating. So what is the point of continuing on with the medication if it, in fact, has made things worse.

The cessation of weekly appointments has also confirmed my thoughts about therapy. It doesn't work. There will be no time when, all of a sudden, I will realise that life is worth living. There will be no cathartic moment. Therapy doesn't change a thing. The underlying sadness that I have lived with all my life is not going to go away. I only have two choices. Get used to that fact and just live with it or do something drastic to make everything go away. To be honest, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can live like this for another 40 years until I finally snuff out due to old age.

So where does all this leave me? I'm probably overreacting. People become used to therapy and the (dubious) hidden support received through it, right? Maybe I am only reacting like many other people would when faced with the same situation. It doesn't make it right though. Overreacting like this is f**ked. Therapy doesn't work, so what is my problem?

I'll tell you what the problem is. Deep down, somewhere inside of me I held out hope. I wanted therapy to work. I wanted that moment of realisation that life could indeed be worth living. Facing up to the realisation that I will never have that moment is devastating. What the hell do I do now?

Thinking in Photoshop

2006-08-25T10:21:00.000+10:00

The Great Gazebo Construction

2006-08-17T20:38:00.001+10:00

Step one: The instructions! This has got to be easy!

Step two: How do these fit together?

Step three: Three sides up! Only one to go! Woohoo!

Step four: Mmmm ... I think that goes there.

Step five: The furries lend their support ... err ... play.

Step six: Starting on the roof.

Step seven: Continuing with the roof ... how the heck does that go on there?!?

Step eight: Success!!!

Step nine: The aftermath!

I Was a Little Bit Naughty

2006-08-17T19:38:00.001+10:00

First of all I've got to say ... two posts in one day ... wow! What is the world coming to? But now onto the real reason for this post.

I was a little naughty the other day. I gave up on the census work I'd been doing over the past few weeks. I guess giving up on it was always on the cards. I mean, it did drive me absolutely crazy and completely stuffed me physically.

I had a real reason for quitting though. Pain! For years now, I've gotten this funky pain in my leg when I walk for any distance. It didn't bother me too much when I was delivering the census forms, but collecting them was a whole different story. My leg hurt like hell! Worse still, at the same time it somehow became numb as well. I guess when collecting forms I tended to walk faster than when delivering them. The whole process was just a little bit quicker, hence the pain blowing out of proportion.

I struggled on with collecting forms for a couple of days, but when my area supervisor dropped in for a visit to see how I was going, I told her exactly what was happening and quit the job. Luckily, she responded to my news without emotion, so I didn't really feel all that guilty about quitting with only the collection period to go.

I'm actually a little surprised with myself. I would have thought that I would feel bad about quitting the job, but in reality I don't. I have actually enjoyed (if that is the right word to use) catching up with a few little things around the house, like laundry, washing the dog and watering the garden and such. I have also completed a TAFE assignment and created a poster for GBF to help him out with his work. Its good having my time to myself again and being able to work on stuff that I actually want to do.

It is good to have an alright sort of a day.

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

2006-08-17T08:31:00.000+10:00

Now that summer is drawing near and the sun is rising a little earlier in the morning, my husky is waking me up an hour or so earlier than what was the norm during the winter months. Despite that being a bit of an adjustment to handle, this morning it helped me to remember a dream that I must have been having when the dog acted as my own personal furry alarm clock. So, without further ado, here is my dream as I remember it.

I had been admitted into a hospital which closely resembled the hospital that I have been in a few times now. In reality, psych patients generally get a private room, but in the dream I was sharing with a woman who was probably in her late 40's. For some bizarre reason, a group of wasps were building a huge, intricate nest over my room mate's bed. She didn't seem to notice or care about the nest's presence, but eventually I decided that I couldn't sleep in a room that harboured a huge wasps' nest.

The pest exterminators were called and the nest was eradicated. I remember another patient commenting on how she noticed, when the nest was being removed, that it was filled with some sort of fatty, sludgy substance. Yuck!

Upon removal however, a small number of wasps were left behind. I lay on my bed watching them scurry about on the roof, collecting the remaining vestiges of the nest and setting about building a new nest.

When I awoke the next morning, the wasps had managed to rebuild a surprisingly large amount of nest, this time on the roof above my bed. In its own way, it was just as intricate and beautiful as the original nest.

It was the final straw for me, however. I couldn't stay in the room any longer with the wasps busily buzzing around their nearly constructed nest, making their final touches on their construction. I headed outside to have a cigarette or five.

Outside there were quite a number of people milling about in small groups, chatting or smoking. I wanted to be alone, so I wandered off a little and found a seat which sat some way away from all the other people. After sitting down, two men approached the back of my seat. I turned towards them and basically told them to go away, which thankfully they did.

After a short time I re-entered the hospital building and made my way down the corridor to my room, except during my short walk down the corridor I completely forgot which room number I was staying in. I passed my room mate and asked her which room was ours. She indicated that it was room 1, but as we both entered the room, I realised that it didn't look like the correct one. At that stage, she mentioned how she didn't like sharing with other people, to which I agreed. We then agreed that we were in the wrong room, exited it and set about finding the proper room.

And that was the end of the dream as I remember it.

Updating

2006-08-10T16:29:00.000+10:00

Quick! It's time for an update. Hubby is sleeping in the bedroom. GBF isn't home from work yet. I'm taking a break from my census work today. As a consequence I actually have some time to myself in front of the computer. Yippee!

The good news is that I finished delivering all my census forms late Tuesday afternoon. Thank goodness for that. We were supposed to have finished delivering forms by Monday evening. Oh well. Better late than never I guess. The whole exercise had left me physically exhausted and ready to chuck the whole job in.

The bad news is that census night (the 8th of August) is over and it is time to wander the streets again to collect all the forms I previously delivered. Yuck! The merry-go-round starts spinning again! There's nothing left apart from gritting my teeth and getting out there I guess. I'll start tomorrow though. I think I deserve a day at home today.

When I have finished with this whole census thing at least my butt will have gotten tighter, what with all the walking and all. Go the tighter butt, I say. Additionally, I am now sporting a new tan from all the time I have been spending out in our surprisingly strong winter sun. There's got to be a couple of good things about being a census collector.

I attended my first pdoc appointment in a month yesterday. The pdoc was ill for a couple of weeks and I cancelled last week due to being too busy with my census work, so the weekly appointments didn't exactly turn out to be weekly by any stretch of the imagination. I don't know if I really have anything to comment on from yesterday's appointment. I didn't re-read my journal before attending the appointment so I had a hard time remembering what on earth had occurred during the previous month when the pdoc was referring to what I had written. Woops! Silly me! Note to self ... remember to re-read my journal entries before attending an appointment. I'm sure that would help the appointment to flow a little easier.

During yesterday's appointment the pdoc suggested that I get the old burns on my leg looked at. Apparently they looked a little suspect. This morning I set about trying to get into one of the local doctors. I tell you, trying to get into see a doctor in this little town of mine can be an incredibly difficult thing to do. My usual GP was off attending to some sort of family crisis (eek ... poor bugger!) and the community health centre was booked out because of it. The other doctor in town I would have to be dying to bother making an appointment. The one and only time I saw the man for a mine medical he was just plain rude. Anyway, I eventually made my way to the local hospital (I guess we are lucky to have one of those) and, after a bit of a run around, saw the doctor there. I'm now on another round of antibiotics (I'm the antibiotic queen lately, I swear) to prevent infection and I have to keep the wounds covered for another five days. Good grief! What a pain! I guess there is a bad side to self harm no matter how much better it makes you feel at the time.

Anyway, that's all my news for now.

Pounding the Pavement

2006-07-29T20:43:00.000+10:00

Today saw my second day out pounding the pavement delivering census forms. I managed to deliver a whole 28 forms in around 2½ hours. Gawd, it's slow going!

After returning home from delivering, I sat down to work out just how many hours I will have to put in over the nine days that are left to deliver all the forms. It worked out, with an average of nine forms delivered per hour, to be 6 hours a day. Eek! How full on is that! I'm going to be busy, that's for sure and I've got to say, I am dreading it. Yuck!

The good news is that today wasn't as horrendous as yesterday. Things seemed to flow a little better and because I didn't leave the house to start delivering until 3:00pm, it wasn't as hot as yesterday when I delivered during what was essentially the middle of the day.

It looks like I will have to do a "split shift" when it comes to delivering the forms. I will have to go out for a couple of hours or so in the mornings, then return to the streets for a few hours in the afternoon. Hopefully, with quite a bit of pushing myself, I can get all of the forms delivered by the cut off date, which is Monday, 7 August.

At least now I know NOT to apply for a census collector's position next time around. Wish me luck!

Above photograph courtesy of stock.xchng.

Ouch! My Feet Hurt!

2006-07-28T18:42:00.000+10:00

What on earth was I thinking? My feet hurt, my leg hurts (grrr ... I think the burns are infected), I'm dehydrated and I'm exhausted!

Today was my first day out delivering the 2006 census forms. After organising 100 forms last night thinking that I would easily be able to deliver that amount, I only delivered 24 today! The worst of it is that delivering those 24 took 2 hours! Ugh! This census stuff is going to be hard work. I've got just over a week to deliver what must be at least 500 forms. Eek!

What possessed me to say yes when I was offered a collector's position, I'll never know. It must have been a momentary lapse of reason, that or I had no idea it was going to take so long. I can only put my head down and bum up and work my guts out for the next week or so to get everything done on time. Help!

I've Been Hiding Something

2006-07-22T20:45:00.000+10:00

Don't quote me on this one, but a few short weeks ago my pdoc off-handedly mentioned that I feel anger rather intensely and frequently (or something along those lines). At the time I remember thinking, "Great, I probably have a personality disorder or something on top of everything else. Gee, aren't I lucky!" Tonight, as I sit here burning again, I've got to wonder if the pdoc had something there (about feeling emotions "abnormally", not the personality disorder thing).

I've not long arrived home from an incredibly short social gathering, a free BBQ and public event organised by GBF as a part of his work. GBF had invited both Hubby and I, but only I went as Hubby did not want to go. Hubby whinged that I had not given him enough time to get ready and that he did not want to go out because "people sucked".

I couldn't stay any length of time at the social gathering. I felt really disappointed that Hubby had chosen not to attend. It felt like he and I never did anything together. I felt lonely in amongst the small crowd. I wandered off a little to have a cigarette and all that I could think about was how sad I felt, how much I felt like escaping and how much I felt like burning.

Anyway, the thing that I have been hiding from my blog through writing the type of posts I have lately is that I still feel like crap. I feel lost. I feel like nothing has changed since I was an adolescent. I'm still as lonely and still as non-worthy as I was then. I'm afraid that I have taken on too much with both the study and the job. I'm afraid that I will fall apart under the pressure and fail. I'm afraid that I will get overly stressed because Hubby is now on holidays for a month and he seems to constantly "joke" about how hungry he is (and that it is my responsibility to fix something for him to eat). His offhand comments on how he had managed to keep the kitchen clean when I was in hospital and how it is dirty again now I am responsible for cleaning it and further comments on what I should do over the coming days/week, grate tremendously on me. I feel like exploding, like kicking and screaming like a small child in the middle of a tantrum. Yet, it is impossible for me to get rid of these feelings without burning and without acting like a complete cranky bitch when Hubby approaches me.

Ugh! Tell me again how life is worth living.

Above photograph courtesy of stock.xchng.

Back to It

2006-07-15T23:54:00.000+10:00

Today I re-entered the world of being a full-time student.

I haven't done any work on my TAFE certificate since I was admitted into hospital in early June. Thankfully, I subsequently received an extension for last term's work (the stuff that I didn't quite finish) up until the end of this current term. Today I decided to get a wriggle on and start studying for this term which officially started last Tuesday, but hey, better late than never.

I should have a relatively easy time with my TAFE study this term. Since I completed about half of my workload last term, I only have to work on three more modules to finish everything off by the end of term on 22 September. If I continue to steadily work on the remaining modules, I should have everything well and truly finalised by the cut off date. Better yet, I shouldn't have to rush so I can spend more time on getting things just how I like them. Cool!

Me? Employed? Eek!

2006-07-13T16:39:00.000+10:00

Call me insane (oh, hang on ... I am! *smiles*) but I have joined the ranks of the employed again. I don't know what I was thinking considering the whole working thing and me hasn't been a happening thing over the past couple of years, but a couple of months ago I applied for a position as Census Collector for this year's nation-wide census. Last week, the Area Supervisor rang me and offered me a position. Yikes! I mean, yay! Eek! Whatever. I can't be certain.

So, as of next Friday I am officially employed again. A collector's position seems to be a hell of a lot of work for only a smallish financial gain but I guess it is money I wouldn't have otherwise. The whole census concept is somewhat interesting too ... being counted so the area in which you live has a chance of receiving necessary services ... the time capsule option where the information is archived for years and years and years, only to be opened up to family researchers and the like in the distant future. Then there is the personal challenge aspect of the job. If I am successful with it then perhaps I am not as useless as I think. It has the potential to be all good. *Cross fingers*

Anyway, bring on the census I say. If all else fails at least I will be a little fitter with all the walking door to door dropping census forms off to people.

I'm a Suburbanite!

2006-07-08T18:42:00.000+10:00

I've joined the ranks of the average suburbanite. I now have an outdoor sitting area. Go me!

I've wanted one forever. Well, I wanted a pergola area forever, but that wasn't going to happen so I splurged on my little outdoor sitting area instead.

It's even got one of those green outdoor umbrellas which towers over my little two seater timber table and chairs set. It's so cool though. I bought a couple of really cool plants (see piccie to the left) and a peace inspiring Thai style Buddha statuette which is very similar in colour to my new plants.

I'm so happy. I've been sitting out there having cup after cup of coffee and cigarette after cigarette. It's so peaceful out there.

Now I just have buy more plants so I can make a little garden around it. I also have to buy a really groovy candle holder and candle too for night time sittings. I'm definitely going to visit Loot on my travels into the semi-big smoke on Wednesday. Loot is the best store for really cool little niknaks.

Anyway, I'm so happy! My gardens are almost complete. Now if I can just get Hubby to remove all his old crap in the backyard ...

Busy Busy Busy!

2006-06-26T14:43:00.000+10:00

Now that I (hopefully) have an extension for last term's TAFE work due to my hospital stay, I have quite a bit of spare time on my hands at the moment. To keep busy, I have been creating a website for Hubby which I promised him some time ago. I've been ultra focused on building the site too. Apart from the odd commitment I've had to fulfill, I have been working non-stop on the site, so much so I think my eyes are turning the shape of my computer's monitor! Mmmm ... maybe I should put my contact lens in or something. *smiles*

Although just a simple table layout, the website seems to be coming along nicely. There is still a huge amount of work to be done on it though. Hubby wants the site to have quite a few pages ... six so far, as well as a forum. He seems to be overly keen on the site sporting a whole lot of graphics too. I feel sorry for anyone trying to open the page on a dial-up connection. They haven't got a hope in Hades! Hubby doesn't like to do things by halves, that's for sure.

Apart from building the website, I have done the social outing thing a couple of times and even tried to attend a regional museums' conference over the weekend. It's a long story, but suffice to say crowds of people and me just don't get along. *mumbles something about being too disso-y and panicky ... grrr*

The Stuff You eBay

2006-06-21T20:35:00.000+10:00

It's official! I'm a sucker for eBay, especially when there are dog breed products involved. Below is an Australian Shepherd fridge magnet that I will be the proud owner of within the week.

And here is another purchase which I am considering ... a Siberian Husky garden sign.

Cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute!!!!!!!!

No prizes for guessing the breeds of my furry kids. *smiles*

Dreaming: Night Time Mind Movies

2006-06-20T10:09:00.000+10:00

Dreaming is such a bizarre concept. It's like we are our own little movie directors, every night weaving together a story out of our subconscious.

Even more strange are the dreams which aren't entirely remembered. These dreams are largely forgotten as soon as we open our eyes, but all it takes is just a whisper within a morning conversation for the fragments to return to conscious memory.

That is what happened to me this morning. Upon waking I was aware that I had dreamt last night, but it wasn't until I was talking with GBF over my first cup of coffee for the day that the penny dropped and I remembered a part of last night's dream.

It was night time. I was visiting a family that I didn't really know. The family was, however, relatives of Heather, my boss from last year. The mother, one of her children and I were sitting in the family's kitchen. As the mother and I chatted, the child saw a face appear in a nearby window. The face belonged to the child's father, who was a violent man and no longer lived with the family. In fear, the mother told the child to leave the kitchen and go hide in another section of the house. Once the child had fled, the father broke through the fly screened window with an ax and entered the house.

From there, the details of the dream become sketchy, however I believe that the father attacked the mother with the ax. The spirit of the family's grandmother then entered the dream. She was incensed. I could feel the spirit's ominous presence however I knew that I was safe from her wrath. It was the violent father whom the spirit wanted to kill.

That's all that I remember. What a bugger! It was certainly an "entertaining" dream to say the least. I hope the spirit was able to exact her revenge on the murderous father.

Self Harm and Emotions

2006-06-19T01:06:00.000+10:00

Self harm ... why do we do it?

During my recent hospital stay, I self harmed quite regularly, in fact at least once every day. It wasn't until one of the nurses decided to dress my arms that I largely stopped. By covering up my "canvas" with dressings, I found it difficult to quench my self harming desires/needs.

My poison, so to speak, is burning. I find burning particularly effective because it seems to provide the release I apparently seek. When I am in the "zone", the pain feels incredibly good. Cutting doesn't do it for me. I can't cut deep enough and it generally doesn't give me the same sensation as the burning does.

So why a post on self harm? Because I engaged in a little earlier on in the evening and I have, for once, a strong awareness of why I had to do it.

I was just beginning to cook dinner. When I reached into the pantry to pull out a packet of pasta, I discovered that the packet on which I laid my hands had been previously opened and no attempt had been made to secure it shut again. Consequently, as I lifted the packet out of the pantry pasta spilled out everywhere. It made my blood boil. I stomped down the hallway to the computer room where my husband was and accused him of being careless etc.

Then I got to thinking. Boy had I overreacted. It was only a little bit of spilt, dry pasta for goodness sake and I had just about lopped my husband's head off because of it. Good grief! Anger is okay if justified and dealt with appropriately, but my little spat was completely over the top.

So, as I finished my cooking I continued to mull over what I had done. By the time I finally slid the casserole dish into the pre-heated oven, I was desperate to SH. After all, I had dealt with a situation inappropriately and allowed myself to feel anger far too intensely.

Sometimes it can be hard to understand self harm. Sometimes I do it to calm down. Sometimes I do it to come back to the real world. Sometimes I do it to escape from the real world into the fake one. Other times I seem to just do it for the hell of it. A lot of the time, I have no concrete knowledge of why I allow myself to indulge in it. In an odd way, it is good to finally exactly know why I SH'ed tonight.

Home and Changes

2006-06-18T10:24:00.000+10:00

Well, I'm home from hospital. Actually I've been home for a few days. I left hospital around lunch time on Thursday and arrived home that evening.

Thanks to everyone who left comments on my last post. It's great to know that there are people out there in blog land who care and have been in similar situations, even more so since I have been so slack with blogging of late. You guys rock!

After an increase of meds that helped lessen my constantly "stoned" feeling, I found hospital to be incredibly relaxing. Meals brought to your room, nothing to do except watch TV, read a book or sit outside smoking cigarettes watching the birds flutter around the garden ... it was great! Towards the end of my stay, despite the remaining underlying feeling of sadness, I definitely felt more calm and together.

Unfortunately, just after leaving hospital, my stress levels climbed dramatically. Gawd knows why. I don't have much to be stressed about in my daily life. I guess some things don't make a lot of sense. Mind you, being home and feeling like I should be keeping busy with "wifely duties" and a husband that seems to enjoy reminding me of that fact regularly does tend to make me feel pretty inadequate. Oh well. You get that, hey.

I haven't been completely idle since returning home though. Yesterday saw another trip into the semi big smoke because Hubby had an appointment to attend. Apart from the trip, I have been playing around with making my very own blog template from scratch. I think I might just have it working properly now too. *does a happy dance* I decided to keep it black and grey because, well, you can't screw that up too much. *smiles* I'm pretty happy with the result also.

Hospital Bound

2006-06-01T01:27:00.000+10:00

I'm off to hospital. Within a handful of hours I will be in the car travelling to the semi big smoke to be admitted into hospital. I've been disso'ing a lot of late, which was neither here nor there really. I'm getting used to that sort of thing and to be quite frank, I'm beyond giving a toss.

Things have turned pear shaped now though. I disso'ed big time in front of the pdoc during our appointment this afternoon. As a result, that part of me lost its mind and uttered what it had been thinking. The pdoc wanted to admit me then and there, but luckily I had a friend with me who wouldn't have been able to get home without me there to drive the car. So, I got to come home and pack which is good.

Ahhh, but 'sigh' on the hospital thing I guess. It's been a year since I was last admitted ... and then a year before that. I wonder if this is going to become a yearly thing?

I Must Be Mad

2006-04-24T22:17:00.000+10:00

I must be a sucker for punishment. Today I embarked upon designing a website for Hubby's Guild Wars guild. (For the uninitiated, Guild Wars is an online role-playing game similar to World of Warcraft).

Hubby is going to be a difficult "client" though I think. He wants his guild's website to emulate Guild Wars' professionally designed site, including the latest news section on the site's homepage. The only way I can think of doing it so that the news section is updatable by all the guild leaders is to set it up as a blogger template. Yikes! Coding my very own blogger template so that it looks like the Guild Wars website. That's certainly going to prove a challenge!

Speaking of web designing, I started stage two of my TAFE certificate today. I learnt how to slice images, something which I have never bothered trying before. It was surprisingly simple once I worked out how to do it using Adobe ImageReady. It's kind of cool to learn something new too.

As for the age-old "how's things going" question, I'm doing okay. I've been incredibly busy this past week and as a result I am feeling quite drained. The upside is I haven't been alone with my thoughts very much which has kept my emotional life completely at bay. It was incredibly refreshing to finally have a day virtually all to myself today though. I definitely needed it.

Dreams are Weird

2006-04-17T08:16:00.000+10:00

Welcome to last night's dream! (and my second post in two days ... go me!)

The time was shortly after Christmas. I was trying to send a belated Christmas card to someone ... my father I think. I couldn't get the postage stamp to stick to the envelope properly so I didn't want to pop it into the post box for fear that the stamp would fall off. I tried to place more moisture (spit ... ewww) on the back of the stamp to no avail. I entered the post office, thinking that perhaps they had sticky tape available for customer use on one of their shelves. I spied the sticky tape at the far end of the post office.

While I was still on the street, trying to fix the stamp to the envelope, a bus rolled past. A couple of the bus's passengers were apparently staff members of the school where I used to work. An elderly lady who was standing beside me struck up a conversation about one of the teachers. She told me that the woman in question had been teaching for approximately ten years now (in reality she had been a first year teacher when I had worked at the school last). I began to tell the elderly lady as such, but she was adamant that the woman had been teaching for years, so I gave up.

All of a sudden, I found myself at a friend's workplace, but for some reason it was a mixture of his real workplace and one that I had previously worked at for a short, unsuccessful stint. I must have walked straight past the reception area without announcing myself, because I was sitting at my friend's desk using his sticky tape to adhere the stamp to its envelope. From the next cubicle, my friend acknowledged my unannounced presence. I apologised for not informing him of my being there. My friend introduced me to two of his work mates, one of whom had apparently worked there during the short time that I had worked there. This particular work mate didn't say anything about how useless I had been in the position though. Both work mates then left the room so that my friend and I could have some privacy.

Somewhere in amongst all this, I sat in on the end of a job interview for a town doctor and a water treatment plant employee. Gawd knows how I had managed to do that. There were two applicants for the doctor position and one for the water treatment plant employee. One of the applicants for the doctor's position was either Korean or Malaysian. He was a cute, youngish man who seemed much better than the other applicant, a rough around the edges white guy. During the interview, the Korean or Malaysian doctor stated that his English was not perfect, but to me he seemed to have a wonderful grasp of the English language. When meeting up with my friend at his workplace later on in the dream, I told him about the interview and how I thought the Korean or Malaysian doctor was better suited to the position. My friend agreed (somehow he had talked to the applicants as well) and we joked about how he would have to brush up on his Korean language skills.

And that was the end of my dream, or all that I can remember of it anyway. How bizarre was that! It's funny how certain snippets of reality can make it into a truly weird dream.

Blog Neglect

2006-04-16T22:16:00.000+10:00

My poor little blog! It's been ages since I posted and even longer since I posted regularly. What a serious case of neglect! It's amazing that my blog is still breathing! I should be arrested or something!

The truth is that things have been pretty sucky for a while now. There's been no real reason for it. There never is. I just fell into a bad head space and it's been bloody near impossible to claw my way out of it. The dreaded "D's" returned with a vengeance. I've been feeling really down and I still feel like someone else has invaded my body and is doing all the moving and talking for me. Grrr! Stupid brain! I just wish it would end!

So, what's the best treatment for being in a sucky place? Getting together with a friend who is damn near close to being as insane as you are, laying in the slightly overgrown and moist grass in his back yard in the middle of the night and taking the most bizarre photos of anything and everything.

And here are the results! Top left are my feet which apparently come with their very own green halo. Middle right is me in the middle of some sort of bizarre yoga position. Finally, bottom left is my friend's and my version of a full moon etch-a-sketch.

Mmmm ... there was definitely substance abuse happening that night I think. *smiles*

Weirdness aside, I am now officially on Easter break from my TAFE course. Despite everything, I was able to successfully finish off all my assessment pieces before the end of the term. I've even already enrolled in the next stage of the course which either starts on the 19th according to my TAFE tutor or on the 24th according to the TAFE customer service person whom I spoke to when I re-enrolled. Hey, you got to love how TAFE operates!

Freaky Shit That Happens

2006-03-21T11:07:00.000+10:00

I've just received a SMS from a mate of mine who's currently sitting in a hospital waiting room. In explanation, she is pregnant but suffering from preeclampsia. As a consequence, doctors are playing a huge role in her pregnancy because of the great risks that the condition poses to both mother and baby.

Now here's the weird bit. In the SMS, my friend told me of how a woman had stopped her in the hospital's car park, completely out of the blue. The woman said that she "knew things", then pointed to my friend's tummy and said, "He's safe." Then the woman said, "The police don't know it yet, but they've got Daniel Morcombe's abductor in a Brisbane jail, so you don't have to worry. Your boy is safe now." She smiled, said, "Have a good day," and left.

*insert Twilight Zone music here*

How bizarre is that! What exactly did this mystery woman mean by what she said? Was she just a nice, misguided (or possibly really eccentric) old lady or is she like a super psychic or something? How incredibly eerie!

Tagged! Woohoo!

2006-03-16T16:04:00.000+10:00

Hey, it's been a while between tags (thanks Seraphism). This one is all about the seven songs which have formed the soundtrack to my recent days. Since I drove into the semi big smoke yesterday, I had quite a few to chose from because I played CD after CD to make the trip seem shorter. Anyway, without further ado (stifles a giggle) here are the seven songs which resonated to me:

Face the Day - The Angels
Numb - Linkin Park
Hit the Floor - Linkin Park
Shit Towne - Live
Photograph - Nickelback
My Immortal - Evanescence
Left Outside Alone - Anastacia

Oh oops! I nearly forgot to tag some people. Ummm, let's see. Oh, I dunno. Anyone who stumbles across this post and wants to have a go. How does that sound? :)

How To Clean The House

2006-03-14T19:44:00.000+10:00

Open a new file on your PC
Name it "housework"
Send it to the recycle bin
Empty the recycle bin
Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete housework permanently?"
Calmly answer "yes" and press the mouse button firmly
Feel better?

It works for me. :)

I found the above on WELSHPERCYS wide open spaces and couldn't resist posting it myself.

Dissociative's Eye

2006-03-13T09:07:00.000+10:00

Sometimes the world becomes blurry as has been the case for me over these past couple of weeks. Just occasionally, that evacuation sign is all that can be seen. It stands out so clearly from the surrounding swirling mess. It can be ever so alluring. All that you want to do is to reach out and embrace it because then you know that all this could stop, or at least you hope that it would.

But the path to the sign is twisted. You think you are firmly set upon it, then something blocks your way and you end up falling off its spongy edges. All carefully laid plans fall to pieces. Realistically, it's probably for the best. It's a path that probably shouldn't be traversed. But my god, you want to reach that sign. It is all that you can think about, all that you desire, all that you have planned for.

There comes a time when you realise that you have once again fallen off that path. It's devastating! You try to claw your way back on the path but things block your passage once again; a friend's cry, the thought that maybe this isn't all there is and you will be stuck working on shit even if you reach the sign and step over to the other side.

It's not fair! But you haven't completely given up on the prize that lies at the foot of that sign.

Where To From Here?

2006-03-10T09:43:00.000+10:00

So, so you think you can tell,
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field,
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade,
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange,
A walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd

Freakin' Funny Ad

2006-03-07T17:31:00.000+10:00

I stumbled across the above video (click to be taken to the link) while aimlessly surfing the internet today. Apparently the cat herding ad was played during the US Super Bowl a few years ago. I hadn't seen it before though. Mind you, that probably has something to do with not ever seeing the US Super Bowl because I'm an Aussie and all. Anyway, the ad is hilarious! Watch for the cowboy that is allergic to cats. I'd view the ad over and over again just for that. Too funny!

Self Harm Aftermath

2006-03-06T18:48:00.000+10:00

The following is related to burning as a method of self harm, self injury or whatever you want to call it.

After a few short days, your blistery creation will eventually spring a leak. It will start weeping (hopefully) watery liquid (if it is not infected). This liquid runs! Everywhere! If you burnt your arm, it will run down the length of your forearm and around to the underside of your arm. The watery liquid will transfer to anything it touches, like a computer keyboard for example. It will drip everywhere.

At the same time, it will start to itch. Really itch! Although you know that you probably shouldn't, you will want to rip open the blister/s and scratch the living daylights out of the wound. You will try your hardest to resist the urge as you know that if it is an open wound, it runs the risk of getting affected. Not that you particularly care about the possible infection. You just don't want to have to bother about taking care of the wound or taking any more medication. You're on enough already.

So, you will sit there for ages desperately wanting to scratch but you are unable to. Intermittently, you will wipe the leakage from your arm and the computer keyboard or whatever else it has touched. You will seriously consider burning the area again. After all, it will stop the itching temporarily and to be brutally honest, it will feel good.

But it doesn't stop there. Your loved one will eventually notice the new wound no matter how much you tried to hide it from him/her. Initially you will be cautious about hiding it from them, but you will drop your guard. After all, the wound and scars become natural after a while. They are just "one of those things" and you don't consider their presence to be different. When your loved one finally notices the new wound, s/he will stare at it. Really stare at it! S/he will say something along the lines of, "Not again! You were doing so well." You will think to yourself, "Yeah, right! I was doing so well ... not."

By chance you leave the house (not that you want to but sometimes it can't be avoided), there will be at least one stranger that draws attention to your scars and current wound. This stranger will say something like, "Wow! What happened to your arms?" For a brief moment, you will be taken aback. "What?" you think to yourself. But then it suddenly dawns on you and you realise what they are referring to. You mutter some semi-prepared excuse about having a drunken cooking accident and getting burnt by cooking oil. After all, your previous experience has taught you to have some inane excuse prepared.

So, that's it. A day in the life of someone who has to burn. Fun, hey!

An Oldie But a Goodie

2006-03-02T12:02:00.000+10:00

Just Fucking Wonderful!

2006-03-02T09:59:00.000+10:00

Warning! Strong language following!

I just received an email from my TAFE tutor. Essentially he has accused me of cheating in my last assignment. He thinks I used an authoring program to code the html. WTF!?!?!?!?!?! Fuck, it took me ages to code that shit by hand and ages pawing through books on how to achieve the desired result. And for gawd's sake, I am not a come-by-lately when it comes to creating and managing websites. I created and maintained my last workplace's site for fuck sake.

What else can possibly go wrong? Over the past couple of days I have been writing my "real" journal entries out in longhand because, well, they have been rather disturbing and probably better not published here on this blog. Can anything else happen to make this fucking depression worse? I'm almost at the end of my tether as it is.

*Insert scream here*

Updated: Well, I've discovered how I can finally shed a tear ... out of frustration and anger. Unfortunately it leads to SH as well. Oh well. At least it was done over existing scars. :S

Eek! "Scary" Dream

2006-03-02T08:22:00.000+10:00

Okay, maybe it wasn't a scary dream per se, but it certainly had its very own "WTF!" aspect.

Last night's dream centred on the school where I used to work and its acting DP (yep, the scary wench herself). For some godforsaken reason, I had accepted a job there again. This particular job was supposed to be a on a very casual basis. It didn't seem to turn out that way however. On my first day, I sat in on a class. Then came my conversation with the incredibly fake DP. She was acting all friendly and such, but I knew she was just faking her way through her niceties. I asked her about the kids I would be working with and the hours I would be working. Of course the acting DP had not organised anything. She gave me the impression that I would be working many more hours than had originally been agreed upon. She didn't have a clue about what classes I would be assisting in and which kids I was there to help. She was the definition of incompetent.

Thankfully that is all I remember from the dream. Why I would dream about her and the school is beyond me. I think I need to have a shower just to cleanse myself. Ick!

Endless Stormy Road

2006-03-01T16:52:00.000+10:00

No words today. The title and the picture say it all.

Total Smoking Ban in Cars?

2006-02-28T11:19:00.000+10:00

Now it is getting ridiculous!

I should say from the outset that I am a smoker.

Okay, I agree with the whole no smoking around children thing. It's irresponsible and endangers children's health, so don't do it! What concerns me regarding the following news report is that some of the wording is not entirely centred on the issue of smoking around children. For example, "Health Minister John Hatzistergos said the government would support a parliamentary inquiry assessing a private member's bill proposing a complete ban on smoking in cars."

Oh, come on! If I want to slowly commit suicide by smoking in my own car then that is my problem, not anybody else's. As the article continues on to say there is no research that suggests that banning people from smoking in their own cars reduces road accidents.

Recently Australian governments have introduced laws which prohibit smoking within four metres of a doorway to public buildings, ten metres from a children's playground and other laws which centre around restaurants and pubs. I have a proposal though. If the governments in Australia are so concerned about how smoking negatively impacts on their citizens' health, how about a total ban on smoking anywhere? Let's prohibit the sale of cigarettes and tobacco completely. Despite being a smoker myself, I would actually welcome that.

Oh, hang on. There is one huge problem when it comes to a total prohibition on tobacco and cigarettes. The almighty tax dollar! Let's face it, governments rake in a lot of money through taxes placed on tobacco and cigarettes. Maybe they don't want to totally ban the sale of such products because it is a massive revenue booster.

Am I being too cynical here?

NSW govt to look at smoking ban in cars
Tuesday Feb 28 00:15 AEDT
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=64589

The NSW government supports a ban on smoking in cars containing children and says it will look at the issue when parliament resumes next week.

Health Minister John Hatzistergos said the government would support a parliamentary inquiry assessing a private member's bill proposing a complete ban on smoking in cars.

The bill was put forward by Christian Democratic party MP Fred Nile.

Mr Hatzistergos said the health department and non-government partners had run a campaign to stop parents smoking around young children in cars as well as at home, but the issue needed more public discussion.

"Most adults are responsible when it comes to their child's health but the few that smoke with children in the car are placing their child at considerable risk from passive smoking," Mr Hatzistergos said in a statement.

"I encourage open public debate on the issue and will look forward to the findings of the parliamentary inquiry."

Mr Hatzistergos pointed to World Health Organisation research that found children were particularly at risk from second-hand smoke because they were still developing and breathed faster than adults.

He said similar proposals to ban smoking in cars with children had been rejected in America and German for privacy reasons and because there was no evidence it reduced road accidents.

The ban was just one of several tobacco issues to be considered when parliament resumed, Mr Hatzistergos said.

Thinking Out Loud

2006-02-27T16:56:00.000+10:00

Mmmm ... maybe I am not so much thinking out loud as thinking in type. Oh well, it sounded like a good idea for a post title anyway.

In short, I feel like death this afternoon. Something clicked in my head a few hours ago, opening the floodgates wide and allowing the depressive thoughts to roll on in. Ugh! Why does this sort of crap happen? I wasn't thinking negatively at the time or anything. I had just finished working on my TAFE assignment and then bang, it happened.

During my aimless wandering around the Internet, trying to keep the sadness at bay, I visited a bookmarked employment website for the first time in ages. While browsing the available jobs, one of them caught my eye. The particular position is part of a community visitor program for children in some form of out-of-home care. Employment is only on a casual basis too.

Through the gloom which has descended on my head, I must admit that the position sounds somewhat interesting. To begin with, it is only casual. Surely I can keep up with casual employment and it wouldn't interrupt my current studies. This sort of position is what I trained for too, although admittedly many years ago now. Through my past work at the school, I know that I like working with kids. Also on the bright side is that it pays thirty bucks an hour plus expenses. That is definitely nothing to be sneezed at. Hubby and I could use the extra cash now and then.

There is a down side however and unfortunately it is all about me. I don't feel strong enough. I suck at being employed ... always have. I doubt my ability to do ... well, any job really. Gawd, I could go on forever but it is just too overwhelming.

Maybe I shouldn't think about it and just try writing up an application. It has to be down in Brissie by Monday so I only have a couple of days in which to write the thing. Chances are I wouldn't get a look in anyway, so what's it gonna hurt, sending off an application.

I'm Obsessed

2006-02-26T22:40:00.000+10:00

Today was a day where time just seemed to fly. I was completely obsessed with working on the website templates for my TAFE assignment. I spent the vast majority of my waking hours working on the assignment. I've now finished my third template and although it is just a basic, table-based design, I am really quite happy with it. The plan for tomorrow is to fine tune the other two templates and then get stuck into the not-so-pleasant report task.

Another Seemingly Dull Day

2006-02-25T21:34:00.000+10:00

On a surface level, I guess today was a fairly dull day. Although after a morning hiccup, I did get quite a bit done. However it was all work and no play for me today.

This morning I woke up with a massive Seroquel hangover. I don't really know why. Although I took last night's meds a little later than usual, I did sleep in until about 10am or so. When I woke up and stumbled outside to let the furries out for their morning "wee walk", the familiar surrealness was definitely upon me. The sky was weird. I was moving through jelly. It was not a comfortable experience.

In order to break out of the surrealness, I tried eating some breakfast and having a cup of coffee. It didn't help though. I ended up going back to bed and lazing around watching TV for a while.

Sometime after lunch time, I decided to have another go at the whole "let's start the day" thing. This time I was successful. I spent quite a few hours working on my TAFE certificate. I got quite a bit done too. I created two out of the three website templates that are required for my next piece of assessment. I'm even a little more organised when it comes to the report that has to be submitted along with the templates. I've only just decided that it was time to quit for the night.

So that was my day. I know I titled this post with the words "dull day", but I don't view working on my TAFE certificate as particularly dull. I quite like it. I like creating and learning about website design.

This and That

2006-02-24T22:52:00.000+10:00

In amongst organising the dogs' dinner, hanging out the washing and doing the dishes, I have been watching the Winter Olympics women's figure skating finals. I'm mesmerised! These women are graceful, athletic and incredibly amazing. My favourite skater so far has been Shizuka Arakawa from Japan. Her program was just lovely and beautifully skated. (Oh wow! Shizuka just won the gold.) I've always much preferred the Winter Olympics over the summer ones. In fact, I can miss the Summer Olympics entirely and not bat an eyelid, but it is always nice to catch a little bit of the Winter Olympics on TV.

My interest in the figure skating aside, today has been an exceedingly average day in terms of my mood. I might just be tired though. I'm not sure. I had a late one last night, which was cool because I got to chat to a mate on the phone for ages. It had been a while since we had spoken as I am the slackest person in the world when it comes to picking up the damn phone.

Despite the late night, I woke up early to drive Kara over to the vets in the small smoke for her last injection. That was the last injection in the course and she has certainly improved. Apparently the coolness of winter can have a negative effect on dogs with osteoarthritis, so we just have to keep an eye on her when the weather finally starts to cool down to see if she would benefit from any further injections.

After returning home from the small smoke and eating a huge lunch, I ended up falling asleep for several hours this afternoon. I finally awoke early this evening feeling like death warmed up which I guess hasn't helped the mood situation at all.

So, what can one do when they are feeling quite bleh? Go to bed, sleep and hopefully wake up to increased brightest tomorrow. That is exactly what I plan to do now.

Colourful Spider

2006-02-22T23:08:00.000+10:00

I decided to cross post this entry from my Photographic Journeys blog because I sort of surprised myself by writing what I did about the spider image. Taking an interest in my surroundings? Who would have thought!

I need to sit down and write about what happened during my pdoc appointment today. It's getting quite late though and I'm still mulling things over, so I will endeavour to make sense of everything tomorrow.

I find it amazing how this new found photography obsession of mine is slowly teaching me to take a closer look at my surroundings. Before, I wouldn't have seen this little spider in amongst the bushes and by chance I did, I would have given it a very wide berth. Today I noticed it and immediately took my camera out of the carry case. I held the camera lens literally centimetres from the scary arachnid, marvelling at its beauty. Mind you, I did compromise a little. By looking at my camera's LCD screen rather than peering through the viewfinder, I was still able to keep a little bit of a distance. Arachnophobia still lives. :)

Yikes! Embarrassment!

2006-02-21T12:49:00.000+10:00

Gawd! The things that happen!

A short time ago, I was sitting in front of the computer engaged in research for my next TAFE assignment when I heard someone mucking around in the carport. I then heard the electricity meter box open. "No problems," I thought to myself. "It must be an Ergon Energy employee who had come to read the meter for the next bill cycle." The noise continued however.

By this stage, I was becoming suspicious about what was going on. I got up from my spot in front of the computer and made my way into the kitchen. Through the window, I noticed a car parked outside the house. Then I saw a woman walk out of the carport, round to the front of the house, stand in front of the house looking back at it and then disappear back into the carport. What was going on? Ergon Energy meter readers take a minute to peer inside the meter box, record what they need to and then they are on their way.

Still dressed in my nightie and over shirt, I ventured out to the back landing to investigate what was going on. Sure enough, there was a woman standing in the carport with her head in the electricity meter box. I asked if she was a meter reader. She replied that she was not a meter reader, but was there to disconnect our electricity supply.

What!?!

The woman showed me her work order which stated that Hubby and I owed over $700 to Ergon Energy because the last bill had gone unpaid. Eek!

When I paid the household bills last week, I had noticed an old Ergon Energy late payment notice. Because it was a couple of months old, I had even tried to call the accounts information phone number at the top of the bill to ensure that I had already paid the account in full. Unfortunately though, in this age of automated phone systems, I had not been able to work out what number I had to press to get an account balance or, failing that, how to talk to an actual person. Consequently, I threw the late notice in the filing cabinet in amongst the other paid bills, assuming that because it was so old, I had already paid it. Apparently, that was a mistake.

The woman from Ergon Energy told me that I had about twenty minutes to pay the outstanding fee and to organise reconnection of the electricity before she left town. I raced into the computer room where our main telephone is, removed my sleeping husband's carcass from the chair, fended off the cries from my now awake, pissed off husband about what was going on and hurriedly set about paying the outstanding account and calling Ergon Energy.

Luckily I acted quickly enough. The woman from Ergon Energy returned to reconnect our electricity supply about fifteen minutes after she had initially disconnected it. Phew! Crisis aborted!

Despite the whole situation being pretty damn funny, in all honesty, I'm actually quite upset. I find myself thinking that I'm not even able to smoothly run a household, that I didn't try hard enough to contact Ergon Energy when I paid the bills last, and that I am generally hopeless. Grrr at the internal dialogue! How destructive is that!

Mind you, if I try to look at the situation in a more objective manner, it's just "one of those things". Yes, I neglected to pay the initial bill, however Ergon Energy screwed up as well. Obviously their automated phone system could be more user friendly. The Ergon Energy telephone customer service officer whom I spoke to regarding reconnecting the electricity supply told me that the company usually contacts customers via telephone a couple of days prior to electricity supplies being physically disconnected. They definitely did not contact us.

So, I guess the moral to my little story is to try to think of the situation objectively. However in-grained and difficult to ignore that destructive internal dialogue is, ignore it! I'm not labelling it as destructive for no reason!

Mmmm!

Did the Beach Thing

2006-02-20T21:04:00.000+10:00

I did the beach thing yesterday. Yesterday's plan was to hop in the car, with GBF in tow for company, and drive somewhere for a photography expedition. When GBF and I were discussing possible destinations, the heat of the day was already upon us, so we decided to head to the coast in search of a cooling sea breeze. I only took a handful of photos during our trip, which was far less than I would have liked, but things like eating, resting and shopping kind of got in the way of photo taking. Not to mind. I may head back to the same spot this coming Wednesday morning as I now have some ideas on the images I would like to capture.

As for today, I spent the vast majority of it working on my TAFE certificate. I finalised my second piece of assessment and submitted it. I then did some base work on my third piece of assessment. This third assessment piece is quite a bit more involved than the initial two pieces. It involves firstly writing a report comparing two web authoring systems which offer graphical templates and secondly designing three website templates for a fictitious client. It should prove to be quite challenging and fun.

That's it for me tonight. I'm off to bed early.

Been Sleeping

2006-02-18T18:44:00.000+10:00

*Yawns*

Ugh! I've wasted the last couple of days by sleeping through them (not that that is a bad thing, mind you). That's what you get when you don't take those little yellow pills until after midnight. Oops!

This morning I woke up from the silliest dream. I wish I had noted the details down upon waking because I think it was a doozy. Unfortunately I can't remember what happened now. Basically though, it featured an ex of mine. I haven't seen or spoken with the man for many years, so goodness knows why he would suddenly pop up in a dream. I think the dream may have been set back quite a few years ago too because, if I am not mistaken, I was still living down in Brissie with my family (eek!). Mind you, I think it was just the thought of the ex that featured in the dream. Despite going to great efforts to meet, I think we eventually missed each other. Awww!

Pushing my dream life aside to get back to my real life, there isn't a whole lot to tell considering the whole sleep thing over the past couple of days. Last night, GBF visited for a few hours. We had a few drinks and talked our usual shit. Today my boredom factor was rather high so I decided to break out the camera and play around with taking photos of candles and drinking glasses. For the first time ever, I experimented with my camera's manual setting, with the above image being the result. There's also another, better image over on my Photographic Journeys blog.

Mmmm ... what else? I received an email from the TAFE tutor regarding my first assessment piece. According to his email, my piece was spot on. There was no mark given though, which I find a tad frustrating. I guess that must be a TAFE thing though, so I will have to get used to it. I finished my second assessment piece a couple of days ago. Within the next couple of days I will do a final check of the coding and submit it for review.

Well, that is all my news. I'm considering going on one of my photography expeditions tomorrow, so I will have to be a good girl and take those little yellow pills on time tonight so I can actually experience daylight tomorrow.

The Perfect Man

2006-02-16T19:01:00.000+10:00

Thanks Joey. ;)

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He has never made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay!

Photo courtesy of stock.xchng

One Woman's Rant

2006-02-16T18:59:00.000+10:00

I despise traditional relationships and the scary thing is, I'm living in one. It makes me feel devalued. He makes me feel like a servant in my own home. But wait! It's not my home, it is his.

He has been on days off since finishing his last night shift on Monday morning. When I took the car over to the small smoke on Tuesday for a service, he stated that he did not want to accompany me because he was too tired.

A few nights ago, I cooked a simple dinner of steak and vegetables. I must admit that I overcooked the steak somewhat. His dinner sat in the fridge for the first night, and then the second night. It was only on Wednesday night when I did not return from the semi big smoke with copious amounts of junk food for him that he decided to eat the dinner that was waiting for him in the fridge. I guess he decided to be sociable while eating his dinner because he sat in the lounge room to eat it. Usually he just eats in front of the computer or in bed. After spending a couple of minutes sampling the food on his plate, he turns to me and proclaims that he can no longer eat this shit. Lovely!

This morning I had to take Kara over to the vet in the small smoke for the third injection out of a series of four. There was no question that he would stay home with our other dog. I arrive home after the two hour round trip to him being disappointed that I did not come home with junk food from KFC or McDonald's. I was in and out of the vet's in fifteen minutes. Was I supposed to leave Kara locked in the car while I ran around after him? Leaving a dog in a car in the central Queensland summer heat is not something someone would do unless they wanted to have a dead dog on their hands.

He went to sleep just prior to midday today after spending countless hours locked away in the computer room playing "Guild Wars" online. On retiring, he stated that he wanted Red Rooster at 1:00pm. He didn't ask. He demanded.

After spending several hours studying, I decided to do some vacuuming. He woke up when I was taking a break from it and asks if I de-furred the couch. He then asked if I did "his room" (aka the computer room) and if I planned to do the bedroom as well. He was sleeping in the bedroom for goodness sake. I was going to sit down with a cup of coffee and rest for a short while before waking him up to vacuum that end of the house.

A long time ago, I gave up trying to discuss any issues with him. When I had tried to do so in the past, instead of listening, he became defensive and instantly threw something that annoyed him about me in my face. Now, if I say or do something that annoys him, he rolls his eyes and walks away.

When I sit down and write a post such as this one, I feel useless and hopeless. Useless, because I should be able to engage in the whole effective communication thing but am stupidly unable to do so. Hopeless because ... well ... thoughts about ending it all run through my head.

It's times like these when I feel lost. It seems to be a vicious cycle. I start feeling good. Suddenly these types of issue come to the foreground again. Because I start thinking about this sort of stuff, I start to feel bad again. When does this merry-go-round stop to let me off?

Thinking About Today

2006-02-15T22:20:00.000+10:00

I attended my pdoc appointment today, as is the norm for Wednesdays.

* Sits. Thinks. Drums fingers on keyboard. *

Umm. What did we talk about?

I think the pdoc tried to engage in some sort of analysis of my "Life Is" post from last Wednesday, i.e. what the pictures meant and the like. We also spoke about my outing to the football match last Saturday. He stated that social contact seems to ground me, or words to that effect. He asked me about the dark thoughts which I referred to during last Friday's post. I kind of blew off the question though. I guess I should have tried to answer the question better than I did.

Err, gawd, I don't know. I guess we just sort of went through my previous week's blog posts on a day by day basis.

On the whole, today was a pretty good day I guess. GBF's mother accompanied me on my drive into the semi big smoke. My goodness that woman can talk! On the way in, all that I had to do was to offer the occasional minimal response and the conversation kept flowing. During the drive home, I found myself contributing to the conversation more. I actually thought to myself at one stage, "Hey, I'm conversing here! Imagine that!" I think I surprised myself.

I think I also discovered why I started taking the camera in with me, rather than spending the time browsing through shopping centres. If I enter the shopping centres, I spend money on stuff I don't need. Well, I did buy an iron today which I did need. My old one died on me last week. However, I also bought a set of four incredibly groovy glasses. Now the last thing I need is more glasses. I have a cupboard full of them. These glasses were too cool to go past though. Mmmm. Maybe they constitute a photo opportunity. I'll have to try that tomorrow.

Enough from me tonight. I feel like I am writing a disjointed blob of gobbledygook here. It must be time to think about going to bed.

Things That Make You Go ...

2006-02-14T20:58:00.000+10:00

Mmmmm!

I had to drive over to the small smoke again today, this time to get the car serviced. To be honest, I'm getting a little sick of the place. Lately it feels like I'm forever in the car, headed in that direction. It isn't such a bad place really. It's just that there is not a lot to do in a small town with no transportation. The age-old transportation method of walking is not particularly pleasant in 36 degree heat either.

Despite the heat, I did do a lot of walking today, with camera in hand of course. At one end of town is a visitors' park, complete with a giant Van Gogh sunflower painting. According to the little plaque at its base, it is the largest painting on an easel in the world.

I have to wonder who originally thought of the idea of erecting a humungous painting on an easel in the middle of a park. It seems like such a bizarre concept to me. Did some bloke mention it as a joke during a town council meeting when the topic of tourist attractions was raised, only to be taken seriously by the rest of the councillors? Was the decision to build the thing made over a liquid lunch? I guess I will never know.

While I'm on the topic of "things that make you go ...", I need to vent a little steam regarding the place where Hubby likes to get the car serviced. The car was booked in for its service two whole weeks ago, yet when I picked up the car this afternoon I was told that the air filter and the belts were not changed because these parts were not in stock. What the!?! They had two friggin' weeks in which to order the parts to ensure that they were in stock! How useless is that! Now I have to make a special trip into the small smoke in another couple of weeks to get the car serviced yet again. Grrrr!

Anyway, today wasn't too bad despite the above frustration. I'm back to feeling a little flat again but that's probably only because I'm feeling kind of tired.

Wonderful Averageness

2006-02-13T22:27:00.000+10:00

Today has been one of balance. My mood has been normal, neither too high nor too low. It's felt like a breath of fresh air.

My new found sense of normalcy enabled me to be quite productive throughout the day. I was able to concentrate on studying for several hours. I was able to get up and cook for both humans and dogs, not to mention clean up afterwards. I also spent some time sifting through months worth of unopened mail, throwing out what was no longer needed, setting aside that which needed to be filed away and most importantly, catching up on paying the outstanding bills.

Although I guess the above sounds so simple and should be easily achievable within a short time frame, quite often that is just not the case for me. It feels good to have achieved so much today even if it was just household chores and the like.

Photo courtesy of stock.xchng.

How Quickly Things Change

2006-02-12T19:12:00.000+10:00

Okay, it's official. I'm a lunatic! I'm sitting here all alone laughing myself silly. Is it a full moon tonight or what?

Gawd, how quickly things change. The last few days were absolutely horrible. I was ready to completely give up. Life sucked, etc etc. Enter GBF with his plan to go to a local footy match and get completely shitfaced and bent. Footy? You mean there was a football match going on? I didn't see any of it.

Dragging my sorry self out of the house was just what the doctor ordered. I'm back, although maybe feeling just a tad silly. The main thing is there is colour again. Fancy that!

Okay. I must admit that I was somewhat under the weather this morning, but as of mid afternoon I'm a giggling maniac. Oops! Maybe I should have remembered to take my meds last night. Bugger!

Anyway, we took the camera out with us last night. I am not responsible for the first two photos. The strange man in the third photo grabbed the camera from me and started taking pics of random people. I got to admit that the results are freakin' funny.

Can anyone look more drunk than this bloke?

Warning! Excess consumption of alcohol causes strange facial contortions.

Who is this drunk man? I swear that I don't know him! ROFL!

OMG! I can't believe I have just written this post. I'm going to hit the "publish post" button before I just "ctrl alt del".

More Jumbled Thoughts

2006-02-11T12:16:00.000+10:00

I can't concentrate on anything today. Earlier on, I logged into my online TAFE course to do a final check of the html coding in my first piece of assessment before I submitted it. Instead of just checking the code however, I made all these silly little changes which made the page display differently across IE, Netscape and Firefox. IE was the problem of course. I ended up not saving my changes and logging off because I was confusing myself.

After a short while I decided to go and have a lie down and watch some TV. Thankfully I drifted off to sleep. That didn't last long however. My husky, who wanted desperately to go outside, woke me up with her whinging. Since then I have eaten (I think I tend to eat to try to ground myself when I am feeling this way) but I still can't get it together. I'm lost to myself today. Everything is surreal, yet as dark as pitch. I want to curl up into a ball and disappear forever.

Fuck it! Is it wrong to want to be in hospital when I am feeling like this? Who the hell wants to be in hospital for goodness sake? I don't even have the right to be in hospital because I am not actively suicidal or anything. I'm just tired of existing ... plain and simple. In hospital, you are allowed to curl up into a ball. You don't have to think of others. Food is delivered to your room on a regular basis. The only annoying thing is that too many people come into your room for a variety of reasons when all you want is to be left alone to drift into the nothingness.

How I want to take some of those little yellow pills at the moment. I want unconsciousness. I want to sleep for the longest time possible. How about never waking up? Sounds great! Unfortunately I can't. Hubby needs a fresh ironed uniform shirt for his night shift tonight. He needs his crib. I therefore have to get up and prepare these things.

Please, can I escape into that nothingness forever?

Bleh!

2006-02-10T21:27:00.000+10:00

I'm not with it at all tonight. I'm typing through a murky fog. Nothing appears to be in focus but its not because I've taken out my contact lens. It was like this before I took out "my eyesight". I feel sluggish. I'm moving around, doing my end-of-night chores (i.e. feeding the furries, taking them out for their last wee walk for the evening, making myself a cup of tea) but I don't know ... it's just not right. I feel like I have retreated into my body and my movements are incidental, automatic.

Why this way? I picked up my weapon of choice tonight. As per the norm, no real damage has been done, except to make myself check out like I have. In a way, I wanted this to happen. I wanted not to be here. The dark thoughts have returned and have been swirling through my head. I needed an escape. It never works out that way though.

I hate this.

The Day That Was

2006-02-09T19:07:00.000+10:00

Where to begin? This was yesterday:

Tunnel vision
A voice from afar saying ... something
My focused finger
Nothing else
Where have I gone?
Darkness within
Emptiness
Wanting to fight to break out of it
Wanting to lose myself within it, to allow myself to be totally consumed
Losing myself is winning
Confliction
Hearing my voice, yet its not me talking
A ringing phone
I'm back (mostly)

It's not the first time it has happened of course, but there it is ... dissociation a la me.

Yesterday wasn't promising from the start. I wasn't really with it from the time I awoke. The drive didn't help. I perhaps shouldn't have listened to the CD that I chose to play (Linkin Park's Meteora). By the time I drove into the semi big smoke, my surroundings were becoming surreal. Focusing was difficult. And then my appointment began and I was gone.

My pdoc wondered if it was because of something he said, i.e. something about my life being ... umm ... not conducive to happiness. I'm not sure exactly how he termed it. Maybe? I remember feeling like I wanted to cry at the beginning of the appointment, but that feeling was just a stirring deep inside of me. Crying is all but impossible for me these days. The last time I cried was towards the end of last year. It was related to me working at the school and was out of complete frustration and anger. It came out of the blue because it had been ages since I had shed a tear.

So that was a snapshot of yesterday. As for today, I slept through most of it, only waking up after 3:00pm. I'm still not entirely with it. I'm experiencing what I think I will term a dissociation hangover.

Life Is ...

2006-02-08T23:58:00.000+10:00

Life is looking up to find only a mass of confusion ...

... and then retreating into oneself again.

Freakin' Funny!

2006-02-07T21:46:00.000+10:00

OMG! This is so much fun! I found this over on Mizeeyore's blog and thought I would have a go at it too.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Disso!

Influenza got its name because people believed the disease was caused by the evil "influence" of Disso.
Half a cup of Disso contains only seventeen calories!
A cluster of bananas is called a hand and consists of 10 to 20 bananas, which are individually known as Disso.
The Church of Scientology was founded in 1953, at Washington D.C., by Disso!
Tradition allows women to propose to Disso only during leap years!
Disso has only one weakness - the colour yellow.
Disso can squeeze her entire body through a hole the size of her beak!
The fingerprints of Disso are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
Disso is the only king without a moustache on the standard pack of cards.
Disso has enough fat to produce 32 bars of soap.

ROFL! Go me!

I always thought I was the devil's spawn. Now I have my proof. Mwuahahahaha!
Ummm ... put me through a blender and pour me into a measuring cup. Ewwww!
Well, I am crazy so I guess that makes me bananas too.
Again! Mwuahahahahahaha! Scientologists kneel down before me.
Oh damn! I'm already married. What a waste! Joey, what ya doing next leap year? LOL
Yellow? Yuck! I definitely don't have a weakness for yellow objects. Ewww!
That's just funny. LOL
Eek! I'm subhuman?
Moustache? Not with my new e-pen thankyou! It's better than waxing!
Scarily true!

Tuesday's Dead

2006-02-07T20:53:00.000+10:00

Tuesday's almost dead and buried thank goodness. It wasn't such a bad day though. I kept myself busy completing some course work for my TAFE certificate. I can now say that I have manually coded my first simple webpage. Yay me! Who would have imagined that one could manually code HTML! I thought that's what programs like Dreamweaver and GoLive were for. *smiles*

Despite my interest in doing this TAFE course, I have been feeling really flat these past few days. I don't know. Maybe I should have forced myself to get out of the house or something. I've been feeling incredibly anti-social though. I've been wanting to pick up the phone to chat to a couple of friends, one of which I have just reestablished contact with, but picking up the phone can be outrageously difficult sometimes. It's silly.

At the very least I will be forced to leave the house tomorrow. I'm off to the semi big smoke for my usual pdoc appointment. No doubt I will take my camera with me. I made sure that the battery was fully charged yesterday.

What's Wrong Here?

2006-02-06T20:30:00.000+10:00

It's a dog's life!

Since I found out that one of my furry kids isn't feeling too well and that she needs to be on a bland diet for a while, it's been a veritable doggy restaurant around here. Chicken has featured on the menu, apparently being the number one choice for easy-on-the-tummy doggy diets. Tonight's succulent choice is ground chicken and pumpkin patties served on a bed of steamed rice. Yep, I'm not kidding. The furries are being spoilt rotten!

On the flip side are the meals that the humans of the house have been subjected to over the past few days. I use the term "meals" loosely too. Hubby and my meals have consisted of pre-packaged frozen pies and fish and chips. Umm ... yum? Last night's "meal" was either starve to death or drink copious amounts of coffee in order to not feel hungry. Good grief! What have I been thinking? I need a real meal!

*Rummages around freezer searching for something for the humans to eat*

Changes

2006-02-06T00:22:00.000+10:00

It's official! I'm a student once again! Last Wednesday I enrolled in a Certificate IV in Website Design (online) through TAFE and today I started the course work. I know it's only a certificate level course, but I wanted to choose something I was interested in and that wouldn't stress me out to the max. Hopefully this Certificate IV in Website Design will fit the bill. At the very least, the course will finally demystify cascading style sheets for me. Those things have kept me baffled for years.

As a result of this morning's study, I decided to finally start updating one of my websites. I haven't touched it in at least a year, so it is high time I paid some attention to it. I'm keeping the design incredibly basic (let's face it, basic is all I know how to do anyway), but hopefully it doesn't present as too dull and boring. I will be adding extra pages and images to it over the next few days or so.

Mmmm! That's about all I have to write about tonight really. It's been an average sort of a day. Apart from spending copious amounts of time on the Internet, I threw a couple of loads through the washing machine, cooked up some dinner for the dogs, loaded up the dishwasher and that's about it. Average, average, average!

Finally! The Week is Drawing to a Close

2006-02-04T22:55:00.000+10:00

I am glad that this week is coming to an end. Although in reality it probably wasn’t, this week certainly feels like it was incredibly full-on. With Kara being ill, multiple trips over to the small smoke to visit the vet, my trip into the semi big smoke on Wednesday and my photography expeditions, I feel completely knackered. I need a bloody good sleep but I haven’t even bothered to take my meds yet tonight. Considering my meds help with the whole falling asleep thing, I guess I’m going to be having another late night with no chance of a sleep-in tomorrow and be whinging about feeling worn out again. The things we do to ourselves, hey.

Since I am on the topic of doing things that aren’t particularly helpful to one’s wellbeing, why oh why do I continue to visit the local shopping centre on Saturdays? I know that crowds in shopping centres have the tendency to freak me out, yet I still do stupid things like wait to the very last minute to fill a prescription and thus force myself to venture into the shopping centre when it is at its busiest.

Obviously today was no exception. I started to feel uncomfortable the second I walked through the shopping centre’s entrance. By the time I entered the pharmacy only to be confronted with seemingly scores of people just milling around aimlessly, I was ready to flee. And flee I did! I couldn’t hang around in the shopping centre waiting for my script to be filled. It was just too much. Instead I went to the less busy by far newsagency at the top of town (as opposed to the one in the shopping centre), quickly browsed through the magazines and walked out empty handed. How ridiculous! If laboratory rats and pigeons can learn to avoid negative stimulation, why the hell can’t I? It would appear that laboratory animals have a far greater intelligence than I do. *sigh*

Perhaps the most unfortunate thing about this morning’s experience is that it reminded me that something isn’t quite right. Once upon a time I used to love going to shopping centres just to browse around the stores. Now it fills me with a rather pronounced undercurrent of anxiety and discomfort. I guess I had been lulled into a false sense of normalcy over the past couple of weeks given my relatively good mood. The sharp reminder that things are not okay was a bitter pill to swallow.

It’s funny how life turns out. Surely at some stage during my life I harboured dreams of a happy, meaningful and contented future. It was never meant to be.

What Makes Your Mate Mad?

2006-02-02T11:49:00.000+10:00

What is it about your star sign that drives your partner totally crazy?

I lifted this information from the February 8, 2006 issue of the "That's Life" magazine. I definitely had a giggle when I read both mine and Hubby's signs. It's just so true!

Libra (me): Your inability to make a firm decision (about anything) can be irritating, as is your over-concern with appearances and your laziness around the home.

Cancer (Hubby): It has to be the way you blow things out of all proportion, your hoarding of all those unnecessary items and your tendency to emotionally suffocate.

Well okay, maybe it's not 100% accurate. I'm not overly concerned with my appearance at all, or for that matter what other people think of me. If I was I wouldn't so freakin' overweight at the moment (Grrr!). As for being lazy around the home, that's a humungous yes. The place looks like it's been ransacked. Oh, and I can't make a decision to save myself. *smiles*

Now on to Cancer! Hubby is most definitely a hoarder. Of the five cars we have sitting out the front of our house, four of them don't work! Yeah yeah, I know. In the immortal words of Jeff Foxworthy, "You might be a redneck if ... !" And I won't even mention (oops, looks like I'm about to) the amount of crap we have sitting inside the house. The man has kept clothes from the 1970's for goodness sake. Talk about your bad feng shui!

Aren't relationships bliss!

Ummm ... Thinking Too Much?

2006-02-01T22:33:00.000+10:00

Where to start? I guess I'm feeling a little thoughtful tonight. I don't know how to explain it really, which seems to be so like me. Maybe retrospective? I'm not sure. I'm not really focused on the past per se. My mind is just quiet, yet in some way full of thought.

I went for my usual trip into the semi big smoke today, for my usual appointment with my pdoc. It turned out that last week's appointment was cut short because the pdoc was ill. Silly bugger! Doctors seem to work too hard. I understand that for a psychiatrist maybe the world does stop for some patients if s/he isn't able to see them, but surely there comes a time when you have to look after yourself first. If you are sick, you are sick.

Anyway, that aside, today's appointment was more fruitful than last week's. Why? I guess the pdoc and I actually engaged in some form of discussion. The whole memory thing was once again a major theme throughout the appointment. The pdoc brought up one particular memory that we had apparently discussed a couple of times prior to today, that being the one when, as a child, I sat on the back steps with my pet dog listening to my mother getting stuck into my brother for some reason. I recall that that particular memory was one of the ones I listed in my "100 childhood memories" posts, but as for it being a topic of discussion prior to its inclusion in that list, I am not entirely certain. Perhaps. The pdoc pointed out that the first time this particular memory was discussed, I reacted somewhat negatively, yet on subsequent occasions I had somehow distanced myself from it. Aren't I good! *insert bemused smile here*

I don't know. It's kind of frustrating. It would appear that I distance myself from emotions and feelings regarding events that I should have some sort of emotional connection to. However, I don't understand the what's, the where's and the why's regarding this phenomenon. Apparently it's not the norm, yet it's just the way it is for me. At one stage, I used to view myself as an emotional person, but somewhere along the line I lost that.

I may sound like a broken record when it comes to what I am about to write because I have said something similar time and time again, but I am mystified when it comes to therapy. After all this time I still don't understand what the ultimate goal is. Is it that one day I will miraculously wake up and ... what? Everything somehow fall into place? Feel again? Reach a level of happiness that makes life worthwhile? Actually give a shit? Suddenly go, "Oh that all makes sense ... now I know why I am why I am." Ugh! I don't know! Having a life worth living seems only to be connected to the ability to not think about things. If you think, you are stuffed. It's better to be distant. It's better not to care. Ultimately though, I do not want a life like that. It's not real. I'm sick of not being real. It's the only way I can successfully survive though. Bugger!

Gawd, this whole post is a perfect example of why it is bad to think about stuff. Thinking makes you doubt yourself and write copious amounts of shit.

Just a Thought

2006-02-01T19:37:00.000+10:00

Life for Rent
Dido

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologise that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking
It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone and live my live more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive

But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine

Nothing I have is truly mine ...

Photograph courtesy of stock.xchng - the leading free stock photography site

More Memory Work

2006-01-31T21:34:00.000+10:00

Ugh! I'm beyond tired! I drove into the "small smoke" (as opposed to the semi big smoke which lies in the other direction) today to pick up the medication for my sore furry kid. I have definitely been in the car way too much over the past couple of days. The good news is that I took my camera along with me and snapped off a few photographs in the town's botanical gardens. The photo to the left would have to be my favourite. I just love the look of that old tree.

Anyway, as earlier promised I've sat down and tried to lose myself in some more memory work. It's resulted in me dredging up a few more memories from my childhood and early adulthood. Really though, that is all that I have been able to do ... dredge up another random list of memories. I don't understand what my pdoc is after. Does he expect a greater emotional depth to these memories? I guess that's it. To be honest though, there is just nothing else there. If I had any emotions attached to the memories that I dredged up today and during my earlier attempts, then I noted that emotion, feeling or whatever the heck you want to call it down with the memory. There is just nothing more to them.

When I was ultra young (my parents were still together) the family must have taken a trip to visit my mother’s brother’s family in Sydney. I must have been pretty impressed with one of my older cousins as for a while I took to wearing socks around the house like she did.
One of my cousins (from the same nuclear family as mentioned above) was a pilot. He stayed at our house one night during a lay over. I didn’t see him though because he arrived after my bed time and left prior to me waking.
I remember my mother describing both her brothers as quite wealthy.
My mother mustn’t have been too keen on my father’s family. I don’t think we spent nearly as much time with them as we did her family. I think I might have felt differently about them too.
The house my mother, brother and I moved into just after my mother and father split was sort of a split level style home. The layout is quite hard to describe but I can see it in my head. The upper level had all the rooms one would expect of a fully-contained house, i.e. kitchen, toilet, a lounge room and two or three bedrooms. Down an interior flight of stairs, however, was another bedroom which, if I remember properly, sported an ensuite. This bedroom led directly into the back yard of my uncle’s house. The bedroom’s door was always locked though. At the time, the room behind the locked door was an enigma.
My Nan (maternal grandmother) had a pet corgi when I was a young child. The corgi was the sister of my childhood pet. I think I liked playing with the dog when I visited Nan's place.
Nan used to make a dessert called a heavenly tart. I think I used to enjoy eating it.
On occasions I used to be babysat by my Nan. I remember liking her when I was a kid.
I had my first asthma attack whilst I was in primary school during a psych ed lesson. At the time, my class was running around the school’s sports oval. I vaguely remember letting the teacher know that I was having difficulties breathing, but I was encouraged to keep going. The result was me having an asthma attack. I think my mother was annoyed at the teachers for making me keep running.
It was difficult to organise play dates with one of my earliest best friends from primary school. I think my mother had to advocate on my behalf with the friend’s mother in order for me to be allowed over to her place to play.
After leaving school at the end of grade 10, I attended Kelly Commercial College for around six months. The college was situated in the middle of Brisbane. During lunches, my favourite thing to do was to go to the little shopping complex across the road and buy myself the most delicious nachos I have ever tasted.
I remember staying over at a friend’s house one weekend during the time I was attending the college. I think her name was Nicole. We watched a Molly Ringwald movie (hey, it was the mid 80’s!). We also discussed how annoying it was that after you first start shaving your legs, two hairs seem to grow out of the same follicle instead of just one. I also remember her hastily turning down the volume during the movie because there was quite a bit of swearing and she was worried that her parents would hear it.
About a year later, I gained a junior receptionist position at an electrical engineering firm. I used to buy my lunch in the cafeteria at the bottom of the building in which I worked and walk across quite a busy road to have my lunch in the park. One day I dropped my lasagne in the middle of the road. I remember scraping up the small bit of lasagne that hadn’t touched the road and actually eating it. (Yuck!) By the time I sat down in the park to scavenge the remains of my lunch, I was laughing so hard at what had just happened. I must have looked a sight, sitting there by myself and giggling uncontrollably.
While I was working at the engineering firm, I made friends with the other young woman that worked there. We were sixteen at the time. Her family was from New Zealand. We developed a plan on how we were going to both move to New Zealand. Unsurprisingly, both of our mothers freaked at the idea and the idea was scrapped.
This friend and I used to hit the Brissie nightclubs straight after work. We worked out that if we entered the nightclub at that time we were never asked for ID. Later on in the night, we used to sit inside the nightclub with our drinks in hand and giggle at all the other underage girls who would try to gain entry but were refused.
I experienced what I suppose could be called my first period of depression around the age of sixteen/seventeen. I was working at a dodgy hearing aide manufacturing company at the time. I think I might have lost the plot one morning at work, rang home and then left work and went home. My mother responded to my mini crisis by finding me some counselling with a Baptist Church pastor. Gawd knows why she went the religious route because my family was not religious at all. I ended up attending church for a number of years though, only getting out of the whole Christianity thing mid way through my university years.

Yikes, that is a small list but I am going to have to call it a night. I'm in serious need of an early night because I'm off on my usual trip into the semi big smoke tomorrow. Ick! Another four hour round trip. It makes me tired just thinking of it.

All Is Quiet

2006-01-30T22:58:00.000+10:00

Gawd, I've been remiss when it comes to posting of late. There is just nothing going on in my life at the moment. All is quiet, including my mind which I guess is a good thing. Actually I think there are cobwebs collecting in my mind. If it gets any quieter in there, I'm going to start hearing the wind whistling between my ears. At least it is not an uncomfortable silence ... yet.

To break the monotony, I decided to take myself off on a little photography expedition today. Instead of heading east as I usually do, I steered the car to the west. Several years ago I passed through a little country town about an hour and a half drive from where I live. I have always meant to return to the area with a camera in hand. Today I did.

This is the view heading into town. The upper section of this hill is called Virgin Rock, apparently because it is supposed to resemble the Virgin Mary holding a baby Jesus. Mmmm! I think whoever named this rock had a vivid imagination!

In the centre of the town there is a park which sits adjacent to the tourist information centre. Being the middle of summer, of course the information centre was closed. The caravan set doesn't invade central Queensland until the cooler months of the year. Just next to the information centre sat this lovely old plough which was just begging to have its picture taken.

The infamous, padlocked shut information centre. Bummer! It's a cute, little building though.

OMG, what I had to do to get this humble shot! According to the tourist information I lifted off the Internet before I embarked on my expedition, "a pleasant drive takes you to the nearby national park which includes full picnic facilities and spectacular views from three lookouts". Yeah right! Only if you are in for some heavy duty four wheel driving! Actually it wasn't that bad, but it was the worst bush track I've ever driven on by myself. I only made it to the first lookout. I wasn't game to continue any further, both because I was on my own and my car doesn't have a spare tyre at the moment.

So that was my day, as of 7:00pm that is. I guess I must have jinxed myself when I said nothing had been happening in my life of late. Hubby and I just got home from driving a two hour round trip to take one of our furry kids to the vet. Kara, my Aussie, was fine when I arrived home from my little jaunt this afternoon, but by the time Hubby got home from work at 8:00 she couldn't jump up at all. She usually jumps all over Hubby when he comes home. Being the overprotective doggy daddy that he is, Hubby rang the vet straight away. Everything is fine though. Well, sort of fine anyway. It does look like Kara has hurt herself in some way. The vet gave her a shot of anti-inflammatory though, so we'll see how she's feeling in the morning.

Friday Already?

2006-01-27T20:57:00.000+10:00

Gawd, I can't believe that it is Friday already. Where did the past few days go?

Actually, I'm doing a incredibly convincing interpretation of a tired and cranky person tonight. I'm feeling quite bleh, although not really in an emotional sense. I think I'm just in need of an early night and a nice uninterrupted long sleep, not to mention a chill pill to break out of this pissy mood.

Wednesday saw my usual trip into the semi big smoke for my pdoc appointment. The appointment was truly a non-event. I would have been lucky to have been in the pdoc's office for half an hour, if that. Basically, nothing was discussed and in retrospect, I have to wonder if the pdoc hasn't perfected his pained thinking expression that he often displays over many, many years of practice. Is he actually in the process of deep thought when this expression takes over his face, or is it his way of pretending he is doing something when there is nothing happening during an appointment? Who the hell knows really!

The pdoc still seems keen for me to explore my memories in relation to any emotional attachment that may pop up out of them. Emotional attachment! Mmmm! Does anyone really have emotional attachment to any of their childhood memories? I was chatting to a mate on the telephone the other night and we reached the conclusion that it is probably not that we actually remember feeling a particular emotion or feeling in relation to a childhood memory. Rather, it is more that we associate an appropriate emotional response to a past event. For example, if we, as an adult recall a childhood birthday party then we think to ourselves, "Gee, I guess I enjoyed the party because parties are meant to be fun." We don't actually remember whether we felt joy at the time or not. I don't know if our little theory holds any water when it comes to psychological memory research or not, but it certainly makes sense to how we both personally experience memory.

Having said all of the above, over the next couple of days I will have a go at dredging up more memories of my past, although I don't think I will specifically limit it to childhood stuff this time around. I think I will have a go at the young adulthood stuff too.

Been Playing

2006-01-24T21:46:00.000+10:00

No prizes for guessing what I have been doing today. Yep, you got it! Learning to take photographs of lit candles. *smiles*

Actually pretty much my entire day was taken up with something to do with cameras and photographs. This morning I grabbed the camera and headed out to my front garden to take a piccie of a certain flower I've had my eye on for ages. It's such an unusual flower and unfortunately it only really lasts a day or two at most. Even more unfortunate is that it is not particularly photogenic when it comes to my non-existent artistic skills. Bugger! Not to worry though, there are plenty more flowers out there for me to cut my teeth on.

When I was not searching the internet for simple photography tips, I was browsing local area websites for ideas on where to go to take photographs. As a result of this research, I have a couple of little towns in mind, both of which are within a couple hours drive (I think). One is west of the town in which I live. I drove there a few years ago to visit clients of an agency for which I used to work. At the time I remember thinking, "Wow, what a beautiful area. I wish I had a camera." The other town is to the east. The locals that have been to the town have always said to me that there was nothing there and not to bother visiting. From what I saw on the Web though, I'm inclined to disagree. The town looks steeped in European history.

Gawd, I sound so completely obsessed! Mind you, I guess it is about time I found myself a hobby that I actually enjoy and can spent time learning about.

As for my mood and such, for the past two weeks I have felt the best that I have in a very long time. To be honest, it is bloody refreshing. I'm not ready to give up my ultimate weapon against myself (i.e. smoking) or anything, but an improvement is an improvement. There are still times when I think, "Why bother!" and wish that I could swallow lots of little things, but they are becoming fewer and farther in between. The issue which only seems to raise its ugly head when I am feeling a little better about myself has returned but that is to be expected I guess.

So in short, it is cool if I wake up tomorrow alive. *smiles*

Lazy Days

2006-01-22T22:19:00.000+10:00

What a lazy, lazy day today turned out to be. I woke up reasonably late this morning and dozed on and off during the afternoon. After all my activity around the house yesterday (washing the dog, stripping the fur out of the dog's coat and then vacuuming up the dog from the fur laden carpet), I didn't feel like doing much at all today.

I did do a small amount of reading regarding photography today. I flipped through a photography magazine I purchased earlier on in the week and started reading through "Demystifying Digital Photography", a book which came with a photo and graphics editing program I bought some time ago. I'm becoming quite interested in this photography hobby and would dearly love to learn more about it. I guess I am off to a start.

One thing I have noted over the past week or so is that I am becoming interested in things again. I haven't felt this way in a very long time. For so long now, nothing has interested me. Every little thing I did seemed like a laborious chore. Something has changed though. I could almost say that I am excited by the prospect of enrolling in a little TAFE certificate in website design. I am just waiting on TAFE to ring me back saying that the course is open for enrolment. I am already thinking past the TAFE certificate too. I want to learn about photography. Although living where I am there are no formal certificates or the like that I am able to enrol in, I can always buy books on the subject and see what I can learn by myself. It's not like I have any goals in regards to what I may learn through these endeavours, but wanting to do anything is a big step for me. Could it be that I am finally getting somewhere in regards to my health?

I do have to whinge a little tonight though. Hubby drove me crazy today. He took the weekend off work because the online game (Guild Wars) with which he is completely obsessed released an upgrade on Friday night. I understand that he loves playing this game. It offers him something to sink his teeth into during his leisure time as well as providing him with a social outlet as players interact with each other whilst they are playing the game. In retrospect though, taking time off work especially for this upgrade seems a little, umm, full on.

I think my main concern regarding the above has to do with his attitude of late. He has become somewhat demanding when it comes to me fulfilling my "wifely duties". I realise that I am terribly slack when it comes to these "wifely duties" things, but I don't appreciate feeling that just because I am a woman I should be engaged in the cooking, cleaning and whatever else a traditional 1950's wife did. His attitude does not just stem from me being out of work at the moment. Even when I was working, he would do nothing around the house. I don't appreciate feeling used and undervalued.

What has brought up these feelings again? Because I hadn't cooked him anything for lunch, Hubby begrudgingly decided to pop out to the local fast food store to pick up something to eat. He asked me if I wanted anything. I told him that I wanted some milk. Because he only planned to go through the fast food store's drive-through, he made a big song and dance about not wanting to get milk when he was out. I was like, "WTF?" What is so hard about dropping by the servo to pick up milk when you are already out anyway? I ended up getting really annoyed and yelling at him. He came home with the milk. Why on earth does it take yelling at the man for him to do anything? There has got to be a better way.

Silly Online Quizzes

2006-01-21T09:20:00.000+10:00

Which "Girl Interrupted" character are you?

Lisa Rowe

You are a sociopath, and take delight in that fact. You are a lifer at Claymore; someone that will most likely never be rehabilitated. You have a strange charisma that draws people in though, and you use it to your advantage. More than anything, you just want to be alive.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Eek! Okay, I do have a girl crush on Angelina Jolie and all, but me, a sociopath? Nah, I don't think so.

I Got Nothing

2006-01-20T21:06:00.000+10:00

I seriously have nothing to write about tonight. Nothing! Nudda! Zilch! And yet, here I am writing a post anyway. What the hell, hey! *smiles*

Mind you, I do have a cute little house guest at the moment. There he is on the left. Isn't he adorable! I've always had a soft spot for geckos, ever since I first saw them whilst living in Townsville. They are the cutest little lizard and if you don't mind the odd gecko poo stuck high up on your walls, they do no harm when they venture inside. Unfortunately they are impossible to catch to put outside, so hopefully he will survive okay living inside the house for a spell.

So why don't I have anything specific to write about tonight? Well basically I ended up sleeping most of the day away. I made the mistake of not taking my meds until fairly late last night so I only lasted through a few hours of wakefulness this morning before I retired to the bedroom for a "quick lay down". Six hours elapsed before I saw the light of day again. Oops! Just before falling asleep I did feel a strong urge to SH but nothing really came out of it.

Woops!

2006-01-19T17:10:00.000+10:00

Okay, it seems like I am not the brightest spark in the world. How many years have I shared my life with a Siberian Husky? Yikes! It would be almost eight years now. However it appears that I still haven't learnt the number one rule when it comes to Sibe ownership. Never ever strip your husky's coat when she is full-on blowing it while she is sitting on a black couch. I won't even mention how silly it is to comb out a Sibe's coat when one is wearing a dark blue t-shirt. Husky fur sticks like velcro. D'oh!

I also seem to have learnt another obscure life lesson over the past couple of days. Eating copious amounts of cheesecake from The Cheesecake Shop seems to leave me with a nasty headache. Ouch! That's so not fair! Cheesecakes from The Cheesecake Shop are incredibly delicious. Mean, horrible Mother Nature!

Wednesday's Adventure

2006-01-19T08:40:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was a very full day for me. I drove into the semi big smoke for my usual appointment with my pdoc. I also decided to drive the extra half an hour on to the coast for a bit of a photography expedition. (Yes, I am completely obsessed with taking photographs now!) I'm glad that I extended my trip to the coast. Central Queensland's coast line is truly magnificent, perhaps only second to Queensland's Whitsunday region.

The above photograph is an image of a bay and small harbour from a nearby hill. Hiking up the hill nearly killed me! It was so hot. Thankfully I took a bottle of water up with me. The hike was worth it though. The top of the hill provided some lovely views.

I had to use a glamour filter on the above photograph to make the black cockatoo stand out from his leafy perch. I was quite surprised to see a number of black cockatoos yesterday. They are certainly not a common sight on the coast. I think they may generally live further inland. I've got to say that I love the 12x optical zoom on my camera even if I tend not to hold it steadily enough to get a clear picture when I use the full zoom.

Once again, my pdoc appointment went quite well. These days I seem to be able to talk a little more during the appointments which certainly helps I think. Mind you, I think I have a way to go yet with the whole talking/sharing thing during appointments. These small steps are somewhat heartening however.

During the appointment, we continued with the topic of memories. At one stage my pdoc asked me why I had compiled the list of childhood memories. He asked if I had compiled the list to prove to myself that I did not have some type of dissociative disorder. That question stuck out in my mind. I felt like I couldn't adequately comment on it. Yes, I identify as having a dissociative disorder in my online, blogging life. That is what this blog is all about really, to have an outlet to express what is going on in my head.

Mind you, identifying as having a dissociative disorder in real life is a different kettle of fish for some reason. Somehow it doesn't seem so real. Somehow it doesn't make sense. I guess I am still of a mindset that only people with severe abuse issues in their past end up with dissociative disorders. Where does that place me? Maybe, as seems to be suggested, emotional attachment to my memories is not one of my strong points. What does that mean though? My upbringing may not have been all cuddles, "I love you's" or "You are a worthwhile person", but I would suggest that a hell of a lot of kids would have similar upbringings. Why then did my mind collapse in on itself? I am yet to find an answer to that question.

Oh Crap!

2006-01-16T18:56:00.000+10:00

Actually, "Oh Crap!" doesn't seem to cut it. What I really want to yell is, "F#@k!"

I hate to admit this, but the fence between our block and the neighbour's block has seemed a little rickety for a while now. To be honest though, I hadn't paid it much mind. Once in a blue moon I would ask Hubby to knock a nail or two in when one of the palings would come askew, but that's about it.

However this morning when I took the furries out for their initial "wee walk", I noticed that one fence paling had fallen completely off and the one next to it was leaning on a precarious angle. On investigation I saw this funny white ant thingee crawling along one of the railings.

Uh oh! White ant thingee? Yikes! White ants equal termites, right? OMG!

Yep, the fence is literally crawling with termites, the scourge of the home owner. I can only hope that while the little buggers are feasting on the fence they are leaving the house alone.

Termites on the move!

Termite artwork!

The light should definitely not be showing through the palings like that. Eek!

Well, I guess it is time to call in pest control and to seriously consider forking out a stack of money for a shiny new (and unpalatable to termites) colourbond fence.

The worst thing is that Hubby doesn't seem to give a toss about the news. Err, Hubby, don't you think we might need to do something about this? Yikes!

~ Update ~

Call it fate or whatever you want to really. After initially publishing this post, I went back into blogger to fix up a couple of typos. I also added a big, long paragraph that essentially added up to a heck of a lot of "woe is me" talk. When republishing the post, my internet connection dropped out for a couple of minutes. I guess that means that the additions I made to the post are for my eyes and my pdoc's eyes only. Saved by the crappy internet connection, hey.

WAAHHHHHHH!

2006-01-15T14:00:00.000+10:00

Well! There we have it! My first grey hair ever! Look how friggin' shiny it is! *sobs*

I'm staring at middle age through the barrel of a gun. I've gone straight from maiden to crone. I can no longer legitimately give stick to Hubby about all his grey hairs. Whatever am I to do? Looks like it is time to make that long overdue hairdressers appointment. Bugger!

*smiles*

Today's Planetary Energies

2006-01-15T09:13:00.000+10:00

I'm spending my morning drinking copious amounts of coffee while surfing the internet, sorting through a plethora of emails and making my i-Dog (just this morning christened Iggy the i-Dog since GBF thought it needed a name) shake its head violently to the music of "The Angels", an Aussie pub rock band which was big in the 1970s. Mmm, it's a pretty standard morning for me really.

Anyway, in amongst the plethora of emails sat my daily astrology reading from astrocenter.com. Here's what it said:

Yes, the road that leads to birth is rather long. You haven't finished all the cleaning up that remains to be done in many areas. You're going to have to get your papers in order, pay off old debts, face physical or moral obligations and fix technical problems and machines. Whew, that's a lot of work! Fortunately, once it is done your emotional baggage will be considerably lighter, enabling you to go farther, faster...

Well there you go! I would have never guessed that the road to least emotional baggage depended on me getting off my butt, sorting through the mountains of paperwork which grace my kitchen benches, paying the bills which have long been lost in amongst the paperwork, finally allowing Hubby to ravish my body, and searching the house for an electronic device that somehow needs fixing. Is emotional nirvana that easy to obtain? Heck, maybe I should get off this damn computer and go do something.

*Extracts tongue from cheek*

Amazing Discovery

2006-01-14T15:03:00.000+10:00

While surfing blogs via Blog Advance today, I stumbled across LS's truly amazing blog, So Lost in Thought. I've taken the liberty to reproduce a couple of LS's posts here. Her words say so much to me. I can really relate them.

Undeserving

I don't deserve the hurt you dish out. My kind and considerate heart did nothing to bring on this cruel and inhuman punishment. (sentence deleted) Each time you lash out at me I can feel a piece of my ever giving heart painfully fall away into a million shattered pieces. If I could turn off all of my emotion I would, just to escape the stinging sorrow that seems to have invaded. The most straightforward of solutions is not always the simplest, but I know what must be done. As much as it tears me up to do so, I have to erase you before you obliterate the part of me that makes me willing to ever trust another again.

Not Wanted or Needed

You sicken me. With your glaring eyes and unfriendly gaze, you portray exactly who I would never choose to be around. Each second that passes when you are near is as comfortable as a blade through the stomach and equally as appealing. That sick nauseating feeling you create is not required. Actually, nothing about you is desired or needed. More than anything, most would be healthier with you gone. I know I certainly would be. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate you. I simply hate that I have allowed myself to put up with you for so long, too long. Your dreaded presence may bring to some comfort, but for me your disappearance would be the ultimate prize.

Powerful words! I wish I had the strength to use them.

Introducing ...

2006-01-13T01:40:00.000+10:00

Semi big smoke!

Finally, after all my talk of "semi big smoke", here it is! The below piccie is a view of semi big smoke from what is known as Mount Archer. Mount Archer is the place for views west to semi big smoke and east towards the coast.

See the high rise of the city? Nope, neither do I! Semi big smoke isn't a big city by any stretch of the imagine. The city's high rise buildings consist of maybe one or two of the larger motels which probably only reach maybe five storeys high.

This is the view from Mount Archer towards the coast. Unfortunately there is no sign of an ocean out there (semi big smoke is a little way inland) but I thought the hills in the distance looked pretty cool.

Okay, now it is really late. I'm off to bed! *smiles*

It's Late

2006-01-13T01:18:00.000+10:00

It's late. I should be in bed, hence just a quickie of a post tonight.

Firstly, I got me an i-Dog! Woohoo! I've wanted one since I first saw them in stores just before Christmas. It's so incredibly cute! I'm spending hours upon hours playing with it, "feeding" it with music, patting it and tickling its nose. I feel like I am 35 going on 13. *smiles*

Secondly, I had a fantastic day yesterday even with my pdoc appointment. I spent the entire afternoon running around the semi big smoke taking photos. I really enjoyed myself and I am quite happy with some of the photos I was lucky enough to capture.

Finally, my pdoc appointment was quite okay as well. I was in a pretty good mood by the time I walked into his office in the afternoon. During the appointment, the pdoc spent quite some time reading through all the journal entries I had written during the past week, including my 100 childhood memories list. If my memory serves me correctly, my pdoc wants to continue to focus on the memories during my next appointment. I think he is after some emotions and attachment (his words) in relation to the memories. Consequently, this week I might continue the memories theme in one of my blog entries by exploring my relationship with my mother. I'll see what I can come up with, anyway. So far, on the surface, I seem to be lacking a little in that area.

Semi Big Smoke's Zoo

2006-01-11T23:55:00.000+10:00

Wednesdays mean my weekly drive into the semi big smoke for my pdoc appointment. In keeping with my recent obsession with photography, I decided to visit the local zoo and botanical gardens to snap off a few pictures. Below is a selection of some of the animals which are housed in the zoo.

This is definitely my favourite image out of all the photographs I took today (and I took a heap). This guy looks so thoughtful. I wonder what he is thinking, surrounded by all those bars. Thankfully my camera focussed on him rather than the bars.

Now that I have uploaded all of today's photos onto my laptop, I am seriously wishing that I made note of which animals I actually took pictures of. I have no idea what kind of bird this guy is, other than some sort of water bird ... a species of duck I guess. Whatever he is, he's a little cutie.

As an Aussie, I have no trouble whatsoever identifying this critter. Surely sleeping in a fork in a tree can't be comfortable. I guess that is a koala's life though, hey.

Mmmm, how does that song go again? Never smile at a crocodile? Now I know why. The bugger might actually smile back. Eek!

I've got a handful of other photographs from today's expedition that I will no doubt post shortly. Oh, and I guess I should write something about my pdoc appointment as well. I might keep that for another post too. *smiles*

Quote of the Day

2006-01-10T18:16:00.000+10:00

I found this excellent quote over at Susan's blog.

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory."
Albert Schweitzer

Bugger! Maybe I shouldn't have tried so hard to come up with my 100 childhood memories list. Woops! *smiles*

Oh, and while I'm in the middle of stealing ideas from other blogs, I just found this picture over at James' place.

I love it! I definitely need to print it out, frame it and then hang it up in the kitchen.

Dreaming of Different Places

2006-01-10T10:46:00.000+10:00

As I begin to write this post, I've just been woken up by one of my furry kids. I was in the middle of the most amazing dream, so after taking the furries outside for a quick "wee walk", I've rushed back inside to record this dream before I forget its details.

Cast of characters:

Hubby - my husband of course. *winks*
Gubby - one of Hubby's work mates' daughters. She was a student at the school at which I used to work, although she had left school by the time I returned to work there at the end of last year.
Nicole - a friend and flatmate of mine from my uni days.
A smattering of guest appearances from people whom I don't know in real life, e.g. a real estate agent and a man attending a real estate open day.

Scenes:

A strange little complex that consisted of two houses which were separated by a large concreted courtyard. This complex was situated on one side of the primary school I went to when I was a kid. It stood in the place of the infant's school I attended during the first couple of years I spent at school.
A church which was converted into a three bedroom residence. The church is situated on the other side of the primary school. Although the church was slightly different in my dream (i.e. it had a huge, grassy back yard and an entrance hall attached to it), it's actually a real church which was up for sale on realestate.com.au a couple of weeks ago. I dreamt of winning the lotto and purchasing the church.

The dream:

The dream began with me moving into one of the two houses which were separated by the courtyard. The plan was to move into the house with Nicole and another couple. There were another few people that were known by all of us who planned to move into the other house.

On the day of our move, Nicole accused me of being completely different to when she first knew me. She stated that I was now a lot harder than I used to be. She thought I was being bossy when giving directions to her. At one stage when she was watching TV in her bedroom, I entered the room and proceeded to place something in the corner. She did not appreciate me barging into the room despite the bedroom door being open and me saying something to her as I entered. When she indicated her displeasure, I told her that she should shut the bedroom door if she desired more privacy and didn't want people to come into her bedroom. She did not appreciate that, instead saying that she should not have to.

I felt a bit annoyed and put out by what she had said to me. When Hubby arrived, I told him what she had said. I indicated that of course I had become a harder person because that's what I had to do in order to survive. I asked Hubby if we could perhaps change the plan and swap with a couple of the other people who were to move into the other house. I wanted to see if Hubby and I could move into that house instead and thus not live in the same house as Nicole.

The dream then moved onto on "open day" at the church, which was held by the real estate. There were a couple of other people attending the open day. In the dream, the church was furnished. The interior was lovely. I followed a man and the real estate agent into the church's back yard. Unlike the real church, the back yard was huge and had great potential. We then moved onto what appeared to be a large entrance hall. I followed the man and the real estate agent because I did not want to miss out on purchasing the church. They pretty much ignored me however, essentially only providing me with one syllable responses if I said anything.

When we were moving from the entrance hall into the church itself, I noticed Gubby. We greeted each other and I asked her how she come to be there, since the church is a day's drive from central Queensland. She indicated that she was visiting the area with her sporting team to participate in some sort of sporting event.

At the end of the dream, Hubby and I decided to come home, meaning the town in which we currently live. I asked him if we had to stay forever in our home town, not wanting to remain there for too long. He conveyed understanding of my feelings about not wanting to live in the town for too much longer and said that we could possibly move after another year.

That was the end of the dream. What an amazing one, hey! Isn't it strange how real people and places can be incorporated into such a strange little dream.

So Very Fitting

2006-01-09T21:35:00.000+10:00

I did end up taking that extra Seroquel tablet this afternoon. I know it's a bit naughty to muck around with your meds like that, but I was desperate. Taking that extra pill helped me calm down and not engage in any SH (well okay, just one tiny, tiny burn but that's all). Unfortunately I didn't get any sleep, which was really what I was after. However, the main thing is that I feel a hell of a lot calmer.

To keep myself busy this afternoon, I surfed a serious amount of blogs. I discovered new blogging platforms which I never knew existed, explored what these platforms had to offer and browsed through some of the blogs that they hosted. I even considered joining up with an Australian provider, but I think I will stick with Blogger. Blogger is just so user friendly.

During my travels around the blogosphere this afternoon, I found a desktop wallpaper with which I fell in love on Ixxle's blog. I love the wallpaper's colours and imagery. The words are just so incredibly fitting to my current mood too (Reality Used to Be a Friend of Mine).

Damn!

2006-01-09T12:39:00.000+10:00

I'm having a hell of a hard time trying to battle a shit load of anxiety at the moment. I'm feeling incredibly jittery. I feel like my whole body is shaking but I don't think that it actually is. I can't seem to concentrate on any task that I try to do in order to take my mind off what is happening to me. So, I thought I would try writing about what I am feeling to see if I could ease this horrible sensation. Maybe focusing on writing might help. You never know.

This morning I woke up knowing that I had to leave the house fairly early to stock up on our ever dwindling supply of milk, cigarettes and toilet paper. That was okay though. I procrastinated over several cups of coffee and surfing the Net for a short time before finally getting off my butt to grab a shower and freshen up. After my shower I decided to head out. At that stage I was feeling fine ... perhaps slightly numb, but other than that no troubles at all.

Something clicked inside of me once I was out of the house though. I began to feel incredibly uncomfortable being outside the house. The stupid thing is that I chose only to go to the servo on the corner to pick up my supplies. The servo is a whole one minute drive from my house. It's not like I was surrounded by a multitude of people in a shopping centre or anything.

Anyway, the whole going out thing was quite some time ago but I still haven't been able to calm down. Fuck! I've tried reading the newspaper which I bought at the servo. No dice! I just flipped through a couple of pages without reading anything and gave up. I tried to sit down and have a go at the newspaper's crossword puzzle. I've completed a few clues but it as sure as hell hasn't helped me calm down.

On to writing this post! I'm forcing myself to write in complete sentences with acceptable grammar however my heart is still thumping away in my chest. Damn! I should be going out again today. I bought an item off eBay on the weekend and I need to pop down to the bank to make a direct deposit to pay for the item. Hubby is whinging about not haven't much left in the fridge to drink too.

Don't you just love times like these! Is it naughty to pop a Seroquel tablet in order to calm down a bit? I wonder!

100 Childhood Memories

2006-01-08T21:57:00.000+10:00

Ever since I joined the blogosphere, I've seen many blogs with the "100 things about me" post. Just for something to keep myself occupied with for a while, I decided to finally have a go at writing one of these posts. "What the hell," I thought, "Everyone else is doing it."

While I was writing the post however, I quickly realised that my list was taking an altogether different tangent. It had degenerated into what was essentially a bunch of memories.

Now memories are something I have a bit of an issue with. On the surface I don't seem to have many detailed memories at all. Consequently, I decided to go with the flow, change my “100 things about me” list to a “100 childhood memories” list and essentially test myself and my memory.

Why? Well, ever since spending a few weeks in the Trauma and Dissociation Unit at Belmont Private Hospital in Brisbane back in 2004, I've been questioning how good my memory of my childhood is. Surely it can't be as bad as it appears on the surface. During my stay at the TDU, one particular psych nurse filled my head with too many doubts and questions about my perceived lack of childhood memories and what, if any, significance this may have. I consider the harbouring of these doubts and questions to have been somewhat detrimental to me.

To be honest, I'm going to have to go with the "if any" significance because I have a strong suspicion that the psych nurse in question was a bit of a nut herself. Purely for myself, I need to dispel the myths that this nurse held and the doubts that she placed in my mind. My "100 childhood memories" list therefore exists to prove that my memory of my childhood is not deficient in any way and thus sits within a normal range.

I'm not going to bore everyone by placing the huge list of memories I've created amongst my current posts. I've actually shoved the post way back in the blog's archives. If you are completely desperate to read through the list of my inane, mundane and occasionally embarrassing childhood memories, then the post can be found here amongst the June archives.

I've managed to make it to fifty separate memories so far, so I am going well with the compilation of the list. These fifty memories have taken a long time to dredge up however, so I am taking a short break from compiling the list.

~ Update ~

It's taken me virtually all day but I've finished my entire list of 100 childhood memories. Woohoo! Man, is my brain fried though! It certainly took some thinking to compile the entire 100. However, it goes to show just how much one can remember from their childhood when they take the time to sit down and think about it. Stick that in your eye you silly psych nurse. Mind you, it doesn't seem to mean that much. Mmm.

A New Obsession?

2006-01-08T10:13:00.000+10:00

I think I am becoming obsessed with taking photos. I mean, I love my camera. I really do! It's the best piece of technology Hubby has ever bought for us. Err, actually I mean for me. Bugger him! *stifles a giggle*

Since I posted a snapshot of my Saturday morning yesterday, I thought I would continue the theme and post a snapshot of my Sunday morning as well. So here it is! A snapshot of a Sunday morning in the Disso household.

The furry kids definitely rule here. They get to take up the whole couch while I'm sitting on a pillow on the floor. What's with that?!

Couch hogs!

Nikita

Shakara

Oh well! No one could ever accuse me of not looking after the furries I guess. That's a good thing, right?

Saturday Mornings

2006-01-07T08:07:00.000+10:00

Ugh! Saturday mornings! Just poor me another cup of coffee. Please!

Courtesy of South Park Studio

Have Camera, Will Shoot

2006-01-06T20:29:00.000+10:00

What a day! I'm completely stuffed! GBF and I spent the afternoon driving around a little central Queensland town called Bluff in the 40 degree (celsius) heat. There was a method to our madness though. We were after more photographs. I think GBF really likes to commandeer my camera and go off on these little photography jaunts. Not that I mind at all. I enjoy it too. But, oh my god it was hot today. I even have the headache to prove it. Ouch!

Photo No. 1: This little house was quite cute. It's such a typical old Queenslander style home, complete with a wrecked truck in the yard.

Photo No. 2: Another Bluff "house" and I use that term loosely. What a contrast to the Queenslander style home!

Photo No. 3: Err, a photo of a dead tree! GBF took this photo, which is just as well because I didn't even notice the tree's presence until I saw the photo. I think it looks pretty cool though.

Photo No. 4: We discovered a small, reed filled dam in the middle of the Bluff horse racing track. The track is essentially unused so we were amazed to find this little dam.

Photo No. 5: Mmm, I wonder who this crazy looking man is? *stifles a giggle* I couldn't resist taking a photo of the photo and somehow that crazy character managed to talk his way into the shot.

Photo No. 6: What can I say about this critter other than it was huge and scary and I am incredibly thankful that my camera sports a 12x optical zoom. *shudders*

Photo No. 7: Okay, this photo is a bit of a ring in because we didn't actually take it today. We snapped this one off about a week ago during our photography trip to the local cemetery and beyond. The sky was so spectacular that afternoon though, so I thought this photo deserved a place amongst the others.

On a more serious note, I'm still not feeling all that flash although getting out of the house today was probably a godsend. Apart from being tired, having a funky throat and nursing a bit of a headache, I'm still feeling pretty blah. Throughout the day, I've remained acutely aware of last night's little internal struggle. I think I should just give up on myself. I can have a fun filled day, yet these stupid thoughts still invade my head. I'm even toying with the idea of keeping myself occupied for the first part of this year by doing a simple TAFE certificate in website design. I'm sure to enjoy learning what I can through the certificate, but I am still filled with this sense of despondency.

Mutant Mouth

2006-01-06T07:22:00.000+10:00

Yuck! I've a mutant mouth! I woke up this morning to a swollen throat. It's spongy to touch and it's uncomfortable to swallow. When I look into the mirror there appears to be no space between my tongue and the back of my throat. Ick! Eek! Foul! Gross! What the heck have I eaten?

The funny thing is, I think I somehow incorporated the swollen throat into a dream last night. My dream featured Morgan Freeman of all people. He played the father figure while I played the child. The child was ill. She had trouble breathing. The father tried to get medical help for the child but because the family was poor no help was forthcoming. Instead, and here is the gross part, the father gave his own blood to the child. Apparently the father was on some sort of medication himself and he thought that by giving the child a dose of his blood every day, his medicated blood would make the child well again.

What a strange, strange dream! Oh, and here's to a day of uncomfortable swallowing and spongy throats!